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  #1  
Old 05-26-18, 08:08 PM
MindBlind MindBlind is offline
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**** just got real

I really have egg on my face now.

Okay, so over the past few weeks my insomnia started to get worse and worse. Because I work full time and canít really afford to call in sick, I figured that I should just grin and bear the lack of sleep and just plow through my day anyway. It wasnít really affecting my productivity so I assumed I was probably getting enough sleep anyway. This went on for a while.

Then after a very difficult situation in my life, my anxiety (which was already an issue) shot through the roof and I had exhausted all my coping strategies. The CPN on the phone figured it could be that my medication is too low a dose and that my psychiatrist might discuss it in our next session. Well I stupidly decided to increase my own dose anyway.

I didnít think it would do much, but sure enough I began to feel okay, but my sleep only got worse. There were three days in that week were I got no sleep within a 24 hour period. Unlike the other times, I wasnít really tired and I was actually quite chatty and vibrant. I felt very creative and was super productive in spite of the sleep deprivation. My libido increased to the point where it was actually unpleasant and at times debilitating. I felt this weird feeling all over my body, my head pulsated and my mind was a whirlwind of fleeting ideas and suspicious theories about others. I couldnít handle my surroundings and I just wanted to crawl out of my own body. On the Sunday, I ended up the crisis number and they were trying to tell me that it was just anxiety. I was furious, shouting obscenities at the poor guy. I realised I was an idiot for increasing the dose and reduced it back to the previous one. Then I took 80mg of propranolol which FINALLY got me to sleep.

This week my body had enough. I had to take a day off work because I suddenly felt physically sick from the lack of sleep. I feel ****ty, tired, hopeless - that old schtick. I canít shake this feeling and my mind is now obsessively thinking about death and suicide methods and whether I should write a living will incase I ***** it somehow. Itís like my internal voice has Touretteís or something.

I dunno. I heard that antidepressant induced hypomania doesnít necessarily make one bipolar and Iím still doubtful about the whole bipolar thing, but last week was pretty disturbing in retrospect. This week, itís been really rough.

My psychiatrist doesnít seem to think itís s big issue because Iím working full time and not suffering from psychosis. The crisis dude was all like ďwhat do you want me to do about it?Ē so itís like, what is the point in talking to these people? Yes, in this situation it was self inflicted and I was an idiot for what I did. Still this whole thing is very worrying and I feel like nobody believes how bad itís gotten.

Anyway, thatís the story of my idiocy.
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  #2  
Old 05-26-18, 08:14 PM
daveddd daveddd is offline
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Re: **** just got real

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Originally Posted by MindBlind View Post
I really have egg on my face now.

Okay, so over the past few weeks my insomnia started to get worse and worse. Because I work full time and canít really afford to call in sick, I figured that I should just grin and bear the lack of sleep and just plow through my day anyway. It wasnít really affecting my productivity so I assumed I was probably getting enough sleep anyway. This went on for a while.

Then after a very difficult situation in my life, my anxiety (which was already an issue) shot through the roof and I had exhausted all my coping strategies. The CPN on the phone figured it could be that my medication is too low a dose and that my psychiatrist might discuss it in our next session. Well I stupidly decided to increase my own dose anyway.

I didnít think it would do much, but sure enough I began to feel okay, but my sleep only got worse. There were three days in that week were I got no sleep within a 24 hour period. Unlike the other times, I wasnít really tired and I was actually quite chatty and vibrant. I felt very creative and was super productive in spite of the sleep deprivation. My libido increased to the point where it was actually unpleasant and at times debilitating. I felt this weird feeling all over my body, my head pulsated and my mind was a whirlwind of fleeting ideas and suspicious theories about others. I couldnít handle my surroundings and I just wanted to crawl out of my own body. On the Sunday, I ended up the crisis number and they were trying to tell me that it was just anxiety. I was furious, shouting obscenities at the poor guy. I realised I was an idiot for increasing the dose and reduced it back to the previous one. Then I took 80mg of propranolol which FINALLY got me to sleep.

This week my body had enough. I had to take a day off work because I suddenly felt physically sick from the lack of sleep. I feel ****ty, tired, hopeless - that old schtick. I canít shake this feeling and my mind is now obsessively thinking about death and suicide methods and whether I should write a living will incase I ***** it somehow. Itís like my internal voice has Touretteís or something.

