ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Non-ADD Partner Support
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Non-ADD Partner Support This is a support forum for non-ADD partners, spouses, and significant others offering feedback from both the ADD and non-ADD perspectives

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-31-18, 09:53 AM
Sharon6767 Sharon6767 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: May 2018
Location: Australia
Posts: 7
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Sharon6767 is on a distinguished road
Probably ex boyfriend now advice

Hey just after advice, will try to keep Brief
1.Been seeing a guy with ADHD for a few weeks
2.Great at the start, lots of texts phone calls etc
3. Boyfriend all of sudden needs to move from where he just moved into
4. I was helping him find a place and he kept getting knocked back
5. The he loses his job ( I think because of him)
6. Becomes distant with me, less texts, not seeing him
7. Didnít see him for 2 weeks, he made minimal contact but reassured me when he did. He had found somewhere and moved in that time
8. We had a good talk on the phone, he told me he didnít want to see the past two weeks as he didnít think I deserved to be bothered with his problems and didnít want to turn me off, said he wanted to see me but wants his life a bit more on track
9. Saw him once after that, had a good night, he rang me the next day, then back to minimal texts
10. I offered to visit him and he wanted a raincheck, he had also started a new job
11.saw him last Friday, said he missed me and we had a good night, he seemed ok but stressed. He hates his new job and has already taken days off, also got into trouble with new landlord cause his music was too loud. I told him when I saw him I was going to cook him dinner this week and bring it over one night, he said ok
12. Took dinner over Monday without telling him I was coming, he opened the door looked at me and said ďnoĒ ďI donít want dinnerĒ just got home from work and have friends over. He shut the door behind him so I couldnít see inside.

I left and went home, Iím insecure as Iíve been cheated on and figured cause he shut the door he was cheated so I politely texted and asked and of course nothing back. I know it looks bad and it is bad. Heís never been rude to me like that before ever but Iíve never rocked up without telling him either. He gets very stressed, doesnít take meds, is very underweight, constantly worries about everything. He told me on the phone once he wanted his life in order before we can start together and said he hoped Iíd be around when that happens. Heís also been cheated on and hates cheaters and always said he would be honest and tell me when we would be over ( he knew my last bf ghosted me). I feel like Iíve just been left hanging, no closure nothing. Part of me thinks heís taking space to sort his ****, he really is a hot mess. But the other part thinks Iíve just been had by another typical guy. Seriously how hard it is to just end it. Iíve pretty much given up. I do care a lot for him as he was always nice to me and considered my feelings and was very protective, and I do hope heís ok. I was going to text him tomorrow but Iíve changed my mind, Iíll just look desperate. Sorry for the long read, try not to fall asleep
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Sharon6767 For This Useful Post:
SuperP (05-31-18)
  #2  
Old 05-31-18, 01:41 PM
SuperP SuperP is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 34
Thanks: 64
Thanked 25 Times in 17 Posts
SuperP will become famous soon enough
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

Hi Sharon,

I totally get what you are saying. been there. Trust me, its not you. I dont think your guy is a jerk. I think he really is a hot mess. He is confused and has a lot on his plate. give him some time and take some time to take care of yourself.

I dated a couple of guys who did this to me and, after some time and distance, they came back and apologized. I was able to get closure with both One had ADHD and one had Aspergers. I still care for them and I am friends with both. I learned that sometimes men (at least some men) really are confused and some need more space than others. Not saying that he is defineately not a jerk, but maybe give him the benefit of the doubt and give him some space. Try to talk to him later, when you feel more at peace.

IMO, Right now, his distancing behavior is triggering your insecurities and its best you stay away for a bit until you are both in a better place.

The book "Attached" by Amir Levine helped me a lot to learn about the different types of attachment needs that people have. I am now dating a guy that is consistent and who knows how to communicate well...its very different than the roller coaster rides that I experienced in the past with men who were unable to meet my needs.

Good luck
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to SuperP For This Useful Post:
ToneTone (06-10-18)
  #3  
Old 05-31-18, 03:03 PM
CharlesH CharlesH is offline
ADDvanced Contributor
 

Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 736
Thanks: 150
Thanked 435 Times in 291 Posts
CharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to all
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

That's really rough. I'm sorry to hear that.

