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  #16  
Old 12-12-17, 10:17 AM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
It's possible that I'm overthinking this but I'd rather err on the side of overthinking than underthinking. A lot of crucial development takes place in the first two years. Even if that's just how she is if I can do anything to make her more assertive it's worth a shot.

Like Stef said I'm sure love and reassurance are key but reassurance can be given in different ways. I want fuzzling to know I've got her back. That she's safe with me while also allowing her to learn how to deal with conflict (and not ******* off other people by charging in like A mama bear) If she takes a toy from someone else or hits someone And I say nothing that is reassurance that her behaviour is ok when it isn't.

Eg what would you in this situation: fuzzling and a my friends baby are playing with blocks. Friend's baby decides that all blocks need to go into a box including the one that fuzzling is playing with. Fuzzling takes another block toolay with and fbaby takes it off her again and puts it in the box. Fuzzling then starts eating a baby cracker and fbaby decides the cracker too needs to go into the box and tries to pry it out of first fuzzling's hand and then her mouth. The other baby is much stronger and succeeds.My friend tells her baby to leave fuzzling alone once but then leaves it at thst. So now what do I do? What would you do?
I wouldn't expect a 1.5 year old to understand the phrase "leave her alone". One of the largest struggles in life is to parent or not parent someone elses child. I'm of the opinion that it takes a village to raise a kid and that means I WILL parent someone elses child. If they don't like it, they don't need to hang out with us. Conversely, if my 8 year old is at their house doing something wrong I expect them to parent my child and scold them, put them in a time out, or send them home and call me if it's bad.

For that particular scenario I would let the other mother attempt to parent their child, and when all they did was say leave the other kid alone, I would intervene. I would tell the other kid it's not okay to move Fuzzlings blocks or take her cracker. I would offer the other kid a cracker, if they still tried to take fuzzlings cracker I would physically separate them...this could be with a pillow or other barrier so they were each playing separately until the other child got over their obsession with putting their own things in the box. I'd bring them back together later to see how it went, and would separate them again if need be.

Learning how to REMOVE yourself from a bad situation is also an effective way to deal with conflict. MORE people need to deploy that defense in my opinion.
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Old 12-12-17, 01:39 PM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

Sometimes you have to let kids experience these types of situations in order to prepare for the future when mom isnt around.
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Old 12-25-17, 09:44 PM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

Quote:
Originally Posted by Caco3girl View Post
I wouldn't expect a 1.5 year old to understand the phrase "leave her alone". One of the largest struggles in life is to parent or not parent someone elses child. I'm of the opinion that it takes a village to raise a kid and that means I WILL parent someone elses child. If they don't like it, they don't need to hang out with us. Conversely, if my 8 year old is at their house doing something wrong I expect them to parent my child and scold them, put them in a time out, or send them home and call me if it's bad.

For that particular scenario I would let the other mother attempt to parent their child, and when all they did was say leave the other kid alone, I would intervene. I would tell the other kid it's not okay to move Fuzzlings blocks or take her cracker. I would offer the other kid a cracker, if they still tried to take fuzzlings cracker I would physically separate them...this could be with a pillow or other barrier so they were each playing separately until the other child got over their obsession with putting their own things in the box. I'd bring them back together later to see how it went, and would separate them again if need be.

Learning how to REMOVE yourself from a bad situation is also an effective way to deal with conflict. MORE people need to deploy that defense in my opinion.
Thanks caco. These are great ideas.

I'm really struggling with dealing with other kids...or rather my own need to be liked and appear "nice" mainly to their parents' or my friends and acquaintances or sometimes total strangers.

I'm reading a book called "it's ok not to share..." Which issllsbout allowing kids uninterrupted free play and allowing them to learn how to voice their needs and resolve conflicts (eg " I'm not done yet with this toy. I will bring it to you when I'm done"). It makes a lot of sense but she says parents absolutely should intervene and stand up for their child.

