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  #2326  
Old 01-09-19, 12:24 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I finished the Reading Inventory (some of you may know this, some of you may not) in school. We usually take it about 3 times a year, and this is the second. After I finished, I got my score, and it was lower than my original score. So now I'm really depressed about it. I'm sure I'm going to have the lowest score in my class, and that hurts. It hurts to know that I'm dumber than I thought I was. I thought I was smart, but my score says otherwise. And it's always been like this. Almost every kind of test or quiz I take, I get a score lower than I would have hoped. It makes me feel stupid, because I don't know the answers to the easiest questions.
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  #2327  
Old 01-09-19, 02:00 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicChild131 View Post
I finished the Reading Inventory (some of you may know this, some of you may not) in school. We usually take it about 3 times a year, and this is the second. After I finished, I got my score, and it was lower than my original score. So now I'm really depressed about it. I'm sure I'm going to have the lowest score in my class, and that hurts. It hurts to know that I'm dumber than I thought I was. I thought I was smart, but my score says otherwise. And it's always been like this. Almost every kind of test or quiz I take, I get a score lower than I would have hoped. It makes me feel stupid, because I don't know the answers to the easiest questions.
Getting a lower score doesn't mean you're getting dumber. It just means you
were having an off day when you took the test.

As Russell Barkley says, "We know what to do, but we can't always do what
we know." Some days are "on" days when the information is easy to access,
other days are "off" days when the brain can't connect with the information,
but the information is still there whether it's an "on" day or an "off" day.
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ADD is not a problem of knowing what to do; it is a problem of doing what you know.
-RUSSELL A. BARKLEY, PH.D.


As far as I know, there is nothing positive about ADHD that people can't have w out ADHD. ~ ADD me
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  #2328  
Old 01-09-19, 02:42 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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  #2329  
Old 01-09-19, 03:29 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicChild131 View Post
I finished the Reading Inventory (some of you may know this, some of you may not) in school. We usually take it about 3 times a year, and this is the second. After I finished, I got my score, and it was lower than my original score. So now I'm really depressed about it. I'm sure I'm going to have the lowest score in my class, and that hurts. It hurts to know that I'm dumber than I thought I was. I thought I was smart, but my score says otherwise. And it's always been like this. Almost every kind of test or quiz I take, I get a score lower than I would have hoped. It makes me feel stupid, because I don't know the answers to the easiest questions.
Where my cousin grew up, they put kids into schools based on their test scores. He ended up being put in with the lowest scorers or as he thought of it "the stupid school".

He's a successful electrical engineer now. You can't really be stupid to do well in that field so his test scores really didn't show how smart he actually was.

As Lunacie said, we sometimes test lower because of our working memory isn't always there. So we can't think of things when we need to sometimes. Not only that, tests aren't always a reflection of people period. Some people just test bad.

You probably are as smart as you thought you were. And doing bad on tests doesn't really say anything about your intelligence or how you will do in life.
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  #2330  
Old 01-10-19, 10:42 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Since Sunday night I've gotten a total seven point five hours of sleep. In order to get the three point five I got last night I had to drug the hell out of myself. I took the maximums on everything (plus, yes, psychiatrist approved, "crisis plan" dosages of my PRNs) and I'm barely holding it together. I went to IOP group today and basically had rolling panic attacks the whole time. My ideation is full time at this point, too. I don't know what to do and I'm quickly losing hope I'll be able to get it under control.

I was so hoping to cut back on my meds and now I'm worried if this continues much longer I'm going to end up IP. I'm so agitated I come off looking like a meth addict and it's a struggle to leave my house during daylight hours. Though I have been running every morning at 5:15 AM. I mean, I am doing all of the sleep hygiene things and grounding exercises and if I listed my meds you'd think I was trying to drug a brontosaurus. You know what? **** it. I'll tell you the list so you can see how out of control it is right now.

