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Old 03-26-17, 06:53 PM
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Feeling too old

It's pretty stupid but it's been troubling me for a while now. Really troubling me. I keep fretting that im not younger, at least by a few years, at least one year. I'm not sure why it's bothering me this much. I'm fairly healthy, really healthy actually, so a year or so shouldn't make a difference of any sort.

I guess apart from absolute health it troubles me that i seem to lag behind others in so many ways. I'm in my late 30ies and I still don't have a clear career path. Actually technically I'm unemployed right now. I know I need to start looking for a job soon but I've got no idea where or how or what actually my skills are. Other people of my age have full lectureships (or other permanent positions).

All my friends and acquaintances are younger than me by a few years. And they all have more established careers and older kids. Even hubby is a couple of years younger than me.

I've just had a little girl and while I'm over the moon and feel incredibly grateful for some strange reason I feel this incredibly idiotic sadness everytime I think about her future. Eg I look forward to when she's old enough to do proper walks with us or helping her with her homework and then I think 'oh..ill be I'm my 40ies. That sucks.' And I worry that all her classmates and friends' parents will be much younger than me.

Me being this old means that my parents are old too abd that weighs heavily on my mind as well. I worry about them dying or getting serious illnesses. I worry about my pen mortality too. Well to be honest it scares the hell out of me.

I worry about my appearance too though I know it doesn't really matter. I suddenly look a lot older though. I suddenly look my age I think. Soon I won't look good anymore and soon it won't matter anymore either. No one will care what I look like. I know it's stupid abd it shouldn't matter abd I feel stupid that it bothers Me

More than anything I still feel so lost and clueless. I guess I thought that at some point I'd just get better at all this. At adulting. At living. I feel as if I'm running out of time. Time for what I'm not sure.

Sorry not sure what my point is abd I'm too tired to think. It's just set hung that's really troubling me at the moment.
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Old 03-26-17, 07:13 PM
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Re: Feeling too old

The ONLY person any of us need compare ourselves to is ourselves. Other people are their own selves with their own qualms.. Do you practice meditation? It really helps be in the present moment and less anxious, fearful and worried-both about things in our control and things beyond our control. Idle minds worry much too.. Sometimes just getting out there in the world and experiencing new things, regardless of what feelings say prior, is the best way to discover what you want to do career or otherwise.

Best wishes and hope you feel better.
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Old 03-26-17, 09:20 PM
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Re: Feeling too old

You aren't even 40 yet?? You are young!!! Enjoy! Now over 50, you can start to think like this. Wait a sec, I'm over 50.....make that 60!
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Old 03-27-17, 02:58 AM
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Re: Feeling too old

There are two ages that matter.

Dead, and Not Dead Yet.

Everything in the second of those categories is a gift.
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Old 03-27-17, 04:21 AM
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Re: Feeling too old

Fuzzy- I get this totally. I can tell you that having kids makes this line of thinking easier to engage in because our mortality is usually centered on ourselves. Then you have kids and you are now responsible for a living being so you start worrying about what would happen if something happened to you and how would your fuzzling survive. How will the baby grow up? Will I do the wrong things and screw up my child? Will I make mistakes that cant be reversed? Will I love the baby enough? Then you also think stuff like: Will I ever have time for myself again? Will I lose my identity, youth or beauty? Will I ever get a career? all of these things I believe start turning in a persons' mind once they have kids.
Without marginalizing anyone or being sexist, I think this is more typical of women because our youth and physical beauty seems to be weighted more and tied more to our age. When you grow up with those unspoken messages of beauty and youth being the number one end goal, its hard to accept that they are really not that important.
I wish I had a solution for you. I was looking at myself in the mirror yesterday applying makeup and thought about how I need to start wearing sunscreen on my face because I think I am getting age sun spots. I wish I had thought about it years earlier. If I let myself go there too much I start thinking that I look worn and every year of the 42 I am shows. Or maybe I look much older than 42?

Its an endless cycle. I try not to go there because emotionally and mentally I still feel like I am in my early 20's. Ill take that anyday over worrying about my looks and age.
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Old 03-27-17, 05:18 AM
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Re: Feeling too old

I'm going through something like this too.

