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  #1  
Old 03-31-12, 02:37 AM
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Arrow Searching for the Right Steps to Know I知 Good Enough

I have trouble accepting myself and often push too far. I go to extreme lengths to prove something and will perform behaviors to garner acceptance. Accomplishments are not good enough. I have to do more.

Examples:
  • Someone does something nice for me, and I'll thank them. However, a thank you isn't enough. I'll think about what else I can do to show my appreciation.
  • I bench pressed 235lbs once, but I have a lingering feeling that it痴 not good enough.
  • I graduated Magna Cum Laude and often find little satisfaction.

Nothing is good enough, and I'm worn out. Exhausted.

I'm wondering what you do or say to yourselves that help you know you are good enough. How do you judge what's good enough? Is there such a thing as good enough?

What are the steps I need to take to have some satisfaction in what I do? I know I'm a good person. I know I'm smart and loving. I know that I'm caring.

Someone has already told me on this site that I知 good enough, but I知 not sure I believe it. Maybe I need to hear it some more (not after an ego boost). Maybe I need convincing.

Please post comments sensitive to my needs as a member.
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  #2  
Old 03-31-12, 02:42 AM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know I知 Good Enough

What is "good enough?" Good enough for who? I doubt I could ever feel as though I'm "good enough," if "good enough" means that there is no need to be better. There's always room for improvement. But if you mean "good enough" to not hate yourself, then... I want to say most people are good enough.
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Old 03-31-12, 02:42 AM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know I知 Good Enough

I'm trying to think of a good answer, but I am much like you. In constant motion with goals to achieve and people to please.

I can say that I always appreciate your posts and think you have extremely valuable things to say.

Maybe some day we will figure out that we are as great as our friends and family say we are....

Maybe there is another piece missing that we've not figured out yet.
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Old 03-31-12, 03:02 AM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know I知 Good Enough

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What is "good enough?" Good enough for who? I doubt I could ever feel as though I'm "good enough," if "good enough" means that there is no need to be better. There's always room for improvement. But if you mean "good enough" to not hate yourself, then... I want to say most people are good enough.
There are times in life when you did the very best you could do. Maybe the outcome wasn't what you hoped. Maybe the result lacked perfection. However, you and your actions were good enough. I don't think that way.

You cannot do any better than your best. I like to use the analogy of a bottle of water. An empty bottle of water can only be filled up so much right? If you pour water into it and don't stop, eventually it will spill over onto the sides. The point at the very top, where if you went anymore it would spill over, is good enough.

I'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts and feelings. I guess I'm crafting a working definition.
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Old 03-31-12, 03:18 AM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know I知 Good Enough

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Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd View Post
There are times in life when you did the very best you could do. Maybe the outcome wasn't what you hoped. Maybe the result lacked perfection. However, you and your actions were good enough. I don't think that way.

You cannot do any better than your best. I like to use the analogy of a bottle of water. An empty bottle of water can only be filled up so much right? If you pour water into it and don't stop, eventually it will spill over onto the sides. The point at the very top, where if you went anymore it would spill over, is good enough.

I'm having a hard time articulating my thoughts and feelings. I guess I'm crafting a working definition.
Hmm. I don't know that I've ever done my "best" at anything.
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Old 03-31-12, 03:25 AM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know I知 Good Enough

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Hmm. I don't know that I've ever done my "best" at anything.
You can only do your best when your doing, but you can always work on improving what your best is.
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Old 03-31-12, 06:00 AM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know I知 Good Enough

I'm personally never satisfied, I get what many call a chronic divine dissatisfaction in most things I do. It doesn't matter how well I do on something, my mind is jumping to the next thing and trying to figure out ways to do it better.

Throughout my life I've learned that many people whom I really respect have a higher opinion of me than I do. That always stuns me, but somewhere in my early twenties I realized that I had developed a confidence in certain areas.

I still don't feel good enough though, I just have moments where I feel very connected to the world and in those moments I feel we are all good enough, perfect actually.

But I would go nuts if I was perfect, I need things to work on.

As far as I'm concerned you're beyond good enough, you have very insightful posts that help a lot of people. You're striving to better yourself, you're beyond good enough but I think we get bored with "good enough".

What happens when I become good enough? do I get a gold watch? I guess the question is what do you feel is good enough for YOU and only YOU? As you change your opinion of yourself other's opinions of you change too (as long as you're being honest with yourself) and vice versa.

