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Old 08-16-11, 08:28 PM
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I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

I've come here and I've tried to explain my problems in detail, I've went to the doctors and I've given them labels mostly, trying to make my problems sound less and less invasive than what they were, and I've just had a really hard time admitting, even to myself, that I really am struggling in all areas of my life.

So I'm going to be brute and up front here, I have to do this for myself, because if I don't say it where other people can see it I'll never own up to it, and I'll never get the help I need, regardless of what that is.

But first, I have to say the reasons why I believe I have been so ashamed and embarrassed about it all.

Growing up I always lived in my own world. The actual world sucked, I didn't have much in the way of friends (and the few friends I did have were barely friends, more just not people who hated me), most people I knew hated me for reasons I didn't understand,

I hated every single moment of going to school because I was so bored out of my mind (the only time I ever paid attention in class was when my teachers would tell stories, the rest of the time I just pretended to pay attention and day dreamed), because the other people were just outright mean to me constantly, because I never felt like I was normal or fit in, because I hated with a passion having to sit down and do school work (but more than anything I hated reading assignments, I almost never finished them),

and I hated that I had no idea how to study and when I would try to study I felt like it was a complete waste of time, in the end I felt like I was better off not studying because I either knew it or I didn't, and studying just took away from my time to do "other" things.

I hated going to bed because it meant I would have to wake up. I hated waking up because it meant I had to go to school yet another day and I hated that so badly that there were times I thought I'd rather kill myself than go in. There were times where I came dangerously close to doing just that where I found myself praying to god to give me the strength to just press a little bit harder with that knife. I cried myself to sleep more times than I'd like to remember.

I hate saying that though, I never thought I'd ever tell anyone that I did that, and I remember when it happened I was embarrassed about it, embarrassed that I didn't manage to go through with it, embarrassed that it was even a possibility, ashamed that I let life get to me that much.

So I think I was probably depressed for a good part of my life growing up, but on the weekends I was perfectly happy and fine. I just hated everything about school...so...much. But it wasn't just school. Both me and my dad have explosive anger, and we were constantly in long arguments and fights over nothing. I was very argumentative (okay I still am) and I just couldn't let things go. I'd flip a switch over nothing if they interrupted me when I was busy (for no reason, I'd go from happy go lucky to off the charts angry for just a few seconds and immediately regret whatever I just said.)

I hated my dad. I just hated the fact that I'd have to deal with crap constantly at school, then come home and have to deal with more crap. it felt like no matter what I did, it was never enough to make it all stop. I didn't get into drugs, I didn't sneak out of the house, I didn't go stealing cars...I only ever had one F, I didn't get too many C's, and while it's true I ended up basically at a tech school for the last 2 years of my high school (doing stuff I had been doing in my spare time since I was really young on computers, which made the classes really easy and bearable and was probably the only reason I managed to graduate high school to be brutally honest, although they don't know that)...it was just like never enough.

I had a job for a short stint of time and I remember them saying they were proud of me, but that didn't last too long. I was clearly not doing too hot at the job (I kept mishandling the cash register, or my manager was stealing from it...who knows, but the more I learn about myself the more likely it is that I just messed up..anyway it was costing me a lot of money). I didn't jive too well with the dress code for a while, I was told I couldn't wear certain pants but well I forgot to wash my other pants so I'd wear them sometimes when they were all that was clean, and my parents thought I was intentionally trying to get fired.

Then eventually I just quit. I couldn't take it anymore.

I made up all this and that about how the manager was stealing my money, blah blah, tried to portray myself in a good light but deep down I always suspected it was entirely my fault, I was just lazy, didn't want to work a job, didn't care enough, didn't this didn't that. Whatever.

I said I'd look for another job...never got around to it.

Anyway...so I hated being home, I hated being at school. The only time I enjoyed was the time I spent online, where I felt like I wasn't this messed up person. I eventually decided I was going to make my career out of video games, move out of the country, live off a small salary, drop out of college first chance I had, and then maybe later in life when I was 'ready' for college go back and get a degree.

