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General Parenting Issues The purpose of this forum is to discuss general parenting issues related to children with AD/HD(ADD & ADHD)

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  #16  
Old 09-06-18, 12:12 AM
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Re: Partner's kid is making my life hell

Ugh, I was worried that would be everyone's answer. So many people have said that but it's such a complicated situation with the kids, and a couple of other things that I need to make a last ditch effort to make it work. I love him, and this is literally the only major issue in our relationship, it just so happens that it's a pretty giant issue
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  #17  
Old 09-06-18, 07:51 AM
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Re: Partner's kid is making my life hell

Having been a step parent I know the line you are walking. I think my favorite is when bio-mom said "No offense, but I didn't have a child with YOU, so I'm not talking to you about this". I had the kid 24 days a month, and still didn't get to be involved according to her.

However, I had a long talk with my husband and flat out said "I'm not going to stand here and let him grow into a piece of crap. Either you discipline him or I will. If you don't like that then I guess we are done because I will not be complicit in raising a non productive human being! This is my house too and while he doesn't have to call me mom he has to listen to me as a mom." My husband had a talk with the kid and said "if she says something you just need to pretend like it's coming from me and mind your manners." If the kid didn't like what I had to say he would run and tell daddy who would then back up the previous statement by saying "If that's what she said then that's what you do!"

The kid was 4 when that conversation was had. At my husband got custody. At age 9 the bio-moms other 2 kids were taken by the state, they removed her rights and allowed me to adopt him. At age 12 I divorced his dad, he chose to stay with me. The 16 year old I'm always talking about is that kid. He needed an adult to step up and be there for him and to make sure he was raised in a loving and disciplined manner. He's a junior in high school with a 3.3GPA and throws 84mph off the mound in baseball. He's planning on playing in college and thanks me often for saving him from his bioparents.

One person can truly make a difference in a child's life, through their actions OR their lack of actions.
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  #18  
Old 09-06-18, 11:58 AM
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Re: Partner's kid is making my life hell

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He says it's his job as a parent and should be handled exclusively by him.
Well, it was his job as a husband to stay married forever to the mother of his four children, and obviously he didn't stick well to that job. This idea that you can be a part of his life without being a "parent" to the children is a fantasy.

You're not in a relationship with just him. You're in a relationship with him, his four kids, and his ex-wife. You are part of a seven-way relationship.
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  #19  
Old 09-10-18, 11:47 PM
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Re: Partner's kid is making my life hell

CharlesH, thats why I'm so frustrated. He expects me to just live under the same roof as these children and not have any say over their behaviour, when he too doesn't want to say anything about their behaviour so they're learning that they can just do whatever they want and face no consequences. While the youngest is the biggest issue, all of the kids are the same, even the eldest who's 16.

I found out the other day that the youngest two think that I don't like them. The youngest, thats not really surprising. I don't dislike him, but I'm the only one who enforces any kind of expectations on him and he's not used to that. But the second youngest, I have done everything in my power to help him. He has anxiety which I totally get, having had anxiety my whole life as well. He was getting pushed around because his little brother was so demanding of attention, so I put in place a system where Dad spends time alone with him and when the youngest comes over and tries to intervene, for at least some of the time, he's told to go and do something else for a little while so that they can spend some quality time together. I've taken him on outings when he was getting anxiety so that he could de-stress, but the last time they were here, I told him off for bouncing a ball during a somber occasion (war memorial service) when I'd asked him not to...

Anyways, I feel really crappy about that and I'm not sure how to handle it. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I do anything to try and "fix" the situation, I'm a monster, but I can't not do anything about it because it'll break me. Ahh life, so much fun.
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  #20  
Old 09-11-18, 01:35 AM
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Re: Partner's kid is making my life hell

I am in agreement with the others about your partner needing to address his son's issues consistently to have him change. At the same time it may be that his son needs way more than you could ever give him in which case the kinder thing would be to break it off so he can focus on his son. It doesnt have to be about making you happy and changing the sons' behavior. It can be a matter of addressing his sons' issues for the sake of the son. Maybe he isnt capable of being in a relationship and dealing with a special needs child and that's ok too.
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  #21  
Old 09-11-18, 10:58 AM
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Re: Partner's kid is making my life hell

