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  #1  
Old 12-25-17, 12:15 AM
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"I love you, but I don't like you."

Have you ever had to deal with this sentiment from a significant other or have you felt this way yourself?

Tonight I called my wife out on how she seems to be easily irritated with ADHD quirks of mine that used to be of no real consequence and used to only elicit a chuckle or a joke from her. For the past year or so I've noticed that my wife has become increasingly less patient with me. I'm usually a pretty easygoing person when it comes to relationships. I don't worry much about the "little stuff", the minor irritants that come from being in a relationship with another imperfect human being.

But tonight I kinda had my fill of being the "easygoing" guy and I called out my wife in a sarcastic smart-arsed way. I did something that irritated her and she expressed frustration with it, and I responded with, "It must be tough being married to someone that you love, but that you don't like, eh?"

And she looked at me in a way that I knew she was totally serious and said, "You have no idea", as she walked away and went off to bed.

Right now I find myself alternating between thoughts of "Well, screw YOU then!" and "Oh wow, what kind of loser AM I?!?"

I've suspected that this situation was developing for a few years now. But it was only tonight that it finally came to a head and was brought out into the open.
....................

Honestly, I don't even know what I'm looking for here. I've shed some tears tonight wondering if I've wasted some of the best years of my life being married to the wrong person, or worse, having wasted another person's good years by being married to me.

I have no clue what to do now. I think tomorrow I'll go for a day hike and try to sort out my feelings and thoughts. Clearly things are not good.
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  #2  
Old 12-25-17, 03:49 AM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

You're assuming she's in a bad mood because of you. Perhaps she's in a bad mood for other reasons, doesn't want to talk about them and is simply using you to let off some steam.

One major thing i've learnt about women is to never assume anything with them. You may think you know exactly whats going on with her, when you could be so far off.
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Old 12-25-17, 04:05 AM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

Im female divorced non adhder
All i ever wanted from my husband was communication
Eg tell me the things that i did that upset him
Hear me when i said the things that bothered me
It would have been my dream come through to go through each item and find a compromise, someone agree to changing in this respect for the well being of the relationship, and the other agreeing to let x slide in return

So i would recommend you willingly initiate some open honest conversation with your wife.

Being single in the era of tinder and disposable relationships is a minefield. Its definitely worth trying to save yr marriage.

If you cant talk to eachother respectfully (without sarcasm etc) get a couple counsellor. Its worth the money if you dont want the prospect of growing old and dying alone.
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Old 12-25-17, 05:06 AM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fraser_0762 View Post
One major thing i've learnt about people is to never assume anything with them. You may think you know exactly whats going on with them, when you could be so far off.
Fixed.


Cheers,
Ian
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Old 12-25-17, 05:09 AM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

Quote:
Originally Posted by aeon View Post
Fixed.


Cheers,
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Oh no, us men are far more simple. Women can read men far more easily than men can read women.
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Old 12-25-17, 07:52 AM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

Something's been brewing and unless you honestly and openly(without her fearing your judgement) ask her about it and get her to tell you, its going to continue to brew until it sours. It seems easy "whats up with you over the last 3/6/9/months?? You've been biting my head off" but that is not going to work.
What might work: "I have felt like I have been bothering you and getting on your nerves alot lately-awhile actually. The last thing I want to do to someone I love is annoy them. Is there anything I can do? Is there something I need to work on? I want to meet your needs and I cant if you wont tell me what they are".
Then be prepared for her to be taken off guard. She may spew it out in relief you are aknowledging an issue or get defensive. If she gets defensive then:" I am not saying you are doing anything wrong or to me, I have noticed though that something has been bothering you. Ill let you think about this for awhile and when you are ready we can talk".Then move on. If she gets defensive do not get drawn into a fight, Its a form or deflection.
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Old 01-28-18, 08:37 PM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

Well, here's an update of sorts. My wife and I have talked at length about our relationship.

It turns out that my wife, when she and I met, was looking for a "Prince Charming" to rescue her from a life where she was being dominated by her mother, who at that time was living with her.

With women, I can be charming and funny, at least in a superficial way, and in a substantial enough way that I could have some brief relationships (AKA "one night stands") But when it comes down to the nitty gritty of day-to-day living and coping with the inevitable problems of life, my coping skills are--to say the least--lacking. Oh sure, I usually manage to solve the problems, fix what's broken, etc, but only after some "venting" and stressing out.

When my wife (who had her own emotional baggage) met me, she found me charming and funny (which I certainly can be). She saw me as her best chance to get out from under her mother's thumb. I did provide a certain stability for her to be able to stand up to her "crazy" mother. This in turn allowed her to grow as a person.

