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Old 05-29-14, 01:08 AM
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messy home anxiety

Our one bedroom apartment is a mess. Stacks of papers, toys (naturally), parts from a project I am working on, clothes everywhere, recycling, etc.

My husband works and I don't (officially) so there is an unspoken agreement that I clean by default. I am also busy trying to make something happen in my life but it feels like a joke to others. That could just be my assumption though.

My husband suffers from depression and I got my dxes as shown below (plus hypothyroidism). I am tired all of the time because I can't sleep properly and toot still wakes up several times per night and now I have killer allergies (during winter is was SAD).

Me and toot toot sleep on the couch for a month or two now because I am allergic to my bedroom. I am zonked out on allergy meds and dysfunctional and perhaps moody from trying Ritalin LA.

I feel like I can't get on top of the mess in here. I am meeting with an occupational therapist in a week or so. I don't have any friends or family here to help out when I am in a rut. Everyone who comes over, I have to clean up first. Some people are easier than others. But anyone showing up makes me panic. I feel like I am in trouble and it's disgusting in here even though it isn't. It's just messy.

People want to come over and I feel overwhelmed and it creates big problems. I can't reciprocate when people have me over.

My husband and I just had a big fight because I felt like an ******* saying that I couldn't deal with family staying over on short notice tonight (durprise!) because I am so sick and overwhelmed and they would be taking the kids somewhere and we can't afford it.

It is a holiday and he was thinking to work today instead and leave me here by myself to take care of toot toot and clean everything (including moving off of the couch, undusting our room wearing a face mask, changing bedding, washing dusty clothes, putting stuff in boxes and plastic bags) before family comes.

I was feeling so ****** and guilty at the same time. As parents say...it is a "don't put me in this position!" situation because now because of me, toot and papa can't see little cousin and uncle and go to the zoo together (a last minute plan which we also could not afford)

I was already punching elevator walls yesterday and had finally felt happer ... yesterday afternoon...that today is a holiday... but my anger and anxiety and guilt brought me down so hard that now it feels like a nightmare instead of a holiday and I don't want to spend it alone with my husband.

But this is also a common situation for me to get freaked out about people coming over.

I grew up in a messed up beyond messy home and I am sure my place doesn't look like that but I feel freaked out about letting people in when it is dirty here. It's too much stress and confusion and anxiety. But it is also messing up my relationships.
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Old 05-29-14, 03:49 AM
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Re: messy home anxiety

I so hear where you are coming from. My house is the same way and I hate when people just show up. Even when people are coming over that I know about its always a last minute cleaning frenzy and even then its not good enough. I have a front room that I have blocked off with a curtain because its so messy and I know I need to get in there but its so overwhelming. I wish I had some advice for you. The best thing I can think of is to ask your husband to help. And I mean ask him,not suggest or cajole, just come right out and tell him you cant do it alone.
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Old 05-29-14, 04:13 AM
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Re: messy home anxiety

exactly the same problem here! ( except for the allergies...)
My husband doesn't care and more of the stacks and junk are actually his.
if we ever start sorting at the same time he will start reading the unread magazines...
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Old 05-29-14, 05:03 AM
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Re: messy home anxiety

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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I so hear where you are coming from. My house is the same way and I hate when people just show up. Even when people are coming over that I know about its always a last minute cleaning frenzy and even then its not good enough. I have a front room that I have blocked off with a curtain because its so messy and I know I need to get in there but its so overwhelming. I wish I had some advice for you. The best thing I can think of is to ask your husband to help. And I mean ask him,not suggest or cajole, just come right out and tell him you cant do it alone.
See, that last minute frenzy has to be one of the most uncomfortable things I can think of right now. There was a time when I could do it but I just can't anymore and now I am in the dog house with folks who wanted to come over. How does one just 'get over it' and let people in??

I understand the curtain/blocked off room concept. In my case, a visitor comes into the front door and one step in either direction & it's all right there. I guess our bedroom would be the curtained room populated with clothes and boxes and whatever.... because it has a door.