My therapist told me that this is a common feeling for people in our generation.

Today is my birthday. I'm having a difficult time accepting my age-- thinking of the number fully and applying it to myself. I am no longer younger than 37.

I've been known to tell others that age is just a number but that phrase feels like bs right now because it's directed at me.

Where are we supposed to be at in our lives? The last generation had it wrong and the next one is on our heels.

I'm not trying to make you feel worse but I also don't want to tell you age doesn't matter. We already know that and it's not drawing any comfort. The answer involving sunshine and rainbows isn't always the best or what we need to hear.

We look in the mirror, our appearance is changing. Those dumb smile lines... the back of my hands look different. Subtle changes but we see them. It's vanity but it still needs to be processed. I don't look and judge other people by the lines on their face. I see beauty in most people-- unless they're generally awful. I'm trying to give myself the same acceptance. Older doesn't mean unattractive. (I've definitely got a thing for guys with some grey in their hair. >.> )

What you're feeling is valid. It's difficult telling people older than us how we feel. It almost feels insulting and most people seem to take those feelings as a personal insults. I felt like apologizing to my therapist when I brought it up.

I've been side stepping better positions at work because it horrifies me. People keep pushing for me to apply and I can't bring myself to do it.

I'm just now figuring out who I am-- and is this what I want? No. I can't be stuck behind a desk and computer screens for the rest of my life. I like it but I don't love it.

I want to bind and repair books. I want to illustrate and paint. Is it feasible? I don't know. I have these pockets of anger and frustration that swell up because I didn't find my passion sooner.

The past is out of my control. I'm trying to accept where I am now. I slip and lament but I'm trying.

I was mending a book the other day and the process made me feel all around warm and happy. I noticed how patient I was while working and I was proud until my inner critic chimed in and told me I'd never really be good enough-- I wasted too much time.

It's all bs.

Why does it matter where I end up if I'm happy right now? Can I accept the moment that I'm in and fix the page that's currently torn? What is good enough?

If we want tomorrow to be better-- we work on today.

I was going to stop but one more ramble:

I love Van Gogh. My Grandma gave me a canvas print of Café Terrace at Night when I was a kid. I used to get lost in that painting, especially when I was sad or lonely. I pretended I was the shadowy figure. I was no longer in the center of whatever was bothering or hurting me.

The related point:

Van Gogh didn't have a solid path most of his life. He was a failed art dealer who was supposed to be a pastor. He started painting at 27. He preduced over 900 paintings before he died at 37 He's one of the most influential figures in Western art.

I'm not saying we're Van Gogh's but I've always found comfort in his story-- especially since I've been so effected by one of his paintings.

We aren't too old. It's never too late. We can't control the future or the past. We have the moment we're in and we might as well do what we can with it.
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Old 03-27-17, 07:16 AM
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Re: Feeling too old

Fuzzy, first of all it's just physically draining to have a child; and then as they grow, your life becomes logistically simpler, and you can find new interests and new things, including things you will share and enjoy with Fuzzling, and your life will just evolve, naturally

Honestly, I feel younger now than I did at 30.
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Old 03-27-17, 11:13 AM
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Re: Feeling too old

I saw Van Goghs night star or something painting. Really amazing.

I feel very much like that, I have a career that hasn't stared yet.

To deal with it I just have to believe it's there. Your younger than me.
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Old 03-27-17, 11:58 AM
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Re: Feeling too old

The other day I was talking to my mother on the phone. She's eighty-five years old, but she sounded to me like a little girl, kinda vulnerable and hopeful. After the phone call I had this thought that we don't necessarily lose touch with the ages that we were in the past. That we, in fact can embody all of the ages that we were. I often think that I'm stuck at the age of sixteen, even though I just turned 55. I think that my partner acts like a twelve year old. He's sixty-two.

