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Old 09-04-18, 04:22 PM
Frustrated65 Frustrated65 is offline
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ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

My boyfriend and I had been dating for 2 years. We are both 19 years old and going away to college for the first time. We are both in different states. He's in CA and I'm in NY. We've had our share of communication problems. He doesn't text me much or see me much because of our schedules. I kept talking to him about it and he kept asking for chances, saying that he'd change, improve, do better. The past 2+ months were particularly bad. We both started new jobs over the summer. I worked evenings and he worked days so there wasn't much time to see each other and he'd only text me once or twice a week. When I did text him, he'd respond quickly. But I felt that if we continued like this, there was no way that we could sustain our LDR with us being on 2 different coasts so I asked him for a temporary break - hoping that his feelings for me would inspire him to communicate more. He didn't fight me. He agreed that the break would be good for us. He also asked that I not tell our friends or family about this as he felt that his family would be mad at him and blamed him for the break.

While on a break, we did meet up a couple of times. The first time, he acted like nothing in our relationship had changed. He held my hand, hugged me, cuddled, etc. The day before he left for school, I went over to see him and he gave me a Stuffie so that I could remember him while I was away from him. Again, we behaved like we were still together. We talked and he said that he saw us reconciling once the stresses of school settled down. Before I left, he gave me a huge hug, we kissed and he told me he loves me. I was very hopeful. Then a week after he left, he sent me a text saying that he didn't see a future for us together and that the problems we had in our relationship was unfixable. (I would have compromised in a heartbeat - if he'd only talk with me about it). He didn't even ask for my opinion on this - he just gave me my walking papers and wished me well and hoped I have a good life.

What happened? I know you don't know either of us but outside of the communication problem, we really didn't have any other problems in our relationship. I would have done anything for him. He's my best friend and I've known him since we were in kindergarten. I am so hurt. I haven't responded to his breakup text as I honestly don't know what to say.

Is this part of his ADHD or is there something else happening here? I don't want to text him because I'm worried I'd be pushing him away further. He hasn't taken any of our pictures off his social media sites but has changed his relationship status on Facebook. He also hasn't told any of his family about our breakup because his sisters and his mom continue to like and comment on my social media posts. What's going on?

Hoping for some insight.
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Old 09-04-18, 06:49 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

Sorry.... me again. What I'm trying to understand is how can he go from loving me one week to dumping me another week? He acted like he still loved me and said that it would all work out but then he breaks up with me without explanation a week later. I know he's not a very communicative person and is an introvert. I'm wondering if his behavior is ADHD related, ie impulsive when overwhelmed? Will he change his mind when things are back in a groove for him and less stressful? His breakup text really hurt me and his words made it so final. (He did say when we first went on a break that whatever decision is made - we agreed on a 3 month break - should be considered final. Maybe that was foreshadowing? Maybe he had every intention of a final break - but then why did he give me a cuddly toy and said that it was for me to think about him whenever I missed him and he told me he loved me and all.)

It just feels so awful not knowing. Part of me wants to speak with him but he tends to shutdown when he's stressed out and I don't want to make him more stressed. I'm hoping that you wonderful readers can help me figure out this situation. Thank you!
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Old 09-11-18, 02:13 AM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

I dont think he went from loving you to not loving you. I think he had doubts but decided to see how things went when you met up while you were on break and then once you left realized that it was too hard being so far away. He did you a favor imo. He could have strung you along but he made it easier for you to find someone right. It isnt about you its about him.
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Old 09-11-18, 10:03 AM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

Agree with SarahSweet...it'll hurt but better to move on.
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Old 09-11-18, 11:12 AM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

We will all support you here as you process this, but hopefully you have friends/family/counselor/pastor (Rabbi?) to help you through too.
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Old 09-11-18, 05:39 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

Thank you Sarahsweet and thank you DanielGoldberg for your reply and support.

My ex and I finally had a conversation. He called and said that he still wanted to be friends. I will be honest, I am very hurt and I don't know if I want to be friends with him now or ever. I asked him why he broke it off with me suddenly and he said that he had only made his decision once he arrived on campus. But he did also say that the breakup was something he'd been thinking about for a while now. What I don't understand is why wouldn't he talk to me about it? I asked him if he still had feelings for me and he said he didn't know. I asked if there was a chance of ever getting back together and again, he said he didn't know. But through it all, he kept saying, it's not going to work currently.

