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Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

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  #16  
Old 06-04-18, 02:09 PM
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Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

Then move on honey! I had to do that about 7 weeks ago with a guy I was crazy about, but he was acting passive/aggressive and showing he was emotionally unavailable. Sometimes we have to allow our gut and brain over-ride our heart. It's totally worth it Trust me.

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  #17  
Old 06-05-18, 05:10 AM
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Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

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Originally Posted by Sharon6767 View Post
Just an update if anyone is interested. I never got a reply from my text and I think itís pretty bloody rude. Space or no space. I stood and supported him while he was looking for somewhere to live, driving him round etc. this is what I get. Heís done a complete turn around from the kind caring honest guy I met. Surely ADHD doesnít make people this rude
Very often people are quick to write off bad behavior and say its due to adhd. Adhd has a symptom profile that does not include being a jerk. There is no med to treat being an A-hole. Let this guy go.
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  #18  
Old 06-05-18, 12:57 PM
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Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

Sarah is right, this guy's behavior is indicative of a much deeper issue than adhd. You can do far better, best to cut your losses now and find someone worthy of your attention.
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  #19  
Old 06-06-18, 04:14 AM
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Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

He's mistreated you, that's for sure. All you can do is make sure he knows that, and work with (operative word here - with) him on avoiding it happening in the future.

I want to make it clear that I am not excusing him/asking you to accept this behaviour in the future, but this may explain a bit about what might be going on with him:

One thing it's easy to do when you have ADHD is over commit. We get excited, we love new things - our brains buzz with all the amazing possiblities, we have great ideas about everything we want to do! And then following through can be an impossible, arduous nightmare.

I know that my ADHD leads me to treating people unfairly (reason - not excuse), and I've lost friends over not responding, cancelling, being emotionally unavailable, etc., during difficult periods of my life. The idea something as small as replying to a text message can be so over whelming and so hard that I just can't, or resolve to do it later and then forget. I forget not because it's not important, but because ADHDers often perpetually forget even incredibly important and emotionally charged things. When I remember, I often feel it's too late, and that the person would never want to hear from me anyway.

We can often be emotionally needy, but when other people ask too much of us we can get over whelmed. Having an ADHD brain is like... ON or OFF. Like a light switch! We often can't control that. I've heard it being said that ah ADHD brain is like flicking through channels on the TV but someone else has the remote. I think it's apt. If someone is asking us for attention or love and our brain is just not there, it's usually not because we don't care.

ADHD can be really, really over whelming, and a response to that over whelm is sometimes to shut down completely, or shut others out. Also what over whelms us can seem really minor to someone who doesn't have ADHD.

A lot of people who have ADHD can also suffer from profound feelings of under achievement and insecurity about 'not being good enough'. This can often stop us from doing things we would really like to do.

I hope that you work out what is best for you! Being with an ADHDer can be tough, but also can be really rewarding.

Also, it's entirely possible he's just a jerk.

Last edited by namazu; 06-06-18 at 05:46 AM.. Reason: mild language edit
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  #20  
Old 06-06-18, 06:59 AM
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Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

Thanks for peoples replies, itís hard to know what has happened to him. Is he a jerk? Maybe. I can usually spot a red flag or two at the start of seeing someone and whilst I thought he was a bit all over the place he seemed like his heart was in the right place. Little things he did and said made him seem like a decent person. But his way of disappearing is a pretty jerky thing to do. But I suppose if he didnít care he would send a ďgo awayĒ text as least.
The guy that disappeared on me before this one recently was in touch a few days ago and he apologised for it and said it wasnít anything I did. That made me feel a bit better cause any trust I had in people is all but gone now. Itís just really upsetting to start seeing someone who rings, texts and sees you all the time and then they are gone with no reason. I would have liked a bit of closure thatíd all so I donít always wonder if it was something I did.
I had a cat once that went out one day and never came home, I tried everything to find him but I never knew what happened to him. I hate not knowing.
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  #21  
Old 06-06-18, 12:26 PM
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Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

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Originally Posted by smileypiles View Post
I want to make it clear that I am not excusing him/asking you to accept this behaviour in the future, but this may explain a bit about what might be going on with him:
I know you say you dont want the OP to accept the behavior- but you are explaining it away by expounding on your adhd.
Quote:
I know that my ADHD leads me to treating people unfairly (reason - not excuse), and I've lost friends over not responding, cancelling, being emotionally unavailable, etc., during difficult periods of my life. The idea something as small as replying to a text message can be so over whelming and so hard that I just can't, or resolve to do it later and then forget. I forget not because it's not important, but because ADHDers often perpetually forget even incredibly important and emotionally charged things. When I remember, I often feel it's too late, and that the person would never want to hear from me anyway.
Forgetting is one thing but being nasty on top of it all? I dont think so.
Quote:
We can often be emotionally needy, but when other people ask too much of us we can get over whelmed. Having an ADHD brain is like... ON or OFF. Like a light switch! We often can't control that. I've heard it being said that ah ADHD brain is like flicking through channels on the TV but someone else has the remote. I think it's apt. If someone is asking us for attention or love and our brain is just not there, it's usually not because we don't care.
I so, so get this so please do not think I totally disagree with you....I know people with adhd that are not in the least bit needy. I know people with comorbid mental heath issues and adhd that are very needy...and very not needy. Some that are good friends and some not. None of this is the 100% reason behind jerky behavior.

Quote:
ADHD can be really, really over whelming, and a response to that over whelm is sometimes to shut down completely, or shut others out. Also what over whelms us can seem really minor to someone who doesn't have ADHD.

A lot of people who have ADHD can also suffer from profound feelings of under achievement and insecurity about 'not being good enough'. This can often stop us from doing things we would really like to do.
All totally valid. But NOT an excuse for being a terrible person ( not that this guy is)but I have had to come to terms with and end friendships with other adhd people because I will not accept the selfishness or unattachment they display. They are never there for you as a go-to for help. I have adhd so naturally my instinct is to think about their adhd and my adhd and how I should be more understanding...but I learned that it really was just that this person was a selfish dishonest person. Very scattered today, hope I made sense.
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  #22  
Old 06-10-18, 07:04 PM
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Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

But you don't need to know "why" somebody is not responding to you ...

Your job is to make your interest clear ... once your interest is clear ... you wait for a reaction ... and if you don't get a positive reaction, move on ...

Definitely think about some therapy ... bringing food to his home unannounced was a real show of neediness and desperation. I did stuff like this at one time ... but it's very needy ... and then to have him turn you away without you throwing the good in his face ... shows real neediness.

So if a woman brings food to me unannounced ... even if I have friends over and don't want to see her ... even if I think she is needy ... I will absolutely invite her in ... introduce her to other people and awkwardly thank her.

I say "awkwardly thank" because I will thank the person ... and make clear that I'm not interested in them ... or didn't want them to come to this event ...

But you get turned away at the door ... rudely ... and you're still questioning yourself.

He doesn't value you ... doesn't matter why ... move on ... You deserve better.
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