I did freak out too much yesterday...I told him if he wanted that plan with the zoo trip then he could clean the place himself. But before, he let people into his place in any state... it doesn't bother him really and he wouldn't clean too much.. But I was also mad because I had been asking my husband to vacuum the bedroom for months.

He has a problem with cleaning. He gets super angry and stuck and overwhelmed. When we first got married he told me that he didn't know how to wash dishes. Later he learned a procedure he could handle and kept them clean. Honestly I think he has ADD and he used to hoard... most of this stuff is family stuff or my stuff now since I am working on a project.

The best things he can do to help are 1) take care of our daughter; 2) take the recycling; 3) vacuum; 4) go grocery shopping; 5) pick up food so I don't have to cook as well; 6) get rid of his papers and stacks.

Stef, that last bit... #6.... leads me to your husband's problem with joint sorting efforts. Lol.! That is my husband exactly.
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Old 05-29-14, 05:40 AM
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Re: messy home anxiety

Honestly... I am coming down with something, I think. I feel achy.

Oh, and another detail I forgot: was informed yesterday that people will be traipsing through our place on and off from now until September ... to look at it ...because the owner is selling it!! Woooo!! So even though I shut down the family visiting plans (husband also cancelled his trip to see his parents this weekend because of me, he says (??)) ... I still have to scramble to clean everything because a real estate agent coming next week to look at the place! One week's notice on that!! I knew we had to move out by the end of July- why I am not going to the states this summer- but I didn't know we'd have to clean the place and start showing it, like, immediately!! WTF.

And... another confession is that alot of this stuff is mine, this time...mine and ours... so he probably really doesn't know with my things and doesn't think it is a big deal if people see it. But there's no place for anyone to eat, even! And I am sleeping on the dang couch!And I feel extra exposed because I am working on something important to me at the moment.

Anyway, they just left to go to the store... maybe I can try organizing some stuff right quick. Trying not to feel weird or upset. Why does everything make me irritated?
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Old 05-29-14, 09:24 PM
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Re: messy home anxiety

Okay that's it.
You gotta come live online forever!
Here no one thinks you're a joke (I freaking ADORE you!) and you don't have to deal with your messy home or people coming over and causing you so much stress!

You can just live here at ADDF and be the cool, loving, supportive, awesome person that you are where everyone just loves you for ever and ever and ever!!

((((((((((((((WOBBSY))))))))))))))

I use to keep my appartment messy. But my place was disgusting :*(. God I hated it. I hated myself.
It was all trash. 95% of my problem was not keeping up with trash. And it would pile up for months. I'd just toss everything into the piles.
My room would be a huge pile of garbage...nothing rotting, I was always good about taking anything that could mold or rot out...but just a massive pile of dishes, paper/boxes/packages, plastic...you know...just trash.
And my kitchen counters omg. I'd let all the packages stack to 2 feet or more, covering my entire counters.

If you've ever seen the show called hoarders...that's as bad as I'd get my place.
This is the first time I've admitted this here at ADDF too. I've told people I've let my apartment get really messy...I just haven't told them that I let it get THAT messy.
The big difference between most people on hoarders, and me...is the people on tv would have piles of 'stuff'...where as my piles were just straight trash.

And I was TERRIFIED of people coming over. People finding out. I felt like such a disgusting person.
I really hated myself for it .

Thing is, is at my apartments...the land lord comes once a year to do a physical inspection...so at least once a year my apartment gets picked up for the inspection (just had my inspection this last week actually!).
If it wasn't for that...I probably would've never picked up my apartment.

I remember one year filling something like 25 big black trash bags...and it took me and my dad several trips to the dump, to clear out the trash in my apartment :*(. lol it was such a pain too, cause I was terrified of my neighbors seeing all the trash I was taking out, so I had to wait till like 3 in the morning before I started to take my trash bags out...would fill my car up, then I dropped the bags off in my dad's bag yard so he and I could take them later that day up to the dump. I had to wait till everyone was asleep and couldn't see how disgusting I was .

