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  #1  
Old 09-17-18, 11:57 AM
Frustrated65 Frustrated65 is offline
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ADHD, Rebound Relationships and Regret?

Hi. Sorry, me again. I was slowly getting over my ex when I found out on Friday that he's now in another relationship with someone else - someone he'd met over the summer on his college FB page and after meeting her in person, broke up with me and is now in a relationship with her. I'm still reeling from the shock of how quickly he's moved on. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach and I'm physically sick. My question is, since he's likely hyperfocusing on her currently, what are the chances that he'll regret the breakup? I'm thinking low since his hyperfocus won't allow it to happen. Am I right? I've also read that the probability of rebound relationships working is low but what happens when someone with ADHD jumps into another relationship without properly healing from the last one? Does the hyperfocus make the new relationship appear as being perfect? Also, why hasn't he deleted photos of us? He hasn't stopped following me on social media and he also hasn't told his family and friends about our breakup? Is this because of his hyperfocus on this new girl that he doesn't remember dating me and therefore have forgotten to remove the pictures and tell his family? I know I need to get over this and I will. But I'm curious what goes through an ADHD mind in such a situation? Do ADHD's normally engage in rebound behavior (I can't seem to find much info on this anywhere). What happens when they do? Some insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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Old 09-17-18, 04:38 PM
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Re: ADHD, Rebound Relationships and Regret?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frustrated65 View Post
Hi. Sorry, me again. I was slowly getting over my ex when I found out on Friday that he's now in another relationship with someone else - someone he'd met over the summer on his college FB page and after meeting her in person, broke up with me and is now in a relationship with her. I'm still reeling from the shock of how quickly he's moved on. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach and I'm physically sick. My question is, since he's likely hyperfocusing on her currently, what are the chances that he'll regret the breakup? I'm thinking low since his hyperfocus won't allow it to happen. Am I right? I've also read that the probability of rebound relationships working is low but what happens when someone with ADHD jumps into another relationship without properly healing from the last one? Does the hyperfocus make the new relationship appear as being perfect? Also, why hasn't he deleted photos of us? He hasn't stopped following me on social media and he also hasn't told his family and friends about our breakup? Is this because of his hyperfocus on this new girl that he doesn't remember dating me and therefore have forgotten to remove the pictures and tell his family? I know I need to get over this and I will. But I'm curious what goes through an ADHD mind in such a situation? Do ADHD's normally engage in rebound behavior (I can't seem to find much info on this anywhere). What happens when they do? Some insight would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

I know when I was younger and a love relationship, especially an intense one ended, I was pretty desperate to replace that person right away and somehow replicate the feelings. I wasn't interested as much in the new person as in whether they could provide me with what I lost.

I do think ADHD makes it hard to connect on a real level with people, because your brain is constantly craving stimulation, and you can also be very impulsive. It can lead you to treating people like, I don't know, objects in a video game?

Social media makes all of this much, much worse, because it already commodifies and digitizes human relationships in a way that I didn't experience when I was younger. The whole thing of the sheer number of people you can connect with can really overwhelm the ADHD brain and provide it with a sort of fix that can be addictive.

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Old 09-18-18, 01:09 AM
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Re: ADHD, Rebound Relationships and Regret?

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Originally Posted by Frustrated65 View Post
My question is, since he's likely hyperfocusing on her currently, what are the chances that he'll regret the breakup? I'm thinking low since his hyperfocus won't allow it to happen. Am I right? I've also read that the probability of rebound relationships working is low but what happens when someone with ADHD jumps into another relationship without properly healing from the last one? Does the hyperfocus make the new relationship appear as being perfect? Also, why hasn't he deleted photos of us? He hasn't stopped following me on social media and he also hasn't told his family and friends about our breakup? Is this because of his hyperfocus on this new girl that he doesn't remember dating me and therefore have forgotten to remove the pictures and tell his family?
I don't know what rebound behaviour is. Not sure if gtting another gf quickly is anything weird for a guy, sorry

Especially if he knew her before leaving you and your relationship just burnt out.
Maybe you just caught a random bullet being at a wrong place with this guy, regardless of his ADHD, that's all. He doesn't delete you cause he's undecided, or doesn't want to hurt you or he forgot - who knows?

Yes, hyperfocusing and seing someone in pink is an ADHD charm, but it does not mean once hyperocus is gone, the guy wil reset his brain to the state when you were both in love. Not likely, sorry.

Chin up, there's plenty ADHD guys out there
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Old 09-18-18, 04:17 AM
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Re: ADHD, Rebound Relationships and Regret?

Maybe he wad ready to move on already even when he saw you that time.
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Old 09-18-18, 12:26 PM
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Re: ADHD, Rebound Relationships and Regret?

Also- BLOCK him from social media and block his number. There is not "being friends" that needs to happen. You are only torturing yourself.
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Old 09-18-18, 12:34 PM
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Re: ADHD, Rebound Relationships and Regret?

Hi Sarahsweets,

Thank you. I've unfriended him on all Social Media, I've also deleted his phone number and all of his texts from my phone.

I have good moment and bad moments. Unfortunately, I'm going through more bad moments than good right now. I really miss him. I miss his friendship the most. We were friends for so long - way longer than we were dating.

How does the ADHD brain forget all that so quickly?
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Old 09-18-18, 01:51 PM
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Re: ADHD, Rebound Relationships and Regret?

Why do you want a guy back who actually cheated you?