I say that, because, I don't feel like I'm ready for college, I never have. I don't know what I want to do in life...but that's not entirely true. I'd love to have a 9-5 job working as a programmer...except I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to do that. Not because I don't know how to, but because for whatever reason(s) I just can't seem to work on one project more than a day or two, if that. I can't really seem to choose what I want to work on. I'd love to finish any of my projects I have going on right now...I've been trying to get a portfolio completed before I graduate but...so far I have nothing to show for it.

At one point I even told my parents I wanted to drop out of college, spend a year writing my portfolio and working a minimum wage job then move into the software field. They somehow talked/shamed me out of it.

I just have not felt like I belong at college, I still don't. I know I don't give my 100% in any class, I know I don't produce a quality of work that I'm capable of, I know I don't pay attention in class despite wanting to, I know I procrastinate every project until the last minute forcing me to rush through them, even when given a month to do the things, usually having to turn in incomplete assignments to meet deadlines (which is super embarrassing and shaming)

I'm late to a lot of classes (I used to be super early, then decided I wanted to be normal and show up on time, except it just rarely works out that way), I miss enough classes to constantly be worried about being auto-failed (if it wasn't for my teacher being kind enough to let me do a make up project I would have failed a very, very important class last semester due to attendance) -- I know otherwise, I have nothing else that I'm doing and somehow I end up missing classes regardless. Sometimes, it's just done on impulse where I just don't show up and then regret it afterwards (I'm assuming that's impulse based off the way I feel when i do it, it's like I know the consequences of my actions and it just doesn't seem to get through to my brain for some reason in the decision making process.) Or i'll be late and just be frustrated and give up on going entirely, plenty of trouble with sleeping longer than I should because I stayed up all night to finish that assignment, which of course since I missed the class it was due I didn't even get to turn in, plenty of just sleeping problems in general.

I feel that I'm just not motivated to do my work. I want to do it, I want to do it well, I want to take my time and work really hard at it. I really really want to do it. I've always felt like that, and I've never been able to really do that. In middle school and high school I just gave up trying, decided I was too smart for class anyway and to save myself from admitting I just sucked at school decided my sleeping in class and day dreaming was intentional (it really wasn't.)

In college...I decided I just needed to take some time off and do something else (either move out of the country pro-gaming or taking a semester off to work a factory job or something) to get an appreciation for school so I could have the motivation I so desperately want and need. But, since I don't have a car or a license and my parents would never be on board with that I have no means to doing it. If I dropped out of college, they would kick me out of the house. Still...I came close on many occasions despite knowing I'd be majorly screwed if I did. The only reason I didn't more than once was because I had no idea how to go about doing it (truthfully I still don't, but that's probably a good thing.)


I have dropped a lot of classes half way through the semester, rushed to pick up filler classes, and managed to magically pass classes that I have no idea how I passed (must have been sheer dumb luck or mix ups with the grades...I honestly have no idea)... I'm going into my 5th year of college and will probably be a 7-8 year senior for a 4 year degree. Of course, I've made up a lot of excuses for that too, rather than admitting it was largely because of my 12 hour semesters and dropping really important classes because I didn't know how I was going to pass them, or because at 12 hours the work load was already too much for me to properly manage...despite not really being all that much at all.

But I have a GPA over 3.0, so...I still see myself as some what successful in school. I haven't dropped out of college or failed any courses (although entirely thanks to being able to drop half way through the semester.) But I also haven't learned crap. I took a physics class and got a C in it, barely, and the entire time I spent on learning the algebra because I'm an idiot and whenever I would go to focus I'd focus entirely on that rather than the physics (despite having a calculator that would do the algebra for me. I have no idea why I did that. I don't know how to do any of that physics stuff now, and honestly I didn't even then.)

We had our physics homework on line and I would get so frustrated with the program that I'd give up and refuse to do it, I failed so so many homework assignments. In fact, I fail a lot of homework assignments, last semester I failed over 90% of my home work assignments. Homework is just harder to do, since anything that I am left to my own devices with is inevitably going to be put off or forgotten about.

