ADHD and loss of interest in spouse

[akko]

Hi fundit,

I'm so sorry- this must be so hard for you. I don't know if a lot of ADHD sufferers come back after losing interest in someone, but I DO know that a lot of us say harsh things that we don't really mean. There have been times that i've said things I was sure were true only to realize later I was just angry and not really thinking straight. So it's possible she's doing that right now.

Don't give up! Try to keep talking to her. And if she'll agree to it, go see a professional together.

All the best,

akko

[DANNYD]

Hi Fundit,

I feel compelled to reply to your original post. This hit close to home. 6 weeks ago, I too said to my husband of 12 years that my love for him is not what I felt it should be. I know, after so many years the passion will be different, I mean after kids, stresses (money) things change. Yes, we do have communication issues and I am just tired of trying to make it work. After a particularily tough week, I put my feelings out on the table.

I did say I wanted to do marriage counselling as I was not willing to just walk away, but he has refused and feels we can figure this out on our own. I disagree.

I am at the point where I don't even want to be around him, don't want to be next to him in the same bed. Your wife and her comments knocked me over. I know the situations are very different but I would like to do what she has done. I just don't have the guts to do it.

So, instead of my own happiness I will stick with my marriage for the kids, my husband and everyone else around me. That is an entire different issue all together

So my point? I have ADHD, I am on medication and am doing very well in that regard and still I have these feelings. I know you are hurting and are grasping at straws to figure out what has caused this, but I think you should not look at "ADHD" as being the reason for her decision.

I wish you all the best and I do hope you can work it out when she is ready to talk.

[FrazzleDazzle]

There are obviously many issues revolving around here with your wife, fundit, and only her own time, self introspection, self revelations, perhaps gentle nudgings from others in her life, will bring her to the surface, should they ever.

There is one bit of knowledge someone had passed on to me regarding a very painful long-time friendship-turned-serious I had with an undiagnosed ADHDer in my past, when he just left my life. Poof. It was shared with me that it is not unusual for ADHD to feel what they feel at a moment in time. They mean it, they feel it, they believe in it passionately, at that moment in time, but as time comes to pass, that feeling, belief, and passion changes, turns around, gets inspired by something else, gets scared, faces the impossible, becomes less interesting or intriguing, etc. Even if they and you believe it all to be true, it is, at that moment in time, but, and, only in that moment in time.

At a former or later moment in time, life can all be so completely different from what was true and real at any given moment. I felt that what was shared with me to be the case, knowing my friend/partner pretty well, I just couldn't see this characteristic of him at that moment in time. Does that make sense? So, perhaps your wife fits this, I don't know. You mentioned instability; it could be. Perhaps she really did love you for a while, and you truly did experience that genuine love from her. This instability and seemingly quick-changing of one's mind can be peculiar for some ADHD, certainly not all though, and they can rationalize these changes by changing their realities or their beliefs to become more comfortable.

It is important to note also, that it is not uncommon for ADHD to believe and relay less than the truth as one of many possible coping techniques to justify and/or rationalize their uncomfortable behaviors.

Of course, not all ADHD do this, but to reiterate, it is not uncommon.

I don't have any other great advise for you, but if she seems set in her decision, saving the relationship, unfortunately, is not something you can do on your own. You obviously love her and care for her deeply, and I am deeply heartfelt for your situation.

[fundit]

akko, DannyD, and FrazzleDazzle, thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I appreciate it a lot.

akko, thanks for the hopeful note. I don't think there is any way forward between my wife and me that doesn't involve professional help. I wish she will do it.

DannyD, I'm sorry you are in such a frustrating stalemate with your husband. I hope he changes his mind about counseling. You may have ADHD, but it sounds like he has some issues of his own. Maybe he is afraid a therapist will make him look in the proverbial mirror. As for me, I'm sure ADHD doesn't cover all the angles on my problem with my wife. I hope she can talk to me about it soon. I'm not perfect, but she knows I tried my best with her. I could have done better if I'd known about her ADHD.

FrazzleDazzle, my gut tells me you are describing what is happening now. Thanks for sharing your experience. She works out of town during the week, and I think even a non-ADHDer would feel the separation weaken their attachment to a spouse. I doubt she is emotionally capable now of tackling her issues in a serious way and recommitting to the marriage at the same time. I'm preparing mentally for this to be the end. It's a bad time.

[Driver]

Originally Posted by DANNYD

So, instead of my own happiness I will stick with my marriage for the kids, my husband and everyone else around me.

You're actually not doing the good you think you're doing. Your kids are perceptive and impressionable. They will use their parent's marriage as a model for their future marriages. They will pick up on the fact that mummy and daddy don't love each other, and don't act like other mummies and daddies. This will have long lasting psychological effects.

Do you wish your kids to be happy, or to grow into relationships of convenience?

[Crazygirl79]

Sorry Danny but I agree with Driver on this...just as you have to think of your childrens happiness you also have to think of your own and your husband's, is it really fair for you to stay in a supposedly unhappy marriage just for the sake of the kids?? not only that you also have to think of your husband, he may not want to stay with someone if there's no love there..why would he?

As Driver said kids are impressionable and they are certainly not silly when it comes to this sort of stuff and they will know that something is missing within the family and I also ask do you really want your kids to grow up, get married and just stay in an unhappy marriage for the hell of it?? or do you want your children to grow up and get married and remain happily married??

In my personal view I think it's really selfish for someone to stay in a marriage for the sake of the children especially if the marriage has run its course and is dead and buried with no chance of coming back to life, not many children want to grow up with the inside knowledge that Mum and Dad stayed unhappily married just for their sake, if something's truly over why not just part company, move on and find happiness elsewhere??

Think about it!

Selena

Originally Posted by Driver

You're actually not doing the good you think you're doing. Your kids are perceptive and impressionable. They will use their parent's marriage as a model for their future marriages. They will pick up on the fact that mummy and daddy don't love each other, and don't act like other mummies and daddies. This will have long lasting psychological effects.

Do you wish your kids to be happy, or to grow into relationships of convenience?

[fundit]

I talked to my wife today. She is definitely checked out of the relationship, and since she has established residence elsewhere, it's pretty much a hopeless situation. She bristled at any suggestion she has ADHD. She says she just didn't know herself well enough when she started dating me at 21 and always had misgivings about us. Why she went through almost 2 1/2 years of engagement and marriage without addressing any concerns in a serious way, acting delighted to be with me the whole time, I will never understand. It's time to lean on friends and get going the best I can.

Thanks for all the support from this forum.

[FrazzleDazzle]

I'm so sorry fundit, for your situation and your hurt. I've been thinking how things are going for you.....Hugs your way.

[fundit]

Thank you so much. This is the worst emotional pain I've ever felt, but the silver lining has been all the support and sympathy I've received. It means a lot.

[ADHDTigger]

Fundit, I hope you know that we are still here and still willing to listen. Heaven knows that I can't predict the future- I can't even predict what I am going to do next- but she may yet find some semblance of sense.

Question for you now is, "Can any of us help?"

I can't begin to understand your pain. I am willing to do all I can.

(((hugs)))

[fundit]

Thank you, Tigger. It looks like we're going to go through a six month separation before a divorce is finalized so she will have the opportunity to change her mind. I don't think it will happen, though. She'll only be in town one more time to gather her belongings. That hardly gives us the opportunity to work things out. She wouldn't give me her phone number, either. It's just so crazy.

Thanks for your support. I'll limp through this with the help of others. Thanks.

[wifeof]

Originally Posted by fundit

I talked to my wife today. She is definitely checked out of the relationship, and since she has established residence elsewhere, it's pretty much a hopeless situation.

My sympathies. May you come out of this in a better place -- eventually.