...yet again, I'm making your thread all about me! xP
I guess I'm typing this all up to try and convey that I do not judge you one bit...and that I've known well what it's like to live in a messy home...all the shame and self hatred that comes with it :*(.

It's been a little over 5 months now...that I've been keeping up with my trash! I've developed a zero tolerance policy when it comes to trash. I throw it away IMMEDIATELY...no exceptions...EVERY SINGLE TIME...no matter how small the piece of trash is.
To my surprise...I've actually kept up with the policy! I still follow it very strictly. I had 1 1/2 bags of trash to take out this year for my inspection! It only took me about 4 hours this year to get ready for my inspection this week (haha I did a LOT of work in that 4 hours though! I was literally on my butt cleaning my kitchen and bathroom floors...by hand...with a mr. clean magic eraser, and an old toothbrush! haha).

I've always felt so much happier and more content when my place is picked up. I don't know that I'll ever have a truly 'clean' home...but I have been enjoying it being at least trash free! I've actually kept my curtians fully open in my living room for these past 5 months...day and night! You can see my entire living room and kitchen through the windows...and it's such a nice feeling not having to be terrified of my neighbors looking in...in fact, I get a lot of pride in the fact that they can see into my place now!

(((((((((((((((((((((The Little Miss Dobbsy Wobbsy Who Could))))))))))))))))))))
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Old 05-29-14, 09:35 PM
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Re: messy home anxiety

Also...boxes are my best friend! It's surprising the amount of junk I can fit into a big box!

Out of sight...out of mind? At least until the inspections are over?

That's my next project though...going through a few boxes (and 2 closets) full of 'stuff' and tossing a lot of it and trying to figure out a way to organize it all (I have a really cool friend I met through these forums who works with people on organizing stuff...so she'll be a great help to me when I'm ready to accept her help!).
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Old 05-29-14, 11:04 PM
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Re: messy home anxiety

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Originally Posted by stef View Post
if we ever start sorting at the same time he will start reading the unread magazines...
lol I'm just curious does your husband have adhd too? lol
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Old 05-30-14, 12:21 AM
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Re: messy home anxiety

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lol I'm just curious does your husband have adhd too? lol
absolutely no! insane focus otherwise. possibly mild OCD i think.
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Old 05-30-14, 08:08 AM
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Re: messy home anxiety

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
I use to keep my appartment messy. But my place was disgusting :*(. God I hated it. I hated myself.
It was all trash. 95% of my problem was not keeping up with trash. And it would pile up for months. I'd just toss everything into the piles.
My room would be a huge pile of garbage...nothing rotting, I was always good about taking anything that could mold or rot out...but just a massive pile of dishes, paper/boxes/packages, plastic...you know...just trash.
And my kitchen counters omg. I'd let all the packages stack to 2 feet or more, covering my entire counters.

If you've ever seen the show called hoarders...that's as bad as I'd get my place.

This is the first time I've admitted this here at ADDF too. I've told people I've let my apartment get really messy...I just haven't told them that I let it get THAT messy.


Welcome Child, and set your spirit free.... free of shame, free of sorrow. Release your burdens, let the grace of communion with other souls who know your sorrow wash your spirit clean! For what is a clean home with a cluttered heart? Let us both praise the grace of the innerverse in this admission.

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
And I was TERRIFIED of people coming over. People finding out. I felt like such a disgusting person.
I really hated myself for it .
Shall we never dwell in this darkness again.... it is the past and not the present, that was yesterday and not today.

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
I remember one year filling something like 25 big black trash bags...and it took me and my dad several trips to the dump, to clear out the trash in my apartment :*(. lol it was such a pain too, cause I was terrified of my neighbors seeing all the trash I was taking out, so I had to wait till like 3 in the morning before I started to take my trash bags out...would fill my car up, then I dropped the bags off in my dad's bag yard so he and I could take them later that day up to the dump. I had to wait till everyone was asleep and couldn't see how disgusting I was .
25 trash bags going out at 3 in the morning looks more like organized crime than disorganized living, LOL.

