ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADDForums FRONT OFFICE > New Member Introductions
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-30-05, 02:05 AM
ClimbingSoul's Avatar
ClimbingSoul ClimbingSoul is offline
Jr Member

Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Emmaus, PA 18049 (USA)
Posts: 10
Thanks: 0
Thanked 5 Times in 1 Post
ClimbingSoul is on a distinguished road
Climbing_Soul - Lehigh Valley, PA USA


I'm hurting.

I am a 42 year old male married to my best friend and we have 2 beautiful children. I was finally convinced to seek help and was diagnosed with ADHD Combined type July 26th 2005. Exactly 1 month after my wife uncovered my "other self".

I had kept hidden from her and everyone I know the humiliating truth that I was basically living two lives. One normal looking (and sincerely wanting to be) and the other sinking ever lower into self destructive, degrading, addiction to sex.

All of my memories of family and friends are happy with the usual mix of flaws and imperfections sprinkled in of course. But all of my memories and feelings about myself in situations of performance (school, work, social achievement) are painful and clear. Failure. I won't bore you with lengthy recounting nor the often repeated shout, "I saw myself in all those profiles in all those BOOKS. It's sufficient to say I do. I am a failure (Objectively speaking). I feel like a failure (Subjectively speaking).

I have an IQ of 128 which I learned from my diagnosing Psychologist and 2 days packed full of tests. He said that's in the 96th percentile and at the high end of the standard deviation of the bell curve.

My performance is as slow, erratic and as poor as the opposite standard deviation at the low end. The portion of the bell curve which is, I learned, below the plateau of Functionally Retarded. Equivalent to an IQ of around 60. The bottom 4% or so of all people exposed to the IQ test.

My TOVA results were worse.
For Inattention - below 0.1 percentile
For Impulsivity - Bottom 4th percentile
For Response Time - below 0.1 percentile
For Variability - below 0.1 percentile

10 weeks, a dozen 90 minute and longer sessions with the diagnosing psychologist, Physician supervised trials with ADDerall XR at doses from 5mg thru 20, 40, 60 and up to 80mg (equals 1mg per KG at my body weight per day) and no help.

The psychologist did use a term "the IMPOSTER Syndrome" to describe what another of his ADHD adult patients called how they felt every day. It suits me
perfectly. It is exactly how I have come to feel about myself.

People initially see me as likeable and quick and funny and charming and empathetic, and loving and ethical and good. They naturally think that what can be expected with me would be good. A continuation of the positive assumptions anyone would usually extrapolate from that sort of initial impression.

Even me. When I was younger I was at first oblivious, then vaguely confused, then a little unhappy about what my life actually kept being vs. what I would have thought it might have been. School - Teachers loved me but I spent a lot of time in detention instead of recess. Everyone would shake their heads when grades came out. High standardized test scores (Iowas, PSAT, SAT etc.) Low achievement, sliding to abysmal.

Just like everybody else I thought I was good and smart too. And nice to boot! But I got invited to fewer and fewer birthday parties and in grade school ended up with 3 friends I can recall (and now realize post diagnosis, were 2 LD kids and one "trouble maker"). In high school I had lots of friendly acquaintances and 1 friend. No friends outside of school. Didn't do well with the girls (confidence by this point was getting pretty bad but, ever the optimist, I blundered on). I like girls and they liked me. I just was too extreme. Either I was too cool and not caring enough and they went away crying and hurt because I was playing the field all the while acting like they were the center of my attention OR they really WERE the center of my attention and they HAD to get away because I was so clinging. Social rules like space and time and appropriate separateness and independence and all of it were always just invisible to me. But I really was sincere. I really felt I wanted to be close to them, wanted to be wanted by them too.

College was a disaster. Academically, socially, emotionally and personally. I was completely blown away by the curriculum of the freaking State College for God's sake! After 2 semesters and not much attendance I confessed most of the truth about my failure to my family (both parents are educators) and convinced both myself and them that at this point in my life I needed to follow my dream and pursue Theatre as a major even though I wouldn't be as "marketable". With their inside help I was accepted conditionally to a private college and began my dream. A semester later I dropped out having failed my classes AND my acting attempts.

