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  #1  
Old 09-02-18, 01:33 PM
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Partner thinks everything is just fine after coming off of medication

Not sure how to approach this with my husband as I: 1) don't want to hurt his feelings 2) don't think he'll agree with me.

Background - he was diagnosed with ADD 10 years ago (at age 41). After years of problems in our marriage we we went to a marriage therapist because we were on the brink of divorce. She saw the signs and referred him to a psychiatrist. He has been taking medication ever since then. He is always trying new things and has been on Adderall, Straterra, Concerta, and most recently Mydayis. He was also on depression meds (Wellbutrin) for awhile but is ok without them now.

Some of the problems prior to medication were that he "medicated" by drinking 2-3 (or maybe more, I can't remember) beers as soon as he would get home from work. He was ADD inattentive. He actually told me that back then he did not care if I lived or died. He viewed and blamed me as the source of all of his problems in life (primarily work, the responsibilities that come with having a house and 2 kids - that was my fault too). He was a heavy gamer and watched porn a lot more than I thought was healthy. He had a very stressful job that I frankly don't know how he got through.

The medication totally saved our marriage. Immediately things got SO much better and we've been fine for 10 years. The reason he went off of the medication now is that he recently had some issues where he passed out twice. He thought it was related to the Mydayis. He also has a high resting heart rate. His primary and psychiatrist both agreed that he could come off of his meds while getting checking out by a cardiologist. Well, it looks like his issue was related to something else, not the ADD meds. However, he doesn't want to "be on pills forever" and I know he doesn't want to start taking them again.

Here's my issue - it's only been three weeks but I am starting to see behaviors that are causing a bit of PTSD forme. He's started buying beer again. He hasn't been drinking it every day, but I'm afraid it will increase as time goes on. He's started to have that "glazed" look where it feels like I just cannot connect with him. It's not as bad as it used to be 10 years ago, but I'm worried. We're starting up again where if I ask him a question, he just doesn't respond. It's like I'm talking to myself. Makes eye contact sometimes but not always. It seems like his personality is different too. Where he was never "hyper" before, sometimes he is chatty, loud and excitable.

I'm not sure how I should handle. I really would prefer to have my old, medicated husband back but is that selfish of me? I haven't discussed with him but I think he is happy being off of meds, although I don't really understand why because he claims he does not feel any different. How can I be supportive? The job is kind of a non-issue because he has a role that is much less responsibility now and really not challenging at all, which is not great either, but I can't push him. If he wants to make that change, it will have to be on him.

I know this is a lot of rambling. I'm just gearing up because I'm afraid that things will get worse as more time goes on without drugs for him. But maybe I am being too negative and should give it more time?
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Old 09-02-18, 02:34 PM
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Re: Partner thinks everything is just fine after coming off of medication

I do not think you are being selfish. If anything you are allowed to advocate for your needs, however they get met. Have you asked him what is it about being unmedicated that he likes?
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Old 09-02-18, 02:40 PM
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Re: Partner thinks everything is just fine after coming off of medication

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I do not think you are being selfish. If anything you are allowed to advocate for your needs, however they get met. Have you asked him what is it about being unmedicated that he likes?
The medications raise his blood pressure so he has to take blood pressure medications as well. However, while he is off of the ADD meds, it has been found that his blood pressure is still high anyway, so it's not like he can stop those drugs. I believe in his mind he will be healthier and live longer if he can limit being on medications. Also, he would like to try coping techniques like CBT to see if he can manage it that way. However he hasn't made a move to call a psychiatrist dealing in that. I offered to do it but I don't know how that would help him personality wise.
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Old 09-02-18, 04:47 PM
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Re: Partner thinks everything is just fine after coming off of medication

I went off meds and restarted again after a two year hiatus. Maybe it's just experience but when I first took stimulants they worked like a dream. Now second time around I've got horrible side effects and few positive ones. So I'm not sure if waiting for a while before starting again is a good idea (but probably this really ist just just experience also I'm depressed and sleep deprived which might be why the meds aren't working).

I don't really have any advice. You are unable. Difficult situation because you want to be supportive and not push him.into something he doesn't want (take meds) even though you know it would be best for both of you.

