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  #1  
Old 01-19-18, 01:02 AM
loulouinoz loulouinoz is offline
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Newbie needing all the advise you can give

I find it difficult to describe my feelings when I stumbled across this forum. I am just a mum with concerns for her adult son 22. He has not been diagnosed with anything and he is too old for me to make him see anyone so I have found this community and hope that you can offer some advice guidance direction.

He struggles with life is the best way I can put it and he has even said to me it’s too hard being and adult. Looking back it was probably in year 10 when I can remember seeing some signs mostly forgetfulness, poor time management, lazy self-absorbed. I put it down to teenagers and a boy and often asked a few other parents and got the ohh that’s a teenager for you! So life went on and whilst he did manage to finish his high school cert he have never shown me his results. He was determined to go to university I tried talking to him as I was pretty sure he would not have the self-discipline to complete this and I was right less than three months out it was all too much and he pulled out.

Once he started work I started to become really concerned. I noticed his personal hygiene had slipped he just would not clean his room, I am not a neat freak but I am talking really messy and dirty. He would go to bed in his clothes.His car is like a rubbish bin. He was always late to work and I am pretty sure fired from one place but he told me he left. It just seemed everything was a struggle.

We later found out he was doing drugs we confronted him and after about 6 months of trying eventually got him to see a doctor who referred him to a councilor. I was over the moon thinking this was it we have done it he will be fixed! I know forgive my thinking. They treated him for anxiety and after about 10 seasons it was over. I think maybe it may have help a little but long term I had a feeling the wheels will fall off again. He knows what to say to get by and make people think he’s has it together and on track, they are just words and generally there is no action to support what he is saying.

I have tried to talk to him about this and that I think he needs help but he will not acknowledge openly to me but I am pretty sure he knows things are not right.

He is back home as his has broken up with his girlfriend. Struggling financially. I would like to know from you how can i help him? What made you go to seek help? What is the best support you think you can have?

In advance thanks to any one who will take the time to offer some advise he is a good boy i just want him to have a happy life.

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Old 01-19-18, 04:42 AM
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

Im not sure you can help him. He has to want to help himself. He is back home with you now and has left jobs, bad finances, etc. He hasnt had any real consequences for his actions so he doesnt have any motivation to change.
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Old 01-19-18, 05:11 AM
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

I see that you have put this in general parenting but when you think about it he is an adult and you have to want to help him as one adult to another.
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Old 01-19-18, 05:51 AM
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

I did put in another thred however it was moved by the mediators. He is an adult and i am his mum but i want to understand from other adults what is helpful and what is not. I was so excited to find this forum. I just hope i can get some advice to move forward and help my son.
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Old 01-19-18, 11:26 AM
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

My kids are 8 and 15, they are ADHD. I am not, but I was not a motivated teen either. The thing that helped me was knowing I could go home but there were rules there I didn't like.

1. I had a 10pm curfew, so as to not disturb anyone's sleep when I cam in...yes even when I was 21, if I was at home I had a curfew.
2. I had to be in college or working.
3. If I was working I had to pay $200 a month rent to my mom and provide myself any spending money I wanted, she wouldn't give me any. She provided food, she provided a roof, and that's all. No laundry, no cleaning after me, I was expected to keep my room in good order so as to not attract a smell or bugs.
4. I was expected to go to church, I don't like church.
5. I had a list of chores

So, while my mom provided me support and would always welcome me, there were rules. I MUCH preferred getting my act together than living with her. Is it possible you are feeling so bad for him you are forgetting he needs you to be a parent?
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Old 01-20-18, 02:48 AM
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

Quote:
Originally Posted by loulouinoz View Post
I find it difficult to describe my feelings when I stumbled across this forum. I am just a mum with concerns for her adult son 22. He has not been diagnosed with anything and he is too old for me to make him see anyone so I have found this community and hope that you can offer some advice guidance direction.
He struggles with life is the best way I can put it and he has even said to me it’s too hard being and adult. Looking back it was probably in year 10 when I can remember seeing some signs mostly forgetfulness, poor time management, lazy self-absorbed. I put it down to teenagers and a boy and often asked a few other parents and got the ohh that’s a teenager for you! So life went on and whilst he did manage to finish his high school cert he have never shown me his results. He was determined to go to university I tried talking to him as I was pretty sure he would not have the self-discipline to complete this and I was right less than three months out it was all too much and he pulled out.
Once he started work I started to become really concerned. I noticed his personal hygiene had slipped he just would not clean his room, I am not a neat freak but I am talking really messy and dirty. He would go to bed in his clothes.His car is like a rubbish bin. He was always late to work and I am pretty sure fired from one place but he told me he left. It just seemed everything was a struggle.
We later found out he was doing drugs we confronted him and after about 6 months of trying eventually got him to see a doctor who referred him to a councilor. I was over the moon thinking this was it we have done it he will be fixed! I know forgive my thinking. They treated him for anxiety and after about 10 seasons it was over. I think maybe it may have help a little but long term I had a feeling the wheels will fall off again. He knows what to say to get by and make people think he’s has it together and on track, they are just words and generally there is no action to support what he is saying.
I have tried to talk to him about this and that I think he needs help but he will not acknowledge openly to me but I am pretty sure he knows things are not right.
He is back home as his has broken up with his girlfriend. Struggling financially. I would like to know from you how can i help him? What made you go to seek help? What is the best support you think you can have?
In advance thanks to any one who will take the time to offer some advise he is a good boy i just want him to have a happy life.
I think your on the right track.

