Meeting with School Today

[sarahsweets]

I wish I had been more sensitive and compassionate with my reply- sorry.

Originally Posted by Jen_in_SanJose

It is suffering because he can't focus. He gets anxiety about not finishing assignments. He isn't like one of those kids that doesn't care and blows it off. He is literally in a panic in the morning if he knows he didn't finish something. And for what? Because he didn't write the 20th sentence to correct grammar that he already knows and it would be more appropriate to just correct the grammar rather than re-write the entire sentence.

I think rather than eliminating extra or "busy"work he should just be allowed more time to do it.This way its fair in that he still does what all the kids are doing but when it comes to homework or even unfinished classwork he should be allowed to finish it with more time or at home. Busy work or not, I believe that the repetition is important.

As for "testing out", again we are in a private school. It doesn't work that way. The material he is learning is only 25% of it for me. I want him well rounded, interested and exposed to lots of different things and his peers. Socially he is in the right class. I would never want him younger in grade, especially in the HS years when he will be immature and unable to handle the peer craziness plus the workload.

Does the school have a gifted sort of class?My son's school had a Gifted program that was just a pull out program once a week where they did challenging things but everything else was just regular work and the same regular classes.

More kids at our school stay back as the work is challenging(they are likely doing 5th grade work compared to public school), so for example my daughter is 11 in 6th grade but she has at least 5 kids that just turned 13... He is already in advanced math, so we are all good. At this stage I am not even sure college will be the right place for him. Yes he is super smart, but if he doesn't enjoy school he will need to find something he is passionate about and that will make him excited to learn. Right now he wants to be a chef. Yes, he can focus on a recipe for well over an hour...He is 9 and makes some really good food. Everything that I have read on ADHD inattentive is him to a T. If something excites him he can super focus, if something is boring he struggles and struggles.

Good lord do not worry about college now! The pressure they put on kids now in days to think about college- its so stressful. My youngest just started 9th grade and has horrible anxiety because she thinks that ever single grade will affect getting into college. I told her that she needs to focus on being 14 and doing her best. There are no rules about college. I told her I want her to be happy with her life and self sufficient. If that means being a trash collector, a circus clown or a doctor-thats fine with me, as long as she can support herself and is happy.

[sarahsweets]

Speaking as an alcoholic- I can assure you that turning to drugs or alcohol will be something he will have to fight regardless of schooling, friends, self esteem or homelife.

I can see him turning to drugs/alcohol, falling into the wrong group of friends, etc. if he doesn't feel good about himself. After all the #1 priority is keeping them alive and on the right track to be productive, happy adults, right?? They already feel different and "weird" with ADHD so anything I can do to help that I will.

[Jen_in_SanJose]

1. Who said you had to enjoy school to go to college? I freaking hated school, almost all aspects. I went to college because I wanted to earn more than 30K a year and didn't want to learn a trade. We both have college degrees and work in high tech. I work for the biggest software company in the world, so yeah..I get it. My college degree meant that I make a ton of money. That doesn't mean that path is right for my son. Frankly I am surprised at this comment. The world is not one size fits all. I have always followed what I enjoyed and were my strengths and that led to financial success. I want the same for my son. If you try to put a round peg in a square hole you aren't going to be very happy.

2. As a parent with a 10th grader I feel I should warn you that K-7 was a breeze. 8th grade is where it gets complicated. The basics are learned over and over for a firm base. MANY MANY kids learn them and forget them after a week. Studies have shown that it is doing something over and over and over again that teaches kids the best. I don't need to be warned that K-7 is easy. My son's school is not easy at any grade as the academics are way above public school standards, however I do understand your sentiment and that is why I want to think through the best place for him for middle school(his school is K-8) and HS. I don't agree that repetition is appropriate. If your child is simply studying for the test I agree, but if they have mastered the skill that is different. Frankly I am surprised that you feel this way, but your opinion is your opinion.

3. If he is experiencing anxiety when things are not done then he should have more time to do them. Maybe even do them at home. I still don't think it is wise to limit the iterations. Gee, I never thought of this(sarcasm), he has been bringing classwork home to work on since 1st grade.

4. It isn't the facts you learn in school that are relevant, school teaches you how to work your brain. At first you learn one thing, and you do it 100 times. Then you are learning 2 things, doing each 50 times, then you learn three things all at one time...but the time you get through high school you know yourself and your limitations far better than had you never been to school. Learning the exact year Columbus sailed isn't as important as knowing that those type of things happened. When he gets to college it won't be any different. He will still have to take general ed classes that made me want to pull my hair out! When will a chemist need music appreciation? NEVER! But it does make me a more well rounded person and introduced me to things I would not have come across. I appreciate your experience and thoughts, but again I disagree. I actually had the opposite experience in college as it was the first time when the classes were interesting and had discussions instead of memorizing tons of crap I never used. But, that said, he may never go to college which is fine as well.


5. I don't know a single kid who wants to do 20 problems over 10. they ant to get onto the NEXT thing, but having to do 20 is part of the learning process too. I can do math in my head super fast, or with a calculator beyond fast...it didn't come by doing half the problems as everyone else. I think we have gone through this topic way to many times, so again, I disagree.

