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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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Old 12-10-18, 02:37 PM
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Impulsive communication / oversharing

One of the main things I need to work on right now is to become less impulsive in how I communicate with people, and what I communicate and what I hold to myself. I tend to share everything with anyone at any time. People seem to appreciate this on the one hand, seeing that I am very genuine and open, and this makes it easy to connect. On the other hand, I sometimes burden people in this way, be it with all of my endless ideas, things I worry about or just thoughts. And I can be very unstrategic in this way, sharing intimitate details of myself with people who have not proven themselves trustworthy (yet), or communicating things too early that may require some more thought or just a better timing.

This leads to problems at work and in my relationships. I don't want that, especially now that I have a date, which has a lot of potential, and I want to endanger our relationship. I have made great steps at this, but I see that it is something that needs my attention.

And also for myself: I want positive relationships with friends and family, and I want a good reputation at work, and I really see now how that suffers from my impulsive speech.

I see my positive intentions - being genuine, sharing (hopefully) good ideas, helping others by being vulnerable, all of that is great and I am proud for having those values. But I need to become smarter and more controlled, if I learn that than I will be able to live those values more, I will feel better and others will as well.

The reason for this is that I had a conversation with a senior colleague, who did not appreciate this aspect of me, and my employer who is also done with this (not with me, he told me he sees my value and has no intention of firing me).

Now, the question is, how do I move forward? I will talk about this with my therapist, I think this is the #1 move to take, and I hope she can support me make this change. I am also open to suggestions from you, and if you have similar experiences feel free to share them.

Also, I wanted to get this off my chest. My date will visit me in an hour or so and I want to be there for her. She had a long day and I want to be present in the moment, with her, not be influenced by this emotional conversation that I had. Having written this, I feel that I can understand it better and that I can make this change.

Final conclusion, perhaps I should write more, and share things with you (if you don't mind), with my own diary, and with my therapist (who I can also email). The answer I think is not to shut up about what I think and feel, but just to learn to choose the right timing, person, medium and words to share it.

I see this all as a great lesson now. It was tough, and I hope that the conversation with my colleague doesn't lead to my reputation suffering further.
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Old 12-13-18, 02:07 PM
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Re: Impulsive communication / oversharing

I am very direct, sarcastic and blunt. Even people here have told me I used to intimidate them and when it comes to printed words it can come off worse. I am actually very empathetic and compassionate. I am excellent at keeping my business to myself now. Before recovery I shared everything with everyone and a- they didnt ask, b- they didnt want to know and c- it wasnt about me, and I was being selfish. When someone needs to get support from me I always clarify am I giving support or do you want advice. If they say they want advice I make sure they are ok with honest gut level advice because I do not want to hurt them. I am a pretty good read of people and tend to know who needs more compassion and who can take the brunt force but I make mistakes. Unmedicated I am a mess. Stuff comes out of my mouth the didnt even manage to go through the should I/should I not brain filter. It just comes out.
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Old 03-05-19, 02:25 AM
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Re: Impulsive communication / oversharing

I do it too. And then I isolate because I realize I've said something, or some things, that I should have just kept to myself, and it's embarrassing. I honestly don't usually know what people think about my oversharing. I don't ever repeat things others tell me unless it's something benign, like "Sharon said to bring food Thursday".

I truly wonder if this can be a good thing though. I mean, no one else does it. they gossip, sure, but they don't share ideas or vignettes, or things they've learned or done.

I recently "overshared" my view of how some wording and items on an office questionnaire might look to patients. It asked all kinds of things that are more bureaucratic, such as exposure to second hand smoke and wearing a seat belt, but it didn't ask about cannabis use or sleep. Annoying to fill out, useless to read. There was a lot more to it that I won't...overshare...but you get the point. Of course, usually I just get a look and a comment like, "I think you're overthinking this".

Oy. I don't even know why I'm babbling on. Hey, at least I didn't start it!
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Old 03-25-19, 09:05 PM
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Re: Impulsive communication / oversharing

Oh man, I relate to this so much! Sometimes I feel like I have zero control over what comes out of my mouth. I often overshare impulsively, too. I know I have made people uncomfortable or haven't been able to stop talking even though their body language is letting me know they want the conversation to end.

You are so right though about people appreciating this in some ways. I am very good at being vulnerable, which a lot of people have trouble with, so I've been told I helped someone else share or feel validated because I shared. People also enjoy the genuine and open aspect of my communication, as you mentioned. It has made it easier for me to make friends and I have done well in jobs that involve customer service.

However, there are definitely downsides. Dating is so hard. In almost every relationship I've been in, my partner ends up knowing WAY more about me than I do them within the first few weeks because I can't stop sharing things. This has made me vulnerable to predatory men who have taken advantage of my openness by finding weaknesses they can use to manipulate and/or emotionally abuse me. Sadly, this has been the case in the majority of my relationships, and I've had some pretty traumatic experiences. So, now, I am terrified of being vulnerable with men, but I also can't seem to stop being vulnerable by oversharing. Social anxiety makes it worse. So does an eating disorder (even though I am now in recovery). I've honestly just quit dating altogether at this point, which I know is not the answer. I'm not sure what else to do until I can figure this out with my therapist.

I have been lucky to find friends who accept me as the verbose person I am and who have learned to just gently interrupt me or tell me when I'm oversharing. Mostly, they just let me ramble and I let them know they don't have to pay attention to everything I'm saying all the time. They can tell the difference between when I need them to listen and engage and when I just need them to let me ramble lol!

I am very appreciative of your post because you have such reasonable and healthy suggestions for working on this! Therapy is always #1! Writing is also an excellent way to get things out and I think I will join you in sharing things more on this forum. Also, I love that you mention "learning to choose the right timing, person, medium and words"!

Thanks for sharing! I found this really relieving and validating to read!
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