I lack motivation. I lack motivation to do things that I want to do, I lack motivation to do things that I have to do. I don't know how I have made it this far in life in all honesty, but depending on who you ask I haven't really 'made it' at all. I've never had a relationship, I found my first real friend at the age of 21, I've worked one job for a very short period of time, I've never felt like I've succeeded at anything I've ever done, and to make things easier for me I've exaggerated and lied about my success to make life just bearable to the people I come in contact with.

I didn't make it as a professional video gamer, because, I just didn't put the time and effort in. I knew what I needed to do, I pleaded with myself to do it..but I'd always give up almost immediately after starting. The only reason I'm allowed to say I have any success at all is because a friend of mine, who really believed in me, gave me a chance, and well...truth is I just let him down. But, story of my life I suppose.

I know I have good traits, but unfortunately the bad ones seem to be what people remember. I feel worthless as a friend, and worthless as a person overall, like someone with nothing to offer anyone.

"You could choose to listen, but 80% of the time you don't."
"why are you so stubborn??"
"you are beyond selfish but I've just come to accept that's who you are"

these are the kind of things I feel like I am when I'm around other people. NEGATIVE things,...but I know I'm not a bad person. I do my damn best to be as kind, as helpful, as unjudging, as 'there' for whoever, when I can. I try to lend an ear, and I'm poor but if I have money I try to pay for other peoples lunch or whatever when their with me. Maybe I'm just too prideful though...but I know if I don't spend the money here, I'll just waste it somewhere else.

Because I suck with money. Growing up, I though I'd be amazing with money. I recall a conversation with my mom about how I'd live off ramen noodles and make $1000 last a whole semester and then some...but here I am making huge purchases as gifts or spending super amounts of money on my latest interest because I want the best of the best, always over nighting EVERYTHING because I'm too damn impatient to wait a few days (spending sometimes 2x-3x what the actual item costs in shipping to do so), regretting purchasing most of what I buy since I know I don't really need it, etc etc..

I tried really hard to stick to a good money plan last semester, but no, as long as I have access to all of my money it's going to get spent on stuff that doens't matter.

I have no idea where about 60% of my money goes.

This post is really long and it's not even really what I wanted to originally write...but..I think it's a good start. I don't know where I should have posted this, but I had to get it out. I'm sorry if it's in the wrong place. I've been feeling really depressed the past few days since making this realization that I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I am not perfect to anyone, so I constantly down play my struggles and give myself that "but other people have it so much worse, how dare you complain at all" line.

I can't live like this any longer though, and yesterday I did something really stupid, which is probably the catalyst to me making this post. I am trying to get ready to go back to school, and I was feeling all around crappy about myself...and how I haven't been taking my meds since I keep putting off going and picking up more (for various reasons of course). so I decided to finish off the last 2 pills of 5-htp I had since I figured that might help, since maybe this depression was caused by not taking the prozac in a while. and then I noticed an almost empty bottle of ibuprofen...so...I just dumped the remaining pills in my hand and swallowed them. I have no idea why I did that, there must have been 10-20 pills. I just didn't think. I immediately regretted doing it and got really scared. Thankfully I'm okay, I wasn't trying to kill myself...I just wanted to empty the bottle so I could put it in the trash. how stupid.

what if it had been something that really would have done serious harm? ??? I'm still incredibly scared that I did that. I don't know what to think or do about it. maybe just be glad nothing more serious happened.

anyway, I'm going to find a way to be completely honest with my psychologist when I see him again. I have to, because I just can't keep on like this. It's eating at me and eating at me and eating at me.

