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General Parenting Issues The purpose of this forum is to discuss general parenting issues related to children with AD/HD(ADD & ADHD)

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  #1  
Old 03-13-08, 10:17 AM
Addafrica Addafrica is offline
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When to let go?

I have a 13year old son and I feel as though I am forever having to push prod and help him. It is as though he does not take any responsibility for things like homework and schoolwork. When do I let go and let him just suffer severe consequences? How do you know if you are expecting to much and if you are making a big scene about something unnecessarily
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Old 03-13-08, 10:27 AM
Jarleigannor Jarleigannor is offline
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Re: When to let go?

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Originally Posted by Addafrica View Post
I have a 13year old son and I feel as though I am forever having to push prod and help him. It is as though he does not take any responsibility for things like homework and schoolwork. When do I let go and let him just suffer severe consequences? How do you know if you are expecting to much and if you are making a big scene about something unnecessarily
I think it depends on a lot of variables. Does your son have adhd and, if so, does he take medication? Aside from poking and prodding, have you worked on setting up systems, checklists, etc. to provide him with his own reminders? Have you used incentives/consequences at home, or just left them in the school? Has there been any look into *why he isn't doing his work? It could be an organizational problem. The work could be perceived as too hard or actually be too hard. He could be having trouble understanding the directions, or figuring out where to start, or getting distracted by other stimuli... Each different reason could need a different approach.

We set up systems for my 4th grader to follow and walk him through them until he seems to have it down pat, then let him work things out for himself. If he starts regularly choosing to take the consequences (his school is a #%^@ about this stuff), we go back to square one and try to adapt it a bit.

The goal is to get them to take responsibility for themselves, but it's the parents' job to teach them how.
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Old 03-13-08, 10:30 AM
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Re: When to let go?

Addafrica, are 504 plans available in Africa? If so, does he have one? When my oldest was still in school we had an IEP (individual educatoin plan) mapped out for her each year. 504 works generally the same way.

Our twins also LD... were set up with IEP's. All 3 graduated with the altered schedules.

We called a meeting with her teachers, principal and a counselor. Worked out a plan, if it was what we needed and then I would sign it. They wrote in provisions for the twins eyesight stating they didn't have to participate in anything like Gymnastics because of being unable to see the ball coming at them, etc.

Also have you had him evaluated? Full physical with bloodwork, eye exams, even a hearing test?
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Old 03-13-08, 10:36 AM
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Re: When to let go?

He has ADD he is on Ritalin as well. He is in a private school and the system they have is this:
If he does not do his homework/ bring a book to school/ or homework is incomplete he gets a red entry after three red entries he get detention for 3hours after school.

The system we have in place for him is that he has a file that he writes his homework down it which has a form in that I designed so that all his subjects is already listed he simply has to write down what he needs to do. But he does not write down all his homework. His school started on 16 January and we are on ten red entries.

He has a clean table that he can sit at and do homework with everything he needs to do his homework with. I make sure that there is no distractions and that he does it at a set time. But unless he writes down all his homework I can not help him. When I talk to him about it he says he is really trying but he forgets. HOW DO I HELP HIM? Or am I helping to much?
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Old 03-13-08, 10:39 AM
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Re: When to let go?

Mary
Yes he has had a full evaluation been to everyone from a neurologist to a pulmonoligst !
What is 504 plans? where can I read up on it? After our argument this afternoon my son said he is never going back to school - this time I actually believe him.
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Old 03-13-08, 10:47 AM
Jarleigannor Jarleigannor is offline
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Re: When to let go?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Addafrica View Post
He has ADD he is on Ritalin as well. He is in a private school and the system they have is this:
If he does not do his homework/ bring a book to school/ or homework is incomplete he gets a red entry after three red entries he get detention for 3hours after school.

The system we have in place for him is that he has a file that he writes his homework down it which has a form in that I designed so that all his subjects is already listed he simply has to write down what he needs to do. But he does not write down all his homework. His school started on 16 January and we are on ten red entries.

He has a clean table that he can sit at and do homework with everything he needs to do his homework with. I make sure that there is no distractions and that he does it at a set time. But unless he writes down all his homework I can not help him. When I talk to him about it he says he is really trying but he forgets. HOW DO I HELP HIM? Or am I helping to much?
I've got to tell you, the not-writing-homework-down deal has become our latest issue, too!
I've realized that I'm going to have to speak with the school about having them make sure he has the time to write it all down. He switches classrooms for regular subjects as well as having pull-outs, and he says he doesn't always have a chance to write in his planner after each class. We followed our routine last night, only to have him suddenly remember at 7am that he had spelling homework due today. He was able to get it done before school, but it made the morning miserable for everyone!

I don't think it's asking too much to have the teachers take 15 seconds to remind *everyone to write down their homework for the night, and it's certainly not too much to ask for a kid who is really trying to comply.
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Old 03-13-08, 10:54 AM
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Re: When to let go?

I think sometimes it's better to support when in doubt. There is evidence the ADHD kids develop a bit more slowly emotionally, so they may be emotionally 11yo in some areas when they are 13, and there are some important developmental makers around that age (I was reading a research paper on this a few weeks ago).

In short, it's possibly counter-productive to get too far ahead of the curve in terms of the "sink or swim" thing. Have faith things will eventually catch up, and be prepared to stop the gaps in the meantime.
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Old 03-13-08, 10:55 AM
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Re: When to let go?

