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Old 03-05-19, 06:56 PM
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How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

I know I've discussed this before but I still haven't come to a conclusion. Anyway there are two parts to my post.

TLDR:

1. The question in the title?
2. How would you tell your parents they can't stay that long without hurting them or making them feel unloved or unwelcome?

So my parents usually stay with us for about 3-4 months every year, ie about two months twice a year. It leads to huge conflicts between hubby and me as he doesn't feel.comfortable when they are around. His parents visit as well but only stay about six weeks every year.

My parents don't ask for much and help out a lot. They do all the cooking and lots of cleaning (not that I want them to) when they are here and pay for all the shopping and everytime we go out. They are also a huge help with fuzzling and she loves having them around. On the flip side they clutter up the house, which hubby hates and well, they are just always around even if they don't ask much from us..not even to spend much time with them. It's not like we need to entertain them.

I was a bit upset with hubby for giving me such a hard time but then I read a thread on Mumsnet where the posters seemed to agree that about two weeks are the maximum for visitors from the other side of the globe so I'm mellowing a bit towards hubby's view points .. or his suffering...

What do you guys think?

Where I'm from joint families are sort of common (though traditionally parents stay with the eldest son and not daughter) and not allowing your parents to stay for az long as they wish would be considered terribly selfish and hard hearted (I think).

2. So I just proposed to my parents that we (or they) buy a flat close to our house so they can stay here in the UK for as long as they want every year and they will be close enough to use that we can see each other every day without them actually living here. The added advantage is that if they fall ill I'd be close enough to look after them or to bring them to our house if necessary and j could help them with a lot of other stuff.

Admittedly I stressed the latter point and I'm not sure if I said directly that of they want to stay longer than about two months they need to move to their own place.

Anyway my dad wanted to hear nothing of it. He said never ever. We had a big discussion and basically he wants to come and go to our house as he pleases and stay for as long as he wants to without making or letting us know about his plans. They don't want a separate set up here.

So this means that when they come the next time I'll have to tell them in no uncertain terms that they can't stay longer than for two months and I'm already dreading that conversation. I guess Ill get annoyed and say something along the lines of I suggested you buy a flat to stay as long as you want to and you said no so now you can't squat here for six months.

I don't know. What's a better way to say this? Without hurting them (assuming that it's reasonable to say anything at all or restrict their stay).
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Old 03-05-19, 07:18 PM
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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

It is reasonable to restrict their stay a bit Fuzzy, it's not like you'd be saying to them "you can never stay here with us or see Fuzzling" or anything like that
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Old 03-05-19, 08:33 PM
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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

It's a hard situation you're in. My general thoughts are that you can't satisfy everybody. I'd suggest prioritizing yourself and your immediate family first. You can't begin to take care of others until you've taken care of yourself first.

Also, this is just my preference, but I either want to live with someone, or I don't. 6 months versus 2 months is irrelevant to me. If I wouldn't want someone to live with me for 6 months, I wouldn't want them to live with me for 2 months either.

It's understandable that your parents would want to live with you, but it's not reasonable for them to demand it. You have your needs, your husband has his needs, and those come first.
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Old 03-05-19, 09:16 PM
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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

They want that family feeling. Overlook the clutter, enjoy the food and family time with Fuzzette.
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Old 03-05-19, 10:48 PM
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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

Assuming my understanding of the situation is correct...
can you sponsor them to move to the UK? If they have their own place nearby you can have help all the time not just 3 to 4 months and a change of scene of going to grandma's house will be exciting for Fuzzling. My grandparents immigrated to Australia in their 80s so they would have people to take care of them in their old age
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Old 03-06-19, 05:06 AM
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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

You've been struggling with this for a long time now and it sounds like there's a lot in the mix.

I'd pick up on your fathers refusal to countenance a flat near you. It sounds like your parents may be enjoying the "living in family" part of being with you and don't want to give that up.

I wonder if they live on their own in their home country and are lonely. Possibly being with you distracts them from their own situation/relationship.

Living in a flat in the UK would therefore be similar to their home living situation and take away something they are using to avoid their own relational loneliness and sense of old age.

It sounds like there is a fear there and they are not used to other people having boundaries that cross theirs.

I like the Non-Violent Communication Model
Observation
Feeling
Need
Request

You can get a book about it by Marshall Rosenberg.

The key thing is the "need", you have a need and they have a need. It sounds like all of you have difficulty sensing into and openly expressing needs to each other, which makes it very difficult to sort out a compromise that at least partially meets everyone's needs.

The idea of exploring what their underlying needs are is probably something completely alien to your parents, which means it's not something that's been modelled to you.
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Old 03-06-19, 09:40 AM
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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

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Originally Posted by CharlesH View Post
It's a hard situation you're in. My general thoughts are that you can't satisfy everybody. I'd suggest prioritizing yourself and your immediate family first. You can't begin to take care of others until you've taken care of yourself first.

Also, this is just my preference, but I either want to live with someone, or I don't. 6 months versus 2 months is irrelevant to me. If I wouldn't want someone to live with me for 6 months, I wouldn't want them to live with me for 2 months either.

It's understandable that your parents would want to live with you, but it's not reasonable for them to demand it. You have your needs, your husband has his needs, and those come first.
I'm assuming that by immediate family you mean hubby and fuzzling or do you mean my parents? I think hubby would love it if my parents didn't ever visit but he puts up with them for their sake and for my sake so a shorter time is definitely preferable to him.

You see I don't know whose needs come first or whose needs I should prioritise. My dad is in his eighties now. He isn't going to live much longer. Shouldn't I make his remaining life as pleasant as possible?
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Old 03-06-19, 09:41 AM
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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

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Originally Posted by Little Missy View Post
They want that family feeling. Overlook the clutter, enjoy the food and family time with Fuzzette.
I know but what about the hubster?
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Old 03-06-19, 09:45 AM
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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tudorose View Post
Assuming my understanding of the situation is correct...
can you sponsor them to move to the UK? If they have their own place nearby you can have help all the time not just 3 to 4 months and a change of scene of going to grandma's house will be exciting for Fuzzling. My grandparents immigrated to Australia in their 80s so they would have people to take care of them in their old age
That's what I was trying to propose. It would be perfect also because then is intended have to worry anymore about what to do when they fall ill as I'd be close by. I don't need to sponsor them. They have been urging me to buy a flat with their money for years as an investment (for me). So I said I don't want an investment but we could buy a flat for them to stay so they can come and go as they like. I said I could take them shopping and help with everything including managing the place.

They consider the country they live in as their home and like kilted said they really just want the family experience here. My dad definitely doesn't get bored there but I guess he might miss us.
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Old 03-06-19, 09:52 AM
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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by kilted_scotsman View Post
You've been struggling with this for a long time now and it sounds like there's a lot in the mix.

I'd pick up on your fathers refusal to countenance a flat near you. It sounds like your parents may be enjoying the "living in family" part of being with you and don't want to give that up.

I wonder if they live on their own in their home country and are lonely. Possibly being with you distracts them from their own situation/relationship.

Living in a flat in the UK would therefore be similar to their home living situation and take away something they are using to avoid their own relational loneliness and sense of old age.

It sounds like there is a fear there and they are not used to other people having boundaries that cross theirs.

I like the Non-Violent Communication Model
Observation
Feeling
Need
Request

You can get a book about it by Marshall Rosenberg.

The key thing is the "need", you have a need and they have a need. It sounds like all of you have difficulty sensing into and openly expressing needs to each other, which makes it very difficult to sort out a compromise that at least partially meets everyone's needs.

The idea of exploring what their underlying needs are is probably something completely alien to your parents, which means it's not something that's been modelled to you.
Living in a flat in the UK would be like living on their own in their home country but without the benefits of their home country, ie the social life they have therey relatives, the nice weather and a very large and comfortable house. I can see why they don't want to move here but my plan was that they stay with us every year for two months or so and then if they want to stay longer they could go to their flat here and then go back to their home in India whenever they fancy.