IMO, he probably wasn't cheating on you. He's struggling in a lot of areas of his life...he seems in more danger of withdrawing from life rather than becoming involved with extra women. And given that you essentially were snooping on him, he is justified in curtly telling you to leave.

He's told you that he wants some time alone to take care of himself before he can commit to you. I think you should take him at his word. You need to decide whether you're willing to wait. If yes, then maybe give him a rough estimate of when you expect to hear back from him, so that it's not a vague, ominous cloud that hangs over him.

In general, men are more comfortable talking about practical solutions than about their emotions. So ask him in a non-judgmental way what he needs from you to make the relationship work, and then ask yourself if that's something you'd be willing to accept.

Best of luck!
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to CharlesH For This Useful Post:
SuperP (05-31-18), ToneTone (06-10-18)
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 05-31-18, 03:28 PM
Budkeiser's Avatar
Budkeiser Budkeiser is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 86
Thanks: 23
Thanked 78 Times in 51 Posts
Budkeiser is on a distinguished road
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

I think it is good that you know what you want and I want to stress the importance of making sure you have things you will not compromise on. Often I see the other side try to bend towards the other and away from their own self. It leaves them miserable and eventually both miserable.

I can say that I make a terrible boyfriend, but a great husband. I know some of my flaws and when I am in the negotiation phase of getting to know someone, I don't pretend that something wonít be an issue. I still fall victim to myself for compromising when I shouldn't.

In general, be blunt with men and don't read into anything. Guys typically are not smart enough to have a hidden agenda and guys don't take subtle hints. If a guy says anything emotional related, take it as a victory of communication, even if it isn't something you want to hear. Again, a guy isn't typically going to say something emotional related and then have a different ploy or agenda. If a guy isnít ready for blah, blah, he isnít ready at that moment for blah blah. It doesnít mean its forever. But it is also understandable if it doesnít fit in your timetable. Remember not to compromise on something important to you.
__________________
Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Budkeiser For This Useful Post:
SuperP (05-31-18)
  #5  
Old 05-31-18, 04:16 PM
LyrinMeow's Avatar
LyrinMeow LyrinMeow is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Ohio
Posts: 327
Thanks: 139
Thanked 334 Times in 197 Posts
LyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to behold
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

Well first of all how old are you guys? Because that will make a difference in what I would say. Because if you are like say, 19, then I could understand that. You're practically still kids and likely do not have your **** together. If you are looking near 30's that is an entirely different scenario. If you have time for that then by all means go for it and see where it leads. I know that I do not have time for someone without their sh- together. I'm not going to date someone to help them get their **** together.

Okay, I'm helping my roommate out but we are not, nor would we ever, date, and everyone else he knows is toxic. And he is in his 20's. I was his last chance. And he's doing what he is supposed to do and making progress.

But dating? Oh hell no. If someone has a mental illness that's fine but they need to be getting that sh- under control. And there would be dragging me down with them. As I just said in another thread I always end up with man children. It's like having 2 kids. I fought way too long and way too hard to get here to be putting up with more of someone elses BS.

Either way I would put a cap on what I'm willing to put up with and for how long. He doesn't get his sh- together you walk. There are always other, less unmediated crazy, fish out there.

Or maybe I'm just a cold hearted a--hole. That's a possibility too.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to LyrinMeow For This Useful Post:
SuperP (05-31-18)
  #6  
Old 05-31-18, 06:23 PM
SuperP SuperP is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 34
Thanks: 64
Thanked 25 Times in 17 Posts
SuperP will become famous soon enough
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

"In general, be blunt with men and don't read into anything. Guys typically are not smart enough to have a hidden agenda and guys don't take subtle hints. If a guy says anything emotional related, take it as a victory of communication, even if it isn't something you want to hear. Again, a guy isn't typically going to say something emotional related and then have a different ploy or agenda. If a guy isn’t ready for blah, blah, he isn’t ready at that moment for blah blah. It doesn’t mean its forever. But it is also understandable if it doesn’t fit in your timetable. Remember not to compromise on something important to you."