In college I did manage to learn about pot for the first time. That never became a habit. I think I did it about twice or 3 times after that. Turns out my roommate (the first one to introduce me to it) was a dealer and was working out of our room. I had no idea. I was as clueless then as I feel today. This transcends mere naiveté, I genuinely don't get things that are obvious to mostly everyone.

In college I also got seriously drunk for the first time. That continued to happen (very infrequently) but recurrently, I'm embarrassed to say, through my mid 30s. I didn't and don't drink as a habit. In fact it's rare that I drink at all unless it's at an occasion or over at a friend's or something. However, inexplicably, I would go way too far at really inappropriate times, like on vacation with friends, or having people over at our home.

The work world has been just as juxtaposed for me too. Great promise and potential seen in me by those hiring. Great enthusiasm and excitement on my part too. Genuine enthusiasm which only dies away as it becomes clear (first to them, usually later to me) that I am not performing. I've worked everything from white collar sales to retail, commercial industrial labor to marketing management, real estate to technical IT jobs. I've failed and worked my way down the ladder at each.

My innocent family, my loving wife and best friend, our wonderful children have been the victims. I have been too, or at least that's how I could feel 1) if I could get past the fact that, like it or not, I am also the perpetrator and cause of all the harm and 2) if I wanted to allow myself to play the role of the victim (which I DO NOT!) I have made us all poor. I have been inexplicably undependable and appeared I'm sure to be unloving. My kids had no clue nor any tools to understand why their Dad was so confusing to them. Ultra loving and fun and close then disinterested (appearing) or why they waited to be picked up so many times while their friends left one after another, going home with their parents who (so obviously) loved them. My best friend had an adults coping tools maybe but are they enough to deal with a friend who doesn't act like a good friend acts? Are any coping tools enough to deal with a mate, a husband who can't provide for the family? A man who becomes less confident as he grows rather than more. Who BECOMES less instead of growing from the potential she saw in me when I asked her to marry me.

Over the years I have slowly lost the few other friends I have had. Now I may have finished the job. I am sorry.

We were married young, neither of us through with college yet. She did go back and finished with honors and her career shows it. She did it while carrying me as my work has seldom amounted to much. She did it while (I was completely unaware) she was also doing almost everything else to keep our household going. When my behaviors and "blinks and blanks" did get noticed, I reacted defensively that everybody forgets stuff sometimes and often put the blame on her or on the kids. I'd tell them (genuinely believing it myself because I have no memory of it) that THEY failed to tell me something, or they forgot to let me know they needed this or had to be picked up then etc. The post diagnosis clarity of this alone makes me physically sick to my stomach. She truly had the worst of both worlds. She was SUPER functional compensating for me AND I was not only not grateful I blamed her for being so unpleasant and urged her to lighten up a little about life.

I have NEVER found fulfillment in school or in work. People who like their jobs and actually find their pursuits rewarding have always been a mystery to me. The best I've experienced is a tolerable job that I didn't mind too much for the pay. My fulfillment could only come from people and the only people who (I realize now) would interact with me were my family and few friends. They became almost no friends and my kids became distant or hostile or sad and my best friend, simply became deadened. As her emotional distance took her further away from me, the very behaviors that have sabotaged my performance in every way, became even worse. She talked less, I talked more to try to get her to engage. She became sadder and more lethargic with depression, I became more hyperactive trying to inject energy and life into our days. She made fewer and fewer requests of me, I promised more and started more projects to please her and to feed the need for life or love or ANYTHING but the sadder and sadder quietness that grew around us.

Since I hit puberty (and discovered that particular kind of release) as a kid I have liked that. Looking back I realize as things went bad as they always managed to do, I went there. It's how I escaped. When everything was going down that took me up. I know John Gray or others say men can separate love and the physical aspect in a way that women don't but I raised it to an art form. My separation of how I emotionally felt in a love relationship and that specific physical escape was wondrous. I mean I even have myself convinced that the one has no connection with the other and neither does my escape have impact.

Of course like all things it started somewhere somehow. It was young with me and fun for an other wise under stimulated boy with not a lot of friends to hang with and not much left for a bright kid alone to keep himself occupied with in the wealth of free time available. It just felt good and anyway that might have just been the normal start most have. I dunno. What wasn't the same for everyone else though I think is that this kid didn't then engage in the usual next steps in life which tug most along into maturing and well.. everything normal in developing into a person. I never found more interest nor more energy and excitement. Sports didn't happen for me. I was competition averse having learned long before that I fail and that was just one more way to not fit in. Friendships failed to bloom and only the rare few ever deepened. School, work, extra activities just didn't get traction in my slippery environment of mixed messages. Obvious potential (I was told and assured again and again) matched with inexplicable failure regardless of brute force determination or creative alternative approaches. Nope, I wasn't going anywhere and that's where I've gotten to today.

