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Old 11-04-17, 07:59 AM
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sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
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Should I actually consider what it would be like to have a career?

I have a BA in English Lit. I met my husband when I was 18 and we went to the same college. We married when I was 20 and we were both still in school. I was pregnant so he finished school first and I worked, had my son and then went back and finished my last year part time. It took my 5 years and a couple of months to finish. I always worked non-career jobs in day care, and customer service. I used to screw around and couldnt get my act together while I was a free spirit college student still living at home but once I got married I ended up with deans' list . I almost dropped out it was so hard.

I fantasized about becoming a professor. I always said I would never have the patience to treach public school because I wanted to teach people that wanted to be in my class-not had to be. Once I was married and had kids and started spiraling downwards with the bipolar and other stuff I closed the book.
After the last hospitalization I applied for disability and have been receiving it for about 10 years.
I definitely would have been dead without the help that disability has given me. And I truly was not capable of working or self care and barely able to care for the kids right until medicatied. Then there is the alcoholism too.

But I see my kids getting older. Jake is 21 and Becca is almost 18 and they will not live with me forever. Ella is 14. All the problems that my kids have had have been thwarted in part because I was home for them. I stuggled at school events when all the working soccor moms would make small talk with me and act like I was a loser with no skills and couldnt do anything else but stay home with the kids.
I got wise as I got healthier and the last time it came up when Ella was in 5th grade- I said" Have you ever thought about how hard it is to be a dairy farmer? Getting up in the dark and constantly taking care of your cows all day and all the work that goes with it? "
The person always said something like:" Oh yes, rasing farm animals is tough! Better them than me!"
I would then say:" well I am raising humans, I have to get up when its still dark and work all day caring for them, and have to keep them safe and I dont get to lock a gate at night and be off duty until the next morning."

I digress but you get the idea.
Anyway. Im considering getting a teaching certificate to teach high school english. Its what I always thought about and I have been told by my kids friends how "cool" I am which I take to mean as relatable. I dont need to be a cool teacher but I would need to be relatable.
Its a "fast track" process geared towards people that have a BA in the subject they want to teach and know what grades they want to teach.


Im scared to death. Im scared of the word "praxis"which is some kind of test you need to pass to get into a program. I am scared of work. I am scared I forgot everything. I need to contribute more financially cause we are not making it. Some people are unable to work ever again and I thought I was that person but getting sober and healthier has changed my perspective. I feel like now that I am functioning better than I used to. I dont want to seem like someone who is taking advantage of a tool.

But I am 42. My kids need college. How can I go if they need to go? Can I get loans enough to pay it? I cant pay if I dont have loans. My son is going to transfer to a four year school in a year and is applying for high profile poly-sci internships in D.C and I have to help him financially already.
I must be crazy. What if these thoughts are tricking me and will wear off like nail polish?
I am so sorry this is so long.
Alot of it was more like therapy for me but I thank you for reading and commenting on it.

XXXOOO
-sweets
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