The thoughts above probably have nothing to do with what you're concerned about, though. Comparing oneself to their peers is hard and painful. I tend to look for people older than myself and appreciate how well they are doing at their age. And then I feel like the youngster.
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Old 03-27-17, 04:21 PM
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Re: Feeling too old

I don't feel old. I feel young but not necessarily in a good way. I feel immature and lost and clueless.
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Old 03-27-17, 06:31 PM
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Re: Feeling too old

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
I don't feel old. I feel young but not necessarily in a good way. I feel immature and lost and clueless.
I feel like that also. Always have. But surely something drives you.
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Old 03-27-17, 07:25 PM
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Re: Feeling too old

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
I don't feel old. I feel young but not necessarily in a good way. I feel immature and lost and clueless.
We are over-sensitive and over-emotional ... things that society sees as immature.

Most people freak when they turn 20, or 40, you knows those "round numbers."
Not me. I freaked when I was 19 because I was going to be 20. I still have
three more years before I'll be a year away from 70, but it's starting to weigh
on me. I won't always be here to help my daughter and grandkids. *sigh*
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Old 03-27-17, 07:32 PM
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Re: Feeling too old

It's something I've felt since my early 20's. I'm now 32, and that feeling is gone. It's actually kind of the opposite.

It's totally different circumstance though. I have been ...not the social type. I don't have family life, social things, girlfriends that pull me away from my own personal distractions.

So it gives me quite a bit more time and freedom to move about that others don't necessarily have. Meaning, I recognize that I lag behind others in terms of goals and accomplishments, but by pushing aside those important aspects of life, it has allowed me to focus on my ''career goals''.

Those career goals include: Do something that challenges me and doesn't bore me. I did that as a Surveyor for roughly 10 years now, but I've recently taken Electrical engineering in college.

I've worked on many jobs, worked with many people at various levels of age and career progression. And there is no sort of linear progression. There's old people that are more immature than young people, young people that are over-accomplished and able to work with dedication that I don't see in older people. But the opposite traits are reversed as well in their respective age demographics.

That's helped me understand: growth is not linear, and neither is mine. I've acquired more wisdom than people much older than me, and I use that definition loosely. I mean it within the context of the conflict of my own personal life. Emotional control is something I also excel at in comparison to my peers.

So here I am, 32 years old looking at kids that are 17-22 years old that have social skills I didn't acquire until I was around 30. I'll see people in my course older than me [including my instructors], that don't have an understanding of the professional world, or the react a bit too knee-jerk instead of more outward analyzing things.

With the combination of these experiences and understanding of what is actually ''growth and age'', and how this growth is independent to very specific aspects of life, and the individual.

Now, I'm more concerned with something else: I'm no longer concerned with me being an older guy competing with kids out of school. Not even a little bit. I'll even put them ahead of myself if I see really strong traits that makes me sure they'll succeed. Rather, I'm more concerned about whether or not this will tide me over for the rest of my life. Or will I be 40 or 50 years old doing the same thing...going back to school. The issue here, is my body and mental stamina is less likely going to be able to keep up with my own ambitions. That's my only concern with age.
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Old 03-28-17, 12:41 AM
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Re: Feeling too old

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
I guess apart from absolute health it troubles me that i seem to lag behind others in so many ways. I'm in my late 30ies and I still don't have a clear career path. Actually technically I'm unemployed right now. I know I need to start looking for a job soon but I've got no idea where or how or what actually my skills are. Other people of my age have full lectureships (or other permanent positions).

...

More than anything I still feel so lost and clueless. I guess I thought that at some point I'd just get better at all this. At adulting. At living. I feel as if I'm running out of time. Time for what I'm not sure.
I can sympathize a lot, especially with these parts of your post.

Like, it's not so much about being "old," so much as it's about being "behind schedule," for lack of a better term. (The "schedule" is all the stuff you want to accomplish in life, combined with knowledge of what other people are doing just so you know what's reasonable and available.) Depending on how optimistic you were, you probably had "becoming a competent adult" scheduled for somewhere between 18 and 24 years old.
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Old 03-28-17, 09:28 AM
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Re: Feeling too old

Congratulations on the addition to your family. Raising a child is the most important and validating job we can possibly participate in as humans. I know that my firstborn knocked the selfish right out of my *** the moment he entered this world.

It can certainly be overwhelming, but try to live in the moment as much as possible as time will most certainly not slow down

40 is the new 30 in today's world no doubt. You have plenty of time to grow and prosper in new avenues and interests. I wish I had magical advice, but all I can say is stay positive and enjoy every minute of your family time.
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