How to discipline daughter?

[sfombom]

I've had full custody over my daughter since she was 12 years old. Her mother doesn't have any contact with her and it's been pretty much just me. She is now 16 years old and I have no idea how to punish her.
She used to be very good until recently, when she's just been acting very difficult.
When I grounded her, she said she liked being at home so it didn't matter. When I took away TV privileges or her cellphone, she said she doesn't care, she never used to have a TV or cellphone before. And it seems like she really doesn't care whenever I do any of that. I don't really know what exactly to do with her, especially when she talks back to me.

What works and what doesn't? What ways should I punish her?

[Lunacie]

Does your daughter have ADHD? Punishment doesn't work well on anyone,
especially not on kids with ADHD. Reinforcing good behavior works better.
And letting them know that if they make bad choices they will have to deal
with the consequences, which is not the same thing as punishment.

Compare that to your work situation. When the boss gets on your case
about something dumb you did, you probably feel ashamed and maybe
angry. If you have to forfeit part of your paycheck or work longer hours to
compensate for the mistake, you may feel like giving up entirely.

But when the boss compliments you on doing a good job, you may work
twice as hard for the next couple of weeks. I know I do.

This link is more for parents of younger kids, but may give you some ideas:
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60130

[ccom5100]

I've gotten great discipline tips from this site: www.empoweringparents.com

Just because your daughter says she doesn't care, that doesn't mean she really doesn't (too many "doesn't" in there, sorry). Anyway, a lot of kids will pretend that they don't care if you take something away from them because they don't want to acknowledge that it affects them. They key to discipline is consistency and holding the child responsible for her actions (whether she has adhd or not).

[Rebelyell]

She cares she just doesnt want to show it and be vunerable.lunacie is right punishment doesnt work for us

[Luvmybully]

Originally Posted by Lunacie

Punishment doesn't work well on anyone,
especially not on kids with ADHD. Reinforcing good behavior works better.
And letting them know that if they make bad choices they will have to deal
with the consequences, which is not the same thing as punishment.

Agree with Lunacie. Especially for a 16 year old.

[silivrentoliel]

My parents used to take away my books, lol. That hurt worse than any other punishment.

[StephenP]

When I was in elementary and high school, and unmedicated, I felt like I had to work harder than everyone else to achieve the same grades. Good grades, not great. Similar to what's already been said, the more praise I received from my parents, the harder I worked.

It wasn't until the later grades, when study habits became more important to success, that my grades started slipping. There just weren't enough hours in the day to make up for my inability to read and simply retain a page of material. When my grades slipped, my parents flipped from encouragement to total wrath. I lost internet and TV a lot, grounded, etc. It had the opposite effect of what they intended. I never responded well to criticism or punishment. Maybe I was too used to all the praise from my teachers and parents for being "smart," but once the punishment and negativity came forward, I lost all motivation to get out of the hole so to speak. The times I did manage to pull up a good grade, I only received a neutral response. It made me bitter. In my mind, success only meant that I'd stop the punishment and criticism because it was clear to me that my good grades had become an expectation rather than something to be proud of.

Having said all that, I agree with the previous poster that she probably does care that she's had these privileges taken away, but admitting it would mean admitting that you have that control over her. I don't think all forms of punishment are bad, but it has to be balanced with positive reinforcement as well. The punishments should be relevant, too. For example, my main distraction when I couldn't bring myself to study anymore, was to mess around on the internet. My parents knew this, and my internet privileges were the first thing to be taken away when my grades slipped. I have to give them credit for that. Less internet would mean more studying... Except that I was undiagnosed ADHD, so I simply found another form of stimulation to distract me from studying. Plus, I knew much more about computers and technology than they did so I could just sneak online and cover my tracks.

You may have to find out what she truly values most. It could be something deeper than technology and socializing. One common punishment I've seen is parents removing the door to their teenager's bedroom if they constantly slam it out of anger. Not sure how I feel about basically removing someone's right to privacy, but if it comes to that, it seems like a pretty effective action.

You could also shoot her laptop:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl1ujzRidmU

[Candlewax]

I can only speak from my experience as being a child, not as a parent. but what is it exactly she does that she needs to be 'punished' for?

seeing as she's 16 and in puberty, she's finding out about the world on her own, making her own mistakes. Of course, again, I don't know what it is she's doing that deserves punishment, but in general I think parents have a hard time of letting go, kids grow up and want to be independent. I think guidance should be given in that process, rather than just trying to repress it. repression usually only makes things worse, it just increases the need to rebel.

oh and as a sidenote, I think some people are especially rebellious and respond bad to repression. others might have a more 'favourable' response to punishment, and are good and obedient children. but do you want your child to be a well-conditioned dog that neatly performs all the tricks or do you want them to discover and explore their own path and try to support them with that.

of course it isn't as black and white as that, but it's something to think about.

[tripleE]

".....oh and as a sidenote, I think some people are especially rebellious and respond bad to repression"

Agree w/Candlewax on that - I am one, as is my DH as was our niece that lived with us at age 15 - for only a year - due to all of us being such rebels.

Our niece has FASD (which has a lot in common with ADHD) and that year with us was tough. Looking back, a lot of the Empowering Parents info that CCOM referred to would have been very beneficial for that age and for her in particular.

Searching for meaningful consequences can be tough. My niece only cared about her cellphone, nothing else. But then that became a huge source of anger and anxiety when we used that as a consequence. Maybe the trick is to getting them to care.

Sorry not a lot of advice, but certainly a lot of sympathy! If it helps, my niece did graduate and she did become easier to deal with as her "teenage brain" developed. Moving out has not been good for her, but that is the rebel in her and not much we could do to stop that.

[Psyche99]

I'm not in any way saying that she's deppresed but I used to say the same things you mention, mainly to my self so then I would say it believing it was true when it was really just a sign of my depression, and I have heard ADHD kids commonly experience deppresion, I don't mean to worry you just inform you of the possibility, I hope everything goes well. And although I don't believe punishment is the answer, don't feel guilty, you obviously have good intentions.

[AbsentMindProf]

I would echo what others have said. There are some people that do not respond well to punishment. Some are relatively insensitive to it for biological reasons. Often, children like that can be effectively dealt with by rewarding desired behavior. The idea is that reward and punishment are processed by different circuits in the brain. Like any kind of circuit (biological or otherwise), they can be defective in certain persons. If the punishment circuits are underreactive you may be wasting your time trying to use that approach. It would be a little like trying to use an angry facial expression to admonish a blind child.

Of course I don't know your daughter so she might not be one of those people. You would know that best. It's just something I thought I would toss out there in case you think it fits.

There is also the fact that many people with ADHD react poorly to punishment simply because our problems with inattention are often related to the fact that something needs to be highly rewarding to get our attention. The more you punish us for failing to do schoolwork, for example, the more aversive schoolwork becomes -- and that makes it even harder to overcome our deficits. I ran into exactly this problem as a teenager and it nearly ruined my life.

[Rebelyell]

It seemed as a teen the more I got put down and slammed and punished the more belligerent and ODD I got.Not to say at times I damn well deserved to get punished for acting like a snotnose kid.I hated getting Electronically grounded and I lashed out but deep down I was bumming and jonesing to have my nintendo and radio back.