Usually I take:
300 mg clozaril (divided dosage 100 AM and 200 PM)
15 mg zyprexa
1000 mg metformin
80 Prozac
2 mg Ativan (1 mg BID)

Last night?
All 300 clozaril in PM
15 mg zyprexa
1000 metformin
Prozac is in the AM, so none last night but yes 80 yesterday AM
4 mg Ativan over the course of the day
3 mg klonipin (with PM meds)
An ambien when two hours after all the above I was still hyper alert with no signs of tiring...I have no idea what that dosage is because it's my "all hell may break loose if I don't sleep PRN"

I mean, what the ****?!?!!

I told them at group today that I need to either unzip and remove my skin suit or turn my body inside out. Constantly. The other ideal scenario would be exploding into billions of bits so there's fresh air surrounding each cell of my body and be diffused into the atmosphere.

I can't drink alcohol with the meds when I'm taking these high dosages of them, so that's out. I can't try recreational or medical cannabis because, though legal and ubiquitous in SF, my psychiatrist thinks it's a bad idea for me and I told him I'd leave it alone. Melatonin is a ******* joke, guided meditation makes me just writhe in agony trying to "let thoughts pass through, acknowledging but not attaching to them".

There was one time when I had super bad akathisia from prolixin depot that I ended up being prescribed a barbiturate. Literally *a* barbiturate...one pill of something I don't remember the name of but I'd been awake for days and totally chewed up my tongue and could barely swallow my own saliva because I'd bitten it so many times (by the way, that's how I know I'm in a bad way...when I've picked my lips until they bleed and/or my tongue is a wreck). Anyway, that pill worked. I was out cold for, like, ten hours.

Jaysus I'm sure I've overshared in this post, but **** it. Nobody's reading this anyway.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow to sit with me because m has school but he's worried. My psychiatrist is out on holiday until the 21st, which is when my next appointment is...there's always another psychiatrist covering when he's out and I've thought about asking whomever for one of those barbiturates, but I'm afraid they'll be, like, check yourself into the ER and get a bed IP.

I hate this ******* disease.

Oh, and I had someone I'm "acquaintance friends" with tell me today that she "totally knows what it's like" and she's sure it'll improve soon. And suggested I try a weighted blanket.

Are you ******* kidding me?!?!!

First off, no, she does NOT know what it's like. sorry, but when your **** (I asked what her diagnoses were and she said she had never felt the need to get professional treatment for her anxiety. Which indicates to me that it's not the same. Period) is managed by a weighted blanket and you're proudly (mockingly, tauntingly) "drug free", no, you do NOT know what this is like. She's never even been hospitalized for ****s sake. Why I shared with her is beyond me, but likely because we had a play date for our kids and agitation is not something I'm able to hide very well. Or at all. Plus I have no filtering capability at present. And she was, like, you seem really intense today. Is there something wrong?

Yes, there's something wrong! And sharing your strategies for dealing with your non-medication-needing non-existent diagnosis is tone deaf as hell.


This is long and I'm tired of typing. Anyone who's out there, I appreciate you reading if you did. Sometimes I feel like I'm just screaming into a void or a black hole.
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  #2331  
Old 01-10-19, 11:19 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Big hugs Peri I really do feel for you..
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  #2332  
Old 01-10-19, 11:25 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
Since Sunday night I've gotten a total seven point five hours of sleep. In order to get the three point five I got last night I had to drug the hell out of myself. I took the maximums on everything (plus, yes, psychiatrist approved, "crisis plan" dosages of my PRNs) and I'm barely holding it together. I went to IOP group today and basically had rolling panic attacks the whole time. My ideation is full time at this point, too. I don't know what to do and I'm quickly losing hope I'll be able to get it under control.