Thank you for this Budkeiser...so true!
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 06-01-18, 12:26 AM
Sharon6767 Sharon6767 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: May 2018
Location: Australia
Posts: 7
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Sharon6767 is on a distinguished road
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

Thank you all for your replies, I think maybe Iíve been at fault for bothering him. When I first started reading about ADHD I read a lot that people get bored of their partners and I figured he was bored of me and I panicked. I have my own issues with men as my last guy ghosted me and my long term guy before that was a narcissistic alchoholic and was verbally abusive and he cheated on me and replaced me within days. I struggled a lot after that and was very depressed.
I wasnít snooping on my bf, I just wanted to take him dinner, I guess when I told him I was going to do it one night he forgot I said it. I only thought he was cheating cause he shut the door so I couldnít see inside and he was very rude which was a shock. Plus thereís been no contact from him since I saw him Friday. Itís very hard when you are with and talking to someone everyday and then they slowly fade away. Iím not sure if heís going to return or not. Itís all very well to say he would let me know when he knew but Iím worried time might go by and he will forget me. Is it a good idea to text him and apologise for my behaviour and telling him I understand his need for space? Iím not sure what to say, I donít want to say too much so I confuse him
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-01-18, 12:47 AM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: .
Posts: 22,598
Blog Entries: 12
Thanks: 34,594
Thanked 34,235 Times in 15,486 Posts
peripatetic has a reputation beyond reputeperipatetic has a reputation beyond reputeperipatetic has a reputation beyond reputeperipatetic has a reputation beyond reputeperipatetic has a reputation beyond reputeperipatetic has a reputation beyond reputeperipatetic has a reputation beyond reputeperipatetic has a reputation beyond reputeperipatetic has a reputation beyond reputeperipatetic has a reputation beyond reputeperipatetic has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

i would leave it alone for a bit. run into him casually and just be non panicking. don't text that you'll give him space. just chill out on him/be yourself. he'll come back around if he's interested. but more importantly you should probably talk to someone about your depression and the abuse you endured. you have to work that **** out, you know?

hope that's helpful and welcome to the forums!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-01-18, 01:11 AM
Sharon6767 Sharon6767 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: May 2018
Location: Australia
Posts: 7
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Sharon6767 is on a distinguished road
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

Thanks, problem is I canít run into him casually as I donít know where he works? And rocking up at his house to see him is no longer an option after last time. Iím
Scared heís gone for good.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-01-18, 03:29 AM
CharlesH CharlesH is offline
ADDvanced Contributor
 

Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 736
Thanks: 150
Thanked 435 Times in 291 Posts
CharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to allCharlesH is a name known to all
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sharon6767 View Post
Iím not sure if heís going to return or not. Itís all very well to say he would let me know when he knew but Iím worried time might go by and he will forget me. Is it a good idea to text him and apologise for my behaviour and telling him I understand his need for space? Iím not sure what to say, I donít want to say too much so I confuse him
I would text him something like, "I understand your need for time/space to take care of yourself, and I am sorry that I didn't respect that in the past. You're important enough to me that I'm willing to wait as you take care of yourself, but I can't wait forever. Could you get back to me within [x] weeks? And if there's anything else that you need from me in the meantime, please feel free to let me know."
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 06-01-18, 03:39 AM
Sharon6767 Sharon6767 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: May 2018
Location: Australia
Posts: 7
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Sharon6767 is on a distinguished road
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlesH View Post
I would text him something like, "I understand your need for time/space to take care of yourself, and I am sorry that I didn't respect that in the past. You're important enough to me that I'm willing to wait as you take care of yourself, but I can't wait forever. Could you get back to me within [x] weeks? And if there's anything else that you need from me in the meantime, please feel free to let me know."
Yes thanks I wanted to say something like that cause the last thing I said was ďI guess you found someone elseĒ I wish I never sent it and I hope it hasnít completely put him off. I was angry and wasnít thinking things through when I sent it
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 06-01-18, 04:12 AM
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
Mod-A-holic
 

Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: nj, usa
Posts: 28,637
Thanks: 5,803
Thanked 33,115 Times in 15,360 Posts
sarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond reputesarahsweets has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

I dont think its ok. I think you deserve better than that.
__________________
President of the No F's given society.

