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Old 02-07-18, 05:33 AM
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sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
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my horrible addiction to smoking

I have a back room off my kitchen thats part of the laundry room that I joke is my lair. Its where I smoke if I am indoors. I can shut the door and I dont smoke anywhere in the house and its well ventilated but it is off the back of the kitchen and I am guilty of leaving the door open way too often and have been getting lazy about it. Its so horrible of me. My kids and family do not deserve this. So when I woke up this morning there was this note on my chair:


I hope its readable or can be enlarged to be read.

It was from my son. Of course I cried. Not because he hurt me but because I know he is right and he is such a good guy. I have heard they have something called Jewels which are sort of like vape pens but draw more like cigarrettes and a lot of people l know that quit went to them. I have a vape pen but honestly if I move to full time vaping I need something better- I need to put a tiny bit of money into it as an investment because if its cheap, breaks, leaks or isnt doing the trick, Ill still smoke. Besides that if I want to teach, there is no smoking on school grounds. WTH is wrong with me? I mean I kicked alcohol! I narrowly dodged an issue with xanax. (not abuse or addicted but loving it enough where I was on my way). How can I be a slave to this? The worst party is I LOVE it. I am not a rude smoker. I dont litter, I dont stand in front of stores and resturants or entranceways. I dont light up next to kids, at sporting events or on beaches. If someone asks me would I mind not doing it I comply. I get its my issue. I try to shield my family from it but I am failing at that.
I dont know how to find something that will do for me what I feel (right or wrong) that smoking does for me. I enjoy it, it helps me stay calm. It relaxes me. I look forward to it. Yet I know it will kill me. Alcohol would have killed me quicker and the justification has always been well, if this is what you do instead of drink or drug then ok- but I am getting to a point where that argument is weak. I have five years alcohol free now. WHAT is up with me. I feel terrible. I am a positive person and try and see the good always but this whole thing has gotten me down. And I am not upset with my son. He is a good guy. Not mean and we have a close bond. AND he is 100% correct. I feel so low right now. Sorry for being a downer.
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