((((((((((((((((((((((you))))))))))))))))))))))))) )))))

Growing up, I used yard trash cans and a rake. My best friend helped me clean up and she remembers trashbags, rakes and yard waste cans. In just my room.... the rest of the house was impossible.

My god, that is alot of shame to feel. Really, it never quite left me. That is why I react the way I do. It's like I am back there, and I feel shame. I don't stand on my balcony, I don't keep my windows open....

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
I guess I'm typing this all up to try and convey that I do not judge you one bit...and that I've known well what it's like to live in a messy home...all the shame and self hatred that comes with it :*(.
****tears of release*****
I am so sorry you ever had to feel that shame and self-hatred.

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
It's been a little over 5 months now...that I've been keeping up with my trash! I've developed a zero tolerance policy when it comes to trash. I throw it away IMMEDIATELY...no exceptions...EVERY SINGLE TIME...no matter how small the piece of trash is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
To my surprise...I've actually kept up with the policy! I still follow it very strictly. I had 1 1/2 bags of trash to take out this year for my inspection! It only took me about 4 hours this year to get ready for my inspection this week (haha I did a LOT of work in that 4 hours though! I was literally on my butt cleaning my kitchen and bathroom floors...by hand...with a mr. clean magic eraser, and an old toothbrush! haha).
OMG even Kanye is impressed!



Wait wait wait a minute, did you say on your butt (or knees) with a toothbrush and a Magic Eraser??? ARE YOU...ME???

Are we perfectionists in disguise???

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
I've always felt so much happier and more content when my place is picked up. I don't know that I'll ever have a truly 'clean' home...but I have been enjoying it being at least trash free!
Me too. Many of my happy dreams consist of living in a clean home.

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
I've actually kept my curtians fully open in my living room for these past 5 months...day and night! You can see my entire living room and kitchen through the windows...and it's such a nice feeling not having to be terrified of my neighbors looking in...in fact, I get a lot of pride in the fact that they can see into my place now!
That is wonderful! Do you wear your best clothes, too? And make gourmet dishes and pies and set them in the window? Maybe one day. You will host tea and bridge

Everyone keeps their windows open here, and are so proud. I want to be like that. My place isn't as bad as how I grew up. But I am still that child.
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Old 05-30-14, 10:30 AM
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Re: messy home anxiety

omg would a mod please remove Kanye West from my previous post?? he is driving me crazy. I didn't mean to punish you, psycho... I'm just an old lady tryina use reaction gifs and it's awkward
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Old 05-31-14, 03:55 PM
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Re: messy home anxiety

(((((((DOBBSY)))))))

You rock so much Thank you for the awesome reply and for your understanding and encouragement!
It really does mean a lot to me!!

Also...

Quote:
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I'm just an old lady tryina use reaction gifs and it's awkward


I'm laughing WITH you...not at you!

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Old 05-31-14, 05:35 PM
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Re: messy home anxiety

My biggest fear is that I'm going to die or need emergency medical help in the middle of the night and people will discover my hoard. Sometimes that's enough to make me clean up a little before bed.....

I know how you feel. I've had anxiety attacks over the state of my apartment but somehow I can't figure out how to keep it from getting that bad.
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Old 05-31-14, 07:25 PM
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Re: messy home anxiety

Oh my word, I could have written this entire thread myself! I feel terrible for my kids too especially when I pick them up from school-"Mum can such and such come for tea today? Er, not today..." and even worse when I pick them up from friends' houses

I think though that more people than we know live in the way that we do and the minority actually have order in their homes.
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Old 05-31-14, 10:08 PM
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Re: messy home anxiety

things you can get away with not doing.... dusting (most unmotivating for me, unless it's for allergies), not washing all the clothes atleast?, and only change the beds for the guests.
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