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Old 06-16-18, 07:00 PM
trixietimez trixietimez is offline
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I didn't learn my lesson. 2nd Husband with ADD

Sorry, this is long. I really need to get this out: I was on these forums several years ago, as I was learning and navigating life and divorce with my first husband, who had untreated ADD. He was classic in his symptoms, and I was left a hollow shell of myself. He had good qualities, but was unwilling to make any changes or even do counseling to fix things. He also had some narcissistic meanness tossed it.

After a few grueling years, I broke free. He and I are friends still, he's married a take-charge, rather pushy, new woman and it seems to work for him having someone with zero tolerance for his ADD symptoms and the havoc it causes. She handles the money, and makes enough that they're covered.

I met my present husband after being single for a while. I was loving life being single, had many fun adventures with friends, then was swept off my feet by DH. Guess I totally forgot about that 'hyperfocus' thing, right? And, his being totally impulsive did not ring any alarm bells, so we got married pretty quickly. First 8-9 months was bliss. Then.. something changed. For the past few years I've been dealing with a level of disorganization and a home that I am too ashamed for anyone to see. This is NOT who I am, and there seemed to be no way to "get a handle" on the clutter and light hoarding. He zones out most of the time, needing to watch action movies on tv (again, I didn't correlate my ex and his action video game addiction.) So yeah, the usual stuff, forgetting things, seeming uninterested in my stuff, interrupting me constantly, accusing me of being an angry person, just generally 'checking out' of the relationship. Intimacy is 90% gone. HIs money management is frightening and now my credit score is in the garbage, after "fixing" his when we first met. I know that most can relate to all this, and YET I did NOT recognize it for what it was!

And I have been so down, and so hopeless, and and overwhelmed. Something made me google some of his issues last night, and that familiar bell went off in my head. Of course. And I probably was attracted to him the same was as I was with my ex. Hyperfocus, creative, funny, attentive. Ironically, they met early on and my ex was just so impressed with him that they became friends -- and he encouraged me to marry him, even though I expressed concern over his financial history.

So, I felt pretty darn good last night, like everything was illuminated for me! But I'm still in the same spot, of course. Cluttered house, bad finances, no social life, lonely as heck. Today, I asked him. "So... have you ever been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD?" He kind of laughed and sheepishly said "maybeeee" I pushed for more. Apparently he had it pretty badly when he was younger. The doctors wanted him to go on meds, but he and his parents refused them. Now ALL the stories from his teen years and before we met, make sense. All of them. the impulsiveness, the anger, the inability to sit still, the money problems, being an extreme workaholic, the impulse buys. All of it. I wish he had told me about it before we got married. I love him, but do not want to relive my past relationship. To be honest, one of the things that was so weird was that I was feeling EXACTLY as I did at the end of my previous marriage, and started to think it was something I was doing. No, it was being married to an untreated ADD person. I kind of wish I hadn't donated my copy of "Is it you, me, or ADD" to the thrift store several years ago. Looks like I need a new copy.

He has said he's not interested in taking meds, or counseling. He loves me to bits, but he is who he is. Basically. His solution is that I move away, and he'll come and visit me when he's not working. Separate houses.
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Old 06-18-18, 02:15 AM
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Re: I didn't learn my lesson. 2nd Husband with ADD

Quote:
Originally Posted by trixietimez View Post
I met my present husband after being single for a while. I was loving life being single, had many fun adventures with friends, then was swept off my feet by DH. Guess I totally forgot about that 'hyperfocus' thing, right? And, his being totally impulsive did not ring any alarm bells, so we got married pretty quickly. First 8-9 months was bliss. Then.. something changed. For the past few years I've been dealing with a level of disorganization and a home that I am too ashamed for anyone to see. This is NOT who I am, and there seemed to be no way to "get a handle" on the clutter and light hoarding. He zones out most of the time, needing to watch action movies on tv (again, I didn't correlate my ex and his action video game addiction.) So yeah, the usual stuff, forgetting things, seeming uninterested in my stuff, interrupting me constantly, accusing me of being an angry person, just generally 'checking out' of the relationship. Intimacy is 90% gone. HIs money management is frightening and now my credit score is in the garbage, after "fixing" his when we first met. I know that most can relate to all this, and YET I did NOT recognize it for what it was!
All of these things are very difficult. I get where you are coming from. I have adhd and so do my kids and husband so I get it from both sides. I can see where my struggles are and I can see where his are. But this doesnt mean you have to put up with it. We do tend to attract certain types of unhealthy people when we are not healthy ourselves. Not saying you are unhealthy but it seems like you didnt heal a whole lot from the first marriage and when you met the new husband the subconscious familiarity about who he was and how he acted was still attractive. Not that you went out to meet the exact same kind of person but sometimes "familiar" seems like desireable.


Quote:
And I have been so down, and so hopeless, and and overwhelmed. Something made me google some of his issues last night, and that familiar bell went off in my head. Of course. And I probably was attracted to him the same was as I was with my ex. Hyperfocus, creative, funny, attentive. Ironically, they met early on and my ex was just so impressed with him that they became friends -- and he encouraged me to marry him, even though I expressed concern over his financial history.
Yes there are symptoms but that doesnt mean its your job to be the understanding wife who fixes everything. It doesnt mean you do not get to be happy or content. If this was the first time you are dealing with this I may have a different opinion but this isnt your first rodeo and you shouldnt have to sacrifice and spend time from your "time bank" to fix him. You deserve to have an equal partner.