I don't know how I'm going to go back to my psychiatrist though, I'm just as embarassed and ashamed of not taking the medicine as prescribed and putting off getting a refill...I'm thinking of maybe telling him it was intentional and requesting a different type of anti-depressant. but that's just a cop out and I know it. I should be completely honest, but it's hard. but why is it hard? probably because I'm cynical about them, I feel like maybe they don't even believe in mental health problems. but that's silly...they are in the mental health fields after all...

gah. life is too hard sometimes, I wish I could just take a break...the thought of being drugged out of my mind sounds so appealing to me. I'm afraid if I don't find help relief of my problems through my pdocs then I'm going to end up getting addicted to drugs or something, because all I can think about is just getting high right now so I don't have to feel this way anymore.

sorry for the long post, it's not what it was originally intended to be, but I think it will be helpful for getting me through this whole situation. I'm just glad summer is about to be over, even though I didn't manage to finish a single thing I set out to do...but maybe the odds were stacked against me anyway.
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Old 08-16-11, 09:04 PM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CaptainCadet View Post
I've come here and I've tried to explain my problems in detail, I've went to the doctors and I've given them labels mostly, trying to make my problems sound less and less invasive than what they were, and I've just had a really hard time admitting, even to myself, that I really am struggling in all areas of my life.
I have the same trouble as you.

I have high expectations for myself, and I don't think I've met one. The result is shame and embarassment. I want to project perfection. ADD doesn't allow me to do this.

For whatever reason, it's difficult for some of us to admit to things about us or even see that we are really struggling (part of it is self-esteem). This may seem like a controversial statement, but I'm sticking to it. Dr. Barkley says it's typical for an ADDer to wait until about the age of 30 to seek help.

It's a big step you've made.
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Old 08-16-11, 10:56 PM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

things are tough for sure for people like us,but drugs are not the way to cope. i tried that and it literally set me back ten years.not because i went to jail or anything, but i waisted ten year of my life.the only thing that kept me sane is music, because thats my talent,i suggest you find your talent, and embrace that.i found in things that i was naturally good at, my a.d.d. didnt affect me so much, and in turn gave me joy and self worth..everyone has a talent find yours..good luck
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Old 08-16-11, 11:31 PM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

Have you been evaluated for ADHD?

As for minimizing with docs, *don't do it*. Docs may sometimes be morons, but if you don't give them the truth you can't possibly get an accurate dx.

I am working on a list of concrete symptoms, and how these impact my life at the worst of times. I want my psych to know how bad it can get. You have to tell the truth, so that they can understand the "impairment" it is causing you.

As for feeling embarrassed, you can bring that up too with your doc. Obviously there are things that you *want* to do, but something is making you *unable* to do them. That is the difference between being stubborn, lazy, or selfish, and an impairment.

It also sounds like your parents were really hard on you. They did not know or understand that you are suffering from a real problem. I think you can give them time to get informed and adjust to the idea that this is the way you are by no fault of your own, and then if they continue to treat you that way you will have to put your foot down.

Maybe you should also do the same thing with yourself. You know, educate yourself about your problems, and be more understanding and forgiving of yourself. Don't expect yourself to be like others. They are probably just as messed up as you, but in some other way.

Take care!!
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Old 08-17-11, 01:49 AM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

(((hugs))) to captaincadet

I have felt alot like you over the years and I know and understand how hard it is to go through it all and sometimes if you just dont think about it you tend to feel numb to the pain but in the long run that is not going to help you.
You did the first step in telling us on here about how you are feeling and what is going on.
I am and still am having trouble trying to come to terms with the truth of my life and I too will lie about my success to other people, most people are complete arses and usually judge people on where they are at life and are easy to make fun of, dont make those type of people make you feel bad.
Ive always had trust issues with people too they tend to like me and I like them when we first meet and I think they are such a lovely person but after a little while it all changes and it seems like they dont like me anymore and wont even talk to me like they use to and this really hurts, I had gotten to a stage where if I want to make a good impression I can do it in the short term but then I dont want to be around them after that because they wont like me and stop talking to me.

As for study goes I know how you feel, I went straight into early childhood education after finishing school, I was in a class full of young people and I didnt get along with any of them and it was kind of off putting and as the year went on I started missing classes and like you the motivation went away and I didnt pass I felt like such a failure.

