How do you build self confidence?

[Funky1]

This is a constant struggle for me. I know I'm a great guy, I know I'm attractive and intelligent and have so much to offer people... But my lack of confidence has been holding me back pretty much my entire life. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm better than my brain allows me to think, I still get stuck in the same ruts. Probably a good part of the reason why I'm still single at 40 years old, and I'm sure it contributed to my chaotic employment history through the years as well, though my confidence when it comes to work is definitely much better than confidence in my personal life. I've had a couple therapist give me some strategies to try and combat this, but nothing seems to give me the results I'm wishing for.

[Daniel1970]

Originally Posted by Funky1

This is a constant struggle for me. I know I'm a great guy, I know I'm attractive and intelligent and have so much to offer people... But my lack of confidence has been holding me back pretty much my entire life. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm better than my brain allows me to think, I still get stuck in the same ruts. Probably a good part of the reason why I'm still single at 40 years old, and I'm sure it contributed to my chaotic employment history through the years as well, though my confidence when it comes to work is definitely much better than confidence in my personal life. I've had a couple therapist give me some strategies to try and combat this, but nothing seems to give me the results I'm wishing for.

I think "some strategies to try" is like putting a band aid on a serious wound.

I would recommend finding a dating coach who is going to put in some serious work with you on building your core confidence, identifying and overcoming internal barriers and self-sabotage, overcoming fear, and finding your purpose, things that will make you truly attractive to a woman.

I think therapists are great for mental illness, but it sounds like what you're really talking about is dating and women, and there is a whole cottage industry that has sprung up lately of dating coaches who go beyond the old "pick up artist" crap and work with men on their "inner game", developing the inner strength, purpose, and unshakable self-confidence that truly draws interesting women to you.

Go on YouTube and google and see what's out there. From what I understand, it takes work, and it's not free, but seems to get good results.

Daniel

[sarahsweets]

Another thing I mean to mention- and those who know me may remember this- anyone who doesn't like me or what I stand for can go f**k themselves. Inside I know my motives and I know that I am not a horrible person (I have terrible moments but I am not a terrible person) and I had to learn this about myself. I have beeb a member of this forum for..omg 8 years now??!! And way back in the beginning I was not sober, I had never been on a forum and I was way less tolerant- almost controversial. Ask anyone who has been around for awhile. I started posts that were outrageous and was judgmental. I was not tolerant. I forgot that my fellow humans had feelings too and I was not so good with compassion. This was because I was under the influence a lot and not mentally well.

[Daniel1970]

Hello! Anyone who is interested in the Confidence Cheat Sheet I got online off of a really good YouTube series, please PM me with your email address and I'll email it to you. It is 8 MB so too big to post here.

Anyone who is not interested, no biggee. It's got some really good instructions on how to build core confidence. You just have to put them into practice with some consistency. They are mainly geared towards men, but there are definitely some things that can be implemented by women.

Kind regards,
Daniel

[Greyhound1]

Originally Posted by DanielGM1970

Hello! Anyone who is interested in the Confidence Cheat Sheet I got online off of a really good YouTube series, please PM me with your email address and I'll email it to you. It is 8 MB so too big to post here.

Anyone who is not interested, no biggee. It's got some really good instructions on how to build core confidence. You just have to put them into practice with some consistency. They are mainly geared towards men, but there are definitely some things that can be implemented by women.

Kind regards,
Daniel

Hi Daniel,
You are free to post a link here to the YouTube series. As long as the video isn’t trying to sell or market a product or service, it’s fine to post.

Our software here is a bit quirky with YouTube links. With a YouTube link it’s necessary to remove the “s” from “https” at the beginning of the link. Just make it “http” and it should work fine.

I hope that simplifies things a bit for sharing info about the Confidence Cheat Sheet.

Cheers,
Hound.

[Daniel1970]

AH! Found the cheat sheet:

It's at a site called "The Attractive Man" and the title of it is "18 Scientific Ways To Improve Your Confidence Around Beautiful Women". (It requires you to give them your e-mail address to download it.)

Please let me know if this helped anyone. There are a lot of resources on YouTube for things like building self-confidence, body language, social cues, etc. Motivational speeches (there's an amazing one by Matthew McConaughey!) and self-improvement videos up the wazoo. You just have to search for them, and be proactive. Taking action is the only way you are going to improve things, in my experience. Action trumps anxiety and doubt every time!

Good luck, all.

