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Women with ADD/ADHD This forum is for women to discuss issues related to being a woman with AD/HD.

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Old 07-31-08, 10:25 PM
klg117 klg117 is offline
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Angry SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

This is a bit of a rant but I would greatly appreciate any advice from single women who feel the same way I do and who struggle with this....I'm severely ADHD ( predominantly Impulsive-Hyperactive subtype, but definitely inattentive type as well), by the way. I also just previewed this post and I have absolutely no idea what those smily thingys are inb/w each paragraph...I didn't put them there. hmm........

If you’re working, single and have been diagnosed with ADHD more times than you can count (and obviously a woman…), how do any of you deal with the embarrassment of your house always being a mess and in total disarray to the non ADDer public? (If you keep your house clean…kudos to you and please tell me how the hell you manage).
> >
This might sound like a silly thing to worry about but it is of course is just sort of the icing on the cake with all my frustrations with daily life.
> >
I am in my late twenties, dating here and there, but I will not bring anyone to my house until I’ve known them and have been hanging out with A LOT for a minimum of three to four months and then even when I feel like they can accept me, I’m still ashamed. Sometimes I’ll manage to get it clean for their first visit, but in seriously in like, a day, it is a total disaster all over again and it stays that way for at least a month until I go through the same thing again. Even when it’s relatively clean for my standards, it still, to most, looks like it was hit by a tornado. Not to sound sexist, but trying to stick to reality, how am I supposed to bring a guy I’m interested in or have been dating home, and who may be interested in me as a potential wife and mother when I am TERRIFIED, and have learned from past experience, that once they see how chaotic my house/life looks that they are going to have serious doubts about me being a good caretaker/partner???
> >
I have absolutely no desire to be a fifty’s housewife AT ALL, or be the trophy wife or any of that crap, and in reality it is impossible for me to ever be the happy homemaker as I wasn’t born with those particular skills as, it seems, the majority of women are…but I would like to be a wife and mother one day. Let’s face it, in our society, women are still socialized and expected to be the caretaker at home and at the office, and always remember birthdays, and to write all their thank you notes, and so on and so on….I will never be that woman. I’m trying to accept that about me but I don’t think others and really society will let me. Do any of you know what I’m talking about??? For the women who deal with this issue, how do you do it? I constantly feel inferior and inadequate with my ADHD, even with at this stage of my life only being responsible for myself.
> >
What really ****es me off is that I have a lot of single guy friends whose homes seriously look like they should be condemned, but I feel like people just think, “oh they’re guys…they’re just being men. They need a wife to take care of them.” Meanwhile people see my house, especially women and men too, and I seriously feel like an f-ing failure at life because my damn house is unorganized.
> >
I’m speaking in generalized terms, but those of you who go through this know what I’m talking about. Men are not supposed to be good at these things…women are…even if it goes against the entire nature of my being. It is BEYOND frustrating.
> >
I’m exhausted at the end of the day when I finish working (I am on meds btw), but I haven’t accomplished half of what most women accomplish during the day before they’re wiped out. I see women working all day and then at five o’clock they’re off to the grocery to prepare for a meal not only for them, but for an entire family…among other things when they get off work. I am in total AWE of those women. My brain is complete mush at the end of the day, even after I take my 5 PM 10 mg does of adderall. I’m done and completely spent and my brain seriously cannot do anything but shutdown. I live by myself and I’m too tired at the end of the day to plan a meal for myself let alone plan a meal for 3 or four other people…and you can forget picking up around the house. Does anyone else go through this??? If so, how do you deal??? All suggestions, input, etc. would be greatly appreciated.
> >
P.S. I in no way have the financial means to hire an ADHD friendly professional organizer, coach, maid service, etc. which seem to be the only advice ADHD self help books give to deal with this.
> >
I could ask my mom to help me with this stuff but she’s so f-ing critical and compulsively neat and doesn’t work. Even when she sees three dishes in the sink at my place, opposed to the typical 10-20, she freaks out and screams “How can anybody live this way? Why don’t you pick up after yourself?” and blah blah blah. Yes, I’ve had the ADHD talks with her, she is the one who made me get tested the three times that I have been tested and diagnosed in my life because she suspected that I was ADHD, but I think she thinks I should’ve “grown out of it” by now. “Don’t you want to get off meds yet??? You don’t want to be taking these all of your life.” That’s always a fun conversation….ok. Now I really am digressing and ranting. Any and all advice, input, stories etc. are more than welcome and I would so greatly appreciate it. Thanks to everyone.
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Old 08-01-08, 12:02 PM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

I understand! I am twice your age,but have the same problem. I have grand ideas of gettting things organized.

