Did my parents hate me?

[Yarrgh]

In my mid-teens I was severely depressed and ADHD was also suspected.

First I told my Mom I didn't want to live anymore, and was struggling not to kill myself. She listened intently (unusual for her) yet kind of shrugged it off as some sort of phase and suggested I should exercise more (I was and am athletic) and she'd be there if I wanted to talk.

However, instead of helping she and my father actively made things worse.
My grades started to slip and my procrastination became extremely bad, which I think frustrated them a lot. Instead of being supportive, I think they may have attributed the depression and ADHD to a character flaw, and subsequently screamed and grounded (effectively isolating me from my friends, the one thing that made me feel better) with a passion.

After cutting myself and realizing that I should probably seek some professional help at least before I resort to suicide, I asked my dad if I could schedule a doctors appointment.
Needless to say, that didn't go over so great. Determined, I made the appointment myself, behind their back.

The doctor was very concerned, and gave me a referral to an adolescent psychologist who specialized in depression, and asked if I felt like I could hold out until I met the psych. I thought I definitely could, now that I had some chance of feeling better.

Unfortunately, that same day my parents not only found out about the appointment, but that I'd failed my latest french exam as well. Essentially the two of them went berserk, and implemented tag teamed screaming sessions for the rest of the night, haha.
I completely snapped and attempted suicide.

Anyways, me and my parents have always had our differences, my father especially, who apparently emotionally and physically abused me,
although personally I really don't think it was as bad as it sounds, probably close to normal when I compare it to some of the things my old friend's dads did too.


I've never had the courage or desire to open an old wound with them, but I can't help wonder why they acted the way they did.
They're both educated people, and mental illnesses run strongly in our family.
It sounds melodramatic and totally ludicrous when I say it, but It almost seems like they wanted me to kill myself.

Considering the timing of it all, and that they full well knew the severity of the depression and that I was suicidal, coupled with their indifference to the entire situation, I can't help but feel this way.

And considering apathetic and hostile manner with which they dealt with it, and that they know me better than anyone else, I can't help but think how that reflects on me as a person.

If your parents don't like you, than who will?

I just can't come up with an explanation for how they treated me when I was younger other than that they really didn't care about me. I realize parents make mistakes, but theres a limit on the severity, nature, and frequency.


If anyone someone has an alternate explanation, or their own experience with something like this and how they dealt with it, I'd appreciate it.
I've been thinking about it way too much recently, and I honestly just don't have the time or desire to, yet it pops up at night and keeps me from sleeping.

[*KJ*]

Perception is reality.

There is an infinate number of possibilities here. Speaking as a parent, I'd say frustration and an overall feeling of inadequacy likely played into your parents reaction to all that was going on.

Your interpretaion of that was likely not accurate.

Also, they could have had their own (inaccurate) interpretations of the situation too.

Plus, their parenting skills may not be the best for the situation you describe.

All of that aside though, because what's in the past really doesn't matter a whole lot...if this is something that is bothering you (and hampering your relationship today), you need to deal with that! So, I think it's a good idea that you seek some professional help in doing that.

I am not a Dr so have NO idea how it would be managed, but I suppose there is a chance that having this discussed along with your parents particpation may be appropriate...but I'd venture the guess that it would not be recommended without the guidance of the professional, as it's a pretty serious topic that would need to stay on tract and remain sensative to all parties feelings.

[ADHDTigger]

Sweetie, keep firmly in mind that fear comes out as anger for a lot of people. I am not saying that it is right or wrong, simply that it IS.

I had to go through a period of time that I limited my interaction with my parents. Sometimes, that is the best solution as it gives you time to examine a bunch of different perspectives. For me, it allowed me to re-establish a more positive relationship with them on terms that I was comfortable with. It doesn't mean that I see them as horrible, abusive people, just that I needed to be at peace with some of the aspects of our relationship and determine how we could interact together without me walking away feeling bad about me. Since I was the one with the perspective, I was the one that needed to do that work.

I completely agree with KJ- if you were to decide to verbalize to your parents how you feel, it is best done with the guidance of a professional.

Hang in there, sweetie. You aren't a bad person for feeling as you do.

When the subject pops into your head and you want it to go away, actively set your thinking on something else. I use the Serenity Prayer or read out loud. Do that often enough and the thought will not pop up as often.

[ginniebean]

I'm so sympathetic to the torment you're going thru. Both KJ and Tigger have given you very good advice. I'm a parent and have made my share of mistakes. Those mistakes were me just blundering thru parenting not knowing what I was doing but hoping for the best. Parents are flawed human beings who have different temperaments and characters and bring to parenting all the pluses and minuses that go with who they are.


I too am suspecting interpretation as the problem here.

[Vickie]

Your parents may have come from a background and time that was ruled by "ignore it, because it is just attention seeking", and "mental illness issues have such a stigma attached that you never consider it". Also, if they also were dealing with undiagnosed ADHD (probable since it is highly inheritable), their parenting skills could have been really bad. Sometimes parents succumb to the criticisms of others (including their parents) telling them that any issues with the kids is because they do not discipline the children properly (potentially catastrophic advice to parents with ADHD kids).

You do not need to broach this with your parents, you can discuss this with a professional (as suggested above) and focus on your needs. Regardless, you need to accept yourself and your past with your parents, as this is important in the formation of the "you" that is here now. This includes the good parts of the current "you", just as the parts of your history that were not good still haunt you.

[NoReally]

I wonder if the yelling wasn't just out of some misguided, totally wrongheaded idea of snapping you out of it, like trying to provoke you to get more fighting spirit by fighting back or something. I am thinking of someone particular I know who might do something like that (not my parents).

Because people never let a complete ignorance of psychology and parenting from letting them develop strong ideas about how to raise kids.

[ginniebean]

Originally Posted by NoReally

people never let a complete ignorance of psychology and parenting from letting them develop strong ideas about how to raise kids.

I don't think this could ever be put better.

I'm saving it for a quote.

[ADDMagnet]

Some people have a hard time considering the possibility of their child having a mental illness (like depression or anxiety) or ADHD. They may be embarassed by the idea or feel that they are to blame if you have something wrong. It is easier for them to believe that it is your willful choice to get bad grades or act out, rather than consider it is something beyond their control. Denial can be present even in the most educated persons. We all have areas where we are in denial and can't see what others can see about us. Denial (Don't Even Know I'm Lying)

Parents are people first. They may be so overwhelmed by their own issues or problems that they don't notice what is going on with their own child. It is not that they don't care but they are not healthy enough to be able to look beyond themselves. Their focus may be more on how something affects them personally. I remember hearing someone say that people who are mean or cruel are that way because they don't like themselves. It helped me to see that many times people do what they do not because of you personally, but because of their own problems.

[Yarrgh]

Yeah I suppose I should say that I do love my parents a ton, and things are waaay better with our relationship then it used to be, mainly the reason why I'd rather not bring this up with them.
It does suck though, that the only reason our relationship is better is because I'm living up to their expectations now. Oh well, the whole unconditional love thing honestly makes no logical sense to me anyways, by nature. I mean, that they love you but not some other kid already implies that some requirements must be met (being their child), so why not others? Its probably unfair to expect parents to suddenly become enlightened Buddhist monks every time they successfully reproduce.

Its helpful to see parents perspectives on this. I also would agree that my perspective of what happened was likely skewed at the time (and thus my recall as well) because a) I was already kind of psychotic, and b) I tend to take actions at face value, and personally, without looking for the motivations driving them.

The reason I tend to neglect motivation is that it generally raises more questions than answers, haha.

Ugh, I just have no idea what the heck they were thinking... But that I shouldn't take it personally is probably the right attitude.

I should probably get some help, considering the annoying impact this is having, but I don't like either psychologists or psychiatrists.
From my experience, psychiatrists pump you full of medications and psychologists ask if you were breast fed when you were a child, and other silly questions. Both are generally amusing, but not exactly helpful.

