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Old 03-27-19, 03:34 PM
Ozzels Ozzels is offline
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Feeling worthless and guilty - how to cope?

Hi, i'm new here! I'm 30 years old and newly diagnosed. Get ready for a long read

So, at the end of 2017 i miraculously finished my education as an IT supporter/technician (with a solid B on average and a very big F on my final exam.. But i passed.)

The university i work at decided to keep me for a year after my apprenticeship ended, and in January this year, i got extended another eight months. A little disappointed that i didn't get a permanent job at the best place i ever worked, but still a huge success for me as i've failed a lot of employments and educations before.
Work hours are flexible, people are nice, the perfect place for me to be my quirky self. My boss and colleagues don't know about my ADHD diagnosis (diagnosed March 2019), and i have no plans to tell them.

The thing is, even though all this sounds great, i feel worthless, stupid and guilty almost all day every day, like a constant feeling, like a headache that won't go away.
Guilty, because i feel like people think i'm very lazy. I've had A LOT of sick days and spontaneous time off because of mental overload, but i always do my stuff and work from home the best that i can.
I have a new intern at my dept. that has now taken over and completed a couple of my old scripting assignments, as i simply did not have the time nor energy/concentration to do them when they were assigned to me. My boss told me at the time that these assignments should be done strictly in my own time, basically as a "hobby" thing after work hours. As mentioned, i never got the time to do them.
But now, after he actually gave the intern free hands, they're done, and he's STOKED. The intern can't do the basic internship assignments that i tought him, i feel like he is elevated to some kind of golden boy.
I feel super guilty and like i've "lost the fight". I feel like i'm basically not needed anymore. I feel punished every time he praises my colleagues, like it's a personal insult to me, even though i know that's not the case.
Yet another thing i couldn't accomplish.

On top of this, i feel guilt and worthlessness already and always have, no matter what i do. I feel like i have to run faster and work harder than others to not look stupid and lazy. If i'm not stressed out, i'm doing something wrong.
I catch myself creating medium to large assignments, making promises to my boss that i can barely keep because of my current workload. I use this to vocally clarify to others, that i am, in fact, not lazy, and i can do it all.
It feels like a survival instinct, i simply HAVE to convince them that i'm the best at everything i do, i NEED to be the go-to person and it's completely draining me. It doesn't make me feel better at all. I still feel worthless and guilty, like i'm not doing enough, i don't contribute.

On top of all this, I've started looking for a new job because my employment is ending in August. I'm very nervous that these feelings will continue and/or get worse, as i have to convince a whole new group of people that i'm a super woman. I need to learn to cope and let go.

When i went to my doctor, he informed me that i definitely have ADHD that needs treatment, and i'm on the verge of stress depression. I've started to try out medication called Motiron (i think it's the same as Aderall). My doctor advised me to try out 30mg or higher three times a day. So i'm very new at this!

Does anyone feel the same? How do you cope with these feelings? Is it normal?
Have any of you told your workplace about diagnosis and medicine? If yes, how did they react and did anything change?
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Old 03-29-19, 06:10 AM
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Re: Feeling worthless and guilty - how to cope?

Have you tried therapy before?
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Old 03-29-19, 12:36 PM
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Re: Feeling worthless and guilty - how to cope?

Your new med is actually more like our Ritalin, and I don't have any experience
in that, dosing or otherwise. But with all these meds, it's best to start with the
minimum dose and gradually increase. That way you aren't slammed by side
effects.

I did find CBT (cognitive behaviorial therapy) very helpful in sorting out my
thoughts of guilt and anxiety. If that's available, you might give it a try.
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Old 03-30-19, 05:15 AM
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Re: Feeling worthless and guilty - how to cope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
Have you tried therapy before?
Yes, i have been in various types of therapy as long as i can remember.

I'm thinking that it's probably the stress shining throug but idon't know, i'm pretty new to this, even though i've felt like this for all of my life :/
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Old 03-30-19, 05:20 AM
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Re: Feeling worthless and guilty - how to cope?

I thought a lot about the dose, but i actually don't have that many untolerable side effects. My doc warned me before i started the meds that i was going to experience some "mental dives" in the start. I definitely feel them, but they pass quickly.

I'll have to look into CBT. Did you seek out a therapist who specializes in ADD/ADHD?
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Old 03-30-19, 01:01 PM
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Re: Feeling worthless and guilty - how to cope?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ozzels View Post
I thought a lot about the dose, but i actually don't have that many untolerable side effects. My doc warned me before i started the meds that i was going to experience some "mental dives" in the start. I definitely feel them, but they pass quickly.

I'll have to look into CBT. Did you seek out a therapist who specializes in ADD/ADHD?
Totally by accident I had found that Omega 3 fish oil treats my adhd very well.
So I was only looking for some help with the life long anxiety at that time.
I live in the midwest, at least a 3 hour drive from any big cities where that kind
of specialist might be found. We did have to make that drive to Kansas City to
a teaching hospital to get my ASD granddaughter diagnosed 10 years ago. Now
there are a few pediatric development diagnosticians in our area. I believe that
I have ASD as well.
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Old 03-31-19, 02:55 PM
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Re: Feeling worthless and guilty - how to cope?

I'd seek a job with long-term assignments, if only that's possible in IT support.
But maybe you may upgrade you skills to be more independent in your job roles ?

Or try servicing PCs part-time, you won't be as pressured as on a daily job and people will provide a constant flow o gratifiction (cash).
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