Your son may take a few years or more, than his peers to figure things out.

It is good that his substance abuse is being addressed and he eventually got help.

It makes sense to address anxiety first.

Does your doctor think your son has ADHD?









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Last edited by mildadhd; 01-20-18 at 03:02 AM..
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Old 01-20-18, 05:16 AM
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

Quote:
Originally Posted by loulouinoz View Post
I did put in another thred however it was moved by the mediators. He is an adult and i am his mum but i want to understand from other adults what is helpful and what is not. I was so excited to find this forum. I just hope i can get some advice to move forward and help my son.
Understanding him will not help him get treatment. He has to do that on his own. You will have to watch him go through this pain and you have to stay out of it or he will never change. You have to stop rescuing and enabling him.
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Old 01-20-18, 02:54 PM
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

Quote:
Originally Posted by loulouinoz View Post
I did put in another thred however it was moved by the mediators. He is an adult and i am his mum but i want to understand from other adults what is helpful and what is not. I was so excited to find this forum. I just hope i can get some advice to move forward and help my son.
I think it is great you have not given up on your son and are looking for answers.

My thoughts depend on the reasons why he is self medicating, if he has ADHD or a different issue, etc?

I would use the same approach that eventually got your son to the doctor, and some therapy for anxiety.

I would like to help you and your son more, but I am unsure why your doctor is not involved in this conversation, and I am unsure why your son is not being assessed for ADHD?

Have you asked your doctor?


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Old 01-21-18, 06:09 PM
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

I applaud you!! for reaching out on behalf of your son. You sound like a caring and wonderful mother, wishing your son a happy life. :-)

I am the mother of two sons, 23 and 26. I, like you, was concerned about one of my sons for awhile. He had no ambition, was lazy, and didn’t pick up after himself. I didn’t know what to do with/for him. I also found out he was smoking pot. He saw a counselor too but it didn’t seem to help him make any permanent changes.

One of my favorite sayings is, “A mom is only as happy as her saddest child.” It is so true! I have always wished whatever pain or misfortune my sons were going through could be mine instead but I have learned that sometimes they have to go through trials themselves to build perseverance, genuine character, and hope. I have also learned there is only so much a concerned parent can do for an adult child. <3

I found a book that really comforted me during this time called, “Praying for Your Adult Children” by Stormie Omartian. It helped me fall asleep many worrisome nights. Another thing that really helped me during this time was talking to my pastor and seeing a counselor by myself, for myself. Both gave me good, sound counsel and the support I so desperately!! needed. Do you have anyone like that that you can talk to?

I am happy to report both my son and I are doing better. I will be thinking of you and your son. You are not alone!! I hope this helps and I hope to hear from you again. Big hug! from one mom to another.

Last edited by namazu; 01-22-18 at 04:28 PM.. Reason: Added some paragraph breaks. Also, ADDF prohibits proselytization and religious comments.
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Old 01-21-18, 08:04 PM
loulouinoz loulouinoz is offline
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

Thanks for taking the time to respond to me
I have not spoken to the doctor again about this but I am thinking ill head back down that track. I know he has to do it and wants it, but I just am trying to understand the best way for me to support him but not enable him. How to set rules (Adult Rules) I have been asking him to do a couple of things for 3 weeks. Like book his car for a service as its due but he still after 3 weeks it's not done it. Am I handling this correctly or should I just shut my eyes knowing these things need to be done and not say anything?
I am so glad I found this forum I have tried to speak to family friends and they look at me as if I'm overreacting.
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Old 01-21-18, 10:59 PM
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

Quote:
Originally Posted by loulouinoz View Post
Thanks for taking the time to respond to me
I have not spoken to the doctor again about this but I am thinking ill head back down that track. I know he has to do it and wants it, but I just am trying to understand the best way for me to support him but not enable him. How to set rules (Adult Rules) I have been asking him to do a couple of things for 3 weeks. Like book his car for a service as its due but he still after 3 weeks it's not done it. Am I handling this correctly or should I just shut my eyes knowing these things need to be done and not say anything?
I am so glad I found this forum I have tried to speak to family friends and they look at me as if I'm overreacting.
I recently did my taxes for the last 9 years. (lost money in penalties)

It can be really hard for our already hypoactive motivation systems to be motivated by certain kinds of motor and cognitive functioning, whether penalties exist or not.