Every time I've become depressed I've had to resolve it on my own. Now, ironically, whenever I get depressed my parents want me to go to a professional instead of the other way around. To be honest, mental health professionals seem to be fairly useless for myself personally, other than doling out prescriptions. Luckily, now when I become depressed I'm able to get back on my feet faster every time.

But I've found psychs make inaccurate assumptions about me like crazy. And not even ones that could possibly be true and you don't recognize it, but stuff like "you seem to be a very shy person, I'll bet that makes social situations very daunting for you."
And its like, ummmmmmm.... a) You just asked me if I was breast fed yet still have a straight face, so yes I'm obviously uncomfortable because your likely more deluded then myself, additionally the highly personal nature of this conversation surely isn't helping: I've never talked about this stuff with another person face-to-face, and wouldn't dare unless complete confidentiality was assured and b) Exactly the opposite, I tend to be too obtuse and unperceptive in social situations.


Maybe part of the problem is that I feel bad correcting them, so I just don't and make sure not to schedule another appointment.
I'm not sure if correcting your therapists assumptions is considered appropriate. Where I live anyways, you need a Phd to be a psychologist, and most therapists have their masters degree. So I always feel like telling them they're describing the bizzaro-version of me may not go over well, kind of like how telling a medical doctor that their diagnosis is exceptionally false is generally not well-received.
And yeah, they really do get it wrong every time. I'm not in denial or something. I know this because I've had people say I'm apparently cold or impersonal... which is partially true, but only out of necessity.
Even worse, some of their assumptions once were true but aren't any longer etc.
For example the first time I was depressed I had tones of friends and was a popular guy, yet they (psychs) kept on assuming that I didn't have enough/any. Now they never ask that and assume I've got a girlfriend etc, except I really don't have any friends because popular/sane kids are allergic to mental illness.
And no, not simply the lovely behaviors that tend to go along with mental illness either. I was really well liked until one of my best friends decided to spread the word I'd spent the last month in a psychiatric ward when she found out. I don't intend to repeat that mistake again, but I also don't intend to lie about its existence.
Its all bloody mind-boggling.

Everything here has been very insightful, thank you.
I would ask the psych to prescribe some sedatives, but I'm thinking all that would result would be a lower dosage of stimulants, which is not the problem here. And if I do tell the problem, the routine "are you planning on harming yourself or others" question will pop up and my dosage of antidepressants will get modified and/or jacked-up. Ugh, I haven't slept in 67 hours now, I'm starting to feel totally bonkers haha.
I've never stayed up past three days though, so I'm pretty excited for some sleep!

[Yarrgh]

Wow thats a large post.
If you can read all that then I'd say your being successfully treated for ADHD!

[ADHDTigger]

Yarrgh, there are other sleep aids that won't mess with your meds. Try warm milk- don't laugh, it works well for some people! Melatonin or St John's Wort are two supplements available at your local WalMart or drug store that some people use with good effect. Advil PM is one I have used as well as Benadryl. Both knock me out pretty good. If you aren't taking it already, a good Fish Oil can be helpful as well.

I loved your post. I especially value your honesty and willingness to really look at this and take on the hard work of resolving it.

Check your local library for a copy of Dr Daniel Amen's "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life." He describes different thinking patterns and then gives you suggestions for how to control them. I found those suggestions to be extremely helpful.

67 hours with no sleep is way too long. It starts feeding the problems. Somehow or another, we have to get you sleeping reasonably again.

[ginniebean]

Originally Posted by Yarrgh

Its probably unfair to expect parents to suddenly become enlightened Buddhist monks every time they successfully reproduce.

The parent child relationship is so idealized that we do often hold up our parents in comparison to some mythical archetype they are never going to meet. (commercials play to this successfully) At the same time, I would recommend being honest, not in a confrontative way but rather conversationally, tell them how you felt, your confusion they might be able to set your mind at ease. (of course I'd want my children to tell me if they had doubts, but you know you're parents better than I do so.. if it feels ok do it if not.. shelve it)

The reason I tend to neglect motivation is that it generally raises more questions than answers, haha.