I carried a watermelon?
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 06-01-18, 06:23 AM
LyrinMeow's Avatar
LyrinMeow LyrinMeow is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: Ohio
Posts: 327
Thanks: 139
Thanked 334 Times in 197 Posts
LyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to beholdLyrinMeow is a splendid one to behold
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

I assume you've already texted but here goes anywayl

I know I don't apologize after having a door slammed in my face.

I would not text and apologize. At best I would do what the previous poster said about telling him whats up and you'll wait while he gets sorted out. You'd have to mean that you actually would wait so be serious with time frames if you have one.

Also tell him you need it to be an open relationship that is founded on trust and mutual respect. Communication open not sleeping with other people open . Especially after dating some really worthless men (I have been there a few times), I know that you will probably be haunted by those.

I have always made this known the very first time I can while dating. I tell them why I am how I am, without going into detail or naming names. And then I tell them what I need from them exactly. And what I have done/will do to try to combat it.

You also need to at least appreciate, if not love, your self in order to be stable enough to date someone. I think it almost sounds you are making excuses for him and then trying to put what blame remains on you. Its his life and his choice. It's not that hard to text. Also think of where and how you'd be willing to help. Would you make sure he went to a psych? make sure he is taking his medication? Pay for him until he gets a job? Be ignored all the time because he's a hot mess. Provide emotional support. Find out what he thinks he needs.

But again based on age, I would find an appropriate length of time I'm willing to stick around for a guy that you've only been seeing for a few week.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 06-01-18, 06:35 AM
Sharon6767 Sharon6767 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: May 2018
Location: Australia
Posts: 7
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Sharon6767 is on a distinguished road
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

Thanks for your advice. I did comment a couple of times earlier but they donít seem to be showing up!? I know I shouldnít really apologise but I didnít anyway. Itís too long to explain in detail on here but when he was explaining to me he needs time i wasnít very understanding, well I was but still I pushed to see him sometimes. I ended up texting that I was sorry I didnít respect his need for space and that I care about him and hope heís ok. I tried to keep it short. Iím kinda expecting him to be already gone anyway cause I donít think itís that hard to text someone back if your keen. I wasnít really looking for a partner when we met, I was really just looking for someone to chat too. We did meet on a dating site and I only met him cause he lived around the corner from my work, plus my friend encouraged it. Anyway we hit it off and things were pretty good until his life started to unravel. If he texts and we reconnect great cause I do like him, Iím not neccasarily waiting around either but Iím also not ready to start dating a new person. Even if we ended up good friends Iíll take that too. He was also nice to me and very considerate. But thanks everyone for your help. Itís good to talk to people who understand
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 06-04-18, 11:36 AM
Sharon6767 Sharon6767 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: May 2018
Location: Australia
Posts: 7
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
Sharon6767 is on a distinguished road
Re: Probably ex boyfriend now advice

Just an update if anyone is interested. I never got a reply from my text and I think itís pretty bloody rude. Space or no space. I stood and supported him while he was looking for somewhere to live, driving him round etc. this is what I get. Heís done a complete turn around from the kind caring honest guy I met. Surely ADHD doesnít make people this rude
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Sharon6767 For This Useful Post:
peripatetic (06-04-18)
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Looking for advice, and direction. Somurio Relationships & Social Issues 2 07-08-14 04:44 AM
Hi everyone/anyone I am looking for honest advice....my boyfriend has ADD... megvass New Member Introductions 6 05-19-09 07:12 AM
Need advice about a situation with my "team" sunnygal Counseling & Therapy 7 03-14-05 01:24 PM
Non-ADD Wife needs advice about Husband with ADD/ADHD katec Non-ADD Partner Support 23 11-05-04 05:32 PM
Daughter just diganosed with ADD / ADHD......need advice & support minn306 General Parenting Issues 6 11-04-04 12:31 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:04 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums