Resources to Show My Parents About Inattentive ADD

[frustrADDed]

Hi Parents! I'm currently a sophomore college student recently diagnosed with inattentive ADD. My parents however are quite reluctant to accept the diagnosis and have done no further research on the aspects of inattentive ADD. They constantly berate me for not having more self discipline and being so "lazy". To them ADD is an outward thing, the only symptom they acknowledge is restlessness. In middle school, I actually complained to them I thought I had ADD (my extremely mature and smart friend "diagnosed" me) and that I wanted to get tested, they just said it was in my head (funny when you think about it, because it literally is!). A few weeks ago I found out that I had been tested in elementary school with inconclusive results to either side, but whoever had delivered the results said it wasn't an issue and that I would almost surely "grow out of it".

Anyways, I haven't grown out of it and my parents are clueless as ever. I'm not trying to use my ADD as an excuse, but I would like my parents to be better informed about my condition. We have a great relationship otherwise, but this is really putting a wedge between us and making me reluctant to call and speak to them more and more (I go to school far from home and only see them a few brief times a year). They're really the only people whom I trust to vent my frustrations about this (considering they're one of few who know), but every time I do I just get blamed and yelled at. They think the accommodations I am receiving are hindering my learning (I need to "learn time management" because "having extra time on a test takes away from learning those skills".)

So finally back to my original questions, being parents yourselves, could you give me specific websites and articles that talk about inattentive ADD that helped you to understand your children? I can't just tell them "go to a CHADD meeting", they would never do that. I just want something I could send them in an email or something that clearly explains that ADD isn't just hyperactivity and explains what my symptoms are too.

Sorry for this post being so long and "ADD"! ha

[trishcan]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ADHD_pr...ly_inattentive

http://newideas.net/adhd/different-t...attentive-type

http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/i/inat...adhd/intro.htm

http://psychology.about.com/od/psych...d_inattent.htm

http://www.adda-sr.org/reading/Artic...nattentive.htm

[Vickie]

http://help4adhd.org/en/about/what/WWK8
http://www.help4adhd.org/en/education/college/WWK13
http://www.amazon.com/Stupid-Self-He.../dp/0684815311

[really]

This is really useful! Thanks.

[Dizfriz]

Probably the best one is this transcript of a workshop by Russell Barkley. Barkley is considered by most to be by far the top person in the field of ADHD. Many, including myself, consider this transcript to be the best write up on ADHD available on the internet. It is dated 2000 but most of the data is still basically pretty good. I do warn however that this is forty pages long and Barkley is information dense. It can be a bit of a struggle to work though but it is, in my opinion and in the opinion of many others, very much worth the effort. I am going to suggest you start with this overview and then download or read the article from there. This has probably helped more parents of ADHD children than any single other source. They have to be ready to listen however.

http://www.greatschools.net/cgi-bin/showarticle/2054

If there is any question about the reality of ADHD then I recommend The International Consensus Statement on ADHD.

http://www.russellbarkley.org/images...sus%202002.pdf

The help4adhd site http://www.help4adhd.org/
has already been mentioned. It is "The National Resource Center on AD/HD: Funded by the CDC, it is the official clearinghouse for science-based information about all aspects of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (AD/HD)." This may add some credence to that they say with your parents.

There is a lot of other good sources of information but as far as impact, these are the big three.

Also you might find Russell Barkley's site has some good information
http://www.russellbarkley.org/

There are a number of good books on the subject. One I recommend for parents is Barkley's "Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents
(Revised Edition)"

I hope this is of some help. Keep plugging, The key to working with ADHD is accurate information on the disorder.

Good luck

Dizfriz

[frustrADDed]

Thank you all! Even I learned a lot from reading these. Now I just have to find a way to get my parents to at least look at them (there's no way they'd read a 40 page report on something they didn't believe in) without igniting yet another huge fight.

[ADDMagnet]

Here's another resource. This includes a table documenting some of the differences between the hyperactive and inattentive type.

http://www.devcogneuro.com/Publications/ADD.pdf

[callmehats]

I'm not really sure what you are looking for from your parents...

Do they not believe in ADD? Do they not believe that you have it? Have you been diagnosed? If not, you need to go see a doctor. This is a necessary step for you, and perhaps proof to them that you aren't just being ridiculous. If my kid came to me with a half-baked self diagnosis as an excuse for something they've done, I'd be dismissive too.

If and once you've been properly diagnosed, and that's not good enough for your parents, then f 'em. Someday when they are complaining of arthritis or something you can just chuckle to yourself and tell them that it's not a real thing.

If your parents accept that this is something that is going on with you, that's a different situation. It could be that they are just trying to help you. Personally, I don't believe in getting special accommodations made unless absolutely necessary. The real world doesn't make special accommodations for me, nor do I think it should. ADD is always going to be there, so I'd better learn to cope. I'm not learning how to cope, if I'm not pushing myself. In that sense, I can see your parents' point. ADD can only be used as an excuse for so much. At the end of the day, you've still got to be able to take care of your business.