Maybe if you can have a sensible discussion with him (and j say this because I find it very hard to havesensible discussions) you could put together a list of things that if they happened he'd agree to take meds again (like going back to drinking, etc ).
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Old 09-02-18, 06:13 PM
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Re: Partner thinks everything is just fine after coming off of medication

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post

Maybe if you can have a sensible discussion with him (and j say this because I find it very hard to havesensible discussions) you could put together a list of things that if they happened he'd agree to take meds again (like going back to drinking, etc ).
That's a really good idea - I will wait and see if this continues as a pattern and then sit down with him to calmly discuss and we'll go from there.
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Old 09-03-18, 08:15 AM
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Re: Partner thinks everything is just fine after coming off of medication

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Originally Posted by tryingmybest View Post
Some of the problems prior to medication were that he "medicated" by drinking 2-3 (or maybe more, I can't remember) beers as soon as he would get home from work. He was ADD inattentive. He actually told me that back then he did not care if I lived or died. He viewed and blamed me as the source of all of his problems in life (primarily work, the responsibilities that come with having a house and 2 kids - that was my fault too). He was a heavy gamer and watched porn a lot more than I thought was healthy. He had a very stressful job that I frankly don't know how he got through.
I think its really important to address the addiction piece of this. He may not be a definite alcoholic but anytime drinking interferes with your life and causes problems or consequences its considered problem drinking which is a precursor. And couple that with addictive issues with gaming and porn, I think thats a warning sign.

Quote:
The medication totally saved our marriage. Immediately things got SO much better and we've been fine for 10 years. The reason he went off of the medication now is that he recently had some issues where he passed out twice. He thought it was related to the Mydayis. He also has a high resting heart rate. His primary and psychiatrist both agreed that he could come off of his meds while getting checking out by a cardiologist. Well, it looks like his issue was related to something else, not the ADD meds. However, he doesn't want to "be on pills forever" and I know he doesn't want to start taking them again.
Have you tried being honest with him and telling him this. You may feel it would be mean but how nice was it for him to tell you he didnt care if you lived or died and watched porn? The husband you had with the meds is not a new one, its the one he was meant to be IMO.

Quote:
Here's my issue - it's only been three weeks but I am starting to see behaviors that are causing a bit of PTSD forme. He's started buying beer again. He hasn't been drinking it every day, but I'm afraid it will increase as time goes on. He's started to have that "glazed" look where it feels like I just cannot connect with him. It's not as bad as it used to be 10 years ago, but I'm worried. We're starting up again where if I ask him a question, he just doesn't respond. It's like I'm talking to myself. Makes eye contact sometimes but not always. It seems like his personality is different too. Where he was never "hyper" before, sometimes he is chatty, loud and excitable.
This is what I meant about addressing the addiction piece. Did you know that being properly medicated actually lowers your chance of addiction?

Quote:
I'm not sure how I should handle. I really would prefer to have my old, medicated husband back but is that selfish of me? I haven't discussed with him but I think he is happy being off of meds, although I don't really understand why because he claims he does not feel any different. How can I be supportive? The job is kind of a non-issue because he has a role that is much less responsibility now and really not challenging at all, which is not great either, but I can't push him. If he wants to make that change, it will have to be on him.
He has to take some kind of responsibility for his behavior. I dont buy it that he is happier this way. It might be less work for him but no way could that kind of chaos be the better way to live. If it is, you have more than just meds to address.
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Old 09-03-18, 10:18 AM
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Re: Partner thinks everything is just fine after coming off of medication

I was diagnosed with high blood pressure before I figured out for myself that
I also have adhd.

I wasn't best pleased with the idea of having to take medication for the rest of
my life.

But it was clear that if I didn't there was a BIG risk of stroke or heart attack.

So I adjusted. I know some people have a very hard time with the thought
they will need medication every single day for the rest of their lives.

Maybe CBT or DBT would help your husband adjust to the idea that he needs meds.

I found CBT very helpful, especially in a group setting. Others would either ask
what I didn't want to say out loud ... or would bring up something I hadn't
thought of that made sense.
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