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Old 04-03-19, 06:15 PM
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Can someone talk some sense into me, please?

I'm just going to get right to the main point since even to me it seems like such a non issue that I really shouldn't be posting about it (especially since I disappeared for a while).

^^ so much for getting right to the point...

Anyway same old same old:

I posted a while ago about how bothered I was by hubby giving me a hard time for my parents staying with us for about four months a year and the responses I got really made me see sense. My anger vanished and I was able to see it from hubby's side. So I'm asking can you do the same again please?

Hubby is for a few days for work in the city where my parents live on the other side of the globe. I'd told my parents that he'd be too busy to visit them and they were totally understanding of that and just said it would be nice if he called on the phone to say hi. So i told hubby and he said he'd call them. Of course he didn't. I reminded him tonight and he came out with some lame excuse about bla bla bla not getting through. He's flying back tomorrow morning but he magnanimously offered to call them from the airport. On roaming apparently.



I'm livid and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because my dad asked why he didn't call and whether he didn't want to speak to them. I know he's been super busy but still. He knows that this would have been important to me. He also knows how much pressure his mum puts on me. There's no way I could have visited his home city and got away with not visiting her. Every day and having the rest of my days planned out. I didn't even go to one of my best friend's wedding because she made my trip so complex and stressful wanting me to visit all kinds of places when I only had like a week of so. Uggh...I forget who or what I'm ranting about.

Right hubby. So he didn't call. I know it's not a big deal. I know he's been busy and I know that after their most recent stay they are probably the last people he fancies talking to. Still does he have to make it so obvious? To them as well? And wtf is the bull **** about roaming? Am I supposed to be grateful that he's going to spend a couple of pounds more to call them for two minutes on roaming. It's not mine or their fault that he didn't call this entire week when he could have done it for free.

I know it's not a big deal but considering how many arguments we've had about this **** and how much grief he gives me about my parents and how much grief I get from his mum I'd have thought he'd be a bit more diplomatic about it and at least be polite enough to call. And my dad is a bit hurt that he didn't call and I hate that and I hate that I had to make excuses for him. It seems like I constantly have to make excuses to someone or the other.

I was so annoyed that I couldn't do anything for the rest of the evening and in frustration I ate up all of fuzzling's cocopops.

I'd been looking forward to prepare something for work but now of course I haven't so on top of being annoyed with hubby I am loathing myself too. And I'm blaming hubby for that as well.

Hubby is going to be back tomorrow and I don't know how to shake the annoyance till then. If I say anything we will end up having big big argument but I'm absolutely terrible at hiding my feelings and I can't act lovey dovey or like everything is fine when it isn't.
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Old 04-03-19, 06:22 PM
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Re: Can someone talk some sense into me, please?

Maybe he was genuinely busy and forgot, Fuzzy
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Old 04-03-19, 07:23 PM
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Re: Can someone talk some sense into me, please?

Hey, Fuzzy!

I definitely understand not being able to shake anger sometimes. I swear it is the stickiest emotion for me. I don't know if it is tied to ADHD and how adding intense emotion into the equation activates all the symptoms, but either way, everyone gets stuck sometimes!

I've had some of those moments lately with my closest friend, who can be inconsiderate and fail to see the value of doing something entirely because it helps someone else. It can make it hard to be as close to him as I am.

There are a few things I have learned along the way that I have to actively remind myself of when I get trapped in anger about something he did/said/didn't do/didn't say...

(some of this is paraphrased from things I've read over the years and just can't remember where right now. I can't claim ownership of these ideas.)

I can't change him. It won't work, so I can stop trying.

It is not my responsibility to make excuses for him to anyone else or to help him avoid the natural consequences of his behavior.

It is also not my responsibility to impose any consequences that would not otherwise occur.

If his behavior won't change, then I consider how it makes me feel so that I can identify where I need to place a boundary. I decide if the boundary is negotiable.

I then clearly and calmly communicate the boundary. If possible, I express how crossing it makes me feel - using the boundary as the focal point instead of "you". I take care not to use this conversation as an opportunity to point the finger or argue about past behavior.

Once that is established, I usually feel better and I am able to let the anger go and observe what happens. Sometimes they are crossed again and the process starts over and/or the natural consequences trigger change.

Lastly, I remind myself that I am responsible for my own emotions and he is responsible for his, and this also goes for anyone else in my life.

An example of part of this I see in your story is making excuses for your husband upsetting your parents by not communicating with them. What would happen if you didn't make that excuse and just told your parents that you don't know why he didn't call and it frustrates you, too; then encouraged them to communicate directly with him about it?

I know all of that sounds a hell of a lot easier than it sounds. Relationships are a lot more complicated than a couple of steps and self-help quotes. I definitely don't mean to minimize or be preachy. Relationships are hard and I make all kinds of mistakes and don't follow my own advice all the time. Even if I do, sometimes it doesn't work out the way I thought it would.

If all you can do is express your anger and keep going, that's ok! That is more than a lot of people can do with their anger in relationships! You are ahead of the game just making this post! I hope it helped you feel a little better : )
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Old 04-04-19, 06:35 AM
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Re: Can someone talk some sense into me, please?