There is so many things I want to say that Ive failed in life too but that will make this post very long so I'm just going to leave it at that. I just want to say that I totally get you and you are not alone there honey and I believe you should be honest with your psychologist or even if you feel more comfortable you could start fresh with a new psychologist you might even be surprised and how much better you feel about yourself just telling them about how you feel and your thoughts on things.
I too have been ashamed with my problems I have been embarrassed about myself ever since I was about 13 yrs old because I felt different to others and I was never really good at anything.
Now I should take my own advice and think about seeing someone to talk to
Anyway hang in there honey and hopefully things will start to look up for you.
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Old 08-17-11, 07:56 AM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

Thanks guys, I can't even tell you how much it means to me that I can come here without being judged. I think I'm ready to really talk to my pdoc this time, I guess this was sort of a trial run at it. I don't know why I'm so afraid of being judged, but, I think I don't care anymore, thanks for giving me that. I really really mean it too, thank you !

Quote:
Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd View Post
I have the same trouble as you.

I have high expectations for myself, and I don't think I've met one. The result is shame and embarassment. I want to project perfection. ADD doesn't allow me to do this.

For whatever reason, it's difficult for some of us to admit to things about us or even see that we are really struggling (part of it is self-esteem). This may seem like a controversial statement, but I'm sticking to it. Dr. Barkley says it's typical for an ADDer to wait until about the age of 30 to seek help.

It's a big step you've made.
That's a really nice concise way to put it, I have high expectations for myself, and I don't think I've met one. Thanks for that, and everything (reading your other posts and threads has helped me get through these past few days, for whatever reason)

Quote:
Originally Posted by amorant1 View Post
things are tough for sure for people like us,but drugs are not the way to cope. i tried that and it literally set me back ten years.not because i went to jail or anything, but i waisted ten year of my life.the only thing that kept me sane is music, because thats my talent,i suggest you find your talent, and embrace that.i found in things that i was naturally good at, my a.d.d. didnt affect me so much, and in turn gave me joy and self worth..everyone has a talent find yours..good luck
Thanks, I know drugs aren't the way but I just keep thinking back to how nice it was the last time I got high. I know that's dumb, and I've only ever done that a handful of times in my whole life, and really it was only really nice the last time (Where incidentally I had the smallest amount of drug in my system period, guess I'm sensitive to that stuff or something) but I just keep wishing I could go back to feeling like that, rather than how I've been feeling.

But it's not the answer, it's really not. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pechemignonne View Post
Have you been evaluated for ADHD?
I did go through some kind of evaluation, but it was basically just an IQ test, an achievement test and some self-rating scale thingy.

Any time I was asked about my history I really minimized as hard as I could, to the point of dismissal. I tried not to but I just felt so embarrassed to even be able to admit that everything wasn't all peaches growing up. That I did struggle with dealing with other people, I did struggle at home, I did struggle with doing my homework and really struggled with any kind of project (my parents were really strict on that stuff, otherwise there's no way it would have ever gotten done.)

The end result was basically her telling me that because I couldn't recall any problems before age 7 I couldn't be diagnosed with ADHD as per the DSM.

It's true I don't recall the time before that age, but I do know I had problems back then too because I've been told about how I used to behave when I was little. At times it was good, and at other times it still makes me cringe.

Which is why the results of my evaluation sucked so much, I really was hoping to get a completely conclusive answer, but the more I learn and the more time goes on I realize unless I see a specialist that probably won't ever happen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pechemignonne View Post
As for minimizing with docs, *don't do it*. Docs may sometimes be morons, but if you don't give them the truth you can't possibly get an accurate dx.
I know I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet I think, it all kind of happened sorta fast, and yet agonizingly slow at the same time. I don't know, but I think I'm ready to go in and be completely honest, I think part of it was just that I felt like I wasn't even worth their time, I shouldn't have even been there, and that I wasn't even deserving of help regardless of what was wrong with me.

But I know I'm not worthless, doesn't stop me from feeling that way but I know I'm not. I just need to keep telling myself that until I really believe it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pechemignonne View Post
I am working on a list of concrete symptoms, and how these impact my life at the worst of times. I want my psych to know how bad it can get. You have to tell the truth, so that they can understand the "impairment" it is causing you.

As for feeling embarrassed, you can bring that up too with your doc. Obviously there are things that you *want* to do, but something is making you *unable* to do them. That is the difference between being stubborn, lazy, or selfish, and an impairment.

It also sounds like your parents were really hard on you. They did not know or understand that you are suffering from a real problem. I think you can give them time to get informed and adjust to the idea that this is the way you are by no fault of your own, and then if they continue to treat you that way you will have to put your foot down.

Maybe you should also do the same thing with yourself. You know, educate yourself about your problems, and be more understanding and forgiving of yourself. Don't expect yourself to be like others. They are probably just as messed up as you, but in some other way.

Take care!!
I think I'm going to have to bring it up with him. He told me at one point that I was just not being too clear and he kept trying to get me to really open up I think, but I just couldn't do it.

I think he'll be understanding, at least I hope he will.

As for my parents, I don't know. I am not ready to deal with that yet. Thanks for the reply though

Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkRoxy View Post
(((hugs))) to captaincadet

I have felt alot like you over the years and I know and understand how hard it is to go through it all and sometimes if you just dont think about it you tend to feel numb to the pain but in the long run that is not going to help you.
You did the first step in telling us on here about how you are feeling and what is going on.
I am and still am having trouble trying to come to terms with the truth of my life and I too will lie about my success to other people, most people are complete arses and usually judge people on where they are at life and are easy to make fun of, dont make those type of people make you feel bad.
Ive always had trust issues with people too they tend to like me and I like them when we first meet and I think they are such a lovely person but after a little while it all changes and it seems like they dont like me anymore and wont even talk to me like they use to and this really hurts, I had gotten to a stage where if I want to make a good impression I can do it in the short term but then I dont want to be around them after that because they wont like me and stop talking to me.

As for study goes I know how you feel, I went straight into early childhood education after finishing school, I was in a class full of young people and I didnt get along with any of them and it was kind of off putting and as the year went on I started missing classes and like you the motivation went away and I didnt pass I felt like such a failure.

There is so many things I want to say that Ive failed in life too but that will make this post very long so I'm just going to leave it at that. I just want to say that I totally get you and you are not alone there honey and I believe you should be honest with your psychologist or even if you feel more comfortable you could start fresh with a new psychologist you might even be surprised and how much better you feel about yourself just telling them about how you feel and your thoughts on things.
I too have been ashamed with my problems I have been embarrassed about myself ever since I was about 13 yrs old because I felt different to others and I was never really good at anything.
Now I should take my own advice and think about seeing someone to talk to
Anyway hang in there honey and hopefully things will start to look up for you.
If I start fresh with a new psychologist I'll just be doing the same thing I always do, when I feel like I've screwed something up...go running and try to start over where no one knows that I've ever failed before in my life.

Thanks for being here, and I hope you do follow your own advice, I think it's good!
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Old 08-17-11, 09:20 AM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

I relate to a lot of what you've said here. I have a re-evaluation coming up in September with a new doc and have been dreading it. I hate to recall and explain my childhood, teens or present situation as honestly as I should for a proper diagnosis. Truth is recalling is reliving and whereas it was painful then, it's agonizing now. I would cry in grade school if my teacher asked me a question because I instantly felt stupid. I tried to be invisible so the other kids wouldn't tease me. I never did homework because I didn't see the point of it, started skipping middle school because of teasing. Finally I emotionally shut down and turned into a mean b****. I'm still trying to snap out of being that way, but resolve any feelings of guilt over the potentially hurtful things I do/say by thinking 'they would do the same or worse to you if you let them'. I'm totally bitter and can admit that now. Hopefully both of us will get the help we need and begin to heal.
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Old 08-17-11, 01:34 PM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

Cap'n -

It took a lot of courage to post what you did.

your post resonates so strongly with me. The details are different but I see a lot me and both my adult sons in what you've written.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CaptainCadet View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by pechemignonne View Post
As for minimizing with docs, *don't do it*. Docs may sometimes be morons, but if you don't give them the truth you can't possibly get an accurate dx.

I am working on a list of concrete symptoms, and how these impact my life at the worst of times. I want my psych to know how bad it can get. You have to tell the truth, so that they can understand the "impairment" it is causing you.

As for feeling embarrassed, you can bring that up too with your doc. Obviously there are things that you *want* to do, but something is making you *unable* to do them. That is the difference between being stubborn, lazy, or selfish, and an impairment.
I know I just wasn't ready to talk about it yet I think, it all kind of happened sorta fast, and yet agonizingly slow at the same time. I don't know, but I think I'm ready to go in and be completely honest, I think part of it was just that I felt like I wasn't even worth their time, I shouldn't have even been there, and that I wasn't even deserving of help regardless of what was wrong with me.
You should print out your post and take it to your psych. It's a great explanation of what it's like to be you.

Hang in there - it can and will get better.

Cap'n
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Old 08-17-11, 02:16 PM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

Sounds very familiar - trying to make ourselves seem normal - not just to
other people, but even to ourselves.

My parents wanted me to go to college, but they didn't push it. So glad for
that at least. Although I felt like I failed them for not going to college and
getting a career, failing college would have felt just as bad I think.

I was a kid during the 50's when no one was getting diagnosed or treated
for ADHD. I might have done more with my life if I'd had a dx and treatment.
I hope you'll be able to talk to your doc or show him your OP from this thread.
There is help available now and you deserve some help at last.
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Old 08-17-11, 02:29 PM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

This post resonated very strongly with me, and made me feel very sad. There are so many things that echo some of the places I've been, or am in right now.

The college thing, it takes time to fight through. A lot more self motivation and initiative was required on that level of education, and I struggled with it. I never thought I would get my degree. It took me about 10-11 years to get the 4-year degree. It's was unbearable. Some of what you described happened to me over the course of it...in the end I dragged myself across the finish line at a pace of one or two classes per semester. Excruciating.

I felt so embarrassed that it took me so long. And I can totally empathize with that feeling of shame that our accomplishments only go so far, or fall short of the mark. Rationalizing, minimizing, putting on a facade in order to hold at bay the ravaging criticism (of which there is an endless backlog that's hard enough to shake off in hopes of forgiving oneself).

I experienced that rampant loathing and resentment that I was somehow askew from the rest of the world. When I learned about God, I begged, pleaded, demanded, screamed and cursed at him to make me like everybody else for years until I lost sight of the bigger picture, spiralled down in perspective and ended up cussing him out for all the small, petty obstructions that popped up in life.

I've wanted to end myself, and I've occasionally wished I could have my entire existence un-threaded from reality so that I was never even known, to save myself and the people I've known from the frustration of it all.

I'm not trying to say these things to get anybody else down, I just really empathized with the original post here.
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Old 08-17-11, 03:16 PM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

CaptainCadet, I wanted to pull a quote from SB_UK that I hope will serve you well. He layed out the difference in terms of experiencing shame between us (ADDers) and normal brained individuals.

Quote:
Perhaps the shame which ADDers all too readily feel is our way of handling feelings which are (more objectively) grounded in moral outrage at another's behaviour.

When the poorly behaved child stomps off in a mood, the ADDer left wondering 'but if only I'd ... ... ...'

Self-destructive shame as our reaction to what should be feeling ashamed at another's behaviour.

We (ADDers) though don't like shifting the blame.

