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  #2341  
Old 01-11-19, 06:00 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Bother people on social media until they make it clear they're not all that interested either and then heaven knows I'm miserable now.

D.
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  #2342  
Old 01-11-19, 07:12 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I'm a screw up when it comes to being social because I don't want to be lonley or by myself but when I have the chance I either shutdown or don't wanna deal w people myself for some odd reason .real sad sack I am
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  #2343  
Old 01-11-19, 08:35 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I think, I suffer from social irritation. A new disorder, I just discovered. I get irritated and frustrated trying to socialize with most groups that are more than two people.

I usually have social anxiety prior to a social event and a feeling of dread. That feeling usually, quickly changes to irritation, once Iím there and itís begun. Small talk seems like such a waste of time.

Small talk soon becomes difficult if not painful for me and thatís when feeling irritated begins. Irritation usually gets worse whenever, I attempt to have a ďrealĒ conversation. Usually, nobody is interested in any topic for long. They give it about 2 minutes, if Iím lucky.

They are more interested in small talk and joking around only. I then feel more uncomfortable and irritated being there. After about 5 mins. of small talk, Iím ready to roll if thereís no more substance to socializing than that.
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  #2344  
Old 01-11-19, 09:16 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
Since Sunday night I've gotten a total seven point five hours of sleep. In order to get the three point five I got last night I had to drug the hell out of myself. I took the maximums on everything (plus, yes, psychiatrist approved, "crisis plan" dosages of my PRNs) and I'm barely holding it together. I went to IOP group today and basically had rolling panic attacks the whole time. My ideation is full time at this point, too. I don't know what to do and I'm quickly losing hope I'll be able to get it under control.

I was so hoping to cut back on my meds and now I'm worried if this continues much longer I'm going to end up IP. I'm so agitated I come off looking like a meth addict and it's a struggle to leave my house during daylight hours. Though I have been running every morning at 5:15 AM. I mean, I am doing all of the sleep hygiene things and grounding exercises and if I listed my meds you'd think I was trying to drug a brontosaurus. You know what? **** it. I'll tell you the list so you can see how out of control it is right now.

Usually I take:
300 mg clozaril (divided dosage 100 AM and 200 PM)
15 mg zyprexa
1000 mg metformin
80 Prozac
2 mg Ativan (1 mg BID)

Last night?
All 300 clozaril in PM
15 mg zyprexa
1000 metformin
Prozac is in the AM, so none last night but yes 80 yesterday AM
4 mg Ativan over the course of the day
3 mg klonipin (with PM meds)
An ambien when two hours after all the above I was still hyper alert with no signs of tiring...I have no idea what that dosage is because it's my "all hell may break loose if I don't sleep PRN"

I mean, what the ****?!?!!

I told them at group today that I need to either unzip and remove my skin suit or turn my body inside out. Constantly. The other ideal scenario would be exploding into billions of bits so there's fresh air surrounding each cell of my body and be diffused into the atmosphere.

I can't drink alcohol with the meds when I'm taking these high dosages of them, so that's out. I can't try recreational or medical cannabis because, though legal and ubiquitous in SF, my psychiatrist thinks it's a bad idea for me and I told him I'd leave it alone. Melatonin is a ******* joke, guided meditation makes me just writhe in agony trying to "let thoughts pass through, acknowledging but not attaching to them".

There was one time when I had super bad akathisia from prolixin depot that I ended up being prescribed a barbiturate. Literally *a* barbiturate...one pill of something I don't remember the name of but I'd been awake for days and totally chewed up my tongue and could barely swallow my own saliva because I'd bitten it so many times (by the way, that's how I know I'm in a bad way...when I've picked my lips until they bleed and/or my tongue is a wreck). Anyway, that pill worked. I was out cold for, like, ten hours.

Jaysus I'm sure I've overshared in this post, but **** it. Nobody's reading this anyway.

I have a friend coming over tomorrow to sit with me because m has school but he's worried. My psychiatrist is out on holiday until the 21st, which is when my next appointment is...there's always another psychiatrist covering when he's out and I've thought about asking whomever for one of those barbiturates, but I'm afraid they'll be, like, check yourself into the ER and get a bed IP.

I hate this ******* disease.

Oh, and I had someone I'm "acquaintance friends" with tell me today that she "totally knows what it's like" and she's sure it'll improve soon. And suggested I try a weighted blanket.

Are you ******* kidding me?!?!!

First off, no, she does NOT know what it's like. sorry, but when your **** (I asked what her diagnoses were and she said she had never felt the need to get professional treatment for her anxiety. Which indicates to me that it's not the same. Period) is managed by a weighted blanket and you're proudly (mockingly, tauntingly) "drug free", no, you do NOT know what this is like. She's never even been hospitalized for ****s sake. Why I shared with her is beyond me, but likely because we had a play date for our kids and agitation is not something I'm able to hide very well. Or at all. Plus I have no filtering capability at present. And she was, like, you seem really intense today. Is there something wrong?

Yes, there's something wrong! And sharing your strategies for dealing with your non-medication-needing non-existent diagnosis is tone deaf as hell.