Here's the bottom line though: you're an adult now. While your parents' approval and sympathy would be awesome, you don't need it. They aren't going to be helping you with your ADD, nor do you need them to, so their role in the process is pretty irrelevant. Again, it might be nice if they wanted to be some kind of understanding emotional support, but you can get that in other places.

[frustrADDed]

Oops, this is a novel...

Call me selfish, but I just want them to be more informed. We hardly ever fight about anything so the fact that every single time this is brought up (which is often) it usually ends up with me crying and them exasperated and both of us just hanging up on each other.

They don't really believe in ADD or a handful of other general mental disorders (like depression). Where I come from, this stuff is very hush-hush and there's certainly the belief that "if you can't see it, it's not true". My parents are educated enough to know that these things do exist, but it's stuff that "only happens to someone else's kid".

I was recently diagnosed (my parents both participated in being questioned about my childhood by the psychologist during testing), but getting there was quite the struggle. And to be honest, even I had never heard of inattentive type ADD before. Basically what happened, and why they are probably still having trouble believing, is that I went from being one of the top graduates at my high school (who did very well while taking almost every single AP and honors class offered at my school) straight to academic probation (luckily since it was 1st semester and I was a freshman there were no consequences because my school considers it "adjustment" and I was almost above the line). My parents trust me and know me well enough to know that it wasn't freshman partying that led to the drop (and it wasn't, heck I still don't even "party"). We all believed it was just the fact that I went to a subpar public high school and hadn't been taught skills that I needed to succeed here, and by skills I mean being able to analyze what I'm learning instead of just spewing it back for at test, how to write a research paper (let alone a good one), etc. (I go to a top small liberal arts school filled with a bunch of Andover/Exeter, etc. grads who have been learning these things since they entered kindergarten pretty much.) We figured I'd learned my lesson from first semester (and let me tell you, I was terrified by my grades) and had figured out how to do things right for second semester. However, second semester was the same as the first. What finally convinced my parents to let me get tested was the fact that a few faculty (who didn't even know of each other) had pulled me aside to say they thought I had it (one was even an education professor so she knew what it looked like in classrooms quite well). Sorry for the long life story...

Personally, I think I did so well previously because my parents were so oversupportive. They'd monitor me out of the corner of their eyes while doing my homework, so instead of daydreaming for hours like I do here, they'd notice and help me snap back into reality/getting my work done. As long as I prepared the information, they would put together projects for me (like posters, I'd print out the info to glue on it, get the markers/glitter/etc. together and they'd actually make it presentable). I did try to help with that, but usually getting all the information/stuff ready to even be assembled came right down to the wire so out of sympathy they'd do the rest.

Anyways, my parents at first made an effort to be supportive, but they never did their research. They only know the symptoms of ADHD and believe more into the propaganda that it's not real anyways. My only treatment has been Concerta so far (that I started when I got to school, the testing/diagnosis was at the tail end of the summer) and it hasn't been working at all. Since I'm a new patient on a college campus and I'm "claiming" no effects, the school doctor has been painfully slow in raising my dosages because I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm secretly selling them (I'm not). My parents are thinking, "She's got the diagnosis and the meds so she should be doing just fine now," but my grades are still awful if not worse while I've been trying even harder than before, and that's what has been causing all of the fights. My dad actually started laughing at me yesterday (right before he hung up on me) when I tried to explain to him that sluggishness is a symptom. Now they just think I'm being lazy because I can just claim "disability" when things don't go my way.

As for accommodations, their attitude is the same as yours, callmehats. But really, when in the real world are you ever going to be forced to sit down for a set amount of time to write an analyzation about the symbolism in some obscure book? Yet, since I can't do that as efficiently as everyone else, I am going to be penalized in the real world when I try to get a job because my GPA will reflect that.

You are almost entirely correct in your last point, but unfortunately more hinges on that than I'd like to admit. I really need their support for two selfish reasons: first of all, since we're so close, instead of just not being the support I want, they're actually taking away the support I've relied on my entire life while having the audacity to claim that it's really me just doing it to myself. The other reason (which is still support) is that they're paying for my education (I already know how lucky I am with that, believe me), and more recently the fights have ended with them threatening to take that away until I "pull it together". If that happens, I have to drop out of this school immediately and either take out a bunch of loans to pay for a school where I would certainly get lost in the crowd, and the classes themselves would not be of the caliber they are here, or go straight to the workforce (if I could get a fulltime job in this economy...) and hope that somewhere down the line I'd get to go back to school.

So I apologize for the novel I just wrote (where I come off sounding like a spoiled brat), but this is a really sensitive/important issue to me.

[MGDAD]

You really are trying to balance a lot at one time now. With all this stress, along with the difficulties of ADHD, it must be very hard for you.

I dont agree with the above poster, that you dont need your parents buy in or approval. A good relation ship with your parents is obviously very important to you, and worth trying to maintain for your own mental health. However, now that you are away from them you might realize that you dissagree with them on certain issues. That is fine, and should not be a reason to separate them from your life.