Quote:
Can someone talk some sense into me, please?
/tries in earnest to stuff 2 pennies and a nickle into Fuzz-Fuzz's left ear.

OH! I thought for sure you meant "cents"!



It's not a big deal...only, it really kinda is.

He told you he was going to do something...and then he broke that promise and didn't.
And it's probably not a big deal to him personally...so on top of breaking his word to you, he's also dismissing what's a sensitive and important thing for you.
It is frustrating, and IMHO your hurt feelings here are justified .

Wish I had some advice on how to go about working it out with him though . Its stuff like this that has built up over many years with my dad which keep me resentful towards him. It's "small, seemingly insignificant" broken promises like this that keep me at a distance.

...
Also...
You can keep the 2 pennies.
But, can I have the nickle back please?
Times are tough and cents don't just grow on trees you know!


(((((((My-Favoritetest-Fuzzy-Wuzz-Wuzz)))))))
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Old 04-04-19, 08:03 AM
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Re: Can someone talk some sense into me, please?

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
/tries in earnest to stuff 2 pennies and a nickle into Fuzz-Fuzz's left ear.

OH! I thought for sure you meant "cents"!



It's not a big deal...only, it really kinda is.

He told you he was going to do something...and then he broke that promise and didn't.
And it's probably not a big deal to him personally...so on top of breaking his word to you, he's also dismissing what's a sensitive and important thing for you.
It is frustrating, and IMHO your hurt feelings here are justified .

Wish I had some advice on how to go about working it out with him though . Its stuff like this that has built up over many years with my dad which keep me resentful towards him. It's "small, seemingly insignificant" broken promises like this that keep me at a distance.

...
Also...
You can keep the 2 pennies.
But, can I have the nickle back please?
Times are tough and cents don't just grow on trees you know!


(((((((My-Favoritetest-Fuzzy-Wuzz-Wuzz)))))))
My favouritest psYcho

He called me from the airport he's transitting in I and told me spoke to my dad today morning.

Phew so I can stop feeling like ****. My main dilemma was zhatz I was annoyed with him but didn't want to start an argument but then he always knows when I'm annoyed so it's not like I can hide it.

I'm very sensitive about anything that concerns my parents. Otherwise I'm not too hard on people breaking their promise because I do it all the time.
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Old 04-04-19, 08:04 AM
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Post Re: Can someone talk some sense into me, please?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ADHD_Trekkie View Post
Hey, Fuzzy!

I definitely understand not being able to shake anger sometimes. I swear it is the stickiest emotion for me. I don't know if it is tied to ADHD and how adding intense emotion into the equation activates all the symptoms, but either way, everyone gets stuck sometimes!

I've had some of those moments lately with my closest friend, who can be inconsiderate and fail to see the value of doing something entirely because it helps someone else. It can make it hard to be as close to him as I am.

There are a few things I have learned along the way that I have to actively remind myself of when I get trapped in anger about something he did/said/didn't do/didn't say...

(some of this is paraphrased from things I've read over the years and just can't remember where right now. I can't claim ownership of these ideas.)

I can't change him. It won't work, so I can stop trying.

It is not my responsibility to make excuses for him to anyone else or to help him avoid the natural consequences of his behavior.

It is also not my responsibility to impose any consequences that would not otherwise occur.

If his behavior won't change, then I consider how it makes me feel so that I can identify where I need to place a boundary. I decide if the boundary is negotiable.

I then clearly and calmly communicate the boundary. If possible, I express how crossing it makes me feel - using the boundary as the focal point instead of "you". I take care not to use this conversation as an opportunity to point the finger or argue about past behavior.

Once that is established, I usually feel better and I am able to let the anger go and observe what happens. Sometimes they are crossed again and the process starts over and/or the natural consequences trigger change.

Lastly, I remind myself that I am responsible for my own emotions and he is responsible for his, and this also goes for anyone else in my life.

An example of part of this I see in your story is making excuses for your husband upsetting your parents by not communicating with them. What would happen if you didn't make that excuse and just told your parents that you don't know why he didn't call and it frustrates you, too; then encouraged them to communicate directly with him about it?

I know all of that sounds a hell of a lot easier than it sounds. Relationships are a lot more complicated than a couple of steps and self-help quotes. I definitely don't mean to minimize or be preachy. Relationships are hard and I make all kinds of mistakes and don't follow my own advice all the time. Even if I do, sometimes it doesn't work out the way I thought it would.

If all you can do is express your anger and keep going, that's ok! That is more than a lot of people can do with their anger in relationships! You are ahead of the game just making this post! I hope it helped you feel a little better : )
Not having to make excuses is good advice. I almost took it. I mean I decided today morning that they can all go to hell and my dad and hubby can sort it out themselves if they want to.

I will remember for next time! I hope
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Old 04-04-19, 08:06 AM
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Re: Can someone talk some sense into me, please?

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Originally Posted by midnightstar View Post
Maybe he was genuinely busy and forgot, Fuzzy
Yes that is why I didn't want to make a big fuss. He'd say he just forgot and I'd sound all suspicious and petty and we would end up having a huge argument.

I don't know exactly why I overreactr so much about stuff like this.
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Old 04-05-19, 04:50 AM
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Re: Can someone talk some sense into me, please?

Having to travel for work is so hard. I would have forgotten too
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