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  #1  
Old 03-02-18, 04:48 PM
TomInSpace TomInSpace is offline
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Question How "in love" should I be?

Hi all,

I am new to this forum. I just want to get a sense from other people who have ADHD what their experience in serious relationships has been. I have had struggles understanding my emotions towards my first serious girlfriend (are the emotions big enough, am I excited enough?), and I am not sure how ADHD influences my struggles.

So I ask you. In you most committed relationship(s):

1. Did you have an initial period of infatuation towards your partner?
2. Did you have trouble maintaining interest in the relationship after this feeling went away or never happened to begin with?
3. What was the feeling you experienced before deciding to get married? Is it anything like infatuation?

Any responses would be very helpful. Thank you!
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  #2  
Old 03-02-18, 06:29 PM
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Re: How "in love" should I be?

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Originally Posted by TomInSpace View Post
Hi all,

I am new to this forum. I just want to get a sense from other people who have ADHD what their experience in serious relationships has been. I have had struggles understanding my emotions towards my first serious girlfriend (are the emotions big enough, am I excited enough?), and I am not sure how ADHD influences my struggles.

So I ask you. In you most committed relationship(s):

1. Did you have an initial period of infatuation towards your partner?
2. Did you have trouble maintaining interest in the relationship after this feeling went away or never happened to begin with?
3. What was the feeling you experienced before deciding to get married? Is it anything like infatuation?

Any responses would be very helpful. Thank you!
Welcome to the forum!

I’ve been married for 18 years and we’ve been together for 21.

1. Yes there was infatuation initially but it felt mutual.

2. The infatuation slowed down after a month or 2 and then a deep and trusting relationship and friendship developed. We became best friends 20 years ago and are closer now than ever. There’s no one, I would rather share my deepest issues with or spend my time with.

3. We dated for 3 years and the infatuation wore off but we fell in love and became best friends. When I realized, I couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life without her is when I asked her to marry me. We’ve been happy ever since.


Being best friends, greatly enjoying each other’s company, always being open and honest, and communicating has been the key.

Hope you enjoy it here and hang around.
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  #3  
Old 03-02-18, 07:58 PM
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Re: How "in love" should I be?

Been married 23 years and the first time I talked to my husband I knew he was THE one. We became best friends and wanted to spend as much time with each other as possible. For us, that never really has worn off. Sure it wains or changes now cause we have kids and cant stay up all night drinking coffee and smoking at Denny's but I still get butterflies when I know he is on his way home from work.
Friends first- love will follow.
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Old 03-02-18, 09:30 PM
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Re: How "in love" should I be?

Passionate love, compassionate love, and companionate love. The trifecta.
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Old 03-06-18, 02:01 PM
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Re: How "in love" should I be?

Sounds like you're a good person and you like your partner.

Seems like you're wondering if this lack of infatuation and the lack of the "in love" feeling is really a problem. You're wondering if perhaps "romance" and "chemistry" and "infatuation" feelings ... are just immature romantic fluff that people fall victim to.

The truths of serious romance and marriage as I learned them:

#1 Primitive attraction ... visceral attraction .... is necessary ... for a healthy long-term romance ... even though this wanes over time.

#2 Primitive attraction is NOT sufficient for a healthy romantic relationship--indeed woefully insufficient ...

#3 Indeed primitive attraction and feeling "in love" can totally mislead people into terrible relationships.

I used to think Truths #2 & #3 canceled out Truth #1.

I was wrong.

And I have several friends who were also wrong in this way. One is still married, and his wife basically hates him because he doesn't want to have sex with her. Worse, he doesn't even want to massage her neck or be tender with her. Instead he tries to hide this absence by going on trips, going to the movies, attending art shows, watching Netflix series together. And none of this activity fools his wife for one second.

A strong selfish attraction (and "selfish" is one place I got hung up) is part of the special fuel that will later help sustain the relationship as it moves more towards friendship. There is an intimate tenderness that can come when attraction and deep friendship come together.

And you cannot fake attraction … The other person feels this absence, painfully so--pretty much every day ... and you cannot will yourself into attraction. Marrying someone does NOT increase your physical attraction for them or hide this absence--if anything, just the opposite.

Thank God, I finally dated someone I was really turned on by ... and OMG, gone was the passive, ambivalent me. It was so much easier to be present and fully in the relationship. Ironically, she broke up with me and admitted she never felt turned on by me. Painful ... excruciatingly painful at the time ... and the most kind and wonderful thing someone has ever done.

I had been in her position so many times and didn't realize how painful and awkward and obvious the absence of attraction was to people I had been dating.

So to answer your question directly, you want to be VERY MUCH in love with someone if you are thinking of marrying them.

Tone
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Old 03-06-18, 04:56 PM
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Re: How "in love" should I be?

Real, long term love is like soaring to the highest heights and diving to the lowest lows except you hold hands when you do it and ride on the wings of a phoenix. You overcome everything-all of it, beat the odds, right place right time, butterflies in the stomach.You fight hard-yet fair. Sometimes something is said that feels like it might break you in two-but then the making up happens. You become willing to bend, to conform to become one person- romantically. That doesnt mean you do not have your own personalities- you are individual people but together is what feels right size. Its like eclipses- one of you is the celestial object, blocking out the others' light and then the roles flip. One cant be without the other. And then the universe is whole again.
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Old 03-09-18, 05:25 AM
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Re: How "in love" should I be?

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Real, long term love is like soaring to the highest heights and diving to the lowest lows except you hold hands when you do it and ride on the wings of a phoenix. You overcome everything-all of it, beat the odds, right place right time, butterflies in the stomach.You fight hard-yet fair. Sometimes something is said that feels like it might break you in two-but then the making up happens. You become willing to bend, to conform to become one person- romantically. That doesnt mean you do not have your own personalities- you are individual people but together is what feels right size. Its like eclipses- one of you is the celestial object, blocking out the others' light and then the roles flip. One cant be without the other. And then the universe is whole again.
OMG I did not realize how hokey and corny this sounded.
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Old 03-09-18, 11:13 AM
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Re: How "in love" should I be?

1. no...but profound attraction and interest
2. no...because she is catnip to me
3. never been married


Cheers,
Ian
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Old 03-25-18, 10:34 PM
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Re: How "in love" should I be?

The idea that "normal people" get to feel love in some elevated way, is a falsehood that will lead you astray. Love, for anyone, is complicated, and requires leaps of faith; moments of unsure trust that ultimately lead to closeness. Therapy is useful. We're all damaged, ADHD or otherwise... the fact that you're here asking this question shows that you deserve to love, and be loved. Honesty, and trust, are the keys. Good luck!
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Old 03-26-18, 05:24 AM
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Re: How "in love" should I be?

ALL life is precious.
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