Respect yourself don’t do it please

Even if he comes back, you will lose respect for yourself
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Old 09-18-18, 03:40 PM
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Re: ADHD, Rebound Relationships and Regret?

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Originally Posted by Emre22 View Post
Why do you want a guy back who actually cheated you?

Respect yourself donít do it please

Even if he comes back, you will lose respect for yourself
I guess I didn't see it as him cheating on me. I know that the girl in question was encroaching on my relationship with my ex over the summer. I also know that my ex had exchanged FB messages with her. He didn't break up with me until he had met her in person and had spent some time with her. (BTW, we were already on a break by then - so technically, he wasn't cheating on me.) As far as I see it, he moved on very quickly and that's the part I'm trying to understand.

I don't necessarily want him back. I know that it won't work long term wise and if we were to ever get back, we would need to break up again. But since I didn't get any closure (he broke up with me via text and I never responded to him after that), I'm trying to understand his thought process - not necessarily for the purpose of getting back with him but more about understanding what goes through the mind of an ADHD person when they break up with their SO. Do they experience what NTs experience - ie, reminisce about the relationship, question their decision to break up, suffer remorse, regret, etc?
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Old 09-19-18, 06:01 AM
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Re: ADHD, Rebound Relationships and Regret?

It is not uncommon for people (of any neural makeup) to enter rebound relationships during a break or in the immediate aftermath of a breakup. It is just normal human behavior to want to escape the pain and replace what was lost. What happened to you has happened to me as well and I can sympathize with how much it can hurt to be discarded and forgotten like you never meant anything to someone who was supposed to love you. Anecdotally, this person was NT and never expressed any remorse or regret.

What goes through the mind of a person with ADHD during a breakup is more or less the same as what goes through the mind of anyone else. It varies greatly from person to person and has a lot more to do with personality than anything else. I would advise you to be careful not to chalk every action of a person up to any single condition or label. It is neither fair to the person you do it to nor will it do you any favors when trying to understand them. Personally breakups are very difficult for me, if you are looking for anecdotes.

With that out of the way, I have some good news and some bad news for you. The bad news is that closure will not come from any amount of explanations or answers to "whys," as tempting as it can be to look for them when you're missing someone and fail to understand their actions. Closure can only come from accepting the situation for what it is and that is something that invariably takes time. The good news is that you don't need to talk to him or understand him in order to get there, all you need is time to recover and it will happen more or less by itself as you get back on your feet and see things more clearly.

Let yourself grieve your lost friendship and be good to yourself during this time. You will feel better in time. Little by little, day by day, until eventually he is little more than a memory and a passing thought.
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Old 09-19-18, 06:14 AM
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Re: ADHD, Rebound Relationships and Regret?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Frustrated65 View Post
I guess I didn't see it as him cheating on me. I know that the girl in question was encroaching on my relationship with my ex over the summer. I also know that my ex had exchanged FB messages with her. He didn't break up with me until he had met her in person and had spent some time with her. (BTW, we were already on a break by then - so technically, he wasn't cheating on me.) As far as I see it, he moved on very quickly and that's the part I'm trying to understand.

I don't necessarily want him back. I know that it won't work long term wise and if we were to ever get back, we would need to break up again. But since I didn't get any closure (he broke up with me via text and I never responded to him after that), I'm trying to understand his thought process - not necessarily for the purpose of getting back with him but more about understanding what goes through the mind of an ADHD person when they break up with their SO. Do they experience what NTs experience - ie, reminisce about the relationship, question their decision to break up, suffer remorse, regret, etc?
Problem is it , you don’t see it as cheating. There is no such thing as technical cheating,creative cheating etc
Cheating is cheating

He left you for someone else
Without saying anything to you
At least he should have said , “i like someone else , i want to leave you”

We the “ADHD” people can do mistakes because of impulsivity
But it doesnt mean that we cant realize what we did
Or heartless to people that we are respınsible too

You are trying to make ADHD as an excuse

But this relationship problem has nothing to do with ADHD

I dont say forgive him or hate him

Just accept the fact, value yourself
Continue on life

Your current emotions are
Possesion, lust , missing . Not love
If it was love , you could be happy for him
Because he is happy with someone else

Let go, leave
It is key to happiness and peace in life

Last edited by Emre22; 09-19-18 at 06:26 AM..
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Old 09-20-18, 03:29 AM
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Re: ADHD, Rebound Relationships and Regret?

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Originally Posted by Emre22 View Post
Your current emotions are
Possesion, lust , missing . Not love
If it was love , you could be happy for him
Because he is happy with someone else

Emre, will you share your gf's number if so ?


Who said ADHD can't b blamed for her bf's behaviour ?

I mean we say it cause we hate the thought of ADHD influencing our free wll and hence our humanity, but then our argument is not more plausible than Frustratd's visceral need to pack her grief into an ADHD box and sent it to the space.
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Old 09-20-18, 05:17 AM
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Re: ADHD, Rebound Relationships and Regret?

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Originally Posted by userguide View Post
Emre, will you share your gf's number if so ?


Who said ADHD can't b blamed for her bf's behaviour ?

I mean we say it cause we hate the thought of ADHD influencing our free wll and hence our humanity, but then our argument is not more plausible than Frustratd's visceral need to pack her grief into an ADHD box and sent it to the space.
I cant share my gf’s phone number without her permission
Even if we break up, i still need her permission

It has nothing to do with relationship

But i would be violent without her permisson, if someone harrass her
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