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Old 01-13-19, 04:13 PM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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I took about a month long vacation from anything psychology to let things peculate. now on the heels of this new semester and new chapter of my life, well, where else to discuss this kind of personal stuff. if anyone can get anything out of this, please do, if anyone can add, please do.

ever tell yourself "get in the X"

look inward. that is something my therapist said to me for a while along with the process "what do you want, what are you doing, how is it working for you" then understanding the agency of the conscious, ego(states, thoughts, idea's, personas/masks, either jung or frued, mask is, I'm a student, nope, I'm a human).

about a year ago I remember trying to point at something and say "this", it didn't work. It felt like my brain was melting just trying to do that. however, I have "this cellphone" "this camera" "this computer" "this keyboard" "this car" etc ... all these things I could point at (like with my finger). when I would try to point at something that was non personal I couldn't use the word this, just, I guess the closest thing I can think of is a cognitive block, then I can recall a year earlier my therapist and I where talking about extensions of self and the lenses we see things with (scientific lens, human lens, psychological lens etc...) .

and ya, here it comes(this is personal and this is the place where we discuss this kind of stuff), I'm smart, real smart however, I could never really figure out adapting to the environment.

the first adaption to the environment was studying and synthesizing music to studying. I've been playing music for as long as I can remember (well, 13). I would turn on youtube to a certain type of music for studying. pretty much anything academic, soothing music, cleaning, metal. it just works.

then I would start to clean "this room" and noticed how having a clean room helps me not only concentrate and be ever more sharper in thinking, but overall, I felt better. "this music" " this room"

I would do the psychological process (and still do) to do everything, I think it helps connect the you to self, or to know the you of self and the you of others.

however, look inward (and to me, that started with the word "this") and that lead to transnactional analysis, which is I think, the you of others(when you use the word you and your to talk to others and not the super ego of self). however "this" is also a big thing in transnational analysis (there is this spiffy graph and wheel). I can never identify with anything "that", before, I think I had a bit of derealization, when first doing both the process, looking inwards(which is litterly just saying look inwards at times that... I just do for a reason I don't know so subconscious). I would look outward and see my thoughts in either symbolism (I was board so would look at a board on the wall) or signs(think street signs).

most of that has stopped. "that" is always external. "that guy, that thing, those things"

it dawned on me when I would do the process for little things, like litterly changing shirts. some shirts where just " a shirt" and some shirts where "this shirt", it took a while to start to understand what was going on. I would go for a walk along this road and then would take a walk down a road.

then I read a, I think it was IMBC(I've read several of those) where it talked about just this phenomenon. "this" is self (the first circle on transnational analysis) then their are the objects that are "this object, these objects" which are which are part self, or to be more clear, have a strong foundation in the psyche with self (another circle) then there are friends "this friend those friends"

using the word "this" is a different memory pipeline in the brain, it's self-object self-other self-world self-city. it integrates the things that are important to self (which is why I just couldn't point at a random object and say "this"). what I have found is I almost always have to have "contact" with a thing, other, world for me to be able to point or have it mind "this thing, this friend, these friends, this world etc..., or else it's always "that thing, that guy, those people, that road etc..."

to look inward in this stuff, these things , this work is to be one. I had to do visualization work in order to accomplish that. to be in my studies is to be in more or less, a flow state in my studies(just like you are in your car at times, you are in your work and studies). I would watch a movie and would get into the movie, able to visualize not only what was on screen, but what the character was looking at offscreen in my mindseye. I could then start to visualize myself via the objects, people, places that I tag with "this", which really helped in both the super ego formation and transacnational analysis with others.

speaking of, I can tag what I watch on tv with "this", and the radio and music. well there is something else and why I wright things out.

that lead to a lot of feelings towards others, I could walk in their shoes instead of trying to guess their feelings, there was a time when I could feel the feelings of others however, I think I had to stop in order to form boundaries(feeling what others are feeling all over is exhausting) now, I can step in others shoes and out of their shoes at will (something I'm still getting better at), and with the knowledge of super ego, transcriptional analysis and a hint of positive narcissism (cause everyone is a bit narcissistic, for instance, if someone in the group is down and neither super ego or transnational work, boost myself to boost the other, everyone on a team being 65% moral is a lot better than 30%), just gotta be sure not to let the last one get out of hand at anytime. "you know, you can do it, go team, it doesn't matter if we win or lose what matters is we give it our all" (going into business management ).

their are still wounds that come up though, the last wound I caught was with, what I call, bookmark brain. I would ask myself "I want to find a wound" and then start thinking of someone in glimmers and wonder why, I have never thought about that guy for a long time, then a realization would happen and a wound back from when I was 14 or so would come up. however, those wounds are getting easier and easier to heal.


that leads me to the last point. make sure everything that is part of the "this" network works. charged phone, camera works, lenses are cleaned, room is cleaned(not right now but later), people you care for are doing alright. make sure that the self-other (this is my friend so and so) are the right people to have around IN the self-other networks. variety is the spice of life, however, some people are best left to other networks. we influence each-other by what we do, who we are, who we are tomorrow, how we grow, how we use our super ego and own transactional analysis around each-other. I've been dragged under by people, probably did so myself at one point, never again. spending too much time helping others when I didn't myself has defined my life up tell now, however, while I still want to help others, I need to help myself first, to do things and engage in behaviors that are for my and other peoples benefit, not one sided zero sum games. if I'm serious in something, I respect others and won't demand respect, however, I expect a similar level of engagement (doesn't matter the learning level of others or myself). others have a different skill set to bring to the table through their own growth as well. I'm more than willing to meet others half way, the way I had to do the same with myself.

always be caring, kind, zealous(fast), compassionate, work on better articulation, be considerate however be considerate not only of the other person, but myself. it's been a while, however, I'm readdy to give it my all in everything I do. I'm curious, and I'm willing to know just what I can do, how far I can push myself. it's time to start.

acceptance piece

Last edited by namazu; 01-13-19 at 04:35 PM.. Reason: merged accidental duplicate posts
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Old 01-16-19, 11:00 AM
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Re: the "this" network, looking inward, and the next chapter of my life

for me it was this word that.
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Old 01-16-19, 12:46 PM
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Re: the "this" network, looking inward, and the next chapter of my life

this reminded me of that doll,




just found out some pop country dude went full led zep on baby!


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