I was so hoping to cut back on my meds and now I'm worried if this continues much longer I'm going to end up IP. I'm so agitated I come off looking like a meth addict and it's a struggle to leave my house during daylight hours. Though I have been running every morning at 5:15 AM. I mean, I am doing all of the sleep hygiene things and grounding exercises and if I listed my meds you'd think I was trying to drug a brontosaurus. You know what? **** it. I'll tell you the list so you can see how out of control it is right now.

Usually I take:
300 mg clozaril (divided dosage 100 AM and 200 PM)
15 mg zyprexa
1000 mg metformin
80 Prozac
2 mg Ativan (1 mg BID)

Last night?
All 300 clozaril in PM
15 mg zyprexa
1000 metformin
Prozac is in the AM, so none last night but yes 80 yesterday AM
4 mg Ativan over the course of the day
3 mg klonipin (with PM meds)
An ambien when two hours after all the above I was still hyper alert with no signs of tiring...I have no idea what that dosage is because it's my "all hell may break loose if I don't sleep PRN"

I mean, what the ****?!?!!

I told them at group today that I need to either unzip and remove my skin suit or turn my body inside out. Constantly. The other ideal scenario would be exploding into billions of bits so there's fresh air surrounding each cell of my body and be diffused into the atmosphere.

I can't drink alcohol with the meds when I'm taking these high dosages of them, so that's out. I can't try recreational or medical cannabis because, though legal and ubiquitous in SF, my psychiatrist thinks it's a bad idea for me and I told him I'd leave it alone. Melatonin is a ******* joke, guided meditation makes me just writhe in agony trying to "let thoughts pass through, acknowledging but not attaching to them".

There was one time when I had super bad akathisia from prolixin depot that I ended up being prescribed a barbiturate. Literally *a* barbiturate...one pill of something I don't remember the name of but I'd been awake for days and totally chewed up my tongue and could barely swallow my own saliva because I'd bitten it so many times (by the way, that's how I know I'm in a bad way...when I've picked my lips until they bleed and/or my tongue is a wreck). Anyway, that pill worked. I was out cold for, like, ten hours.

Jaysus I'm sure I've overshared in this post, but **** it. Nobody's reading this anyway.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow to sit with me because m has school but he's worried. My psychiatrist is out on holiday until the 21st, which is when my next appointment is...there's always another psychiatrist covering when he's out and I've thought about asking whomever for one of those barbiturates, but I'm afraid they'll be, like, check yourself into the ER and get a bed IP.

I hate this ******* disease.

Oh, and I had someone I'm "acquaintance friends" with tell me today that she "totally knows what it's like" and she's sure it'll improve soon. And suggested I try a weighted blanket.

Are you ******* kidding me?!?!!

First off, no, she does NOT know what it's like. sorry, but when your **** (I asked what her diagnoses were and she said she had never felt the need to get professional treatment for her anxiety. Which indicates to me that it's not the same. Period) is managed by a weighted blanket and you're proudly (mockingly, tauntingly) "drug free", no, you do NOT know what this is like. She's never even been hospitalized for ****s sake. Why I shared with her is beyond me, but likely because we had a play date for our kids and agitation is not something I'm able to hide very well. Or at all. Plus I have no filtering capability at present. And she was, like, you seem really intense today. Is there something wrong?

Yes, there's something wrong! And sharing your strategies for dealing with your non-medication-needing non-existent diagnosis is tone deaf as hell.


This is long and I'm tired of typing. Anyone who's out there, I appreciate you reading if you did. Sometimes I feel like I'm just screaming into a void or a black hole.
Iím reading this. I wish, I could help you with your real issues.

Hopefully, venting about your acquaintance helps. There are lots of uneducated, unexperienced, braggadocio people out there. You just happened to run into one. Let that be her problem and not yours. Sheís not worth getting upset over because she's not changing and you're only harming yourself.

Can you just accept there are those type of people and try your best to avoid them? Thatís what I do. Iíve had to learn to choose my battles wisely, no matter how tempting they may be. Itís rarely beneficial and causes me so much mental anguish, torment and ruminating. Itís a huge price to pay on someone or something that really doesnít matter.