I've come to terms with the breakup. I know we're not getting back together and I am prepared to move on. My question is, was this behavior just him being a jerk or was it the ADHD talking? If he was having doubts about our relationship, why wouldn't he talk to me about it? Why does he get to make that decision all by himself when there were 2 of us in the relationship?

We've known each other for over 13 years and have a lot of history together, yet he was fully prepared to cut me out of his life. That's the part that hurts the most but I know that I will be okay with time.
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Old 09-11-18, 05:49 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

Just let him go , i don’t think that he thinks as much as you do about it

One sided relationships end up with broken hearts

If you try to hold him , it isn’t love . It is fear of losing, lose of someone valueable to you

If you think he will be happy without you, wish him happiness
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Old 09-11-18, 07:53 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

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Originally Posted by Frustrated65 View Post
Thank you Sarahsweet and thank you DanielGoldberg for your reply and support.

My ex and I finally had a conversation. He called and said that he still wanted to be friends. I will be honest, I am very hurt and I don't know if I want to be friends with him now or ever. I asked him why he broke it off with me suddenly and he said that he had only made his decision once he arrived on campus. But he did also say that the breakup was something he'd been thinking about for a while now. What I don't understand is why wouldn't he talk to me about it? I asked him if he still had feelings for me and he said he didn't know. I asked if there was a chance of ever getting back together and again, he said he didn't know. But through it all, he kept saying, it's not going to work currently.

I've come to terms with the breakup. I know we're not getting back together and I am prepared to move on. My question is, was this behavior just him being a jerk or was it the ADHD talking? If he was having doubts about our relationship, why wouldn't he talk to me about it? Why does he get to make that decision all by himself when there were 2 of us in the relationship?

We've known each other for over 13 years and have a lot of history together, yet he was fully prepared to cut me out of his life. That's the part that hurts the most but I know that I will be okay with time.
ADHD does a lot of things but it doesn't tell the heart what to do. There's no sense in asking why. Turn towards the pain until you are through it. Lean on your friends and other support. Maybe he didn't do it in the most elegant way, but he was doing you a favor by ending it if his heart wasn't in it. It don't agree with him that being friends right away is a good idea, but he's not necessarily a bad person. Let go and enjoy college with who's there on YOUR campus.
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Old 09-11-18, 09:58 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

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Originally Posted by Frustrated65 View Post
Thank you Sarahsweet and thank you DanielGoldberg for your reply and support.

My ex and I finally had a conversation. He called and said that he still wanted to be friends. I will be honest, I am very hurt and I don't know if I want to be friends with him now or ever. I asked him why he broke it off with me suddenly and he said that he had only made his decision once he arrived on campus. But he did also say that the breakup was something he'd been thinking about for a while now. What I don't understand is why wouldn't he talk to me about it? I asked him if he still had feelings for me and he said he didn't know. I asked if there was a chance of ever getting back together and again, he said he didn't know. But through it all, he kept saying, it's not going to work currently.

I've come to terms with the breakup. I know we're not getting back together and I am prepared to move on. My question is, was this behavior just him being a jerk or was it the ADHD talking? If he was having doubts about our relationship, why wouldn't he talk to me about it? Why does he get to make that decision all by himself when there were 2 of us in the relationship?

We've known each other for over 13 years and have a lot of history together, yet he was fully prepared to cut me out of his life. That's the part that hurts the most but I know that I will be okay with time.

in my opinion, in matters like this, there isn't the person and/or the adhd

its just the person with ADHD, so no matter if the ADHD influenced something, its so pervasive it doesn't really matter
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Old 09-12-18, 09:13 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

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Originally Posted by Frustrated65 View Post

My question is, was this behavior just him being a jerk or was it the ADHD talking? If he was having doubts about our relationship, why wouldn't he talk to me about it? Why does he get to make that decision all by himself when there were 2 of us in the relationship?

