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  #1  
Old 04-16-12, 09:53 AM
belle1 belle1 is offline
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in shock and in need of advice

Thanks for reading....

I met a wonderful man in December who turned out to be ADD. He'd been happily on ritalin for many years and functioning well. Then, without warning and somewhat out of his control, he went cold turkey off his medication. It's a long story but getting a new prescription is proving extremely stressful and challenging. He really wants to be back on the meds! Not only was he suffering terrible withdrawal symptoms, he was having a major identity crisis. He (and everyone around him) liked who he was on ritalin. No one much likes him off ritalin. Including himself. Now he's questioning - who is the real 'me'?
As a result of months of not being able to get his medication, he admitted recently that he's been seeking out illegal alternatives. Part of his personality change made him go from being the perfect boyfriend to the uninterested, distant, cold, unavailable boyfriend. As a result of this change and his fear of dragging me down really dark hole with him, he dumped me. I'd patiently supported him and been completely non-judgemental through all of this, waiting and praying he'd sort the medication issue out and be back to 'normal'. He dumped me before this happened and wants to be 'friends'.

I'm trapped now between being relieved the difficulty is over and devastated because I fell in love with the medicated version of him. He is racked with guilt and is missing me but is still not medicated and as a result, not being particularly accommodating of my need to heal before being 'friends'.

Telling him I needed time made him lash out at me, hurting me further, but his demand to see me on his terms with no pre-arrangement was unacceptable. I had plans already for starters! I also know, that if I'd put the same request to him, he'd have given me quite the telling off for 'telling him what to do'.

Despite this, I grieve for the man I met and adored before all this happened and don't want to cut him off. I feel like I've been punished for being the dutiful, caring girlfriend. I don't want to abandon him because I fear it might send him over the edge and he is a good guy going through a really tough time. But...he's given me a tough time!

I'm torn in two not know whether to bail or wait it out and no one in my circle can advise me because they've no experience of this sort of problem.
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Old 04-16-12, 11:05 AM
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Re: in shock and in need of advice

What illegal alternatives are we talking about?
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Old 04-16-12, 11:10 AM
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Re: in shock and in need of advice

My honest opinion is it's over. He can't handle disappointing you further. Identity crisis for sure, medicated we have abilities to control things that we can't without them. I don't know why he's having such a difficulty getting back on the meds but these are things we all have to face. It's difficult to get the medication we need just to function.

He only has one self, medicated or not.
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Old 04-16-12, 11:12 AM
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Re: in shock and in need of advice

You only met him in december, so you don't know how he was functioning for those years he was on ritalin, you're only taking his word for it. Abruptly going off meds is going to make things much harder for him right now, yes, but he's not a completely different person than he was before. He's still the "man you once knew", he's just in a different place, and you're seeing that he's a more complicated person than you first realized. Everyone - ADD or no- winds up with some crap to deal with every now and then, and some of us don't weather it as well as others. You may have had a similar issue in the future with him on meds too.

So forget the meds, that is out of your control. Assume he's never going to be medicated again. Would you still want to stick this out? A lot of us are unmedicated, or met our partners before being diagnosed, and for whatever reason they still love us, no matter how hard we can be to live with sometimes.
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Old 04-16-12, 11:58 AM
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Re: in shock and in need of advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by belle1 View Post
Thanks for reading....

I met a wonderful man in December who turned out to be ADD. He'd been happily on ritalin for many years and functioning well. Then, without warning and somewhat out of his control, he went cold turkey off his medication. It's a long story but getting a new prescription is proving extremely stressful and challenging. He really wants to be back on the meds!
I am sorry to hear you are going through this. My best advice is to help him get back on the meds, do whatever you can to help him see this through. Help manage the doctors appointment, help with paperwork, and quietly and unobtrusively help him organize so it all gets done. why can he not get meds anymore? financial?

I have found that the people I love (and love me) have been working quietly and inconspicuous behind the scene for years to help me along. It is subtle and largely goes unnoticed by me, but I now know it happens.

Once back on the meds, if he can not show you loyalty, then get far, far, away and don't look back.
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Old 04-16-12, 09:54 PM
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Re: in shock and in need of advice

Thanks guys. In trying to keep the post as brief as possible, I cannot give all the details. There are glimpses of the same man there with or without meds - naturally. That's partly what has kept me around. There are other complications that I cannot and will not discuss on this forum that make it very challenging for him to get back on track medication wise. If I could discreetly support him and make it easier, I'd be doing just that. The fact that I can't help is why I'm on this forum. I want to support him but not at the cost of getting myself hurt and I have no idea what I can do to help. He appears to need my support more than he's willing to openly admit and is consistently apologising to me for the damage already done.

When on medication he was thinking a lifetime with me would be great. Off it, he's thinking he can't. It's really that simple when it comes down to it.
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Old 04-17-12, 01:39 AM
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Re: in shock and in need of advice

Support him as a friend, but ultimately he needs to help himself. Give him your ear and encouragement and be patient but also be realistic about your situation.
You've only known him since December, and frankly, if he started using illegal drugs to self-medicate this soon after stopping the Ritalin, then there is more to the story than you are seeing. Habits don't develop over night and he's getting his drugs from somewhere and they probably have a lot to do with his nasty and cold attitude towards you. How well do you know his friends and his history?

Being without meds can make a big difference in a person, but it seems like there is a whole lot more going on there to me. You haven't known him that long, and he certainly isn't your responsibility. If he gets pushed over the edge, it is NOT your fault. You owe it to your own family to distance yourself from him, if need be, so that he doesn't take you down with him. I get the feeling that you care much more about him than he cares about you. Tread carefully, but be supportive. Keep in mind that you don't know him that well and you don't know what he is capable of.

He's right about "not telling him what to do." He needs to figure that out for himself. If he is trying to fix himself and get help, then he will be having irrational thoughts and even if he recognize them, he will still act on them without the medication. When you give him advice, he is defensive but he is also aware. You are adding insult to injury when you try to give him guidance. If you want to remain with him, supportive doesn't mean trying to fix his problems. Support is listening to what he has to say and challenging those negative, unrealistic thoughts.
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