I think it's up to us to define our value and live up to our potential, don't sell yourself short. (I don't think you are, you're seeking to improve, that in my mind is an indication of value).
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Last edited by ADDinHDefgHi?!; 03-31-12 at 06:04 AM.. Reason: my post wasn't good enough, still isn't but I'll get stuck if I keep editing.
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Old 03-31-12, 08:27 AM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know Im Good Enough

(((hugs))) Anon I'm so sorry you feel this way.

I didn't start believing I was good enough until last year when I got really sick and everyone gave me so much support.

I finally realised that I was accepted and appreciated the way I am. Something finally clicked.

You know in your head that you're good enough. I'm not sure what I can say to make your heart believe it.
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Old 03-31-12, 11:27 AM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know I

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(((hugs))) Anon I'm so sorry you feel this way.

I didn't start believing I was good enough until last year when I got really sick and everyone gave me so much support.

I finally realised that I was accepted and appreciated the way I am. Something finally clicked.

You know in your head that you're good enough. I'm not sure what I can say to make your heart believe it.
I know about your sickness. I'm glad you have such an awesome attitude. Maybe I'll pick that up from you.

I don't know that I could ever count on people in my life to provide that for me. Can I?

My dad and I have been having heart to heart conversations in recent days. He told me after my aunt died that he knew I was going to be successful.
I told him,"dad, I already am successful." I truly believe that because of what I know about ADD.

For my family, what you do is more important than who you are. I don't agree. Even in the letter my dad wrote to me for my birthday, it speaks to what I do.

Here's a snippet:
Quote:
This past year, I saw you struggle and at the same time do things that you never thought you could do. Your schoolwork, and even more important the way your writing has continued to keep you so busy. I wish I could express to you how proud I am.
Maybe the piece that's missing is my realization of how people feel about me. I've closed myself off from feeling some things, I think.

I think my mom loves me in some f'd up way but hers is attached to how supportive I am toward her and her beliefs regarding my dad. Although, I can remember her telling me to "always remember that I love you."
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Old 03-31-12, 01:27 PM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know I知 Good Enough

self acceptance means acknowledging that you are as you are and being fine with that. It doesn't mean liking every aspect of yourself.

Some attributes can't be changed, that is something to accept.


Self acceptance doesn't mean giving up on yourself, it means you're able to move forward and work towards changing what you care to and not spending pointless time and energy on things you can't.
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Old 03-31-12, 01:33 PM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know I知 Good Enough

Anon, I think you and me are cut from the same wood. Whatever I do or say I never feels its good enough and I always debrief myself to figure out what I could have done better.

Only to repeat many of the same mistakes later of course. So now I am trying to learn to go easier on myself, with some degree of mixed success.
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Old 03-31-12, 01:41 PM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know I知 Good Enough

I am, what has been called, a frustrated perfectionist. I push and push myself for better and perfect and knowledge for "everything"... It's awfully annoying and stressful for me. The only thing I have found that alleviates my own personal perfectionist tendencies is the fact that I like myself more now than I ever remember before. Liking me has helped with some of the need to be perfect. Not sure why.

*hugs*
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Old 03-31-12, 02:52 PM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know I知 Good Enough

Anon, I can relate. I never feel that anything I do is good enough or that I am good enough in any way. It doesn't help that the people around me are really critical and expect me to be pretty much exactly the opposite of what I am.

The problem is that there is no limit to being good enough, isn't it? It's not really a state you can achieve. None of us are perfect, if we are so inclined we can keep trying and trying till we kill ourselves but it still won't be good enough. I suspect even if we were perfect we still wouldn't be happy with ourselves.

I don't know why we are so hard on ourselves. I guess most of us wouldn't expect other people to be perfect in order for us to love them or care for them but we can't extend the same understanding, tolerance and compassion to ourselves.

I've noticed that the most confident and maybe even happy people, are not those that necessarily accomplish amazing things or constantly strive for achievements or improvements in any way but those who can be happy with what they are and what they have, irrespective of how incomplete or little that is.

Before the depression kicked in, I didn't hate myself. I knew I was highly flawed but I still loved myself the way I was. I tried to improve the things I thought I was lacking but I didn't constantly put myself down. I thought I was all right, even with all my flaws.

Sometimes I wonder if we try so hard to perfect ourselves in order to fill some kind of void. As long as you are trying (for something) you can give yourself meaning and purpose, which isn't wrong I think, but it would hugely help if we could be nicer to ourselves in the process. I absolutely need to feel productive, otherwise I'm miserable (or make myself miserable).

Maybe a compromise is to just concentrate on a few areas that you can improve and that really are important to you rather than trying to be perfect all round and in everything.