The only thing that reliably gave a no strings attached high was that escape. As I sought it myself I became further from others. As I learned it wasn't cool I hid it. When I liked girls in high school I was a virgin and my escape soothed my anxieties (which tend to mount up pretty quickly with the opposite sex). Away to college and I am without even family and familiar acquaintances from high school. Prodigious escaping. Real failures that really mean something at the college level. Near constant escaping. Just between senior year in high school and freshman year in college is when the big one happened. The First time. And I was SOoo in love. Of course I was also SO attached that I smothered any chance and she dumped me. Crushing but I had discovered a new flavor of escape.

I always preferred girls more than guys as friends growing up, they were kinder to me and I related to their more gentle way better. To this day I am more comfortable with female friends than my (admittedly few) guy buddies. What I discovered then though was that I could merge two interests. But I wasn't a good boyfriend because I wasn't faithful at all. I wasn't mean (at least not intentionally). I was never chauvinist nor did I brag or even consider telling. I was just constantly trying to make female friends into "friend/escape-high" pairings. I was sincere in liking the friends in that part of my emotional self. I simply spun off the physical part as if it were unrelated. It's ok to have more than one friend.

Finally I met her. The one. My best friend and I didn't even know it yet. But I knew by now that couldn't treat people the way I'd been. So I stopped. Not the escaping, I stopped with the people I cared about and respected and liked. I went back to escaping alone. But like drugs, for it to work I had to keep upping the ante to reach the high. By now I knew I was a chronic failure. Being unfaithful (even though the encounters had been strictly superficial and physical) almost ruined our marriage before we really got started. Later because of it she had an affair. Understandable now but DEVASTATING to me then (actually it still hurts my core now). So now I learned I was not only a consistent loser but that the word was out. She knew it too and I was INADEQUATE for her. OBJECTIVELY speaking. She had gone to a better man because I was so bad. All I could be was not good enough for her.

We resolved it in marriage counseling but I never resolved it internally. I was too eager to have her happy again and with me again. So eager to be with her that as soon as her issues were resolved to her satisfaction and she chose to come back, I shut down the whole issue in my mind and RAN with the win. She came back to me which was my hope and dream and anything else I had left to work on was only another thing she might possibly not like so I stuffed it. Now I see that it was unfair to her and I both. I want now to be a whole person and to give THAT to her. To really offer her a true and (I hope) wondrous thing, the gift of myself with my potential realized, but I didn't.

I'd finally learned to quit. My self conditioning helped along by all the well meaning "Why don't you just try harder" beliefs and cemented by the harsher slaps of failures, firings, unemployments (plural), her love affair (I thought) and my inescapable record of failure. I do fail where others don't. It's my one reliable trait. I know I am inadequate. As a father, a spouse and as a friend. I knew too as the years went on that I was not bringing her joy and she was getting sad. Sadly I didn't even know that was true of my kids too nor did I have any idea why I didn't have friends. After all friends don't care how I do in my jobs. And friends and the kids don't know the private truth between just she and I that I am inadequate. My need to escape was never more strong. But I so didn't want to break bond with her nor fail her and myself by being unfaithful again. Instead I turned to lone pursuits in seedy locales. I went underground at first strictly alone but eventually in the company of usually old men seeking the same no strings quick release in dark places. All of us hiding from daylight and trying to avoid our shame. And these beliefs crept into the fantasies that I now needed to up the dose enough to distract me from the horror and to trigger it to happen.

My life had gradually moved from awkward with disappointing or embarrassing moments all the way down into the dark hole of humiliating. If anyone knew it all they could not like me. And never persevere in loving me. Loving them all back didn't make any difference either. Might land me a few days less in hell but it didn't change the reality of how I was to them.

Please note: I didn't even KNOW how I was experienced by them until these last few weeks however I am not stupid. I knew mostly all my life that I came up lacking by the simple presence of so much evidence.