People who claim a certainty about anothers motivation scare me.

Maybe part of the problem is that I feel bad correcting them, so I just don't and make sure not to schedule another appointment.
I'm not sure if correcting your therapists assumptions is considered appropriate. Where I live anyways, you need a Phd to be a psychologist, and most therapists have their masters degree. So I always feel like telling them they're describing the bizzaro-version of me may not go over well, kind of like how telling a medical doctor that their diagnosis is exceptionally false is generally not well-received.

I'd definitely correct them, and I'd tell them they are being inappropriately personal. (too much too soon)

Originally Posted by Yarrgh

Wow thats a large post.
If you can read all that then I'd say your being successfully treated for ADHD!

Nah, I hyperfocus on reading. Thank you for putting paragraphs in.

Originally Posted by ADHDTigger

Yarrgh, there are other sleep aids that won't mess with your meds. Try warm milk- don't laugh, it works well for some people!

If you're anything like my kids they wouldn't touch hot milk, until I added a little honey and vanilla. It does work.

[Yarrgh]

Thats neat you mention the change your brain, change your life book, I had read that a few years ago and it got me onto being interested in experimental neuropsychology, which turned my grades around a lot (because I had found something actually interesting, but knew I'd have to go to university if I wanted to pursue it).

Unfortunately I build up a tolerance to meds with sedative effects like crazy. With antihistamines like diphenhydramine, after about a week I've completely built up a tolerance and am already taking way too much.

I used to take saint johns wort but had to take like, 20 tablets to get an effect after a bit, so it was too expensive.

Milk is definitely worth a try though, I'd completely forgotten about that.
It used to knock me out pretty fast, so hopefully it still does.

And I'm thinking I should hide the laptop, because when I can't sleep thats generally straight what I head for. Also, maybe I'll grab a few crayons and preform a DIY lobotomy, and try and scramble up my hypothalamus and hopefully reset my circadian rhythms, because even when I wake up at 7am in the morning constantly (with my alarm clock, otherwise impossible) I always feel wide awake at night.

I really want something methodical to do, but I'm really easily amused so I can't think of anything. And when I'm bored I default into imagination mode, which is generally more stimulating.

I'm starting to think the best way to deal with this is to go resolve the main thing thats exacerbating my insomnia, and see a psych. It can't hurt anyways.
I'm totally not looking forward to this... yuck. I swear, they're even more awkward then I can be, even at my worst.

Before I subject myself to that however, I think I'm going to get my brother to boot for me, and try some warm rum and milk, see if that works. Alcohol puts me to sleep quickly too, so I'm thinking the combo of the two should be perfect. (honestly, I'm old enough to elect my government but not drink liquor!? It makes no sense. Thank god for older sibilings!)
Maybe I'll take it with some nytol too or something. (bad! I know! )

Then if that fails I'll ask for some prescription sedatives, and if that fails I'll try the crayon lobotomy a la homer simpson (joking), then if that fails I'll try a few weeks and see if it resolves itself on its own, then if that fails I'll go to the psych.

Sounds like a plan!

[Michiko74]

I used to think that every pain in my relationships with family needed to be fixed before I could move on. Now, I look at the bigger picture, and realize not every hurt needs to be mended before I can be happy.

As people have already said, dealing with something that you lack experience and knowledge may not bring out the best in you. If you can forgive your parents for that, than it may help you. I don't think your parents are easier to get a long with because you're 'living up to their expecations.' It's probably the other way around. They see you getting to a place where they think you deserve, and are happy for you. Not necessarily for themselves.

I believe that forgiveness of your parents might be the most benefical things. Forgiveness doesn't mean you whitewash their faults, or ignore what went wrong. It means you let go of the feelings you have over where they may not have been the most loving, patient, and caring individuals. You recognize that they probably tried to do the best with what they had. Again, not the easiest thing in the world to do. It takes a lot to get to this point. But life is a lot better when you're able to let go.