Compassionate supportive remindfullness is a good thing.










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Old 01-22-18, 08:42 AM
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

Quote:
Originally Posted by loulouinoz View Post
Thanks for taking the time to respond to me
I have not spoken to the doctor again about this but I am thinking ill head back down that track. I know he has to do it and wants it, but I just am trying to understand the best way for me to support him but not enable him. How to set rules (Adult Rules) I have been asking him to do a couple of things for 3 weeks. Like book his car for a service as its due but he still after 3 weeks it's not done it. Am I handling this correctly or should I just shut my eyes knowing these things need to be done and not say anything?
I am so glad I found this forum I have tried to speak to family friends and they look at me as if I'm overreacting.
In my opinion, you have to pick your battles. Is the car yours or his? If it is his I think he might be thinking "Gesh lady get out of my business." If it is yours you have every right to demand it be serviced or he looses the right to use it.

Firm rules that make him take responsibility are what he needs. If he has no real demands on his time or money and you are paying for his roof, car, food, etc...why would he feel the need to stand on his own two feet?
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Old 01-22-18, 09:27 AM
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

Quote:
Originally Posted by loulouinoz View Post
Thanks for taking the time to respond to me
I have not spoken to the doctor again about this but I am thinking ill head back down that track. I know he has to do it and wants it, but I just am trying to understand the best way for me to support him but not enable him. How to set rules (Adult Rules) I have been asking him to do a couple of things for 3 weeks. Like book his car for a service as its due but he still after 3 weeks it's not done it. Am I handling this correctly or should I just shut my eyes knowing these things need to be done and not say anything?
I am so glad I found this forum I have tried to speak to family friends and they look at me as if I'm overreacting.
You are in a tough spot. My son turns 22 in Feb and I dont know what I would do if he had these issues. I know you want to support and not enable him but as an adult- support like what you are giving is enabling at least mostly. Financial responsibilities are being handled by you- is the car his? If yes then he will suffer the consequences when it breaks down and he has no car. If no then you have to take it away. He should be paying you something every week. Even if its 20$ the consistency and responsibility and respect for your support needs to be taught. You are going to have to get hard with him Im sorry to say. He MUST get treatment or he's out. He MUST help out or no more financial support. He MUST take care of the car or he needs to find a bus or train. Its heartbreaking, and hard but he is 22 and hasnt learned and will NEVER learn like this. He is an adult. Its one thing if he was getting treatment, going to therapy, looking for a job or working, trying to go to school and still struggling. Its another if he is doing none of those things, refusing treatment and therapy and he is still allowed to benefit from your support in all things. Believe me when I tell you my heart breaks for you having to possibly do this. My daughter turns 18 in Feb and I think she thinks once she is an adult rules will not apply. I fear the predicament we might be in BUT she just started a job she likes and maybe the accountability is the answer to her issues with behavior. I dont know. I have to be open to all things. My son graduates with an associates in December, left his job and just started a paid internship(but hasnt gotten paid yet). He is going to be full time on campus for is BS. So I support him mostly. He takes car of extras, gas and most car care. But we do not charge him rent yet and we are going to do our best between grants and tuition reimbursment and assisting him getting his loans to contribute at least something towards his college, even if its towards room and board or books. We have never believed that college is a right, its a privledge. And he knows it, all our kids know it. Financially we cant afford three college educations so thats the way it is. But He is doing so much and has adhd and good grades so I think giving him wiggle room is deserved.
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Old 04-27-18, 02:11 AM
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

Parent's love are truly uncoditional. Don't worry, just keep telling him advices and support him, also consult him to a psychiatrist or someone who has the right to deal with emotion problems. I'm glad you've never gave up on your son.
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Old 04-27-18, 02:29 AM
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Re: Newbie needing all the advise you can give

Quote:
Originally Posted by loulouinoz View Post
I would like to know from you how can i help him? What made you go to seek help? What is the best support you think you can have?

In advance thanks to any one who will take the time to offer some advise he is a good boy i just want him to have a happy life.
As others have already said, change won't happen unless he wants it.

Sometimes, the best way that a parent can find out how to help the child is to ask the child and really listen to what the child has to say. People often tend to be better at talking than at listening.

He might not want (or need) your help. If that's the case, then fine, but I think you have a reasonable right to require him to seek some sort of help. It could be a trusted family friend, a professional counselor, etc. Doesn't have to be anyone in particular, just someone who he trusts and who can hold him accountable.
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