The humiliation and the inadequacy were the last and maybe most poisoning elements to seep into my heart and my thoughts and sickly into my fuel for escaping. Like bad food hurting the whole system. I got sad and started to stay sad. Being hyperactive, few noticed. My loneliness is singular and made worse by the fact that it's so understandable and reasonable from even my point of view. The worst though is that the conviction that I am inadequate pushed my escapes into seeking humiliation. I could only breathe for those brief moments of escape from my embarrassing reality by triggering the escape with humiliation. I was degrading myself to escape and in the process REINFORCING and making real that which was humiliating.

I am an addict of this behavior. I have been a failure in so many ways and for so long. I have ADHD. My wife knows the whole horrible truth. She is so hurt and I have damaged her heart so deeply and for so long that she is attending to herself first. We are nowhere near talking about us. She is nowhere near deciding if she wants to even talk about an us. I love her so much that as sad as it makes me, I want her to find joy even if it is without me.

My Psychologist knows all this and more and is still asking me what I feel I need to work on after all these week and all this. As if after 42 years of not figuring it out on my own maybe I would just try a little harder and have an answer for him. I got so close to giving up last time that I could only hand him one of the books HE lent ME and point to the page. I am so frustrated. My family are the casualties, but inside I feel like I am dying too.

I started by saying I am hurting. I am. Hurting people I love, and hurting myself. I want the hurting to stop.

Monday I see a Psychiatrist and Psychologist Team at 10:30 am and another Psychiatrist at 1:15 PM. I need someone who knows what to do with me. I know what doesn't work, I am living it. I just haven't found what does work. I am at rock bottom. If she leaves I won't die. Far worse, I will wish I could. Of all my failures on this monumental record that would be worst. I will not fail her. I will not fail my kids. They deserve better. I am better than what I have done. I am more than what I have become. I need skilled hands to help me lift that into the light. And I am so discouraged and tired. I need someone who knows and believes this can happen, to be with me. Be with me so I don't quit as I've taught myself to do nor lose my way as I have the natural ability to do. I need the strength of a friend to climb higher. I need the skill of a veteran to make swift the delivery. And please gods... I need just a little nod of fortune to cover the distance in time. Can you hear me?

Are you out there?

I am trying to bear a gift worthy of expectations to angels of yours.


Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-05, 10:10 AM
Andrew's Avatar
Andrew Andrew is offline
Ghost in the Machine
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: New York, NY, USA
Posts: 13,208
Thanks: 243
Thanked 2,073 Times in 579 Posts
Andrew has a reputation beyond reputeAndrew has a reputation beyond reputeAndrew has a reputation beyond reputeAndrew has a reputation beyond reputeAndrew has a reputation beyond reputeAndrew has a reputation beyond reputeAndrew has a reputation beyond reputeAndrew has a reputation beyond reputeAndrew has a reputation beyond reputeAndrew has a reputation beyond reputeAndrew has a reputation beyond repute
Hi, and welcome to the forums. I appreciate your willingness to share your story with us. I feel your desire to succeed, matched with your experiences of failure...your frustrations of the goals you know you need to acheive, yet you're faced with a history of unsuccessful attempts. There's no easy answer to the challenges that you face, nor the mountains that you must climb to acheive them

I have faced many challenges of my own in life, and have struggled to find a way to be an optimist, let alone see success in my own life. In fact...where I DO succeed, I'm the last to acknowledge it, for fear of failing myself and those around me soon thereafter.

However, success IS achievable for you. How do I know this? Because you're reaching out. To your wife, your family, your doctors, and now to the people on the forums. That is a sign of someone that wants to acheive...that wants to believe in themselves.

* Recognize each success, no matter how small, as an acheivement

* Take things one step at a time. Yes, you might need to walk miles to reach your goals, but you can't get there without taking a step at a time.

* Seeing the forest from the trees is a good thing, except when you need to choose one tree to climb. Focus on something small that you want to achieve..something you know you can accomplish in a short period of time. Complete it, and build on that momentum.

* It doesnt matter at this point if anyone else sees your successes. You need to build yourself up, before you can support others with their challenges.

You'll find very supportive people here at the forums. People who have and are experiencing what you're facing. Look around and read their stories, and draw from their experiences. Ask questions and you're likely to get several responses. Most of all, welcome to a new set of friends.
The end is near...I don't have time to shoe shop for Andi!

