Is a boy thing?? An ADHD Thing??

[tessmesser]

ADHDTigger said:

"Maybe I'm nuts but...

It sounds to me like the kid was 100% successful. He knew what he wanted and he made all the required effort to get it. To me, the issue is that what he wanted and what you wanted were two different things. for putting perspective on this. You guys are soooooo right. He actually did succeed in his goal and I should be proud that he set himself a goal and accomplished it."

Thanks for putting this in perspective!!! You guys are all exactly right. I would not want the child in the 3rd chair. And he DID what he set out to do as ADHDTigger pointed out to me. I find it extremely weird that considering that I was not even a fraction as accomplished as my son at his age that things like this make me crazy. Maybe it is because I feel that I continued to fall behind and I am scared for him. Thanks again. You guys are the best!!!

[RedHairedWitch]

Pick your battles, putting extra effort into reading is one thing, putting extra effort into flute is another

[tessmesser]

Cacho,

He is the only boy in the flute section but he seems perfectly comfortable with that. I think one of the greatest (or saddest depending on your perspective) things about kids with ADHD is that they get used to being kind of different. He is very much his own person and is very secure with his 'unique style'. I am very proud of his ability to happily march to his own beat. Thanks again for all your help!

[stef]

well you may be on to something as there are usually just only one or 2 other girls playing trumpet...strangely this never bothered me even though I don't like visibly "standing out". And, I've made lots of nice, funny guy friends over the years.

[wsmac]

After reading all the posts here I just feel a bit sad.
I was fortunate in that I was a stay-at-home dad for the majority of our daughter's life.. until high school. I still spend as much time volunteering with the other and parents, though, as well as with her other school activities.

Having spent so much time in our school system (and having worked for two years as a perceptual motor 'coach' at my daughter's elementary school), I have seen plenty of this phenomenon of the competitive/domineering parent. Tessmesser... I am not referring to you.. just so's you know

I have also seen this in my own family.. well, my former wife's family at least.

Being 49 years old, I cannot remember this being such an issue back in the 60's. Then again, perhaps I just don't remember it well at all.

But, for a lot of years now... certainly throughout my whole parenting life... I have seen this emphasis on pushing children to be at the top.
I'm talking about elementary school children... Kindergarten, 1st grade, 2nd grade....

There seems to be so much more riding on these little shoulders now-a-days, than ever before.
The early years used to be much less competitive... or so I recall.

In California, we're not just agonizing over our children's individual accomplishments, we're pitting school against school with the infamous STAR test.

I have sat in school board meetings just after the STAR test results have been published... in the local newspaper... where parents are waving the results in the air, crying about how that other school scored so much higher than ours!
Then they demand to know what the school is going to do to remedy the situation!
To add to all this... the state demands schools to pass a certain level of scoring or else the school board may be taken over by the state!

All over one test... quite pathetic, really.

We have children who are enrolled in multiple sports... while still in 2nd grade!

It's crazy, if you ask me!

I could be looked upon as a slacker... if you just view my life from what you see at the moment.
But when I really get interested in something, I pour myself into it... for as long as I feel like it... then drop it and move onto something else.

Has that harmed me in life? Only if I measure my 'success' by standards that say I have to be on a constant vigil to do 100%.. or 100%+ ... all the time.

Hey, I like to live life and enjoy it too.

So, in regards to my daughter... I allow her some slack time also.
She has shown her interest in music also.
I don't push her to practice her oboe everyday... she plays it at school every school day anyway.
When a performance looms near, she will practice her pieces at home more often... and her mom and I remind her to do so, but we do not push.

She enjoys her music. She thinks about being a music teacher, maybe a performer (although she also has admitted she does not practice enough to be a top level oboist, clarinetist, pianist).
Then, sometimes she thinks about working as an agent for the FBI or CIA.
She's 16... she's got time to figure it all out.

Contrast that to the experience of a nephew of mine (well, my former wife's nephew).
He is a classical guitarist.
He has studied with Manuel Barrueco at the Peabody Conservatory in Baltimore.
He is continuing his studies in that area.

From as young as 10 years old, he has played guitar... lessons mostly dedicated to classical guitar, although he did have his moments as a young teen rocker!

He has appeared on NPR's "From The Top", a music program dedicated to young, upcoming musicians.

He has competed in various guitar competitions here in California, in Hawaii...

He was 'pushed' by his parents to not only practice, but to be the best, and to perform for anyone who came by the house to visit.

I recall being in his bedroom once just chatting, when his mother's voice came calling from downstairs, "____! Come downstairs and play for _____!".
Yet another house visitor, yet another performance for a young boy.
His body language, the rolling of his eyes, all told me how he hated doing this, yet he went downstairs and played nonetheless.

Now, it could be said that he is where he is at with guitar today precisely because his parents pushed him so hard. Of course he does enjoy playing the guitar, so that has to be factored in as well.
But it could also be said that he lived with way more pressure as a young child than he needed to be living with.

He got to go out and play with his friends.
He became a skateboarder... until the worry over hurting his hands became so great.
He generally seemed to enjoy his life.... his kid life.
But he rebelled against his parents as well.
There were screaming events at home.
I do believe there was a cost for all that was gained, and I know I did not want the same thing for my daughter and her mom and I.

I haven't had contact with him since the divorce, so I am not sure how he is doing, other than reports that he is doing pretty well with the guitar still.
I do wish I could ask him to evaluate his life in regards to all I have written about though. I'm genuinely interested.

I do believe young children should not be pushed to compete as hard as they seem to be today.
I do believe children need to be pushed a bit from time-to-time, just in order to get things done or progress in something.

I also believe, like many of the posters here, that children also have to learn to make their own decisions apart from their parent's leftover emotional issues.
Although I live vicariously through my daughter's life, sometimes, I try hard not to have her fix my own feelings of loss and inadequacy by doing the things I wish I had done.

[ditzydreamer]

tess, I just wanted to chime in with my personal experience in music...

I can completely relate to your son... I loved playing, but didn't want the pressure and expectations of being "first chair".

By grade 9 (for marching band) first chair found me, and in grade 12, it found me again in my high school band.

I got the solos, the more complicated pieces, etc because my teachers recognized my ability, despite the fact that I failed music more than once (darn theory/history)! I was perfectly comfortable going at my own pace up until then because I can appreciate playing those parts in the song that nobody realizes are there...but wouldn't be the same without!

It sounds like your son is keen to learn, but needs time to build confidence. You can't rush this.
With his private lessons, more practice, his confidence will grow. Just keep encouraging him to play his parts to the best of his ability because they are every bit as important!

I'm jealous though, no matter how much I encouraged it, my daughter (6th grade) refuses to join band...