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I am in agreement with the others about your partner needing to address his son's issues consistently to have him change. At the same time it may be that his son needs way more than you could ever give him in which case the kinder thing would be to break it off so he can focus on his son. It doesnt have to be about making you happy and changing the sons' behavior. It can be a matter of addressing his sons' issues for the sake of the son. Maybe he isnt capable of being in a relationship and dealing with a special needs child and that's ok too.
I totally agree with this. I have given him that option in the form of, "if what you need to deal with this situation is for me to bow out, I'll do that, and I'll understand" but he didn't want to do that 6 months ago. Maybe it's something to bring up again. It's a shame though, he only sees the kids one weekend a month and half of every school holidays so it would be a shame to lose an otherwise good relationship.

To be fair though, my only concern isn't making myself happy (though it would be nice to not be injured and disrespected all of the time ) but I'm seeing how unhappy his other kids are because of the behaviour of the youngest, their family doesn't even want to spend time with him because he's cruel to other kids and seems to enjoy and thrive off causing trouble.

I was seeing a counsellor before all of this happened, and I've asked her if she can help us, and we had an appointment together with her, so I'm hoping she can help and it will just take some time and patience.
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Old 09-11-18, 12:46 PM
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Re: Partner's kid is making my life hell

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but he didn't want to do that 6 months ago.
Why would he want to choose? Right now he gets everything his way.

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It's a shame though, he only sees the kids one weekend a month and half of every school holidays so it would be a shame to lose an otherwise good relationship.
What do you mean by "shame?" You mean you'd feel shame for yourself, or that you feel shame for him that he gets so little custody?


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I was seeing a counsellor before all of this happened, and I've asked her if she can help us, and we had an appointment together with her, so I'm hoping she can help and it will just take some time and patience.
Yeah, and if the counselor can't help, she should refer you to a counselor that specializes in family therapy. Best of luck. It sounds like a bad situation that you've been dealt with. It's not your responsibility to solve his family problems (and it might be beyond your ability to anyway), but it is your responsibility to take care of your own wellbeing.

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their family doesn't even want to spend time with him because he's cruel to other kids and seems to enjoy and thrive off causing trouble.
If the family doesn't even like the kid, then how can they expect you to like the kid? And why would the kid choose to respect a family that allows themselves to be subjected to this type of behavior?
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  #23  
Old 09-13-18, 03:56 AM
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Re: Partner's kid is making my life hell

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I totally agree with this. I have given him that option in the form of, "if what you need to deal with this situation is for me to bow out, I'll do that, and I'll understand" but he didn't want to do that 6 months ago. Maybe it's something to bring up again. It's a shame though, he only sees the kids one weekend a month and half of every school holidays so it would be a shame to lose an otherwise good relationship.
What do you mean by "its a shame he only gets 1 weekend a month?" Why do you think that is? even more important...would he want more time considering how tough it is now? It doesnt sound like a great relationship considering this has come up before and he hasnt done anything about it.
Quote:
To be fair though, my only concern isn't making myself happy (though it would be nice to not be injured and disrespected all of the time ) but I'm seeing how unhappy his other kids are because of the behaviour of the youngest, their family doesn't even want to spend time with him because he's cruel to other kids and seems to enjoy and thrive off causing trouble.
That is your partner's stuff. He is not protecting you or his other children....how crazy is that? He is letting one child monopolize the time and rule the house month after month. He has no reason to really change because you keep staying so there are no natural consequences.
I am not trying to be a jerk here. Life is to short to deal with crap like this.
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Old 09-13-18, 06:43 AM
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Re: Partner's kid is making my life hell

Reading this, I really feel sorry for the kid. Also, as someone who works in the school system, I am very concerned about the the physical violence. The kid is now 11, and still lashing out physically?

It’s OK that the kid has ADHD and has trouble with emotional regulation. It is absolutely not OK that his go to coping mechanism involves attacking those close to him. If he does that in school, he’ll get suspended eventually. If he does that to a police officer or in the community, especially as he gets older and bigger, the consequences can be a lot more dire.

He needs to learn other ways of coping.
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Old 09-13-18, 11:06 AM
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Re: Partner's kid is making my life hell

I'm sorry, but you are only 28...why would you put up with this crud? Plenty of fish in the sea!!!
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