To review the ADD Forums Guidelines, please click here.
Reply With Quote
Old 09-30-05, 11:11 AM
Andi's Avatar
Andi Andi is offline

Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: ?
Posts: 4,918
Blog Entries: 1
Thanks: 1,458
Thanked 8,036 Times in 2,496 Posts
Andi has a reputation beyond reputeAndi has a reputation beyond reputeAndi has a reputation beyond reputeAndi has a reputation beyond reputeAndi has a reputation beyond reputeAndi has a reputation beyond reputeAndi has a reputation beyond reputeAndi has a reputation beyond reputeAndi has a reputation beyond reputeAndi has a reputation beyond reputeAndi has a reputation beyond repute
I'd also like to welcome you. I must say that your openness and eloquence have touched and inspired me. I feel and understand your pain and struggles. I assure you…you are NOT alone and even though you are feeling the guilt and pain for the things you have done, you need to be mindful that it takes two to make a relationship work. This not only applies to your marriage, but friends and family. I realize that you see your responsibility or the lack thereof, in your relationships, but please understand that there have been mistakes made by others that have also added to this pain and frustration.

I must commend you for recognizing your shortcomings and realizing your contributions to these perceived failures. I applaud your efforts and encourage you to not browbeat yourself but find forgiveness. In all that you have said and done you need to not only concentrate on your wrongdoings or failures but look back and see where you have succeeded. There is no doubt that you have made mistakes over the years and have hurt people along the way, we all have, but I assure you that these moments have been tempered by good times and successes. It’s easy to focus on the negative but PLEASE take some time and look at the positive. If you need reinforcement seek it through your family, albeit they are hurt and angry, but it would be beneficial to see what they feel you have done that has made them happy, proud, and fulfilled. Understand that this may take time to answer but I’m sure it’s there.

I truly feel that it is imperative that you understand that you need to let go of your guilt and find peace within yourself. Andrew is dead on. The best method to deal with this situation is one step at a time. Try to find the positive and have faith in yourself. Just within a few short weeks you have made such tremendous strides. Step back and look at this and be proud of what you have achieved. It’s an amazing accomplishment. You currently are ahead of the game. There are many out there that are too afraid to even begin and by gawd, you have. Take the bull by the horns and face this head on. Let the people in your life KNOW that you are going to do this. Not just for them but for yourself. Set obtainable goals and work on yourself, reward yourself…the rest will fall into place.

I wish you continued success and look forward to your participation here at the forums.
Be nice to me, I have powers and Andrew no longer compensates me with shoes!!
Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.--Eleanor Roosevelt
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. --Frank Lloyd Wright

Everything I write is fully substantiated by my personal opinion.
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Old 06-26-06, 06:27 AM
ClimbingSoul's Avatar
ClimbingSoul ClimbingSoul is offline
Jr Member

Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Emmaus, PA 18049 (USA)
Posts: 10
Thanks: 0
Thanked 5 Times in 1 Post
ClimbingSoul is on a distinguished road
Hi again,
It's me... and it's long overdue that I "check-in" with you. You have been so supportive and (whether you knew it or not) have been actively helping me just by letting me evesdrop on your conversations and thoughts.

I have been listening as you've been sharing yourselves openly. Often what I heard was what I felt or expected to hear, but then there are those moments when something unexpected comes up. Or (and this took me longer to figure out) there are times when I find statements or insights before I am ready to really hear them.

They stay in my head and won't leave me alone. My thoughts poke at them and often push them around, as if my current perspective or understanding of myself (and my world) are arguing the points with them. Sometimes the new ideas push back. Hard.

Those times always precede and even fuel new growth inside me. It's like my internal arguments are the signal flares and your ideas are the fire.

You are blazing a trail. Your lead has helped me find myself and made it easier to do MY work, which is to find MY way. It's been really helpful and I think it's important that you know that.

I'm not done (by a whole lot!) but I've made progress and maybe what I see will help someone behind me. I don't know where to begin, so I'll start where I am.

My biggest struggle by far is confusion.

All the crazy endings that me and my ADHD created from normal beginnings kept me clueless from the start. Then I get more confusing news that ADHD has been my lens on the world! (AND the world's picture of me, by the way!) This meant I had to chuck even the little that I thought I had figured out! I had to learn what it is for me and look at my life over again to understand who I have been all along.

