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  #1  
Old 03-03-19, 11:26 PM
LeighWolf LeighWolf is offline
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I'm just done

Posting here because it seems relationship related although career is also involved. 2-3 weeks ago at work we were given a no drug rep/no chat with others directive until we're all caught up. Since I'm the second most behind person (the first being more important), I feel this was aimed at me. Could be wrong, but-no I'm not. Thing is, I don't chat much. I'm just loud and animated and therefore easy to spot. I mostly listen! (To the extent I even do that).

Problem 1: I respond to punishments like this by shutting down. I am now practically unable to keep caught up at all and have been given Friday "off" to catch up. I really feel like leaving this job, but I'm a medical professional and I love my career. I usually just leave a job, but I can't because I truly cannot abandon my patients. So I am now officially feeling "burned out" and can hardly tolerate the 10-12 hours I sit listening to people's problems, let alone eek out a decent note about it. I am fortunate beyond telling that my nurse is the best in the world with details and has been keeping track of me the best she can. I am not aware that I have made any errors, but I do worry that if I don't get this under control quick, well, I am not immune to that type of occurrence.

Problem 2: The shut down is across the board. My narcissistic brother-father duo texted me out of the blue with some bait and I took it. Now my sisters, who inexplicably caught the family's ire over it, are wondering what in the world I did this time to cause them, once again, to be lumped in with me and my "attack" on my brother. Thank goodness my closest sis isn't upset, but the younger one is and I just don't feel much more than anger about the whole darn thing. FYI-the bait was "I'll never understand why you hate your brother so much". Out. Of. The. Blue. How I took it? "I don't hate him. I don't know him. But I am opposed to the Southern Gothic you've created in this family and would appreciate at least being treated as beloved, even if inferior".

What am I asking for? Honestly, if there is anyone who has any words of hope, wisdom, comfort-I'll take it. I am usually resilient. But right now everywhere I look I see another door slammed shut and it's my fault. Despite my trying as hard as I have ever tried in my life to be functional, fair, diligent and balanced. I'm even feeling like a big bother on the forum here. Why? Because that's my default. But I have to do something, and I don't have time for therapy and I can't reach out to my sisters because they are the ones who reach out to me generally and in this family upset, definitely.

Hey, even a joke would be fine. I've been low contact with my parents and brother for years. My sisters have families. I work and that's pretty much it. I'm horrible at socializing. But even us "horrible at socializing" people actually need it.

Thank you to anyone who reads or responds.

Edit: Sorry-the "done" part isn't in the least bit suicidal. I mean done as in "broken" or "gave up trying".

Last edited by LeighWolf; 03-03-19 at 11:27 PM.. Reason: Safety assurance
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  #2  
Old 03-04-19, 03:37 AM
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Re: I'm just done

Narcissistic family members seem to sense when you're on your limit to start on you as well. More fun to kick you when you're down. As of last weekend's meltdown I'm officially no contact with my birth family.

Having being raised in a narc family makes it harder to deal with other stuff particularly when it's not fair.

I hope I gets better soon. The only way I'm coping is to go to the beach a lot.
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Old 03-04-19, 04:06 AM
LeighWolf LeighWolf is offline
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Re: I'm just done

Just to be painfully transparent...I looked at threads you started recently and didn't see one that was obviously about that weekend difficulty. Might be the moved one. I have been pretty isolative lately after having been on the forum maybe too frequently so I thought that was a good way to recover from possible rudeness. You probably don't need that background though, do you? Always over-explaining.

I'm sorry to hear there was an incident that caused you to require of yourself such a measure. These things are not done lightly, even if one is emotional at the time. When the emotion clears it exposes such a void that is almost incomprehensible. At least for me, it feels like standing on the edge of a bombed out gash in the earth. There is no longer fire and noise and siren blare. All there is is an unfathomably dark and deep hole out of which smoke continually seeps. The light of day exposes wreckage and evidence of cause, but the presence of the smoke and the silence continues the empty promise that there is more to be seen when it is finally cleared away. Anything but that barren pit. But that is all that will be found.