I dunno. I heard that antidepressant induced hypomania doesnít necessarily make one bipolar and Iím still doubtful about the whole bipolar thing, but last week was pretty disturbing in retrospect. This week, itís been really rough.

My psychiatrist doesnít seem to think itís s big issue because Iím working full time and not suffering from psychosis. The crisis dude was all like ďwhat do you want me to do about it?Ē so itís like, what is the point in talking to these people? Yes, in this situation it was self inflicted and I was an idiot for what I did. Still this whole thing is very worrying and I feel like nobody believes how bad itís gotten.

Anyway, thatís the story of my idiocy.

are you ok? how are you feeling now other than the worry?


but yea, sounds like mania alright. what med was it?

its pretty much the consensus now that AD induced mania at least puts you on the bipolar spectrum somewhere. are you on any bipolar meds?
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  #3  
Old 05-26-18, 08:37 PM
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Re: **** just got real

Aw crap, for real? ****. I thought that was only if you had full blown mania? Did it sound that bad? ****.

Iím on Zoloft, 150mg (I had stupidly increased it to 200mg). This is on top of the concerta. I also take beta blockers sometimes but tbh theyíre pretty tame.

Right now I just feel like a worthless bag of ****. Iím functioning okay at the moment but my mind is relentless with the whole ďI want to dieĒ ****. I might see about calling my psychiatrist and letting him know specifically about that incident and what caused it. Iím a little bit afraid heíll be mad at me but I kinda deserve it. I dunno. Iím feeling a bit suspicious of my psychiatrist because I keep having this idea that he knows whatís up but keeps me in the dark just to see what happens next. Perhaps unlikely but my shrink is a total freaky weirdo so anything is possible.
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  #4  
Old 05-26-18, 08:44 PM
daveddd daveddd is offline
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Re: **** just got real

Quote:
Originally Posted by MindBlind View Post
Aw crap, for real? ****. I thought that was only if you had full blown mania? Did it sound that bad? ****.

Iím on Zoloft, 150mg (I had stupidly increased it to 200mg). This is on top of the concerta. I also take beta blockers sometimes but tbh theyíre pretty tame.

Right now I just feel like a worthless bag of ****. Iím functioning okay at the moment but my mind is relentless with the whole ďI want to dieĒ ****. I might see about calling my psychiatrist and letting him know specifically about that incident and what caused it. Iím a little bit afraid heíll be mad at me but I kinda deserve it. I dunno. Iím feeling a bit suspicious of my psychiatrist because I keep having this idea that he knows whatís up but keeps me in the dark just to see what happens next. Perhaps unlikely but my shrink is a total freaky weirdo so anything is possible.
I'm sorry you are going through that, its really hard, i hope you feel better soon

i know all about the depressive rumination, thats my type of depression too (I'm bipolar 1, but i dont know thats specific to bipolar depression)

I would at least tell doc about the episode. As for why,hard to say , only you know the relationship with your doc, you don't want to lose your ADHD meds if he is that type.

but who knows, maybe a mild bipolar drug on top on that stuff could help (abilify, lamictal )
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  #5  
Old 05-26-18, 09:33 PM
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Re: **** just got real

The dude seems to worship RD Laing, another bat**** psychiatrist who thought schizophrenia wasnít really an illness and apparently gave his patients hallucinogenic drugs because existentialism or whatever. Laing was an important figure in psychiatry for many reasons, but I think my doc is secretly into that weird woo woo supernatural ****. So yeah, the shrink isnít likely to stop my meds.

He was even like ďI donít think youíre the type that needs to be on SSRIís forever but itís up to you if you feel like theyíre workingĒ. That seems a bit too lenient for a doctor to say. I told him that I get thoughts that feel like arenít mine, as if Iím picking up a radio signal, and he was like ďoh thatís neat how your subconscious worksĒ.

I donít doubt his expertise or his professionalism but I think heís not telling me something and I think he thinks I donít know it. I mean, he was all like ďyou can talk to me personally instead of calling the crisis team, incase you would prefer to talk to a more familiar personĒ. I seriously doubt he can just drop everything in his schedule to deal with something the CPN is supposed to deal with. Itís like he wants to ďsee me in actionĒ, so to speak.

But yeah, med wise I should be okay.
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