I couldn't put it so plainly as my dad is super sensitive and any hint that he might not be welcome here for as long as he pleases would be very hurtful to him. I think that's how he interpreted my idea anyway which is probably why he reacted so strongly and negatively to it.

Needs? Boundaries? These are alien concepts. My dad is a good dad but he only ever considers his own wants. And he's used to me and especially my mum doing the same. However I don't care what's right or fair. I just don't want to hurt him but I need to balance that with not hurting hubby. That's the conflict.
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Old 03-06-19, 12:53 PM
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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

Fuzzy- I know you have mentioned having issues yourself with their lengthy visits not just as it pertains to your husband's issues with it and it really does come down to boundaries and what you are willing to tolerate and how uncomfortable you are willing to let either your parents or husband become. I could never stand it and I am super close to my mom. In fact I dont even like friends to stay very long but that is another story. I was always told that there was never enough room for two families under one roof and I believe that to be true. Your nuclear family should ideally come first. It is your husband you married and had a child with and his wishes have to count for something. I get it that your parents might be hurt-any parents used to staying that long might but you have to decide if them being hurt a little bit is worth more than your husband being resentful and hurt a lot. If the two are equal or your parents' happiness seems more important than you have your answer and hopefully your husband can deal with it. If you are really leaning towards peace with in your own nuclear unit than you will have to have hard conversations and have them in a definitive way- not as a suggestion or a maybe and not as if you are doing something for them. It should be for you. It all honestly doesn't sound completely healthy. Culturally I get it. Many times in different cultures families live all together or inlaws live with their children but it depends on how much you adhere to cultural norms in your life. I think having them get a hotel or flat makes sense. it gives you space and they still get to see everyone all they want. Another compromise with your husband might be that they come for a month at a time or a month at a time a few times a year? If they can afford it I guess. Through therapy that I re-started recently I am learning all about level of tolerance. There is a sort of high-grade level that is slightly uncomfortable but manageable and then midgrade which is sort of the best time to make changes to adjust it, or accept the discomfort. By the time it reaches low-as in little to know tolerance and pain and emotional issues that is when you run the risk of really losing yourself. I went through something like that after my son's stroke between him and my older addict daughter I just lost it and suffered through a legit period of disassociation which never happened to me. It was like my body couldn't take it and shut off my mind and I was useless for a few days. My point is its up to you to either practice radical acceptance or change it. (it helps to read about DBT therapy skills too).
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Old 03-06-19, 10:32 PM
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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
I'm assuming that by immediate family you mean hubby and fuzzling or do you mean my parents? I think hubby would love it if my parents didn't ever visit but he puts up with them for their sake and for my sake so a shorter time is definitely preferable to him.

You see I don't know whose needs come first or whose needs I should prioritise. My dad is in his eighties now. He isn't going to live much longer. Shouldn't I make his remaining life as pleasant as possible?
By immediate family, I mean your husband and fuzzling. Again, it's a tough situation that you're in. My impression is that, when in doubt, it's better to err on the side of your spouse and child. While it'd be great if you could make your parents happy, you didn't choose to have them as parents. You did choose to marry your husband and to have a child, so your commitment to them comes first, IMO.
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Old 04-09-19, 11:10 PM
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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?
The partner whom can't stand their parents is 'the one'
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Old 04-10-19, 03:03 AM
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Re: How long would you put up with the parents of your partner?

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How would you tell your parents they can't stay that long without hurting them or making them feel unloved or unwelcome?
The thing is, you aren't responsible for your parents' feelings. You can't "make" them feel anything.

I value the mention of nonviolent communication. These are powerful tools.

Put your marriage first. Don't let resentment fester all because, through your actions, you told your husband that he and his needs were unimportant. Also, it communicates you do not value your relationship with, and marriage to, your husband.

That creates a toxic environment for Fuzzling.


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