You are doing the best you can to get treatment for your ADHD, and unfortunately not having a lot of success. At this point, I would avoid discussing it with your parents, because they are unable to give you any good advice on the subject.

It would probably good for you to get a tutor to help you with your school work. Your parents would probably be willing to help pay for that, since you are just asking for pure help, not making "excuses". You should also spend more time seeking help from your professors. That is one reason that you go to a small school. Better access to the professors. When you were in high school, you probably never sought help from your teachers, because your parents were always there to help you. Now that you are out on your own, you need to seek help somewhere else.

You are actually lucky that you are at a "small liberal arts school." Those are usually the best for people with ADHD. ADHDers tend to get lost in the big schools.

Good luck with everything.

[frustrADDed]

Thanks for your reply MGDAD!

I definitely agree with you on the importance of a small school for me (or anyone with ADD), which is why I'm so scared that my parents won't pay anymore. Unfortunately, I already am doing the things that you've said. I've met with all of my professors at least twice if not more than that this semester. I actually did seek help from my teachers quite often in high school (which backfired a little, they hated me for making them stay after school or come in earlier than they needed to re-explain something they had already taught us in class, that's why I love that professors are required to have office hours - they have to listen to me!). I understand what I learn in class, so I'm not really sure I need tutors, however my school has writing tutors who I utilize beyond belief. The only problem is that I never have anything to show them because I always make an appointment as a motivator to get a draft done, but I get there with nothing but ideas. Also, they only work about two hours a week, so it's impossible to have the same tutor help me with a paper from start to finish (which also means that I have to re-explain the subject matter every single time, so frustrating).

Oh well, only a little over a month until the end of the semester, hopefully I can talk it over with them in person (can't hang up on each other then).

[dkmtw]

FrstrADDed - You sound like a very level-headed person and I empathize with your struggles. As a parent with ADHD who has a 15 year old son with ADHD--I understand both sides of your situation. I go back and forth over my DS--does he really have it or is he just lazy/unmotivated? do I really have it or am I just lazy too? It's so hard when you can't see it and the symptoms aren't so cut and dried as bi-polar or other mental conditions.

I also agree with you that your parents probably contributed to these issues by helping too much in high school. Right now I am dealing with that with my son. I'm cutting the ties and it is sink or swim (on the advice of a counselor), because if I keep helping so much he will never be ready to take care of himself. So think of it this way, even though this is difficult now, you are doing the hard work of becoming a responsible adult. Those of us with ADHD have our work cut out for us!

As for your relationship with your parents, I do understand how important it is, but I would give up on trying to convince them. Hopefully, they will one day understand. In the meantime, I would do my best to enjoy your time with them, stick to topics that are less controversial, and continue to show them that you are working hard, getting help, etc. I went to a small, liberal arts school and I do think that you will figure it out and find your way over time. I had a lot of professors who were quite familiar with me because I occupied a lot of their office hours! You (your parents) are paying a small fortune for college and that is part of what you are paying for so continue to use every service they offer.

Have you considered getting an ADHD coach? I know it is more money, so not sure how you can afford it, but would probably be a better use of your time/money than tutoring or counseling. There are some that work by phone, but they will hold you accountable, give you ideas/suggestions for coping, and offer advice/encouragement.

Parents hate to think there is something "wrong" with their children. We also hate to see them hurt or fail. (Think "Finding Nemo"--one of my favorite movies : ). The thing that your parents (who sound like good people too) will hopefully understand is that hurting and failing is part of life, part of growing up, part of finding out who you are and what's important to you. It's OK to struggle and they can just love you and let you know that whatever you're dealing with, you'll figure it out in the end. Failing doesn't make you a failure--only not trying.

Good luck and take good care...

[ohwaitiforgot]

gosh, am i there with you on this one! my mother, father, and aunt (who is a school psychologist) ALL suspected i had ad/hd once i reached middle school. i was finally tested, and the results were "inconclusive", just as yours were... and nothing was ever done about it. as i grew older and went to high school and then college, it got worse and worse and worse...

i am seeing a new therapist and psychiatrist and have FINALLY gotten my diagnosis and i am receiving treatment. it's amazing how much easier it is to understand my failures and shortcomings when i finally know (part of) what caused them.

i get the same thing about being "lazy". with inattentive ADHD, it's so difficult... especially for me. i did SO well in classes i was interested in (english and history) and did HORRIBLY in classes i just didn't care about. therefore, their immediate assumption was that i was lazy and just wasn't putting forth enough effort (especially since my grades were A's in classes that were my strong suit). teachers, therapists, doctors, and my parents ALL insisted that i could do it, i just had to "try harder".
um, nope!

i think there are a lot of good resources online and in bookstores for parents. the difficulties i've come across have to do with finding books for ADULTS. there's such a lack of information and aducation on adult ADHD... especially for parents of adults with the disorder. sigh.