6. You are very concerned with his emotional and mental health. Have you ever considered he feels different because you tell him he is? Who said I talk to him about this? Nice assumption... However, I do think it is important for kids to know they have ADHD and what that means. I don't have to TELL him he is different, he already knows. He is super smart and figured it out long before diagnosis and long before I was willing or able to label him as something other than a "boy". It really helped him to know he has ADHD and so there IS a reason he feels different, it isn't just his imagination, he is not just stupid or bad kid for not being able to concentrate, his brain works differently and that is ok because we are all different and we all have different struggles in life.

7. You said "I can see him turning to drugs/alcohol, falling into the wrong group of friends, etc. if he doesn't feel good about himself."....um, take it from me, NOOOOOOO teenager feels "good" about themselves. Definition of a teenager there. They are too fat, too thin, too many freckles, not enough freckles...I think my favorite one I heard was "my wrists are too thin, they are like pencils".....huh? What the heck does that matter? Other people here can comment more on the addiction side of life, but for my son it's about who he hangs out with, where and when. He is supervised, yes even at 15 he is supervised. If I don't know their parents he isn't going over there. Thanks for the parenting tips. I had never considered that teenagers go through rough times or that supervision is important...haha. Silly me for thinking about how having ADHD and struggling to concentrate could make all of that way worse for him.

8. have you thought about giving him an outlet outside of schools to be social in? My son LOVES baseball. It's the glue that holds him together. Perhaps with your son it would be a sport or a cooking league?
Wow, activities? This is mind blowing. The parenting tips keep flowing..I am writing these down! My kids have been playing sports since they were 4, so we have that covered. They aren't super natural athletes, but activities and exercise are an important part of our family life. My son does soccer, basketball, and we are just kicking off his 4th baseball season.

I didn't expect to join this forum and get all the answers I needed, but I also didn't think I would get judgement without any questions asked. This hasn't been super helpful. I am going to try to find an inperson network of ADHD parents in my area. Thanks everyone who has listened and understood where I was coming from. Hope you have a fabulous future with your kiddos and help them become the best adults they can possibly be.

[Jen_in_SanJose]

Sarah thanks for the note. I just read it and really appreciated that you wish it had been more compassionate. I get it. I know how forums can be. We all have opinions and it is so easy to state them, but no one knows each other. We aren't chatting in our living rooms over a glass of wine. As for the "not fair" bit, I still don't get that. Do you truly care what another child in the classroom does or doesn't do?? I only care if it impacts MY child's ability to learn. I expect the school and parents of the other children to decide what is right for them. I really don't understand where you are coming from on that one. Maybe that is why there is a need for 504 and IEPs that you all talk about because other parents need something formalized in writing so they don't feel it is "unfair". Very interesting... If a child is missing a leg and they are allowed to skip PE, but your child who doesn't like PE has to participate is that "fair". I feel for the school administrators and understand why they are so unwilling to listen to parents' expressing their children's needs as they are worried that it will be seen as "preferential" treatment if even parents of ADHD kids talk about unfair instead of what is right for each child...This is likely why teachers and admin have to go through a formal process, not because they don't care but they have to protect themselves from all the other parents. Thank GOD my children are in an accepting school with a community that understands one size does not fit all and every child is different. My son is already in the accelerated math program and the school already has Spanish, music, and an art program so he is getting plenty of other well rounded education.

[Lunacie]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I wish I had been more sensitive and compassionate with my reply- sorry.


I think rather than eliminating extra or "busy"work he should just be allowed more time to do it.This way its fair in that he still does what all the kids are doing but when it comes to homework or even unfinished classwork he should be allowed to finish it with more time or at home. Busy work or not, I believe that the repetition is important.


Does the school have a gifted sort of class?My son's school had a Gifted program that was just a pull out program once a week where they did challenging things but everything else was just regular work and the same regular classes.


Good lord do not worry about college now! The pressure they put on kids now in days to think about college- its so stressful. My youngest just started 9th grade and has horrible anxiety because she thinks that ever single grade will affect getting into college. I told her that she needs to focus on being 14 and doing her best. There are no rules about college. I told her I want her to be happy with her life and self sufficient. If that means being a trash collector, a circus clown or a doctor-thats fine with me, as long as she can support herself and is happy.

If either of my grandkids had to do the same amount of homework as neuro-
typical students are required to do, they wouldn't get any sleep. Or have time
to eat or play or take a bath. Yes, repetition is helpful, but does it really help
if the child has to spend as much time out of school as they do in school to do
the same amount of work?

