Its ok to be who we are right now, the journey through ADD isn't easy.

[leapofaith]

I saw a thread that brought the following to words for me. It asked what my reputation is. This is something I have been really thinking about and working on before I read the thread. I am glad to have been inspired to put it into words. It feels good. I will copy it and send it to people I am hurting. Maybe they will understand that I love them, I don't want to hurt them. I do need them and want to be here for them.
I feel like I am or have been 2 completely different people. I am trying to mesh them in to one great person and mother. Here is where I am:

One, before I knew I had ADHD, and I was oblivious to it and not suffering its symptoms. I think others suffered the symptoms, I was certainly stubborn, just fought hard through challenges and to obtain goals. I had no idea other people didn't work that hard. At my core, I have always been a kind person. I have never purposefully stepped on, hurt or used anyone. I'm sure my ADD has effected every relationship I've had. But if you don't know, you can't see, and therefor can't work towards change if you want it. In high school I never fit or felt I belonged to any "click", but wasn't shy and just got along with everyone. I am proud to say, I have never been a judgmental person. Others may have said I was loud, crass, honest, loyal, brave, flaky, strong willed, stubborn, emotional, oblivious.

Second, after diagnosis and medication. Having added responsibilities and decreased ways to relieve stress and anxiety in my life. My ADHD symptoms became apparent and impossible to live with. Sudden self awareness is NOT an easy concept to deal with on top of everything else. I am trying to navigate my way through what my personal flaws are and what are my ADHD symptoms. Also what the difference
between them are and if they can be changed or I just have to live with them. I have 37 years of learned behaviors and coping mechanisms to work through and change if I need to. I am trying to do this and keep some self-esteem intact, not easy some days. Others in my life right now would tell you I am a recluse, I don't return phone calls, I don't socialize, I don't care about them anymore, I have disappeared from the face of the earth. I am here, and I REALLY DO CARE!!. I am not doing well at returning phone calls and socializing. It is taking every bit of focus I have right now to take care of my kids the way I really want to. Remember, I have no example to follow, I did not grow up in a stable loving home. I have achieved stopping the cycle of addiction and self destruction in generations of women in my family. I only have my instincts, my heart and my god to guide me. I am thankful for these things. I know some mothers don't even have these tools. I cannot apologize for my priorities, I can apologize if I have hurt some one. I hate to know I am the cause of pain to those I love. I am trying, I do care, I do miss them. It breaks my heart too. I don't know if things will get better than this. I am taking one day at a time. Thats all I have right now. If I live my life any other way right now, the cost, loss of my sanity and being a good mom, is not an option.

As of now, on my journey through self discovery, I can say I am for sure: loyal, honest, kind, empathic, sympathetic, hard working, emotionally and mentally strong, not a quitter, loving, tough, needy, oblivious sometimes, passionate, extremely forgetful, disorganized, can't multi-task, more aware of myself, my actions and how they effect others. I am doing my absolute best I know how every day. I have been working at a fever pitch to get through this rough patch so that I may one day be able to socialize and give to others again. I am doing everything that I know in my heart to be right, right now. Thats all I can do, thats all I have.

I really do love you. I am sorry I can't be who I was right now, I am trying, this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have not had an easy life, but you already know that.

[dude102]

I feel you man...

In highschool I've always wondered how people didn't even seem to be trying and understood everything. I then wondered if they did all their homework, and most said they didn't... so here I am busting my *** working 10x harder than everyone else just to achieve a mediocre grade.

Further more having no friends, feeling self conscious as ****, trembling whenever talking to someone, being a minority and not fitting in, hating everyone around me...

We have will power... we know what we have to do. If we've gotten this far in life, we have will power. Not everyone has this kind of determination. Be proud of that.

[formychildren]

Yes, I can relate. Highschool, backgrounds, parenting etc etc... Yes, it's hard to know who we are becoming, it's hard to see how it was, it's hard to change, it's hard for others, but mostly... it's hard to accept it all and go from here knowing all of that and continuing strong. You are not alone with this, which I am sure you know but I believe that you are doing great. From what I read, it seems you are prioritizing and you are not someone who gives up-
you are not ignoring your family, friends etc...
You are only putting them on hold.
... and that's okay.

[Kiddder]

"I saw a thread that brought the following to words for me. It asked what my reputation is. This is something I have been really thinking about and working on before I read the thread. I am glad to have been inspired to put it into words. It feels good. I will copy it and send it to people I am hurting. Maybe they will understand that I love them, I don't want to hurt them. I do need them and want to be here for them.
I feel like I am or have been 2 completely different people. I am trying to mesh them in to one great person and mother. Here is where I am:" leapofaith

Very heartfelt, humbling and touching self critique....... as well as a positive action to make things better.....so often dwelling on the bad with no plan to make better is the norm. My guess is the ones you love and miss and that love and have missed contact with you on a regular basis understand you better than you think.

It never hurts to tell them.....we all could stand to be more open with feelings to those we care about.....at least I could. Don't know if it's taking them for granted or the whole ADD magnified self consiousness combined with over concern for what others think......either way it results in neglecting to regularly nurture relationships and is then percieved mistakenly as disinterest or lack of care.

This thread makes me immediately think of John Mayers song "Say"......we know how we feel.....the ones we care about should too.....and we never know when life will close the window of opportunity to "Say" so......

Please don't be too hard on yourself.....what's important is that you are doing your best.....and that's simply all you can do. The fact you so wish you could do more should not be a cause for feelings shame or failure....say what you need to say those you need to say it and then put any regret and guilt for not saying it or for actions in the past away.....and don't forget to take care of you, too.

Thanks leapofaith......think maybe I will go now and write some family and friends to let them know....to "say" what I need to say.

Jeff