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  #1  
Old 02-10-18, 03:40 PM
ryanLRC2015 ryanLRC2015 is offline
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Friendís on and off behavior

Just wondered, does ADHD cause friends to act like they go through periods of seeming like they just donít care at all? Is there a way to tell if it is from someoneís ADHD vs. someone just not being a good friend? I have a friend who has ADHD and she is bery on and off about hanging out and texting. She will go through periods where she really seems to want to hang out and periods, weeks or even months, where she just wonít give a crap. Is there something about ADHD that causes this? I know she has ADHD so I am more lenient and understanding with her. For most other people, I would write them off as not being a very good friend. Just wondered if it was something about not having the energy for a period of time to not really care about anything, including not talking to people.

I donít use or let anyone use their disability as an excuse for poor behavior but at the same time, I understand that people may act in certain ways because of it. I will give my friend credit, she never uses her ADHD as an excuse. Even when I have politely called her out on some things, she never used it as an excuse and I give her credit for that. I know she can come off as noy being a good friend at times but seeing how she is when she does want to hang out means she probably genuinely does like hanging out. She just has periods of being very active to being completely silent and then back again. A part of me thinks she may have depression as well. What are your thoughts on ADHD contributibg to this behavior? I do like her as a friend and we enjoy each others company, I just want to understand more on what could be causing the behavior.
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  #2  
Old 02-10-18, 07:01 PM
CharlesH CharlesH is offline
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Re: Friendís on and off behavior

ADHD often causes people's lives to suck, which leads to them developing depression. Depressed people withdraw from life. That seems to be the simplest explanation for your friend's behavior.

You seem to have posted a lot of iterations of this same type of question. It seems like you're overly invested for a (?platonic?) friendship. If her behavior is upsetting you, you're allowed to cut her off as a friend and/or tell her what you need. Friendships/relationships need to be mutually beneficial.

People live complicated lives, and you probably won't ever know for sure why she acts the way she acts. Chances are, even she doesn't know.
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Old 02-11-18, 04:40 AM
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Re: Friendís on and off behavior

I dont think its unreasonable for you to expect consistent contact an stuff with your friend, regardless of adhd.
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Old 02-11-18, 01:44 PM
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Re: Friendís on and off behavior

Basically, when I have been inconsistent with people, the people who helped me the most were those that gently called me out on it ... and made clear how disorienting it was for me to be hot and cold ... how hurt they felt, etc ...

What that did was bring me back to reality, bring me out of denial and really see that my actions had consequences ... All of that feedback went into the mix when I got older and finally got treatment for ADHD and depression. One of the things I wanted to get better with was managing friendships and being consistent in friendships. Had people simply given me a pass, I would have remained in denial about this problem.

I disappointed friends a lot when I was depressed ... A buddy of mine couldn't believe that he had come to town and I didn't return his phone call and want to meet up ... Only later did I tell him I was depressed ... But his comment help me set the target ... OK, blowing people off when they come to town (and this is a close friend) is really not acceptable or "normal" behavior.

And BTW: there is the possibility that she has ADHD on the one hand, but that she is an inconsistent friend for entirely different reasons.

One way ADHD impaired me was that I was becoming friends with people that I didn't really want to hang out with ... I didn't know the difference ... because paying attention to internal feelings and signals ... well, ADHD messes that up.

Bottom line, treat this person like you would treat anyone who did this behavior ... maybe add in a dash (small dash) of forgiveness ... But when you feel abandoned, gently say so ... that is enormous feedback that helps get people out of denial--not always immediately but more likely over time... and when they are ready, they can take that problem on in treatment--whether therapy or meds --or a combination.

Tone
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Old 02-12-18, 05:50 AM
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Re: Friendís on and off behavior

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Originally Posted by ToneTone View Post
Basically, when I have been inconsistent with people, the people who helped me the most were those that gently called me out on it ... and made clear how disorienting it was for me to be hot and cold ... how hurt they felt, etc ...