As trivial as it might sound I had to figure out what I do, what I sense, what I think, and what I feel before I could get anywhere. My confusion was that thick. I actually didn't know where I was starting from and had a really hard time observing myself and understanding what I do (and how I do it).

Just finding specific memories and finally having concrete examples to work with was super helpful. It was comforting too in a way.

There's a lot more but here are my answers from that chapter at least. Please copy my homework if it can help your progress or save you even one more day wasted feeling clueless and stuck. Our hallmark feature is that we are terrible self observers... Fine - You can watch me if you wanna.

I was diagnosed with ADHD Combined Type when I was 42.

That was almost exactly one year ago at the end of July 2005, at the end of my marriage and at the end of my rope!

I couldn't stop tears when the diagnosis was introduced to me because I instantly had the sense that it fit everything that was wrong. But what was everything exactly?

The list had to be simple and clear. It took me ages to figure out.

Here's everything I found (and MY ADHD explaines everything):

- Smart/Underachiever (Never got results despite potential - Never made much progress in school AND career - Even lost friends and relationships)
- High IQ/Poor elementary school experience

- High SAT/Crappy (and inconsistent) grades and test scores in high school

- Quick to undersatnd/S L O W to perform

- ABSOLUTELY unpredictable memory (Often don't remember conversation with you this morning/Yet sometimes DO remember things like the PAGE NUMBER in some random manual with the answer for a specific question asked of me.)

- Hyperactive physically (Body always moving, rarely able to sit or settle. I will fidget while I am "sitting still" EVEN WHEN I THINK I AM CALM!)

- Hypersensitive physically (I'm so extremely sensitive and aware of everything that I can't stop taking it all in, even stupid little things. For instance: the seam on a sock can bother me like crazy, or how a shirt hangs on my shoulders or just lays wrong around my neck, or a smell catches my attention or irritates me, every sound, conversation, and noise fills my ears, every sight and movement catches my eye, tiny changes in temperature, etc. etc. etc.)

- Almost always have a near TOTAL lack of ability to initiate action. (CORE problem that has damaged my life experience from school and career to friendship and love. It's what gets me labeled, what prevents momentum or even progress and it's why I have slowly been dying at the bottom rung of everything that's ever been thrust upon me and everything that I have taken on myself because I wanted to.)

- Almost always have near TOTAL lack of ability to persist in actions or take next steps.

- Massively impulsive (Cannot MAKE myself wait or shut-up or hold back. Do or say things I regret all the time. I do and say things even when I know damn well I shouldn't BEFOREHAND! Hell, sometimes I have helplessly watched myself do things which I ACTUALLY DON'T WANT TO DO - WHILE I AM ACTUALLY DOING THEM!)

- Constantly lose focus. (and I do mean LOSE focus. I can "pin-ball" from thing to thing through the day and not only lose track of what I was thinking, saying, or doing... I don't even remember THAT I WAS doing, saying or thinking whatever it was until someone mentions it or something else reminds me of it! More times than I can count, I'll find the evidence myself, laying right where I obviously must have left it earlier and for the life of me I couldn't tell you what made me stop or what I have been doing in the time in between!)

- Hyperactive mentally. Racing thoughts yet zero clarity. (Incessant chatter in my head, and LOOPING where some snippet of conversation or piece of music or words of a lyric will play over and over and over. This can go on for hours, filling my attention. It will even continue in the background while I AM thinking about whatever I'm trying to think about.)

- Hypersensitive mentally. (GOOD: when I somehow notice everything so well that it's like I'm predicting the future or reading minds. These are nuances of a situation or social cues from people that I can't even explain with words. BAD: when I notice the wrong things or pick up on details and absorb feelings PAST the point where they are significant. Sometimes they're not even related and I get VERY confused, misdirected and almost paranoid.)

OK, so what? What does it all mean for me?

My unreliable memory and my (I now find out) unusual experience of life hasn't provided me with a view that's a sound basis for future judgements. It hasn't provided me with any consistent "shared experience" that I can use to understand others.
I couldn't understand myself by their standards and they didn't understand me. And we couldn't help each other, even when we were in love and wanted to and really tried. We never knew why.

Not one of us knew that every day, in the very same places and at exactly the same moments we were each experiencing life completely differently.