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Jen_in_SanJose

Sarah thanks for the note. I just read it and really appreciated that you wish it had been more compassionate. I get it. I know how forums can be. We all have opinions and it is so easy to state them, but no one knows each other. We aren't chatting in our living rooms over a glass of wine. As for the "not fair" bit, I still don't get that. Do you truly care what another child in the classroom does or doesn't do?? I only care if it impacts MY child's ability to learn. I expect the school and parents of the other children to decide what is right for them. I really don't understand where you are coming from on that one. Maybe that is why there is a need for 504 and IEPs that you all talk about because other parents need something formalized in writing so they don't feel it is "unfair". Very interesting... If a child is missing a leg and they are allowed to skip PE, but your child who doesn't like PE has to participate is that "fair". I feel for the school administrators and understand why they are so unwilling to listen to parents' expressing their children's needs as they are worried that it will be seen as "preferential" treatment if even parents of ADHD kids talk about unfair instead of what is right for each child...This is likely why teachers and admin have to go through a formal process, not because they don't care but they have to protect themselves from all the other parents. Thank GOD my children are in an accepting school with a community that understands one size does not fit all and every child is different. My son is already in the accelerated math program and the school already has Spanish, music, and an art program so he is getting plenty of other well rounded education.

OMG Jen PLEASE dont leave the forums! We need more active parents on these boards. Parents right in the thick of it. I wrote my response to you this morning and you know adhd well enough with your son to know that its easy to fire from the hip which is what I did. When I finish this response I am going to re-read and comment on what I did write. Seriously I should know better. I had to fight over and over for my son who is was gifted, above grade level, bad handwriting etc. I need to read the whole thing with fresh eyes. DO not be pushed to leave please. My youngest is now 14. I joined this forum 7 years ago and everything was different. My perspective was different, my kids were in different stages (I was slowly decending into alcoholism). I promise you my fresh read wont be much like my early morning word bomb.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Jen_in_SanJose

It is suffering because he can't focus. He gets anxiety about not finishing assignments. He isn't like one of those kids that doesn't care and blows it off. He is literally in a panic in the morning if he knows he didn't finish something. And for what? Because he didn't write the 20th sentence to correct grammar that he already knows and it would be more appropriate to just correct the grammar rather than re-write the entire sentence.

Ignore everything I said this morning. My youngest has awful anxiety about things like this. She was classified with an IEP up until 6th grade and then mainstreamed. She is a perfectionist and is the hardest critic of herself. She talks about school being stressful so much but to her it is. She worries about college and Id rather she worry about the mall.

As for "testing out", again we are in a private school. It doesn't work that way. The material he is learning is only 25% of it for me. I want him well rounded, interested and exposed to lots of different things and his peers. Socially he is in the right class. I would never want him younger in grade, especially in the HS years when he will be immature and unable to handle the peer craziness plus the workload. More kids at our school stay back as the work is challenging(they are likely doing 5th grade work compared to public school), so for example my daughter is 11 in 6th grade but she has at least 5 kids that just turned 13... He is already in advanced math, so we are all good.

Of course this makes sense. I personally believe the most useful life skills learned in school are the social ones. How to related to others, moral code, empathy. This would be hard if he was the youngest one in a class.

At this stage I am not even sure college will be the right place for him. Yes he is super smart, but if he doesn't enjoy school he will need to find something he is passionate about and that will make him excited to learn. Right now he wants to be a chef. Yes, he can focus on a recipe for well over an hour...He is 9 and makes some really good food. Everything that I have read on ADHD inattentive is him to a T. If something excites him he can super focus, if something is boring he struggles and struggles.

My daughter-the one who is about to turn 18 wanted for years to go to culinary school then its like she..tapped out. She gets good grades but her workload is easy- I mean if she were more academically minded she would be bored to death. We think we've got her nailed down to try community college and are hoping she doesnt change her mind and decide to go find herself.

So sad to me that all of your schools struggle to implement these state mandated plans and they can't just see what your children need. This is making me more and more confident that public school is not the place for him. As for a "gifted school", most of them would provide more work and I want him to be a kid and play and have fun with his friends. I don't need him to be Doogie Howser at age 16 and I don't think he is off the charts IQ wise, just lucky to be smarter. I haven't had his IQ tested so I couldn't tell you what it is or where he falls. Homeschooling is not an option for many many reasons, but thanks for the suggestion.

It is sad. And its phenominal that you have a parochial school that does this for you. I ASSURE you here in NJ that would never happen. They would rather kick a student out then make accommodations.

[natnatroswell22]

Originally Posted by Jen_in_SanJose

Exactly Tyger! Let's face it we can choose our career and what we do for the rest of our lives. He likely won't have a desk job and there are plenty of trades where he can be active and productive doing what he loves to do everyday. School is created as a one size fits all approach and not everyone learns the same way with or without ADHD. Yes, it is teaching you that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do, work in a team, etc. But the facts you learn in school aren't really relevant for how I live my life. I'm not saying school isn't important. But I am concerned that self-esteem and anxiety issues could lead to huge issues down the line so his emotional and mental health are way more important to me then if he has written 10 sentences or 20 and if he has colored in his music homework or just identified the correct notes. I can see him turning to drugs/alcohol, falling into the wrong group of friends, etc. if he doesn't feel good about himself. After all the #1 priority is keeping them alive and on the right track to be productive, happy adults, right?? They already feel different and "weird" with ADHD so anything I can do to help that I will.

I definitely agree with this. Overloading activities are totally turning the bright students into unproductive one and worse, getting depressed.