Daniel

[Daniel1970]

I thought I'd revisit this thread with some thoughts on conversation skills that I have gathered through some internet research and personal experience. Just a list I came up with for myself on things to keep in mind when having a conversation, especially with a female. Hope they help someone:

1. Masculine stillness. This is so important. Most guys, especially when nervous or distracted, tend to fidget or jump around or rock on their heels, etc. etc. This is a big negative when talking to anyone and presenting yourself in the best light. What is masculine stillness? It doesn't mean standing rigid like a board, but you have to have the knowledge that it's perfectly ok to not really move all that much, keep eye contact, and talk. Put your hands casually in your pockets if you need to, and just be present. The more you fidget, the less confidence the other person is going to have in you. This is actually the #1 thing to work on, because everything else flows from this.
2. Smile a natural smile. You probably have a nice smile! Smile when it's appropriate. You're not a lawyer in a murder case. Despite what whitening strip commercials will tell you, people don't really care if your teeth are perfectly straight or white. They'll still like your smile.
3. Appropriate eye contact. Don't stare holes into the other person's eyes, but don't stare at your shoes either. I find that it helps to look in someone's eyes for a while, then glance away periodically. This takes practice.
4. Open body language. Open stance of your feet, face the person, lean in slightly. I sometimes cross my arms over my chest when it makes me feel more comfortable or masculine, but in general you want to keep arms and legs uncrossed. You don't want the person you are talking to feel like you are blocking them out physically because you are so uncomfortable talking to them. Btw, if the other person has big-time closed body language and are not looking you in the eye, they may not be interested in talking to you.
5. Appropriate touch to direct attention. This is more for M-F interaction. It helps, if you're a guy and have gotten some signals that she's interested in you (like a smile and eye contact and touching her hair), that you touch her on the arm, etc. Don't crush her to you with a grip around the shoulders, but if she has a cool tattoo she's showing you, touch it. Or put your hand gently on her shoulder for a bit. Or turn her by the shoulders gently to point out the cool part of the scenery you're talking about. High five her. If you've met before, give her a (not too long) tight hug by way of greeting. (By the way, wimpy hugs where you are standing about three feet from her and patting her on the back suck.) This is a tough one. There are some really good videos on YouTube on how to do this that probably explain it a lot better than I'm doing here.
6. Have confidence. By this I don't mean cockiness or puffing yourself up. I mean just realize that you are enough, and just be fully yourself. If the person doesn't like you for who you are, move on to someone who does. All human beings have worth, including you, and anyone who doesn't see that isn't worth your time. Even if they are hot. I'm serious.
7. Slow down, don't over-talk someone (that is, wait for them to finish their thought before you reply), and let the conversation breathe!
8. Pay attention to them and care about what they're saying. If you really couldn't care less about what they are saying, maybe politely end the conversation and move on to someone you actually have something in common with.
9. Don't rush to end the conversation! It was your idea to talk to this person, so relax and enjoy the conversation!!
10. Most conversations come to a natural conclusion. Pay attention to when this is and move on, elegantly - this takes practice, and it helps to slow down when you're ending a conversation so that it isn't awkward and rushed. If it's a stranger that you'd like to see again, say so and ask if you can have their phone number. "Hey, you're pretty cool. We should hang out sometime. Could I have your number?" The worst they can do is say "no".

One thing to also keep in mind, that often plagues people with ADHD, is: sometimes the conversation naturally moves on from a topic when you still feel you have something to say about it, or are just dying to say. To be a good conversationalist, it's important to learn how to let go of that thing you're just dying to say. If the conversation moves on to another topic, it's going to be really awkward if you insist on saying "just one more thing" about something when everyone else has moved on. I know this is hard, but it's about serving the conversation more than serving yourself.

Hope this helps someone!
Daniel

[20thcenturyfox]

I don't know if it would ease OP's distress to know that some people think Self-Confidence (and his dim-witted brother Self-Esteem) have been completely oversold.

Yes, a lot of people, especially in an age of social media, fall for their superficial charm. And, of course, many outwardly confident people may also have genuine skills, character, judgement, empathy, determination, humour, finesse or any of the other real qualities you want in a friend, partner, or employee.

But in my experience it is not rare at all to find over-confident people who--apparently--have little else going for them except ego, entitlement, and self-esteem not balanced by esteem for anyone else! There is never going to be any win-win for anyone who falls for empty self-confidence.

At the same time there are many quality individuals--decent, hard-working, reliable, respectful, kindhearted, maybe even with exceptional talents, intelligence or leadership they have worked to develop--who are not bristling with outward confidence. When you befriend, marry or hire one of these latter people, and appreciate their true worth, you have struck gold.

Of course, I could just be an old dinosaur. But I would say you will go farther in life, and associate with better people, by working first on your capabilities and character, and cultivating an appreciation for the underlying capabilities and character of others, than by chasing after outward "self-confidence."

Just my opinion.