Quote:
So, I felt pretty darn good last night, like everything was illuminated for me! But I'm still in the same spot, of course. Cluttered house, bad finances, no social life, lonely as heck. Today, I asked him. "So... have you ever been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD?" He kind of laughed and sheepishly said "maybeeee" I pushed for more. Apparently he had it pretty badly when he was younger. The doctors wanted him to go on meds, but he and his parents refused them. Now ALL the stories from his teen years and before we met, make sense. All of them. the impulsiveness, the anger, the inability to sit still, the money problems, being an extreme workaholic, the impulse buys. All of it. I wish he had told me about it before we got married. I love him, but do not want to relive my past relationship. To be honest, one of the things that was so weird was that I was feeling EXACTLY as I did at the end of my previous marriage, and started to think it was something I was doing. No, it was being married to an untreated ADD person. I kind of wish I hadn't donated my copy of "Is it you, me, or ADD" to the thrift store several years ago. Looks like I need a new copy.

He has said he's not interested in taking meds, or counseling. He loves me to bits, but he is who he is. Basically. His solution is that I move away, and he'll come and visit me when he's not working. Separate houses.
I am not a huge ultimatum person with but in this case, you have already had wasted years on a previous relationship. With that in mind, I would say " if you refuse help, meds and counseling without even trying then I do not know if this relationship can continue". Yes its harsh and of course you do not want to have a broken marriage but dont you think its your time finally?
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Old 06-18-18, 08:03 AM
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Re: I didn't learn my lesson. 2nd Husband with ADD

To be fair, some of those issues aren't ADHD issues per se. Some are. -LN
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Old 06-18-18, 09:03 AM
ImaADHDGuy ImaADHDGuy is offline
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Re: I didn't learn my lesson. 2nd Husband with ADD

Quote:
Originally Posted by trixietimez View Post
Basically. His solution is that I move away, and he'll come and visit me when he's not working. Separate houses.
If that's his reaction to your suffering, then do it. And add a divorce to the mix and tell him not to bother with the visiting.

Sorry, but a committed relationship requires sacrifice and compromise, not stubborn positions and a "my way or move out" attitude; which is basically what that was regardless of how nice it was offered.
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Old 06-18-18, 09:40 AM
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Re: I didn't learn my lesson. 2nd Husband with ADD

I hope it made you feel better getting your thoughts out here.

It didn't seem like you were asking questions, just venting which is good to do.

There's not really anything to be done anyway besides make a choice. He says he wants to stay the same. So you either take him as he is or you leave. personally, I think you'll find someone else that is a better match if you leave him.
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Old 06-18-18, 03:10 PM
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Re: I didn't learn my lesson. 2nd Husband with ADD

Just some quick thoughts ... first I feel your pain ...

This experience, painful and disorienting as it is, can be a great learning experience for you.

First, it's not unusual at all for someone to fall for the wrong type of person more than once ... That's because the behavior that draws you into unsatisfying relationships is deeper than you might think.

And the issue isn't that you end up with guys who had ADHD--that's just an accident. You can just as well end up with alcoholics. The issue is that you are attracted to men who don't have their act together ... and you apparently fall wildly in love before you know they do have their act together. And instead of doing the day-to-day attention paying as you are getting to know someone, you likely cut this short and fall into an intoxicating high of "love" ... and thereby blind yourself to what's really going on in front of you.

For example, I have a hard time believing his living quarters was neat and organized when you were dating ... I have a hard time believing that he really listened to you carefully and attentively ... when you were dating ... Yeah, I know hyperfocus can hide some of this for sure ... But no way was his behavior 180 degrees different than it is now.

I would second Sarah's recommendation that therapy with a great person could be really helpful. A tipoff: you sound strangely passive about the deteriorating living quarters ... It's your house too, but you're acting as if he is in full control. You have a lot of say ...

Somehow you are losing your power and your voice with men ... particularly with men who show a certain kind of interest in you. Probably a deep pattern going back to your family of origin. Great material for therapy.

The benefit of officially working on this issue in therapy is that there is a high likelihood that you are losing your voice with family members, friends, coworkers.

So you aren't some horrible failure ... Undoing deep patterns is REALLY hard. But you can do it. Credit yourself for being really honest ... really quickly this time. That's a hugely positive start.
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Old 06-19-18, 08:44 AM
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Re: I didn't learn my lesson. 2nd Husband with ADD

Sometimes picking the wrong person feels...normal or comfortable.. thats why therapy is the answer. It took me 16 years to get over stuff with therapy.
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Old 06-20-18, 06:24 PM
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Re: I didn't learn my lesson. 2nd Husband with ADD

This ain't my first time at the rodeo. I found clone after clone of abusive men. Emotional, verbal, physical, sexual. With mental issues a mile long. Every time I was told *I* was the problem. Anytime I suggested they fix anything it got thrown back at me. One of my exes finally did read an anger management book and the only thing he took away from it was the word "toxic" which apparently defined me. Anytime I had a legitimate issue I was told to suck it up.

I don't know how bad your situation really is and I agree with the idea that a relationship is compromise. But it's like freedom. You can have all you want UNTIL it affects someone else. You can be in all the relationships you want but when you get to the point that you are hurting others or particularly being hurt it's got to go.

I am momma to one person in this world. I quit being one for grown *** men. You have an issue, manage it, whatever that takes. You want help? Sure I'll help you out. Some. Oh, You don't want to handle it? Bye.

Disabled or not people need to take care of their own sh-.That can be anything from going to therapy to taking turns picking up the kids from soccer practice. Either would put someone on thin ice with me.

If he works for you the screwed up way he is go for it. But I'm done spending my life wasting it on people who can't be bothered to help themselves and to participate in adult life in an adult relationship.
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