Please take a deep breath and try to let her go. You donít need that on top of all your other concerns, which really do matter.
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  #2333  
Old 01-11-19, 08:28 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
I got four hours of sleep last night and only three hours the night before. 2mg Ativan 1mg klonopin (after the others failed it was my last stab at midnight), 15 mg zyprexa, 200 mg clozaril (I take the other 100 mg in morning meds), and 1000 mg metformin taken at eight. I finally fell asleep around two AM.

That's supposedly a lot of sedating medicine. Which can only mean one thing. I've felt it bubbling but now it's incipient probably: agitation. My old arch enemy agitation. It's one of the symptoms I have enormous difficulty acting like it's not happening and makes me look banana balls.
Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
Since Sunday night I've gotten a total seven point five hours of sleep. In order to get the three point five I got last night I had to drug the hell out of myself. I took the maximums on everything (plus, yes, psychiatrist approved, "crisis plan" dosages of my PRNs) and I'm barely holding it together. I went to IOP group today and basically had rolling panic attacks the whole time. My ideation is full time at this point, too. I don't know what to do and I'm quickly losing hope I'll be able to get it under control.

I was so hoping to cut back on my meds and now I'm worried if this continues much longer I'm going to end up IP. I'm so agitated I come off looking like a meth addict and it's a struggle to leave my house during daylight hours. Though I have been running every morning at 5:15 AM. I mean, I am doing all of the sleep hygiene things and grounding exercises and if I listed my meds you'd think I was trying to drug a brontosaurus. You know what? **** it. I'll tell you the list so you can see how out of control it is right now.

Usually I take:
300 mg clozaril (divided dosage 100 AM and 200 PM)
15 mg zyprexa
1000 mg metformin
80 Prozac
2 mg Ativan (1 mg BID)

Last night?
All 300 clozaril in PM
15 mg zyprexa
1000 metformin
Prozac is in the AM, so none last night but yes 80 yesterday AM
4 mg Ativan over the course of the day
3 mg klonipin (with PM meds)
An ambien when two hours after all the above I was still hyper alert with no signs of tiring...I have no idea what that dosage is because it's my "all hell may break loose if I don't sleep PRN"

I mean, what the ****?!?!!

I told them at group today that I need to either unzip and remove my skin suit or turn my body inside out. Constantly. The other ideal scenario would be exploding into billions of bits so there's fresh air surrounding each cell of my body and be diffused into the atmosphere.

I can't drink alcohol with the meds when I'm taking these high dosages of them, so that's out. I can't try recreational or medical cannabis because, though legal and ubiquitous in SF, my psychiatrist thinks it's a bad idea for me and I told him I'd leave it alone. Melatonin is a ******* joke, guided meditation makes me just writhe in agony trying to "let thoughts pass through, acknowledging but not attaching to them".

There was one time when I had super bad akathisia from prolixin depot that I ended up being prescribed a barbiturate. Literally *a* barbiturate...one pill of something I don't remember the name of but I'd been awake for days and totally chewed up my tongue and could barely swallow my own saliva because I'd bitten it so many times (by the way, that's how I know I'm in a bad way...when I've picked my lips until they bleed and/or my tongue is a wreck). Anyway, that pill worked. I was out cold for, like, ten hours.

Jaysus I'm sure I've overshared in this post, but **** it. Nobody's reading this anyway.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow to sit with me because m has school but he's worried. My psychiatrist is out on holiday until the 21st, which is when my next appointment is...there's always another psychiatrist covering when he's out and I've thought about asking whomever for one of those barbiturates, but I'm afraid they'll be, like, check yourself into the ER and get a bed IP.

I hate this ******* disease.

Oh, and I had someone I'm "acquaintance friends" with tell me today that she "totally knows what it's like" and she's sure it'll improve soon. And suggested I try a weighted blanket.

