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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #1  
Old 07-01-04, 08:53 PM
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Angry Why must Non ADDers look at me with such contempt

People wonder why I get so fed up with social interaction.......Heh.....Try going to the store just to pick up smokes and having the guy behind the counter looking at you an having the "Oh Christ, Not this ***** Again!" and rolling his eyes when I tell him in a polite way that he gave me the wrong pack....I was using plain english...it should not be so damn hard to understand....and idiot me appologized...What for?

What happened today is just an example of the exact treatment I get from everyone I have to interact with when I leave the house...and mostly when I go to the same place often.

What is so G'D wrong with me? As polite as I am to people I should get some respect. Do I talk to low? Do I ask for too much? Is asking for help too annoying for someone WHO'S JOB IT IS TO HELP?

I am soooooo sick of living here....but does not where I go I am treated the same way!!!!!! I wish I could just live alone in the mountains some where that has NO PEOPLE!!!!! I am better off there it seems!
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Old 07-01-04, 10:01 PM
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Mel, I have no clue whats wrong with those people. I have never seen you in a social situation, but I can't imagin you provoking those kinds of looks.
My sister often (used too, I'm not sure now)says/thinks people are rude to her too.
While I on the other hand don't experience that. Although people I don't know have seemed rude I just let it go and don't take it personal. Now I hardly notice anyone ever like that. Maybe it has to do with not looking for it or personalising it? I just feel compasion for them or a slight contempt that they are not doind their job to make the customers comfortable.

I don't mean to belittle your experience, I just don't understand how you could provoke nasty looks from a salesperson when your just buying smokes etc... Which in a nutshell means= It doesn't have anything to do with you personally, they don't know you, and your not doing anything but going about your own buisness. Are you sure all these people aren't related!
Love ya, j9
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Old 07-01-04, 10:05 PM
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I truly don't think it's you...just poor service. Never apologize and roll with the punches. Kill them with kindness. At least you walk away the better person.
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Old 07-01-04, 11:03 PM
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That is terrible, you know when someone rubs me the wrong way, I make sure to take my business elsewhere, I am not an agressive person myself. But I can sure get mad about things like that.

On the other hand, I think I usually am in my own little world to notice very much around me, well most times.

I do get riled enough to step in front of people and cut them off when they think they are going to ack like I "am not there"! Have had some just that rude to try.

Think if anything I just give people dirty looks if they want to start that stuff and then walk away... just enough attitude to let them know not to mess with me.
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Old 07-02-04, 12:37 AM
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Thank J9 No offence hun.

Andi I did smile as I left and outside gave him one of the dirty looks Nightstar mentioned...don't mess with me...or I'll make you hurt....Not even violent...People like that hate to hear the real deep down truth about themselves.
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Old 07-02-04, 12:43 AM
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Huggos Mel...you could always kick them in da pants....but...heh

Arg, I know what you mean...that's why I don't associate with people who don't make me feel good. Well, I try not to anyway.
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Old 07-02-04, 01:01 AM
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Don't blame you and why should ya have to....we all are human being for Doot's sake...but if all they do is make me feel bad about myself why should I want to be around them anyway.

And How did I know you were going to say Kick em in da pants!? LMAO
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Old 07-02-04, 10:21 AM
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Because you are a smart Mellymoot!!!
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Old 07-02-04, 11:22 AM
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Mel,
I am sorry you again had another bad experience! I am sure it just reinforces that you do not want to go out unless you have to. I am going to go a long the same line as JB.
Is there a possibility that because it has happened a few times that you now are interpeting every look or comment as negative. One thing I have learned is that if people are haveing a rough day they may be short with you, but not rude. I know I used to think everyone was mad at me if they did not give me a smile or stop and chat. I know that is not the case now.
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Old 07-02-04, 04:10 PM
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Me thinks we both have trust issues in that arena Babay....I trust ppl as far as I can throw them...Pro Wrestler I am not if u get me drift.

Thanks Jaimejoot....ya goofy Chickachoot!
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Old 07-07-04, 09:07 AM
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Mel,

Try using your anger constructively. It's hard to stand up for yourself, I know, but in a customer service environment that employee has an obligation to you, his employer, and one would hope to his own self respect as a person, to treat customers with respect. If he can't manage that, then he's the one with a problem, NOT YOU.

Part of it may be your natural sensitivity dear. He may simply be your average "hates his job" jerk behind the counter and that attitude could be hitting you right in the face. Most people blow it right off, or being insensitive themselves, don't even notice it, but folks like us FEEL it. Because of past experience we tend to personalize it. He may or may not have a problem with you. However, he obviously does have a problem with customer service and you are sensitive and so it REALLY matters to you.

Rather than get increasingly hurt, which will lead to typical ADD avoidance behaviors. I would suggest you confront the little rat next time. Being in the Navy, I had to learn to be more confrontational about my sensitivities. Entertainment on ships at sea involves people finding your buttons and pushing them. However, it wasn't an all bad experience. I learned, among other things, that most of these folks were at least as screwed up as I was, if in different ways. All of them were just as vulnerable, if not as sensitive in general, and for the most part none of them had the picture of me I had of myself. So, in asserting myself, I ended up not just feeling a hell of a lot less tread upon, but also learned an awful lot.