I did what I learned was right yet never reached goals. I didn't understand the world or like it. The future offered nothing.

Life wasn't just unfulfilling, it was pointless.

I lost my way. Everyone lost patience. Their regard and respect went down. So did my self esteem and confidence. We all lost our trust.

They lost a child, a student, a worker, a friend, a mate. I lost love, achievement, happiness, peace, and time.

42 years.

Bottom Line:

Lifelong ADHD has been like living INTENSELY and ONLY in the present moment, without a meaningful past and without any belief in a future.

This is where I start.

There are more chapters (and I'm still working) but this had to be written first. It's where my story begins.

Somehow I didn't lose my life or my potential; and now, with the diagnosis, the truth, and the medication I haven't lost my chance. I'm lucky and I'm grateful.

If I'm also helpful, don't wait... Please don't! Just ask. I'll give you my map, show you why I chose the way I have, and I'll tell you what I've seen.

Laugh with your friends
---Laugh with every one who thinks they are your enemy
------Laugh WITH your self

Remember, they say " If you wanna make God laugh, then all you gotta do is tell him your plans "
Reply With Quote
Old 07-12-06, 04:07 AM
AlliedWithYou AlliedWithYou is offline

Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Lehigh Valley PA
Posts: 1
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
AlliedWithYou is on a distinguished road
I found it! My kind climber. You are a revelation to me, as always, as complex as the fragile leaf I received in a beautiful envelope today.
Thank you for writing this and leading me here.
Following joy.... your ally (partner in crime???) C
Reply With Quote
Old 07-12-06, 04:25 AM
~boots~'s Avatar
~boots~ ~boots~ is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate

Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: ~ SausageVille ~
Posts: 10,730
Thanks: 3,033
Thanked 1,450 Times in 1,165 Posts
~boots~ is a splendid one to behold~boots~ is a splendid one to behold~boots~ is a splendid one to behold~boots~ is a splendid one to behold~boots~ is a splendid one to behold~boots~ is a splendid one to behold~boots~ is a splendid one to behold
Climbing Soul, your story was ...I don't know how to explain it...It was so good to read (I even made it half way through in the first attempt, it had me so enthralled)

I would love to hear more from you, and your story, and how things are going now.
You mananged to say how a lot of us feel...thank you so much for that..

Your map?? can you elaborate?
"Tell me and I will forget
Show me and I may remember
Involve me and I will understand"

Reply With Quote
Old 07-12-06, 07:37 AM
ADDvanced Member

Join Date: May 2006
Location: WEST COAST
Posts: 127
Thanks: 0
Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
ADDELINE is on a distinguished road

Dear Climbingsoul...

You are intelligent and gifted beyond words, but you already are aware of that.

To make you feel not so alone, please know that there are people in their 50's and 60's here in the Forum that have been diagnosed very recently, or in the last couple of years. We feel your pain and share alot of your feelings of failure, self disgust, ect. In more ways than not we are pretty much just like you...except not too many of us have an IQ of 128.

Where we have been is a given. The question is: Where are we going? Where are you going?

Climbing...I think you might like to 'take people in' with your prose just a bit too much. It's so tempting to give you Trust & Praise too soon, before it's earned. But that is the wrong medicine for you. You said yourself that you are the last to know when you are not achieving, or failing in a job...and that your Bosses see that you are not doing the work long before it hits you that they know. You see, anything artificial, unearned, untrue, prevents us from living an authentic life. The Medicine You need is not the 'benefit of the doubt'. You need the unvarnished truth from other's to overcome your Demons.

The Bottom Line is:

"When you know better; you do better".

Action is the only avenue of communication left open between you and your wife and Children. However, don't just try to 'do better' for thier sake. You have to want to give-up the negative behavior for your sake first.

So Climbing...Continue to meet with your MD's and do everything possible medically to enable you to show yourself and other's that you care enough to do better. Then the rest is up tp you. You certainly deserve better than the deviant and dangerous activities that you are now addicted to.
And you 'know better'.

Please leave that 'sickness' behind you before you become physically ill in addition to the emotional trauma you already suffer because of it.

My Best Wishes To You During Your Journey.
If anyone can overcome adversity, it's you!