Lots of stuff has happened in the years since we got married. However, now that we have been married for some time, my wife has realized that she will never get her Prince Charming, Happily Ever After fairy tale ending. Instead, she is married to a flawed man, who has his own baggage, and who has failed her many times (there are a few successes in there, too, but that is not what seems to be the main focus at this point).

Anyway, the one thing that seems clear is that two damaged people married each other, and one of those damaged people (my wife) has concluded that they cannot find happiness with the other damaged person. I don't fault her for this. Fact is, people sometimes simply marry the wrong person. For my part, I don't have super high expectations and I think I could find happiness with my wife but she does not feel the same way about me now. Her feeling is that my initial ability to give her a safe harbor from her mother enabled her to start growing again, but she eventually grew beyond her need for me and feels that I can no longer fulfill her emotional needs, and she needs to move on.

My wife has agreed to attend some couples counselling with me, but she is adamant that any problems do not lie with her. So, I don't know how this is going to be of any help to either of us. Truthfully, I am ready to just be done with all of it. If my wife would be happier with somebody else, or alone, then fine, let's get a divorce. I know that I'll be miserable, as I have always wanted a life companion. But hey, that's what alcohol is for, right?
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Old 01-28-18, 09:47 PM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

No. You make up for each other's capabilities and limitations.

Passionate love, compassionate love, companionate love.

And unless either of you is in The Happiness Business, the aforementioned should work with some reflection.
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Last edited by Little Missy; 01-28-18 at 09:59 PM..
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Old 01-28-18, 11:17 PM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

@Little Missy: I understand what you're trying to say. But I'm coming to realize a Truth that somebody close to me posited some years ago. It takes Two to make a relationship work, but it only takes One to end it/ruin it.

Just since I posted today, my wife told me she's decided that she's not interested in doing any "therapy" or "counseling" after all, and that she has come to the realization that I am the problem in our relationship, and she feels the need to "do whatever it takes" to get away from it and to "grow herself", whatever that means.

Truth be told, I am tired of fighting to retain a relationship that my wife seems like she clearly no longer wants. Faced with the choice of being in a relationship with someone who views me as inferior and as a "problem", I would rather be in NO relationship at all.

In the past hour my wife blew up at me for not totally cleaning my dinner plate before putting it in the sink for washing--but I ate EVERYTHING on my plate AND scraped residue off into the kitchen trash. This is one of those pet peeves that I quickly learned she had, shortly after we got married. She has a bit of an OCD streak and DEMANDS practically pristine plates at the end of dinner.

I finally had enough and told her, "You know, maybe we should just start looking at divorce attorneys." Her response? "My mother and I already have been."

Not much more to say now, I guess.
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Old 01-29-18, 05:14 AM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

It sounds like you two do need to move on. The fact that she admits no part in any of it is a problem.
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Old 01-29-18, 08:09 PM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

Wow Curmudgeon.

I remember how painful it was when I realized my brief marriage was ending ... even though I desperately wanted the ending.

Sounds like your wife brought some impossible expectations to the table and may not have shared those expectations with you ... So interesting that she says she wanted to be with you to move away from her domineering mother ... and yet, here at the end, she has already consulted a divorce attorney with her mother!

I would get to my own divorce attorney sooner rather than later ... just so you don't get outmaneuvered in the divorce. Your wife may be planning to play hardball, so get to your attorney ... and make sure there are not steps you need to be taking right now to protect yourself.

I also want to say that your description of the relationship shows a lot of maturity and a lot of fairness and a lot of willingness to be self-critical. You can build on all those traits as you go forward in your life.

Breaking up is so painful ... and the period of grief, loss and despair varies for each person. I don't wanna sound overly cheerful ... But most likely you've been living for quite a while with this burden and awareness that your wife was disappointed in you. On the other side of the grief there is the possibility of relief as you free yourself from that burden.

I really appreciate your honesty and self-awareness here ... which again speaks to your character.

Tone
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Old 02-05-18, 08:56 PM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

Well, sometimes marriages do not last. Mine didn’t. Masks fall off, new sources of supply are needed. Cheers and I wish you a smooth transition.
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Old 02-10-18, 05:05 AM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

You should have a one to one talk as husband and wife and address your problems. if you are suspecting something, best to approach her and talk to her about it as adults. If it can't be solved together, maybe get a counselor to help both of you.
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Old 02-10-18, 02:26 PM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

Curmudgeon. how long have you known you had ADHD?
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Old 02-17-18, 07:28 PM
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Re: "I love you, but I don't like you."

It is so sad, to be in the position of open to working it thru, and then just left hanging out to dry. Hope sharing here has been able to offer to comfort.
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