I tried this but it didn't go so well. I told the kid he didn't have to share and didn't allowfuzzling to take away his toy but later or kept trying to take everything fuzzkibg was playing with. He would grab her toy and then point and laugh at her. I tried to return the toys to fuzzling's DTI nicely ask him to wait till fuzzling is done but he just ignored me. He was just two though so husr talking to him nicelymight not help. I don't want to physically remove another child or prise a toy out of their hand.i felt pretty embarrassed anyway. I tried to explain to his parents what I'm going and why but I couldn't get a coherent sentence out and they weren't really interested anyway
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Old 01-02-18, 09:47 AM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
Thanks caco. These are great ideas.

I'm really struggling with dealing with other kids...or rather my own need to be liked and appear "nice" mainly to their parents' or my friends and acquaintances or sometimes total strangers.

I'm reading a book called "it's ok not to share..." Which issllsbout allowing kids uninterrupted free play and allowing them to learn how to voice their needs and resolve conflicts (eg " I'm not done yet with this toy. I will bring it to you when I'm done"). It makes a lot of sense but she says parents absolutely should intervene and stand up for their child.

I tried this but it didn't go so well. I told the kid he didn't have to share and didn't allowfuzzling to take away his toy but later or kept trying to take everything fuzzkibg was playing with. He would grab her toy and then point and laugh at her. I tried to return the toys to fuzzling's DTI nicely ask him to wait till fuzzling is done but he just ignored me. He was just two though so husr talking to him nicelymight not help. I don't want to physically remove another child or prise a toy out of their hand.i felt pretty embarrassed anyway. I tried to explain to his parents what I'm going and why but I couldn't get a coherent sentence out and they weren't really interested anyway
Fuzzy, not all people/parents/kids need to be hung out with. I have a 15 year old and an 8 year old and on more than one occasion over the years I have said "You aren't allowed to hang out with XXX anymore". Some of the reasons have been:
1. His parents allow cursing, I don't want you around that.
2. His parents allow roaming the streets half the night, not okay for you.
3. She doesn't respect adults, if she talked to me that way she talks to her parents that way and that's not a personality I want you around.
4. They skip school, that's not the people you need to be with.
5. You just met that girl and she is FULL of drama, it's not YOUR job to fix her, you have enough teenage drama of your own, she will drag you down.

Those are some of the highlights, and some of them may seem harsh to others, but bottom line, the people whom my kids hang around are the people they will try to be like. If I can spot a person that doesn't bring anything good into their lives, and drastically sucks resources and energy from them I try to put a stop to it. Other people should enrich your life, not be a drain on you. That's a good lesson for adults and children.
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Old 01-02-18, 11:22 AM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

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Originally Posted by Caco3girl View Post
Fuzzy, not all people/parents/kids need to be hung out with. I have a 15 year old and an 8 year old and on more than one occasion over the years I have said "You aren't allowed to hang out with XXX anymore".
Back when I was taking a young'un to activities, like youth soccer, I remember seeing families who would look typical at first, but after a few minutes of observation I could see how they would interact with one another, and I would be concerned because I could see engagement patterns that included the use of invalidation, negative reinforcement, shaming, and so on, on the part of the parents, and compensatory behaviors on the part of the kids.

No reason to poison the well if you don’t have to.


Cheers,
Ian
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Old 01-02-18, 11:50 AM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeon View Post
Back when I was taking a young'un to activities, like youth soccer, I remember seeing families who would look typical at first, but after a few minutes of observation I could see how they would interact with one another, and I would be concerned because I could see engagement patterns that included the use of invalidation, negative reinforcement, shaming, and so on, on the part of the parents, and compensatory behaviors on the part of the kids.

No reason to poison the well if you don’t have to.


Cheers,
Ian
Yes I see that a lot in youth sports. Grown men and women tearing down children on their kids team and off their kids team...for what? The parents who yell for children in the outfield to DROP IT, DROP IT, DROP IT....it's just disgusting. You shouldn't want your child to succeed by watching another child fail.
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Old 01-02-18, 11:57 AM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

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Originally Posted by Caco3girl View Post
Yes I see that a lot in youth sports. Grown men and women tearing down children on their kids team and off their kids team...for what? The parents who yell for children in the outfield to DROP IT, DROP IT, DROP IT....it's just disgusting. You shouldn't want your child to succeed by watching another child fail.
That's sad!!
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