Are you ******* kidding me?!?!!

First off, no, she does NOT know what it's like. sorry, but when your **** (I asked what her diagnoses were and she said she had never felt the need to get professional treatment for her anxiety. Which indicates to me that it's not the same. Period) is managed by a weighted blanket and you're proudly (mockingly, tauntingly) "drug free", no, you do NOT know what this is like. She's never even been hospitalized for ****s sake. Why I shared with her is beyond me, but likely because we had a play date for our kids and agitation is not something I'm able to hide very well. Or at all. Plus I have no filtering capability at present. And she was, like, you seem really intense today. Is there something wrong?

Yes, there's something wrong! And sharing your strategies for dealing with your non-medication-needing non-existent diagnosis is tone deaf as hell.


This is long and I'm tired of typing. Anyone who's out there, I appreciate you reading if you did. Sometimes I feel like I'm just screaming into a void or a black hole.
Jeez, Peri. I'm sending love, hugs, and comfort your way.
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  #2334  
Old 01-11-19, 12:07 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

peri

I don't personally know what you are going through, but I do know about sleep
deprivation. The psych finally convinced me to take Trazadone and I finally had
some idea of what it's like to be able to go back to sleep when I wake up at 1 am
or 3 am or 5 am. He prescribed the same med for my granddaughter who was
able to go to sleep but could only sleep 3 or 4 hours, which means the rest of
the family didn't get any more sleep than she did.

Fingers crossed you can get some sleep.
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ADD is not a problem of knowing what to do; it is a problem of doing what you know.
-RUSSELL A. BARKLEY, PH.D.


As far as I know, there is nothing positive about ADHD that people can't have w out ADHD. ~ ADD me
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  #2335  
Old 01-11-19, 02:28 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I want to be able to tell Apple how crappy and ineffective their whole "screen time" thing is. I don't know if it's effective for parents with their kids, but if you're trying to limit your own personal distractions, it is useless. I can just freakin tell it "15 more minutes pleeeassee" and it's like, ok!! But what really makes me so mad is they disabled apps that WERE actually effective at blocking distractions. At first I was like, "oh cool, Apple maybe cares a teeny tiny little bit about phones being addicting" and then I realized it would not actually work for people who actually struggle with this, but I thought, ah well, that's ok, I've got Freedom. Didn't need the Screen Time thing anyways. Only to find, Freedom does not work anymore. ****. Apple you are such a piece of ****.

I know I should just be able to not click "15 more minutes" but that's not how I work. Ever. I've always needed some pretty robust ways to block things. But it's not just that, it's that I need something that I can make specific, so it doesn't impede my ability to get actual work done, and also that I can't just override (for example, by going to settings and turning it off!!! Which is all you have to do with the screen time thing.) Heeeelp.
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Old 01-11-19, 03:27 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Maybe Peri can do something calming like paint by numbers ,puzzles coloring crocheting when she can't sleep.or maybe listening to nature sounds the ocean etc.i can't stand people like that they tell ya I totally understand oh so u have ADHD too?! Naw my 2nd nice I see twice a year has it.man GTFO of here you don't understand squat n don't even live it!
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Old 01-11-19, 04:04 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

After all , trying to rehabilitate myself
my soul is wounded like i have never experienced in my life :/
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Old 01-11-19, 04:06 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
Since Sunday night I've gotten a total seven point five hours of sleep. In order to get the three point five I got last night I had to drug the hell out of myself. I took the maximums on everything (plus, yes, psychiatrist approved, "crisis plan" dosages of my PRNs) and I'm barely holding it together. I went to IOP group today and basically had rolling panic attacks the whole time. My ideation is full time at this point, too. I don't know what to do and I'm quickly losing hope I'll be able to get it under control.