My mother used to always say, "If you could just pick up 20 things!" I apply this approach to my life everyday. This does help me because I think, "If I can do 100 things each day then I am keeping up a little with the mess I make." I count unloading the dishwasher as 10 and same with folding clothes.

I am trying to work, commute an hour and run my own business on the side and can not get it all done. But, the really frustrating thing is my perfectionist mother arrives with her white glove and point out everything that needs to be cleaned. She does not offer to help but feels that I would want to know about every spot I missed.

It is just hard and I can ot imagine how single mothers do it!

Last edited by princessbubble; 08-01-08 at 12:03 PM.. Reason: grammer
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Old 08-01-08, 03:40 PM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

My house will probably never be clean, because I live in it.

I just stopped worrying about it at some point. Now as long as there is no rotting food I feel like the place is fine.
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Old 08-20-08, 06:39 PM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

I live with someone now (who thankfully is a Virgo and doesn't mind lots of housework) but when I lived alone, my apartments were always disaster areas. I mean:

1. Stuff all over the floor of the living area/bedroom - empty bottles, newspapers, clothing, etc.

2. Bathroom sink, tub and toilet filthy.

3. Dishes sitting dirty so long that at least twice I just gave up and threw all of them out.

4. A general level of uncleanliness that caused me to develop allergies and breathing problems.

I can't even tell you how many times I didn't answer the buzzer or told someone "no" when they wanted to come over. The few times I HAD to clean it (like for apartment inspections) it would take about 14 hours to get it into anything like acceptable shape (and these were all tiny studio apartments.
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Old 08-20-08, 07:17 PM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

Just wanted to add one small suggestion - the only way I was ever able to get chores done was to do them first thing in the morning, either before work or on weekends. Obviously, this wasn't nearly enough, but it did allow me to do some things.

I still use this technique when I have stuff I have to do. For instance, we were having a garage sale and I spent two hours before work every morning going through stuff and getting it ready. If I had tried to wait until after work, my pathetic brain just would not have had a chance.
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Old 08-20-08, 09:22 PM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

never ever. seriously. never.
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Old 08-26-08, 06:15 PM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

I think Chartreuse broke into my (tiny studio) apartment and stole my life. LOL. If I were to answer this question, I would write exactly what she did.

I'm in my early 40s, diagnosed a couple of years, and just beginning to figure out how to handle all this. The main thing I've realized is that I need a combination 50s housewife/executive secretary to run my life. Its out there as my long-term goal, and in the meantime, I keep looking for ways to outsource things.

I avoided paying the $3.99 for online bill paying with my bank for the longest time, because I wasn't even spending that much in stamps on my bills every month. But now that I've automated everything, the peace of mind is worth 10 times that.

The next bit of cash that I manage to carve out of my budget is going to a housekeeper. Even if I can't afford everything as first, at least I can get someone to clean. Then when I can afford more, I'll add things like laundry, ironing, changing the sheets, etc.

The bottom line is that I've decided to stop torturing myself and feeling guilty about my incompetence in the household arena, and get someone one to take on the tasks that I can't seem to manage. As you pointed out, only women have the guilt. Men just say "oh well."

Sure, I'd rather spend the money on something else. But this is my reality, and I need to find ways to cope with it.

The next stage after the housework? Getting someone to cook for me (or one of those services)! Maybe a personal secretary for a few hours a week to deal with paperwork, bills, renewals, insurance claims. I think there's some more stuff on my list, but it'll probably be a few decades before I can afford all this, so we'll see where I am when I'm 70.
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Old 08-27-08, 12:19 AM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

Don't feel bad. It's not just single women trust me. It's anyone with ADHD! The funny thing is my house is never clean but I own a cleaning company. Go figure! I just hope a client never comes to my house!
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Old 08-27-08, 12:56 AM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

My house is white trash central - its an absolute sty.

Current affairs shows do expose programs on people who live in filth and I swear those houses look very much like mine.

My family wont visit for this reason. I dont let friends visit.

Its disgusting and I am so ashamed that Im raising my kids in this crap heap, I just cant seem to do anything about it. Even when I do the place is exactly the same within a day or two. My mother could give martha stewart a run for her money on homemaking....but Im just a **** up Im afraid.
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Old 08-27-08, 01:19 AM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

Don't be hard on yourself. I've helped people who's houses were similar to what you describe with a thorough initial cleaning. It probably just got to the point where it is now just too overwhelming. Maybe you can get someone to help you with an initial clean and then come up with a scheduled cleaning routine. Flylady.com has some great tips. I come home everyday to a pig sty, but now I have each of my kids clean a different room in the house every day. I never clean before I go to bed so my house is always a huge mess the next day. Oh well, at least its clean between 5 and 8pm.