Now I feel I owe you an apology. I hope some day I can gain some sense about when apologies are appropriate and when they're not. Or at least maybe some day I'll learn to shut up...
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Old 03-04-19, 04:19 AM
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Re: I'm just done

Hey mate no need to apologise. It's feels impossible to communicate with the outside world when the unbelievable is happening. I truly hope you can see your way out of the abyss soon.
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Old 03-04-19, 07:48 AM
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Re: I'm just done

Block them ( him or whomever) and sally forth.
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Old 03-04-19, 06:01 PM
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Re: I'm just done

Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Missy View Post
Block them ( him or whomever) and sally forth.
Hey, no need to block them when you're being ignored! But I may pretend I did
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Old 03-04-19, 06:01 PM
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Re: I'm just done

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Originally Posted by tudorose View Post
Hey mate no need to apologise. It's feels impossible to communicate with the outside world when the unbelievable is happening. I truly hope you can see your way out of the abyss soon.
I appreciate that.
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Old 03-08-19, 05:24 PM
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Re: I'm just done

in my own quest for freedom from enslavment I've been watching alot of video's by a guy named richard grannon

his video's have helped me out a lot and I think they might help you out a lot as well wolf



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Old 03-08-19, 06:25 PM
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Re: I'm just done

LeighWolf and tudorose I hope things improve for you both
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Old 03-08-19, 07:49 PM
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Re: I'm just done

Leigh- I think the blocking idea is actually good. Sure you are being ignored but if they were blocked you wouldn't know either way.
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Old 03-25-19, 09:48 PM
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Re: I'm just done

Quote:
Originally Posted by LeighWolf View Post
When the emotion clears it exposes such a void that is almost incomprehensible. At least for me, it feels like standing on the edge of a bombed out gash in the earth. There is no longer fire and noise and siren blare. All there is is an unfathomably dark and deep hole out of which smoke continually seeps. The light of day exposes wreckage and evidence of cause, but the presence of the smoke and the silence continues the empty promise that there is more to be seen when it is finally cleared away. Anything but that barren pit. But that is all that will be found.
LeighWolf - this was a stunning piece of imagery! As a writer and lover of words, I couldn't help but admire your ability to put this emotion into such a perfectly haunting visual context.

Also, in regards to your work situation, after working in HR for several years, I feel like your supervisors (or whoever implemented that punishment) doesn't know how to properly motivate people. That seems like an inappropriate and ineffective directive. I'm sorry it made you feel that way and I admire your dedication to your patients! I hope they realize how valuable you are and your work situation gets better soon!

As for family, that's always a tough one. It sounds to me like you are trying hard to do more right than wrong and be the buffer for everyone else, but no one is doing that for you. I just want to tell you that you are allowed to have emotional responses and not be balanced and thoughtful in every single moment of conflict.

I've been that person in my family/friend group and I can tell you it feels really good to give myself permission to have a human emotional reaction. That permission releases me from the guilt I would usually be debilitated with afterward. It may not always resolve the conflict as quickly as I'd like, but I'm not left with a painful ball of emotion sitting in my stomach after swallowing it for the benefit of people who never considered doing the same for me.

I don't know if any of this accurate or helpful, but I hope so! Thank you for sharing your experience!
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Old 03-26-19, 04:19 PM
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Re: I'm just done

Hello LeighWolf,


I do relate a lot with you on problems 1 and 2. When I was a teacher, there was always work to be done until the very end of the school year.



In my case, the shut downs were caused by the fact that I didn't take care enough of myself. I didn't rest enough which made me more irritated and easy to break. The lack of rest made me less efficient at work and also made it easier for me to fell from attacks like the ones you experienced in problem 2.



After 4 years of work in a career that I love, I recently decided that I will try a different career because the weight of the negative parts always felt heavier than the positive parts. Since I made the decision, I feel like a huge weight had been taken out of my shoulders.


In your case, I'm not sure how long you worked as a medical professional. If you only have a few years of experience, I would tell you that it does improve with experience.


Take care of yourself! You're a good person who deserves to be happy with life!
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