Sincerely; Addeline

Last edited by ADDELINE; 07-12-06 at 07:55 AM..
Reply With Quote
Old 07-12-06, 09:07 AM
SnappyCloud's Avatar
SnappyCloud SnappyCloud is offline

Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miami Beach, Fl (South América)
Posts: 432
Thanks: 1
Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts
SnappyCloud has disabled reputation

You are an inspiration to all of us. Please contribute even more to this site.
I can relate to your story, although I did not have the same losses. I was able to finish grad school and fool everyone, possibly due to a slightly higher than normal IQ, which overcompensated for ADHD. One of my losses is that I could have done so much more if I had been diagnosed earlier. I am medicated now and have gone for post-grad work, without asking for any accomodations from disability services. I still struggle with inconsistency and unpredictability of resulrs on a daily basis - have great days and bad days.

I think you are beginning to look at the glass as half full!

You remind me of the Phoenix.
Reply With Quote
Old 07-12-06, 09:56 AM
Crazy~Feet's Avatar
Crazy~Feet Crazy~Feet is offline

Join Date: May 2006
Location: Sunagakure
Posts: 20,958
Thanks: 0
Thanked 224 Times in 85 Posts
Crazy~Feet is a jewel in the roughCrazy~Feet is a jewel in the roughCrazy~Feet is a jewel in the rough
Welcome Climbing I was diagnosed severe inattentive at age 40 and now stay in SC, but I grew up in Lehigh County PA. My mom's side of the family went to BeCa and my granny and aunt and uncle still live in Bethlehem.

Just letting ya know there were times I was close in proximity to you and I was different yet the same. You were never alone in the undiagnosed ADD aspect.

Glad ya found us here at ADDF. I do a lot of posting, I like to gab so read on and keep us posted.

Reply With Quote
Old 07-12-06, 10:27 AM
dormammau2008's Avatar
dormammau2008 dormammau2008 is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate

Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: near birmingham in the uk
Posts: 1,859
Thanks: 58
Thanked 170 Times in 123 Posts
dormammau2008 has disabled reputation
hello soul an a very warmwellcome to the add adhd forums hope you find what your looking for an new freinds as well you be made very wellcome as are all dorm
power flows to the one who knows how if. I alone is not enough
Reply With Quote
Old 07-17-06, 04:26 AM
ClimbingSoul's Avatar
ClimbingSoul ClimbingSoul is offline
Jr Member

Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Emmaus, PA 18049 (USA)
Posts: 10
Thanks: 0
Thanked 5 Times in 1 Post
ClimbingSoul is on a distinguished road
Arrow Geez! and WoW...

All of your replies have me overwhelmed. I never really considered that there would BE replies.

I dunno what to say (can you believe it?)

Thank you Andrew for listening and hearing what my heart was saying that I couldn't hear myself. I do want to succeed. Do you know you've found your way? Only an optimist would reach back.

And Andi, I am catching up to my answers faster since I started letting go of my own guilt. While you were right, it does take time to find peace and forgiveness, I can hunt long with a friend who understands. Thank you too.

Thank you for reading this and being my ally, C. Sometimes when you feel fragile, you want to be followed, even though you're not leading at all. Thanks just for being with me.

I never imagined that I was anything but alone. But Tracy, Crazy and Dorm, I'm getting that I was wrong about that. Thank you for just letting me know. I'm grateful and I will stay in touch.

I have usually seen the glass as half full - but now I'm starting to BELIEVE it. I want to tread clouds like you are, Snappy. Your story stokes the tiny flicker of confidence inside me, but when you said you see the Phoenix in me...

I can't tell you yet. I can't.

I will find the words. They're not in my reach yet.

I'm going to sleep now. You have all given my heart rest. Thank you for the comfort.

Laugh with your friends
---Laugh with every one who thinks they are your enemy
------Laugh WITH your self

Remember, they say " If you wanna make God laugh, then all you gotta do is tell him your plans "

Last edited by ClimbingSoul; 07-17-06 at 04:31 AM.. Reason: typo
Reply With Quote


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Mild Autism in Adults speedo Aspergers/Autism Spectrum/PDD 27 05-30-08 06:26 PM
Climbing_Soul - Lehigh Valley, PA USA (intro) ClimbingSoul Pennsylvania 0 09-30-05 02:08 AM
Jane Pauley reveals struggle with bipolar disorder - USA Andrew ADD News 0 08-21-04 02:29 PM

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:50 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums