How do I know what to do???

[unsure-confused]

I met a man 2 years ago, we have not spent a lot of time together but I have gotten to know him pretty well. He has always made plans and not followed through, he has told me he wants a relationship with me but he was afraid I would leave him just like everyone else in his life and he didn't know how to have a relationship. I am trying not to bore you with details so if there are any questions that will help you help me just ask.
He is a retired policeman who was almost killed on the job and became addicted to pain meds several years ago, I thought this was the problem with his inability to do actually follow through on what his says. Last month he went into rehab and asked me to watch his dog while he was gone, a friend of his was suppose to clean up his apartment, but didn't do much. I cleaned his apartment and put all his papers into a big bin. I know several people that know him, some that worked with him and some that live in his neighborhood. I am not sure how I came to this but everything I have read about ADD/ADHD sounds like him. He is so alone, his has no family, no siblings and his parents are dead, his childhood was not easy, he said he had a hard time focusing in school and he was always getting in trouble for something, his mom was always beating him up and had no patience for him. His ex wife has moved on and he has an eight year old daughter who is confused by how he never shows up when he says he will but he adores her and loves her more than life itself.
He never told me he had a drug problem, he said he was finishing up his military reserves. He wanted to pay me $300 for watching the dog and take me for dinner. Before he left he was holding on to me for dear life, like he was never going to let go, when he got home I brought his dog to him and he was thrilled with how his dog looked (I had him bathed and he lost a bit of excess weight) and how great his apartment was. It was an am see how much he and his dog loved each other, they are really bonded. When he got home I had to call him to see when he wanted me to bring home the dog, he said right now, he missed him :-). He promised we would go out the following saturday and he would call me later. He's been home 2 1/2 weeks and has not called me, I called him and no answer and no return calls. I left a message blasting him, which I know was a mistake so I called back and apologized. I still had a lot of his stuff so I stopped by his house last saturday, he looked like he might have been taking pain meds again and had a hard time looking me in the eyes. I asked him if he listened to my message and I said I just got frustrated and disappointed and he said everyone has there moments. He said he would like to take me out the following Saturday and to call him during the week and to "hold him to it". I said how do I do that if you never answer the phone, he just kind of looked at me and said if he's home he'll answer. So now it's Saturday and nothing, I know he has a hard time staying focused and jumps from one thing to the next, in the past he would not follow through and then a few weeks later contact me as if he spoke with me the day before and then not follow through again. I really care about this man, and don't want to give up on him, from what I understand he treats everyone the way he is treating me. I can not imagine that he is an inconsiderate jerk, he seems so afraid of me finding out that he has any problems, his so called friend told him I knew he had a drug problem and he is humiliated that I know anything. The drug rehab is in contact with me to follow up on him, he can still go back there at no charge as part of his treatment. When we have been together and talked he is very open about his life and I think if he knew that there might be something physiologically wrong with him and he is not the "problem child" his co workers said he was, he would be relieved and seek the proper help. I am so afraid for him and I want him to know he is not alone and I am right there with him if he would just let me in. His tenant told me he spends most of his time in his house alone and rarely goes anywhere other than walking the dog.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do??

[unsure-confused]

Originally Posted by unsure-confused

i met a man 2 years ago, we have not spent a lot of time together but i have gotten to know him pretty well. He has always made plans and not followed through, he has told me he wants a relationship with me but he was afraid i would leave him just like everyone else in his life and he didn't know how to have a relationship. I am trying not to bore you with details so if there are any questions that will help you help me just ask.
He is a retired policeman who was almost killed on the job and became addicted to pain meds several years ago, i thought this was the problem with his inability to do actually follow through on what his says. Last month he went into rehab and asked me to watch his dog while he was gone, a friend of his was suppose to clean up his apartment, but didn't do much. I cleaned his apartment and put all his papers into a big bin. I know several people that know him, some that worked with him and some that live in his neighborhood. I am not sure how i came to this but everything i have read about add/adhd sounds like him. He is so alone, his has no family, no siblings and his parents are dead, his childhood was not easy, he said he had a hard time focusing in school and he was always getting in trouble for something, his mom was always beating him up and had no patience for him. His ex wife has moved on and he has an eight year old daughter who is confused by how he never shows up when he says he will but he adores her and loves her more than life itself.
He never told me he had a drug problem, he said he was finishing up his military reserves. He wanted to pay me $300 for watching the dog and take me for dinner. Before he left he was holding on to me for dear life, like he was never going to let go, when he got home i brought his dog to him and he was thrilled with how his dog looked (i had him bathed and he lost a bit of excess weight) and how great his apartment was. It was an am see how much he and his dog loved each other, they are really bonded. When he got home i had to call him to see when he wanted me to bring home the dog, he said right now, he missed him :-). He promised we would go out the following saturday and he would call me later. He's been home 2 1/2 weeks and has not called me, i called him and no answer and no return calls. I left a message blasting him, which i know was a mistake so i called back and apologized. I still had a lot of his stuff so i stopped by his house last saturday, he looked like he might have been taking pain meds again and had a hard time looking me in the eyes. I asked him if he listened to my message and i said i just got frustrated and disappointed and he said everyone has there moments. He said he would like to take me out the following saturday and to call him during the week and to "hold him to it". I said how do i do that if you never answer the phone, he just kind of looked at me and said if he's home he'll answer. So now it's saturday and nothing, i know he has a hard time staying focused and jumps from one thing to the next, in the past he would not follow through and then a few weeks later contact me as if he spoke with me the day before and then not follow through again. I really care about this man, and don't want to give up on him, from what i understand he treats everyone the way he is treating me. I can not imagine that he is an inconsiderate jerk, he seems so afraid of me finding out that he has any problems, his so called friend told him i knew he had a drug problem and he is humiliated that i know anything. The drug rehab is in contact with me to follow up on him, he can still go back there at no charge as part of his treatment. When we have been together and talked he is very open about his life and i think if he knew that there might be something physiologically wrong with him and he is not the "problem child" his co workers said he was, he would be relieved and seek the proper help. I am so afraid for him and i want him to know he is not alone and i am right there with him if he would just let me in. His tenant told me he spends most of his time in his house alone and rarely goes anywhere other than walking the dog.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what i should do??

sorry this was so long, i really tried to condense it

[ginniebean]

About the drug problem, and your suspicion is that he's gone back to using, ask him, point blank. Anger in that situation will not help so moderate your tone. There is nothing like humiliation to make you want to crawl in a hole, be up front about that too. He may not know what to do or how to reach out any more than you do.

With someone you suspect of ADHD directness to the point of painfully direct is the way to go. Subtlety is often missed even slight subtlety. When it's important point blank is the way to go. And ask it in person he may not answer in a phone call because he can't see your response and it's easy to hang up.

Take care of you too. Do what your conscience dictates needs to be done for him but not at the expense of reasonableness. You matter too.

Hope that helps.

[ginniebean]

Oh, and about the ADHD mention it, and be armed with facts too. (a book would be good as well or just print up some info off the net.

[unsure-confused]

Originally Posted by ginniebean

Oh, and about the ADHD mention it, and be armed with facts too. (a book would be good as well or just print up some info off the net.

Thanks Ginnie,
Yes this helps. I have been printing info and I have no problem being direct, I just have a hard time getting in touch with him and I don't know how hard to push. We really have so much in common and other than avoiding me his "different" behavior doesn't get to me at all. I do take care of me :-) thank you for that. There are a lot of people that say he's just not interested in me and he's a drug addict so walk away, but in my gut I just don't buy it. My support system consists of 2 friends, my therapist and my priest who's deals with the police dept and fire dept. They all tell me not to give up on him.

[ADHDTigger]

Get a copy of "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy" by Kate Kelly and Peggy Raimundo. They both have ADHD. You read it and then read it to him if you think he won't pick it up.

He is probably pretty darned embarrassed about the treatment thing. He is also pretty likely depressed. I know quite a few former police officers who have been injured seriously in the line of duty who end up addicted to the pain meds. The scenario is so common it is painful. This is a place where you really NEED to be direct. Literally in his face if need be. Tell him that you know and then tell him how you FEEL about that situation. My sense from what you have written here is that you are sympathetic but are willing to be strong about it. That is a very good thing.

Be honest about what you have learned about ADHD and remind him frequently that he isn't at fault for the way he's made. Tell him about the rate of untreated ADHD and drug addiction (untreated ADHDers find ways to self medicate). Remind him that there is nothing wrong with needing "glasses" for his brain. I wear glasses so I can see, I use ADHD management so I can function.

Tell him that you would really like to table your supper out until he is feeling better. Recognize that if you see him, it will be because you got in his face. I suspect that, in addition to the ADHD, he is likely to be clinically depressed, possibly severely so. If you are up for the challenge, you will have to get in the driver's seat.

Encourage activities like going to the dog park together. If you don't have a dog park in your community, take the dog for walks. The activity will naturally calm his brain.

If he is a coffee drinker- I am betting he is- show up for this (or just about any other) conversation with a cup of coffee the way he likes it. Caffeine will help him to focus if he's an ADHDer.

You mentioned that your priest works with the police and fire departments. If you see any behavior that indicates that he may be thinking of injuring himself, TELL YOUR PRIEST IMMEDIATELY. I'm guessing that your priest functions as a chaplain to the police department. He will probably be a safe person to intervene in that case.

Push as hard as you need to while taking any expectations off the table. He is likely feeling guilty for not following through with his promises to you. Let him know OFTEN that you are there because you care about HIM.

This is not an easy one and I don't think it reasonable to sugar coat that. IF you decide that you are strong enough to take this on, recognize that healing will take time- possibly a lot of time. There will be little reward for your efforts and you need to accept that on the front end. If you think that you are up for the challenge, make sure that your priest and your therapist are aware that YOU will need their support.

ProTip- nothing will light up an ADHDer better or faster than praise. Telling him that he is doing good when he follows through, addresses tough issues, whatever, will be sunshine in his soul. You know him so you will know what the limits of that are and how to word it so that it is meaningful to him.

(((hugs)))

Finally, DO NOT BE ASHAMED TO WALK AWAY IF YOU MUST. Recognize that you are not his therapist, you are his friend. This isn't an easy job and there is no requirement that you take it on.

Let us know how we can support you.

[unsure-confused]

Originally Posted by ADHDTigger

Get a copy of "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy" by Kate Kelly and Peggy Raimundo. They both have ADHD. You read it and then read it to him if you think he won't pick it up.

He is probably pretty darned embarrassed about the treatment thing. He is also pretty likely depressed. I know quite a few former police officers who have been injured seriously in the line of duty who end up addicted to the pain meds. The scenario is so common it is painful. This is a place where you really NEED to be direct. Literally in his face if need be. Tell him that you know and then tell him how you FEEL about that situation. My sense from what you have written here is that you are sympathetic but are willing to be strong about it. That is a very good thing.

Be honest about what you have learned about ADHD and remind him frequently that he isn't at fault for the way he's made. Tell him about the rate of untreated ADHD and drug addiction (untreated ADHDers find ways to self medicate). Remind him that there is nothing wrong with needing "glasses" for his brain. I wear glasses so I can see, I use ADHD management so I can function.

Tell him that you would really like to table your supper out until he is feeling better. Recognize that if you see him, it will be because you got in his face. I suspect that, in addition to the ADHD, he is likely to be clinically depressed, possibly severely so. If you are up for the challenge, you will have to get in the driver's seat.

Encourage activities like going to the dog park together. If you don't have a dog park in your community, take the dog for walks. The activity will naturally calm his brain.

If he is a coffee drinker- I am betting he is- show up for this (or just about any other) conversation with a cup of coffee the way he likes it. Caffeine will help him to focus if he's an ADHDer.

You mentioned that your priest works with the police and fire departments. If you see any behavior that indicates that he may be thinking of injuring himself, TELL YOUR PRIEST IMMEDIATELY. I'm guessing that your priest functions as a chaplain to the police department. He will probably be a safe person to intervene in that case.

Push as hard as you need to while taking any expectations off the table. He is likely feeling guilty for not following through with his promises to you. Let him know OFTEN that you are there because you care about HIM.

This is not an easy one and I don't think it reasonable to sugar coat that. IF you decide that you are strong enough to take this on, recognize that healing will take time- possibly a lot of time. There will be little reward for your efforts and you need to accept that on the front end. If you think that you are up for the challenge, make sure that your priest and your therapist are aware that YOU will need their support.

ProTip- nothing will light up an ADHDer better or faster than praise. Telling him that he is doing good when he follows through, addresses tough issues, whatever, will be sunshine in his soul. You know him so you will know what the limits of that are and how to word it so that it is meaningful to him.

(((hugs)))

Finally, DO NOT BE ASHAMED TO WALK AWAY IF YOU MUST. Recognize that you are not his therapist, you are his friend. This isn't an easy job and there is no requirement that you take it on.

Let us know how we can support you.

I have read this several times since this afternoon, the first time I burst into tears and couldn't stop, I have been weepy ever since. This is the first time in 2 years that someone actually got it, I mean right on target of how I am feeling and what the situation is. I cannot thank you enough. I am strong and I know I can handle this, the hardest part for me is my bruised ego when I think he may be wanting to date other woman and not me. My rational side usually takes over and I get through it pretty fast.The other hard part is friends or so called friends telling me I deserve better and he's not worth it. He IS worth it, if I am right about him, he has so many amazing qualities. I suffer from clinical depression and went without medication until I was in my early 30's so when you said the part about glasses to see that's exactly how I described taking Prozac the for the first time, I never knew it was possible to sleep straight through the night. I suspect it saved my life. Mine was reactive and not hereditary from Traumas in my childhood and teens, I am in my early 50's and haven't needed Prozac for over 10 years and I am doing great, I would go back on in a second if I though I needed it. So I do understand what this man must be feeling on some level.
When you say "light up" from praise, I know that look, he gets so excited in a quiet way, almost child like, when I give him praise :-). I am going to get the book you suggested and some others this week and really gathering information. As far as the his depression goes, I know he's okay right now but can slip back into a depressed state.
I am very strong and I know how hard this is going to be and that it can take a very long time with lots of set backs but I cannot see myself walking away from him. I know that he may never be capable of a relationship with me but like I told him, if the relationship doesn't work out I will always be here for him, he's only 40 and deserves to have a life and be in his daughter's life so I guess I have a long road ahead of me too. I have no problem being direct and telling him what I think and how I feel, but I would have to do it in person so now I have to figure out to see him.
I pray that this forum will be the answer I was looking for, I am tired of people telling me he is just plain weird, he's not, he's unique in my eyes and very special. I just need someone to understand that just because I get hurt or frustrated doesn't mean he is doing it intentionally and doesn't care and it doesn't mean I am a fool for putting up with him.
(((hugs))) and I think with a lot of prayers, this forum, my therapist, priest and a couple of friends we will have a happy ending, whatever that may be.

[ADHDTigger]

Sweetie, I am the ultimate straight shooter. I don't kid people- especially in situations as potentially serious as this. I promise you that if you ask me something, you will get my honest and unfortunately, not always pleasant, read on it.

Right now, I will bet that the guy doesn't even think he deserves his dog for companionship. Whyinhell would he think that he deserves a loving and warm person in his life? The fact is that he doesn't see another person in the mix at all. That might not stop him from PRETENDING that there is someone- just so that he can set boundaries or even push you away. Think about it. If he doesn't deserve you, then you shouldn't be getting close, right?

Don't buy in to what people tell you about what YOU deserve. You sound like a strong and capable woman. YOU know what you deserve. If you start going crackers on us, believe me, we will happily tell you. One of the strengths of an ADHDer is that we will tell you the truth without the frosted flakes. You get to choose what populates your head. If people are telling you to run because (they think they know the right thing for you so tell you) you deserve better, remind yourself about the insidiousness of communication and that opinions are like @ssholes- we all have one. Doesn't mean it's the best.

I will keep you in my prayers. I may have more to say on that issue but will need to do so in PM and after I have had a bit of sleep.

Please make sure that you are sharing with your priest and therapist throughout this process. I know you are strong. I believe that about you. They are tools that you NEED to use to KEEP you strong while you help your friend.

(((hugs))) sweetie. We're here.

[slowlygoincrazy]

Originally Posted by unsure-confused

I met a man 2 years ago, we have not spent a lot of time together but I have gotten to know him pretty well. He has always made plans and not followed through, he has told me he wants a relationship with me but he was afraid I would leave him just like everyone else in his life and he didn't know how to have a relationship.

i would like to give an insight. however i always could be inaccurate. but as having adhd myself and being abused through out my childhood i have never fully learned how to be in relationships. i also know the fear that accompanies being in a relationship that they'll eventually leave. also, my mother is addicted to pain meds. it is and will always be hard to love someone who doesn't love them selves i can only say this while looking at my hubby and the hell I've put him through. but if its something you don't mind being apart of for what could be a life time of drug abuse self destruction and "reasons" then head over there and do what is needed. as for myself i see how even the most devoted, caring and strong couples have failed at this and would bring this to his attention as well. can you say for certain its add/adhd or the pain meds that cause most of these issues.