The nonADD way (in contrast to ADD) - over-readiness to characterize the departing child as 'bad'.
It seems like it is in our nature to focus on what we did wrong and blame ourselves. I knew an ADDer whose sister committed suicide when he was a kid (I got the impression he was a teenager). He was in his late 60's as I knew him. I'll never forget the time when he mentioned her suicide at work. He was upset. I rarely saw him like this. Somehow, he thought he should have done something differently to help her. He said, "maybe I could've helped her." Moreover, he thought he might have been able to prevent her death. At that moment, he was, in my opinion, down on himself for not doing something different. Meanwhile, he grew up in a home with an alcoholic father.
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Old 08-17-11, 05:10 PM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

A lot of what the OP said happened to me as well. When I finally stopped minimizing and was completely honest with my PDoc she said she was surprised by my sincere honesty but she gave me the treatment that I needed. If you have a good PDoc honesty is the best thing for you.
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Old 08-17-11, 06:06 PM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tristan Jay View Post
The college thing, it takes time to fight through. A lot more self motivation and initiative was required on that level of education, and I struggled with it. I never thought I would get my degree. It took me about 10-11 years to get the 4-year degree. It's was unbearable. Some of what you described happened to me over the course of it...in the end I dragged myself across the finish line at a pace of one or two classes per semester. Excruciating.
It took me ten years to get my bachelor's degree, and I limped towards commencement. I was constantly comparing myself to people, who for one, had a normal brain. That's not something I'm able to easily remember. I'm getting better at accepting myself for what I've accomplished. I'm embracing things I never would have deemed an accomplishment. I feel like it was an accomplishment for me to have graduated high school, knowing how ADDers are more likely than normal brains to drop out.

While at the four-year college (I got my associate's degree first), I became driven to get all A's. With the exception of a couple courses, I Aced everything. I graduated with a 3.859 GPA and Magna Cum Laude. But, these accomplishments will never make up for the pain that I undeservingly endured on account of my grades throughout my life in the school system. I wasn't even in that much control. In my current state, I would give away my Magna Cum Laude accomplishment to have been accepted for who I was. That's a drink of water I've only known on rare occasions in my life. My grades and bachelor's degree are f****** worthless anyway now. They have been for nearly two years.

I wish my parents knew how hard it was for me. My mom actually has ADD and experienced many of the things I experienced in my childhood, but she was too dumb to figure out different ways to reach me. She had 16 years to become a better parent, but she couldn't do it. That's why I moved away in April of 1997.

The treatment I endured was really unfair. I was just walking back from getting ice cream, and I pondered what was most important to my parents while I was growing up. It was my grades. Of course, I could never live up to their expectations on a regular basis (ADD is a performance disorder). Due to me not living up to their expectations, I felt worthless and depressed. I know it's so easy to monday quarterback, but to put a person's self-worth on a letter next to a subject, is a foolish message to convey. Present that message to someone, who has difficulty in that area, well, look at my life for the impact it can have. I see it clearly because of what that type of thinking has done to me as an adult. My parents will never hold themselves accountable for the damage they've done to me. I'm reminded that my mom has actually admitted to failing me. If I ever have kids, they're gonna be cool for who they are and not what they do.

And this is the damage this disorder can bring to someone's life. It affects every area, but I think most telling is how it impacts us psychologically. It has impacted my self-esteem. It impacts the way I feel around people. It makes me stress out more. It impacts how much I can enjoy the life that's been given to me. I think that's the greatest loss and tragedy. F*** money problems. F*** relationship issues. F*** stupid jobs. It's the impact this disorder has had on me psychologically.

Sorry, this is a bit of a rant. A can of worms was opened up inside me.
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Old 08-17-11, 08:27 PM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

Holla for the ten-year undergrad program!!
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Old 08-17-11, 10:56 PM
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Re: I'm embarassed and ashamed about my problems.

Quote:
Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd View Post
It took me ten years to get my bachelor's degree, and I limped towards commencement.

My grades and bachelor's degree are f****** worthless anyway now. They have been for nearly two years.
Ouch. This is exactly me, too. I think this is why I cling to substitute teaching; impractical as it is, it's the only "door" I was able to figure out how to make open for me thanks to that piece of paper. I'm sorry it opened a can of worms for you, I can totally empathize with the frustration of working so hard for something that doesn't pan out as well as we might have hoped.

Last edited by Tristan Jay; 08-17-11 at 11:18 PM..
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