This is long and I'm tired of typing. Anyone who's out there, I appreciate you reading if you did. Sometimes I feel like I'm just screaming into a void or a black hole.
Peri. You aren't posting to a void. We hear you.
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  #2345  
Old 01-12-19, 04:42 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Yes Greyhound that's how I feel too .I'll be trying to explain a story situation after 2 minutes their trying to change the story interrupt etc.ill be like for God's sake who really has add here?!
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  #2346  
Old 01-12-19, 06:45 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by Rebelyell View Post
What do y'all do when you need or just want to talk to someone as in socialization n either no one's around or people are acting stodgy n seem like they don't wanna be bothered w you ?
Shame we're 14 hours apart. Makes conversation hard coz of work and making dinner and stuff. Sometimes I talk when I'm meant to be working and worry that the boss sees me on my phone too much
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  #2347  
Old 01-12-19, 09:01 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

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Originally Posted by Rebelyell View Post
Yes Greyhound that's how I feel too .I'll be trying to explain a story situation after 2 minutes their trying to change the story interrupt etc.ill be like for God's sake who really has add here?!
I feel ya Rebs. Iíve said that for years. Anytime, I try to have a conversation in a social setting itís as if the roles reverse. I can feel them fidgeting, losing eye contact and interest within moments. I can be in the middle of a sentence and someone else may come up and say hello and my time is suddenly up. Itís so frustrating!
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  #2348  
Old 01-12-19, 11:54 AM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Holy. CRAP!

Never in my life did I think Iíd find another person who feels/thinks EXACTLY like I do!!!!

So-this isnít quite what I had planned for my first post on here but I guess Iíll get to the particulars later. Haha

Greyhound, you just described ME. Iíll go one step further though.

I find idle chit chat and sharing of all those superficial pleasantries people do in social settings such a ******* waste of time. I find small talk phony...and I HATE phony! I live in the south and donít know if other places do this, but I want to run screaming when it happensóWhen a group of women get together they all start squealing and hugging/patting backs/air kissing. I get SO DAMN UNCOMFORTABLE. First, Iím just not a hugger...I save physical contact for those I love. Second, I just donít get it. It all seems so superficially FAKE. I guess itís my own personality flaw.

I hate it when someone asks, ďHow are you?Ē, and they keep walking. Donít ******* ask if you donít care enough to hear the answer! People seem genuinely shocked when I say something like Hi, howís your day going, and actually wait for their answer. I donít just throw out **** just to say ****. If Iím talking to you, Iím invested in the conversation! If Iím not speaking to you itís because I donít care to. I wonít bother with the superficial crap. Actually, I find it offensive when someone asks me something like that and doesnít stay for my answer.

This is really turning into what seems like a Negative Nancy post. That wasnít my intention, I promise! Iím really not a negative person!

Let me just get one more thing off my chest and Iíll wrap it up. This is turning into one helluva first post. Giggle

Another thing I hate about social situations (like at a party where people ďmingleĒ) is when I try to have a conversation with someone. Iíve come to realize that I just think more deeply about things than most people. Unfortunately that means Iíll get into the minutiae of a subject. Problem is, people donít really want to talk seriously about anything. I see their eyes start to look around the room. They get a bit fidgety. At 50, Iíve finally learned to just say (to myself) **** IT. I end the conversation and walk away. This always sends me into the uncomfortable wallflower mode and I just want to ******* RUN outta there.

Whew. That was a lot. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Thanks for letting me get all of that off my chest. Iíve never shared that with anyone except my husbandówho is a saint for sticking it out with me for 29 years!

(I guess I shoulda read up on forum rules about cussing. I guess those words will be Xíd out if itís not ok)

Kasie
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  #2349  
Old 01-12-19, 12:07 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Welcome to the forum Kasie B.

I enjoy one-on-one conversation, at least for a few minutes, as long as there
isn't a lot of background stuff going on. Like other conversations that make it
difficult to hear and to focus on what the other person says. I have found that
in any group of 4 or more people at some point one of the people gets tired of
taking turns talking and begins a conversation with one of the people who isn't
already talking. UGH.
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  #2350  
Old 01-12-19, 01:27 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

Welcome to the forums kasie.i find it very rude n disrespectful.i was at my boys sister's house for xmas.i was telling them bout when my car got stolen there like did they find the thief.it was in great detail I was trying to explain family members came in interrupted n I never got the chance to finish.im like just fn forget it w an emphasis on fn.i don't know why people do this to me or us? It's like they just only wanna hear themselves talk or something very narcissistic like.well ya have me to talk to on Facebook Tudor it's hard but better then nothing I suppose.
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Old 01-12-19, 01:48 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

It's a double edged sword because when I isolate I get more depressed but when I try to socialize n it goes sideways it's like back full circle to depression.its like siiigh why do I even try or bother?
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Old 01-12-19, 04:14 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I want to sleep.


I'm home, subdued lighting. A quick burrito-like wrap in the Leopard.
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  #2353  
Old 01-12-19, 05:12 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

I don't want you to go...

I had a dream, and I hugged my mom...something I never did...and I told her that I didn't want her to go.
And she told me okay.
And we were both crying, but trying to hide it.

And I woke up and or a second everything in the world felt right again.
Only then I realized that she's gone...and she can't stay.

And I've been so depressed all day. I can't snap out of it...nothing feels good. My adderally didn't do **** for me.

I've been weepig and crying on and off. Tears are st about to spill over down my cheekrs right now.

I wish I could give her a hug

Damn it.
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Old 01-12-19, 05:22 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

s psycho
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Old 01-12-19, 05:54 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

{{{{{ psycho }}}}}

Tomorrow will be a new day. You'll still miss your mom.
But I hope you can also be happy.
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