Besides, if this little Bastidge is specifically picking on you, it's because he thinks he can get away with it. It's one of those Emotional Power things. He has no actual power over you as he's just the clerk and he works for you and his boss, but if he can make you feel small then he has emotional power over you. That only works if you abdicate your own power though. So, next time he pulls that, simply politely ask him if there's a problem because his attitude and general demeanor seem to suggest that he dislikes customer service. Be firm when you say it, make eye contact, but keep your voice level. As though you were talking to a misbehaving child, but without the indulgent tone.

Assertive stances, demand respect without provoking an aggressive response. I don't know if you're up to it Melly but it works and it makes you feel WORLDS better. It's important to keep the anger out of your voice and just be matter of fact though. Anger makes people feel threatened and then you're not being assertive, your being aggressive. Aggressive behavior provokes aggressive responses.

If the clerk doesn't respond favorably to an assertive approach, simply suggest customer service probably isn't the best choice of work for him. The management numbers are almost always posted on the doors, or other prominent places. Don't bother asking because if he's being uncooperative now he's got that temporary lever again. Simply get out a pen and as conspicuously or inconspicuously as you like write down the number and call at your convenience. If you don't have a name, make note of the time. Management can figure out who was working the counter from the schedule. Sound mean? Mean, is jerks who make life hard on other people for expecting them to do a job they get paid for. You hurt no one, and you're sweet as can be. Maybe a wake up call is just what the doctor ordered for that guy!

Sorry, I get a little long winded...
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Old 07-15-04, 02:40 AM
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"Assertive stances, demand respect without provoking an aggressive response. I don't know if you're up to it Melly but it works and it makes you feel WORLDS better. It's important to keep the anger out of your voice and just be matter of fact though. Anger makes people feel threatened and then you're not being assertive, your being aggressive. Aggressive behavior provokes aggressive responses."

OK How I do that without biting people's head off...when they makes me so grrrrr
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Old 07-15-04, 12:02 PM
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Mel,

Easy! Well.... Easier said than done.... Heh, heh... A good start would be to use what's called an "I statement". Typically people might say something like "You are such a JERK!" As you can see, that's pretty obviously aggressive. What's not so obvious is that the "You" in that statement is as responsible for the aggressive tone as the insult.

But a person could say, "I feel left out in the cold when you get quiet, because I very much value your input" instead of say, "It really ****es me off when you give me the silent treatment!" See the difference? The first one is assertive communication, the second is aggressive. "I statements" work because you deal only with your own feelings regarding the outward behaviors of others without forcing judgements on them.

You don't have to use these statements though. Just taking a deep breath, and calmly defending your interests in a given situation is plenty. You don't have to argue. All you have to do is say your piece calmly, in as diplomatic a fashion as possible, and move on.

With the clerk, I would simply ask quite calmly if he has some sort of problem with you, customers in general, or is just having a bad day? Many times you will find, it has nothing to do with you. Often times persons don't realize their moods are affecting others the way they are. When they realize this they generally try very hard to fix it.

Don't worry about them getting upset at you for doing this. They don't determine your worth as a person.
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Old 07-15-04, 12:11 PM
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OOOOOOO I remember the "I feel" statements......Hit em where it hurts by stating what it is doing to you! Heh...Say it with a frown and den smile to not give them the satisfaction of letting them know it bothers you!(Last Part I threw in as a bonus)
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Old 07-16-04, 01:33 PM
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Mel--I agree with E-Boy, as I typically do , the more you are assertive and use tools like the I statement, the easier and more comfortable it will feel. The goal is not to knock the other person down for doing bad things (luckily, that job belongs to Someone Else) you just want to do enough to stand up for yourself and say your piece. That makes sure they know they did not knock you down. It really doesn't even matter all that much if they agree with or even understand you. You do it for your own benefit, not theirs.

You can practice doing this with a "safe" person, maybe your mom or peple here. Someone who you trust and know will be supportive. It could be a real or pretend situation for practice.

Once you feel comfortable using the words, pick out a specific situation and have a little script ready in your head. The man at the cona' sto' would be a good one to start with because you pretty much know what to expect with him. Does your mom come in with you? It would probably be easier to be assertive the first time you try if she was in there with you for moral support.

Another thing I think is good about being assertive vs. being aggressive is that many times, I have completely misinterpreted the entire situation to begin with, and if I am assertive, I don't come off all witchy and crazy like I would if I had been aggressive. I have learned, when I have agressive thoughts and feel like lashing out, to catch myself and flip a little switch that makes the words come out kind of neutral. How the person responds to the "I statements" and such will usually make their original intentions clear to me and then I can decide how to proceed, having the benefit of better information.

Good luck...I know you can do it.
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