I was so hoping to cut back on my meds and now I'm worried if this continues much longer I'm going to end up IP. I'm so agitated I come off looking like a meth addict and it's a struggle to leave my house during daylight hours. Though I have been running every morning at 5:15 AM. I mean, I am doing all of the sleep hygiene things and grounding exercises and if I listed my meds you'd think I was trying to drug a brontosaurus. You know what? **** it. I'll tell you the list so you can see how out of control it is right now.

Usually I take:
300 mg clozaril (divided dosage 100 AM and 200 PM)
15 mg zyprexa
1000 mg metformin
80 Prozac
2 mg Ativan (1 mg BID)

Last night?
All 300 clozaril in PM
15 mg zyprexa
1000 metformin
Prozac is in the AM, so none last night but yes 80 yesterday AM
4 mg Ativan over the course of the day
3 mg klonipin (with PM meds)
An ambien when two hours after all the above I was still hyper alert with no signs of tiring...I have no idea what that dosage is because it's my "all hell may break loose if I don't sleep PRN"

I mean, what the ****?!?!!

I told them at group today that I need to either unzip and remove my skin suit or turn my body inside out. Constantly. The other ideal scenario would be exploding into billions of bits so there's fresh air surrounding each cell of my body and be diffused into the atmosphere.

I can't drink alcohol with the meds when I'm taking these high dosages of them, so that's out. I can't try recreational or medical cannabis because, though legal and ubiquitous in SF, my psychiatrist thinks it's a bad idea for me and I told him I'd leave it alone. Melatonin is a ******* joke, guided meditation makes me just writhe in agony trying to "let thoughts pass through, acknowledging but not attaching to them".

There was one time when I had super bad akathisia from prolixin depot that I ended up being prescribed a barbiturate. Literally *a* barbiturate...one pill of something I don't remember the name of but I'd been awake for days and totally chewed up my tongue and could barely swallow my own saliva because I'd bitten it so many times (by the way, that's how I know I'm in a bad way...when I've picked my lips until they bleed and/or my tongue is a wreck). Anyway, that pill worked. I was out cold for, like, ten hours.

Jaysus I'm sure I've overshared in this post, but **** it. Nobody's reading this anyway.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow to sit with me because m has school but he's worried. My psychiatrist is out on holiday until the 21st, which is when my next appointment is...there's always another psychiatrist covering when he's out and I've thought about asking whomever for one of those barbiturates, but I'm afraid they'll be, like, check yourself into the ER and get a bed IP.

I hate this ******* disease.

Oh, and I had someone I'm "acquaintance friends" with tell me today that she "totally knows what it's like" and she's sure it'll improve soon. And suggested I try a weighted blanket.

Are you ******* kidding me?!?!!

First off, no, she does NOT know what it's like. sorry, but when your **** (I asked what her diagnoses were and she said she had never felt the need to get professional treatment for her anxiety. Which indicates to me that it's not the same. Period) is managed by a weighted blanket and you're proudly (mockingly, tauntingly) "drug free", no, you do NOT know what this is like. She's never even been hospitalized for ****s sake. Why I shared with her is beyond me, but likely because we had a play date for our kids and agitation is not something I'm able to hide very well. Or at all. Plus I have no filtering capability at present. And she was, like, you seem really intense today. Is there something wrong?

Yes, there's something wrong! And sharing your strategies for dealing with your non-medication-needing non-existent diagnosis is tone deaf as hell.


This is long and I'm tired of typing. Anyone who's out there, I appreciate you reading if you did. Sometimes I feel like I'm just screaming into a void or a black hole.


i hope you will be better to peri :/
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Old 01-11-19, 04:13 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I feel like a man who lost everything, has to start from zero

but i also want to do self-pity, mourn-myself
it is weird but i already do these things sometime

last months were like biggest trauma ever i experienced in my life :/
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Old 01-11-19, 05:34 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

What do y'all do when you need or just want to talk to someone as in socialization n either no one's around or people are acting stodgy n seem like they don't wanna be bothered w you ?
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