That might be part of it. Have you tried using a timer for him to get a certain amount of school work done? Is the table near a window? Watching birds and other things going on will most definitely distract. Or does he sit at the front of the class, near the board? Or to the rear? If he's at the rear, maybe closer to the board would work better. That way he's not watching what others are doing. Some parents and teachers here have found that a cublicle desk helps them from being so distracted. They've also used music as a buffer, so the child isn't hearing outdoor distractions along with people walking down the hall. It's been found to help them focus better.

Does he get praise for any of his good marks? Or able to earn anything, like a trip out?
Sometimes kids get overwhelmed at being prodded constantly to get things done. I've been reading this forum a lot this week.

1) ask the teacher if she/ he can email you a list of his assigments
2) have him run around the house (outside) say a half hour before sitting down to do schoolwork. It helps release energy of having to sit still during school.
3) An energy snack after school will also bring his concentration abilities to a higher level.
4) no tv or games of any kind until the schoolwork is done. Stick to your guns! (a phrase which also means stick to your convictions)
5)Set the timer and tell him you'll check on him after that certain amount of time. Say 10 minutes.
6) Don't hover.... my kids hated it. I'm thinking a boy would hate it even more.
7) Praise him for each assignment he gets done, kids like to hear a job well done, as much as any adult.

Just a few suggestions. Don't give up on him and most of all...tell him you love him. If you're frustrated don't show him. Take a short walk. Count to a thousand if you have to, lol
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Old 03-13-08, 11:02 AM
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Re: When to let go?

See this sectioin: http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=45

and for info about 504, see this section: http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=16461
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Old 03-13-08, 11:07 AM
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Re: When to let go?

Dr. Mel Levine calls this problem (part of ADD and LDs) -- "materials management".

It can be part of the problems we have with foresight and planning and anticipation. (e.g. don't put away the hammer or screwdriver as you may need it again while building that shelf.)

It is a neurological (frontal lobe) brain deficit.

I cannot see how "detention" will help.

See, Punishment tends to just make it worse, as it increases frustration. (e.g. for kids/teens/adults who have this problem AND are, say, prone to BIG violence -- prisons are FULL of these people. Just another reason the death penalty is such a joke. They can't plan/foresee 'consequences'...)

We already often have terrible issues with "low frustration tolerance". Up that, and the kid will learn via constant humiliation, to "hate school", which shuts down learning...


Encourage him to write one brief note or 'reminder' word to himself on his hand where he will SEE it. e.g. 'bring homework home'
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Old 03-13-08, 11:12 AM
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Can't remember his homework assignments? Ofcourse not! (Auditory Working Memory=ADD))

It sounds like your child gets home and cannot 'tell you' the homework he was given!

This is another problem that Teachers & Parents tend to not understand about ADD deficits! : ADDers tend to have a Auditory Working Memory problem. They often cannot remember what they HEAR re: homework assignments.


1. Another thing the TEACHER needs to do is write the Class's homework on the Blackboard, so he can REFER back to it....

2. Ask the Teacher to write the READINGS and HOMEWORK on the UPPER RIGHT HAND corner of the blackboard.

3. Then your Son writes this into his notebook (same place each day). [Possibly with Teacher Prompting.]

4. Then his Homework and Reading Tasks are CLEAR.
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Old 03-13-08, 03:33 PM
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Re: When to let go?

QueensU_Girl
I am honest to god really trying to help him but living on the *** end of the world and feeling lonely and like a crap parent is not helping right now either.
He is in Grade 8 and I asked the teacher if they can please write the homework on the board I was told NO he is now in college and needs to get with the program. Going and screaming at the teacher is not going to help me or him. He is in a good school which is costing me an absolute fortune I don't think changing school now will be in his interest - but I am not sure. I have offered to start a online forum ( I am a computer programmer) for the school where the homework will get posted daily I even offered to get the homework MYSELF from the teachers and posting it for all grades (8 - 12). I have not heard from them yet.
I feel so lost at the moment I have child who feels as though he useless and I feel helpless.
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Old 03-13-08, 03:42 PM
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Re: When to let go?

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Originally Posted by Addafrica View Post
QueensU_Girl
I am honest to god really trying to help him but living on the *** end of the world and feeling lonely and like a crap parent is not helping right now either.
He is in Grade 8 and I asked the teacher if they can please write the homework on the board I was told NO he is now in college and needs to get with the program. Going and screaming at the teacher is not going to help me or him. He is in a good school which is costing me an absolute fortune I don't think changing school now will be in his interest - but I am not sure. I have offered to start a online forum ( I am a computer programmer) for the school where the homework will get posted daily I even offered to get the homework MYSELF from the teachers and posting it for all grades (8 - 12). I have not heard from them yet.
I feel so lost at the moment I have child who feels as though he useless and I feel helpless.

Where do his teachers feel he's in college at 8th grade level? That's crazy on their parts. Yes, he's preparing for college, but not yet college. Unless they're giving him college level courses.

He is not useless and neither are you. Else you wouldn't be trying to find solutions.
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Old 03-13-08, 03:47 PM
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Re: When to let go?

They just call it college it is elementary - prep school and then college. I need some sleep and in the morning I will read through all the links and make notes and sit with him on Saturday and re-asses everything. It is really nice just to be able to talk about it! Thanks
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Old 03-13-08, 04:52 PM
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Re: When to let go?

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They just call it college it is elementary - prep school and then college. I need some sleep and in the morning I will read through all the links and make notes and sit with him on Saturday and re-asses everything. It is really nice just to be able to talk about it! Thanks
You are most welcome... sweet dreams. Hopefully tomorrow will look brighter.
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