What that did was bring me back to reality, bring me out of denial and really see that my actions had consequences ... All of that feedback went into the mix when I got older and finally got treatment for ADHD and depression. One of the things I wanted to get better with was managing friendships and being consistent in friendships. Had people simply given me a pass, I would have remained in denial about this problem.

I disappointed friends a lot when I was depressed ... A buddy of mine couldn't believe that he had come to town and I didn't return his phone call and want to meet up ... Only later did I tell him I was depressed ... But his comment help me set the target ... OK, blowing people off when they come to town (and this is a close friend) is really not acceptable or "normal" behavior.

And BTW: there is the possibility that she has ADHD on the one hand, but that she is an inconsistent friend for entirely different reasons.

One way ADHD impaired me was that I was becoming friends with people that I didn't really want to hang out with ... I didn't know the difference ... because paying attention to internal feelings and signals ... well, ADHD messes that up.

Bottom line, treat this person like you would treat anyone who did this behavior ... maybe add in a dash (small dash) of forgiveness ... But when you feel abandoned, gently say so ... that is enormous feedback that helps get people out of denial--not always immediately but more likely over time... and when they are ready, they can take that problem on in treatment--whether therapy or meds --or a combination.

Tone


Tone has it right. Adhd does not mean you get to be an A-hole. Many of us are excellent friends.
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Old 02-12-18, 09:48 AM
ryanLRC2015 ryanLRC2015 is offline
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Re: Friendís on and off behavior

Quote:
Originally Posted by ToneTone View Post
Basically, when I have been inconsistent with people, the people who helped me the most were those that gently called me out on it ... and made clear how disorienting it was for me to be hot and cold ... how hurt they felt, etc ...

What that did was bring me back to reality, bring me out of denial and really see that my actions had consequences ... All of that feedback went into the mix when I got older and finally got treatment for ADHD and depression. One of the things I wanted to get better with was managing friendships and being consistent in friendships. Had people simply given me a pass, I would have remained in denial about this problem.

I disappointed friends a lot when I was depressed ... A buddy of mine couldn't believe that he had come to town and I didn't return his phone call and want to meet up ... Only later did I tell him I was depressed ... But his comment help me set the target ... OK, blowing people off when they come to town (and this is a close friend) is really not acceptable or "normal" behavior.

And BTW: there is the possibility that she has ADHD on the one hand, but that she is an inconsistent friend for entirely different reasons.

One way ADHD impaired me was that I was becoming friends with people that I didn't really want to hang out with ... I didn't know the difference ... because paying attention to internal feelings and signals ... well, ADHD messes that up.

Bottom line, treat this person like you would treat anyone who did this behavior ... maybe add in a dash (small dash) of forgiveness ... But when you feel abandoned, gently say so ... that is enormous feedback that helps get people out of denial--not always immediately but more likely over time... and when they are ready, they can take that problem on in treatment--whether therapy or meds --or a combination.

Tone
I agree with everything. Yeah I am sure it is the same with her. ADHD is definitely not the only reason she is acting the way she is, but it probably doesnít help matters though. Yeah there is no excuse for the behavior but it could be one of the reasons, as well as just simply not being a very consistant friend in general too. Yes I treat this person like I do with anyone else. Iíve called her out on some things in the past politely. I am a tad easier on her than others, but not by much.
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Old 02-12-18, 09:55 AM
ryanLRC2015 ryanLRC2015 is offline
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Re: Friendís on and off behavior

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post


Tone has it right. Adhd does not mean you get to be an A-hole. Many of us are excellent friends.
Totally agree. ADHD, and other disorders may be a part of the reason, but not an excuse. She most likely is just not a very reliable person in general as well. I am hearing impaired but I never use it as an excuse. I could probably deliberately ignore people ad get away with it by saying I didnít hear them but I never do that. Just too rude and it could cost me credibility. Same with others, using disorders and disabilities as an excuse can cause the person their credibility and is just rude in general. I am not close to the friend, just casual friends. She isnít someone people can be close to. She doesnít seem to allow it. But I do feel like she could definitely be a bit more consistant if she really likes being friends with someone regardless of ADHD. I am more patient with her though but at times, will still let her know if something isnít right.
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