We've known each other for over 13 years and have a lot of history together, yet he was fully prepared to cut me out of his life. That's the part that hurts the most but I know that I will be okay with time.
Well, maybe he just got bored and didn't know how to tell it to you since you seemed to be so invested. It's hard to tell someone you like he's not stimulating any more.

If you ask of an ADHD way of seing this, relationships wear off quickly for us.
It takes some experience to know whether it's the other person not being the right one after all, or just routine.

Everybody got these dilemmas but we face it more often I think. And more often fail to answer the right way.
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Old 09-13-18, 02:43 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

Userguide, I think you've nailed it. When I look back at our relationship as a whole (from when we were just friends to best friends to bf/gf), I see that we engaged the most in the first 6 months of our relationship. Even though I would see him at school, we'd be home texting late into the night. He'd always want to see me and spend time with me. The longer we went out, there were fewer texts, fewer dates. The last 3 months were the worst due to our schedules. I worked days, he worked night and when he was home, he wouldn't hardly texts. (We don't talk on the phone because he hates talking.) He'd spent all of his time playing video games. When I asked why we weren't communicating as much, he told me that we didn't have much in common (but that didn't stop him from pursuing a bf/gf relationship with me 2 years ago ) He also blamed me for not initiating contact. We were each other's first. He told me he loved me 3 weeks into our relationship. He told me he saw us getting married one day. I now realize that those were due to his ADHD. Then this summer, after we graduated and were busy doing our own thing, I wasn't around much to stimulate him so "out of sight, out of mind". When I thought that we were at a comfortable stage in our relationship where love and trust existed, he got bored and since it's his first relationship ever, he probably figures that I wasn't the one as I was no longer stimulating to him. So he broke it off with me.

I think I've come a long ways since the breakup. I've had time to reflect on our relationship and I really saw how one sided it was. Due to his disability, we always had to do things his way. We spoke only when he felt like it. We only ate at one of 4 restaurants ever as he was very pickly. We could never go to the movies as he couldn't bear to sit through it - unless of course it was a movie he wanted to see - then it was okay. He seldom took responsibility for anything that was going wrong in his life - he would always blame others (including me in the end - ie. I didn't have anything in common with him and I didn't initiate conversations with him). He could only see the world through his eyes and could never see my side of things. I realized early on that much of his traits were due to his ADHD and not necessarily him as a person and so I stayed. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I knew that deep down inside, he was this amazing person.

In highsight, I don't believe that things would have worked out for us anyway. We're very different people and I think that in time, things would have eventually irked me. But when I was in the relationship and in love with him, I couldn't see those differences. Now I can. Thank you all for all your help and support and thank you Userguide for explaining it as clearly as you did.
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Old 09-13-18, 09:22 PM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

sounds like it wasn't gonna work out

for future reference don't let this shape you view of everybody with adhd

we aren't all self centered and just get bored of people cause they aren't stimulating enough


while those personality features may appear more often in adhd then others its still a minority of us
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Old 09-14-18, 11:31 AM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

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Originally Posted by daveddd View Post
sounds like it wasn't gonna work out

for future reference don't let this shape you view of everybody with adhd

we aren't all self centered and just get bored of people cause they aren't stimulating enough


while those personality features may appear more often in adhd then others its still a minority of us
Thank you Daveddd. I needed to hear that.
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Old 09-18-18, 12:34 AM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

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we aren't all self centered and just get bored of people cause they aren't stimulating enough

Speak for youself dave

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Old 09-18-18, 01:46 AM
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Re: ADHD Boyfriend Broke-Up with Me and I don't understand why. Help!

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Speak for youself dave

I kind of did,lol

we seem to be the only population whos lovelife, attachment tendencies , relationship intimacy and so on is reductively chalked up to dopamine stimulation

its stated as fact a lot with zero empirical evidence or even a real theory

it kind of makes me feel less than human when a lot of partners assume we just hyperfocusing on them and want to trade them for a bunny rabit after the honeymoon period

who knows, the part of a relationship that comes after the honeymoon period involves intimacy, emotional connections and 2 person emotional regulation that is deeply rooted in executive function

could it be an impairment that leaves some of us alone and hurt, and not happily chasing a bunny rabbit in circles?
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