[unsure-confused]

Originally Posted by slowlygoincrazy

i would like to give an insight. however i always could be inaccurate. but as having adhd myself and being abused through out my childhood i have never fully learned how to be in relationships. i also know the fear that accompanies being in a relationship that they'll eventually leave. also, my mother is addicted to pain meds. it is and will always be hard to love someone who doesn't love them selves i can only say this while looking at my hubby and the hell I've put him through. but if its something you don't mind being apart of for what could be a life time of drug abuse self destruction and "reasons" then head over there and do what is needed. as for myself i see how even the most devoted, caring and strong couples have failed at this and would bring this to his attention as well. can you say for certain its add/adhd or the pain meds that cause most of these issues.

Thank you for your insight, part of the problem is that I am not sure what the problem is. I know for a fact that he is/was addicted to pain meds, the rest is just what it appears to be from his behavior, not only from my interactions with him but from his neighbors (some of whom I am friendly with and know over 20 years) a co worker who I also know over 20 years and a friend of his. Bottom line is, he is either a really horrible, inconsiderate person who is selfish, insensitive and a user or there is a serious problem that he has had his whole life and has had no help in trying to figure it out. I keep getting the feeling God put me in his life for a reason and everytime I have decided to just accept that he is just not interested and I am imagining our connection something happens to let me know that that's not the answer. I am definitely struggling with this but I also would rather look like a fool and be hurt for a while if he is a jerk than walk away and find out one day that I was right and he deserves someone to care about him and be there for him. I pretty sure I know the "what to do" just not sure of the HOW to get to that place. He is a hard person to tie down but I know the right answer will come to me, seems like I am being guided in a way ( I hope that doesn't sound too weird)

[ADHDTigger]

Not weird at all. I have been in that place before- never in a romantic sense but with friends and acquaintances.

I could scare the heck out of you with the stats on former police officers who end up eating the gun due to serious injury combined with attendant drug addiction. I'm not going to do that. Besides, you have probably already heard it.

What I will do is remind you that we are here for you.

Get him to go for a walk with you and the dog. The dog was with you for a long enough time that the puppy likely misses you. Make it a brisk walk. I bet that he will be markedly more cheerful at the end of it. After that, suggest a cup of coffee. Pray first. I will too.

[unsure-confused]

Originally Posted by ADHDTigger

Not weird at all. I have been in that place before- never in a romantic sense but with friends and acquaintances.

I could scare the heck out of you with the stats on former police officers who end up eating the gun due to serious injury combined with attendant drug addiction. I'm not going to do that. Besides, you have probably already heard it.

What I will do is remind you that we are here for you.

Get him to go for a walk with you and the dog. The dog was with you for a long enough time that the puppy likely misses you. Make it a brisk walk. I bet that he will be markedly more cheerful at the end of it. After that, suggest a cup of coffee. Pray first. I will too.

I come from a "cop" family so I know all the horror stories and the stresses that come with being a cop on every level. You couldn't scare the heck out of me, I have gone through every possible scenario and I pray every day that I won't get that "phone call". I can't "get him" to do anything, I miss the dog so much and I know he misses me, when he saw me last week we both were thrilled to see each other and my "friend" commented on how much his dog missed me. I have left a few messages saying I would like to take a walk around the park with him and his dog, no response. He insists that he doesn't answer the phone because he's not home, but I'm not buying it. I have a long week ahead of me work wise but I will PM you this week. I am so thankful that I found you and this forum, if I am wrong about him I'm sure I will find out and if not I will be on a long journey that can be good for both of us. ((((hugs)))).

[james1]

hi,

Ya its a one type of mind oscillation disperssion,its easy to cure it and many addicts are nothing no about the drug is a danger for a life,doing a more meditationand nature environment its easy to cure the addiction..

Thank you....

[unsure-confused]

Originally Posted by james1

hi,

Ya its a one type of mind oscillation disperssion,its easy to cure it and many addicts are nothing no about the drug is a danger for a life,doing a more meditationand nature environment its easy to cure the addiction..

Thank you....

Thanks for the link, he has pretty much disappeared, if he wants me by his side I will be there. I am taking care of some things for myself right now but I will also be back to learning as much as I can. I will continue to try to contact him and pray for the best.