Get your kids to clean no matter how old they are. This is good for them, to not have them clean is a detriment to them.

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My house is white trash central - its an absolute sty.

Current affairs shows do expose programs on people who live in filth and I swear those houses look very much like mine.

My family wont visit for this reason. I dont let friends visit.

Its disgusting and I am so ashamed that Im raising my kids in this crap heap, I just cant seem to do anything about it. Even when I do the place is exactly the same within a day or two. My mother could give martha stewart a run for her money on homemaking....but Im just a **** up Im afraid.
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Old 08-27-08, 09:10 AM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

I can relate to you totally because im just the same as you..lol..

but..i live with my mum and she is the same as me, even with 2 of us.. work still never gets done, my mum has more get up and go than me though, she can force herself to clean.. but she only does a bit and never finishes the rest...

i know i should clean, but.. i just find it physically impossible to do it.. its really hard, and after a long day at work, my brains all cabbaged from working in a ****ty job for so long, after it i just wanna go home and chill and do my own thing..

the thing is.. when i do force meself to clean (which could take a few days/weeks to motivate myself) and it looks OK.. then like a few hours later it seems to be messy again, but i am not sure how it gets messy so quick because i don't notice that im messing it up, until the next day and it just looks the same as it did before i cleaned.

working for me, requires so much energy and mental energy.. that i just cant be ****ed doing anything after work..

i used to work 6 hours a day, my head wasnt too bad after i finished work... now i work 9-5 and all i wanna do is get home asap and chill on me own for a bit.. always need to recharge me batterys...

don't worry there is a lot of people out there who know how you feel... you are not on your own.. just try to make the best out of what you do and try to be happy with yourself.

i have not started on meds yet as waiting for an op, but i hope they work for me and give me a bit of organisation in my life.. haha
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Old 08-29-08, 01:43 AM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

I JUST posted about this, but directed to moms and dads to see what others were doing oh and I had a few other questions for parents...

BUT when we do work well in our land of chaos. At night before I sit anywhere, TV, Computer, shower, book, or anything... I spend 30 minutes cleaning SOMETHING.

What I can't figure out is how my step-mom, very ADHD inattentive, has had an immaculate house for 20 years. Well all I ever saw her do was clean, and let's face it if you have ADHD you do what you find interesting or fulfilling, and I don't find cleaning interesting or fulfilling Maybe she does
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Old 08-29-08, 03:00 AM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

I find my house is much easier to keep clean now that my kids live in their own.
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Old 08-29-08, 06:26 PM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

Quote:
Originally Posted by klg117 View Post
I have absolutely no desire to be a fifty’s housewife AT ALL, or be the trophy wife or any of that crap
I am a (non-ADD) husband, and in reading your initial post, I bailed out at the above line. My first reaction was anger, because this is exactly the @#$# that my wife has pulled on me over the years, but then I remembered my NINJA non-ADD training and realized that the above statement was coming from your ADD space, not not from "you," I guess....

To think that society, your husband, or anyone else expects or requires you to act like magazines and product commercials from 50 years ago is just absurd. What we (non-ADD'ers) really want is just normalcy. For cleanliness that means some reasonable resemblance of place to live, visit, or hang out that is not below a minimum level of order and cleanliness.

I will never forget that in the first few months of my marriage, I simply asked my wife to NOT wash my good shirts, because she was leaving them for days wet in the bottom of the dryer. Her response (yelling) "Im not your maid and I will not iron your shirts". Iron my shirts? WTF? I just asked not to wash them anymore. Oh, and the whole laundry problem never got any better. I have resorted to hiding some of my dirty clothes to do them when she is away.
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Old 09-01-08, 02:22 AM
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Re: SINGLE ADHD WORKING WOMEN: holy crap is your house ever clean??? HELP

Only when I'm taking meds... LOL. My partner gets upset when I would plan to clean back before I was taking meds because I would end up completely reorganizing the pantry but the whole rest of the kitchen remained unchanged! Or I'd clean one part of an area, then move on to another area, and we'd have 4 rooms with little areas that are clean. I can focus more on the big picture when I'm determined to clean whenever I take meds.
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