Quote:
This past year, I saw you struggle and at the same time do things that you never thought you could do. Your schoolwork, and even more important the way your writing has continued to keep you so busy. I wish I could express to you how proud I am.
I know, it sucks when it feels that we need to be a particular way to make other people happy. The perfect relationship is almost as impossible as being a perfect person. I don't know your dad of course (so I might be completely mistaken) but maybe this is his way of saying that he is proud of you regardless. Maybe he just really doesn't know how to express it that way. My parents keep praising things in me that I neither am nor want to be and it hurts and frustrates me too. But I guess just the fact that they are trying to say nice things (even if it's not the things I'd like to hear) means that they do care for me.


Oops, sorry for blabbering. Not sure if this makes a whole lot of sense.
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Old 03-31-12, 03:01 PM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know I知 Good Enough

It's a state of mind.

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Old 03-31-12, 05:08 PM
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Re: Searching for the Right Steps to Know I知 Good Enough

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The problem is that there is no limit to being good enough, isn't it? It's not really a state you can achieve. None of us are perfect, if we are so inclined we can keep trying and trying till we kill ourselves but it still won't be good enough. I suspect even if we were perfect we still wouldn't be happy with ourselves.
I think there is a limit in terms of being good enough. Are you talking about it in terms of people in general or us ADDers.

I don't see good enough involving perfection. I see good enough as a state of satisfaction in spite of the fact that there might be something "wrong."

I'm struggling so much with this concept. I don't know why.
Quote:
I don't know why we are so hard on ourselves. I guess most of us wouldn't expect other people to be perfect in order for us to love them or care for them but we can't extend the same understanding, tolerance and compassion to ourselves.
I was blamed a lot when I was a kid, and my mom was very hard on herself. I think those factors have been involved in my being hard on myself. I agree with you when you talk about us not expecting others to be perfect. I think I am nicer to people than I am to myself.
Quote:
I've noticed that the most confident and maybe even happy people, are not those that necessarily accomplish amazing things or constantly strive for achievements or improvements in any way but those who can be happy with what they are and what they have, irrespective of how incomplete or little that is.
Great point. I agree wholeheartedly. In fact, I'm fairly sure there's a correlation between the people who strive for accomplishing things and low self-esteem. I still don't think there's anything wrong with achieving things.

I love this quote:

At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time.

~Friedrich Nietzsche


^^^^^That helps me stay grounded.
Quote:
Before the depression kicked in, I didn't hate myself. I knew I was highly flawed but I still loved myself the way I was. I tried to improve the things I thought I was lacking but I didn't constantly put myself down. I thought I was all right, even with all my flaws.
I think I was back and forth growing up. I began hating myself when I started working full-time.

I don't know that I've ever felt I was alright. There was always something I was doing wrong. I've had moments of satisfaction in myself, but I think it always has something to do with what I do.

I've always tried to deny my flaws and ignore I had them. Thinking about them would surely bring me down. I have ways to pick myself up now, but I struggle to think that I have flaws. I know I do, but it's hard to accept.
Quote:
Sometimes I wonder if we try so hard to perfect ourselves in order to fill some kind of void. As long as you are trying (for something) you can give yourself meaning and purpose, which isn't wrong I think, but it would hugely help if we could be nicer to ourselves in the process. I absolutely need to feel productive, otherwise I'm miserable (or make myself miserable).
Many people are perfectionists regardless of whether they have ADD. Perfectionism is correlated with low self-esteem too.

One thing I do that really helps is to read compliments that people have said about me. They make me feel much better.
Quote:
Maybe a compromise is to just concentrate on a few areas that you can improve and that really are important to you rather than trying to be perfect all round and in everything.
^^^^^I like this idea.
Quote:
I know, it sucks when it feels that we need to be a particular way to make other people happy. The perfect relationship is almost as impossible as being a perfect person. I don't know your dad of course (so I might be completely mistaken) but maybe this is his way of saying that he is proud of you regardless. Maybe he just really doesn't know how to express it that way. My parents keep praising things in me that I neither am nor want to be and it hurts and frustrates me too. But I guess just the fact that they are trying to say nice things (even if it's not the things I'd like to hear) means that they do care for me.
Maybe this is part of the problem too. I have had to tweak myself in order to fit in otherwise I'd be isolated from people. I have moments of deep resentment because I can't be the real, unrelenting me. I don't have a choice.

Yea, and I'm grateful that he wrote that to me. It was a nice gesture.
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You must be the person you have never had the courage to be. Gradually, you will discover that you are that person, but until you can see this clearly, you must pretend and invent.

~Paulo Coelho
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