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  #14986  
Old 05-17-17, 02:56 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Are you working on that in therapy? It may take a while before you see results, but I think it is definitely possible to grow self-compassion.
So far I talk through my worries about Ebony and he hasn't judged me at all, didn't want to dump everything on him and have him run off screaming cause of being overwhelmed by this piece of bat gas fart
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  #14987  
Old 05-17-17, 03:01 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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So far I talk through my worries about Ebony and he hasn't judged me at all, didn't want to dump everything on him and have him run off screaming cause of being overwhelmed by this piece of bat gas fart
Believe me, overwhelming a therapist isn't an easy thing to do. I revealed some shocking things to my counsellor in rehab. The only thing she was asking was: "Are you telling this to shock me?" Me: "No, I'm telling you because I feel that it is important". Her: "Good. Because if you would try to shock me that's going to be hard."
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  #14988  
Old 05-17-17, 03:20 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Watching a TV programme about animals and it's now getting me worried again. Apparently fish in cat food can kill cats Causes severe kidney damage
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  #14989  
Old 05-17-17, 04:02 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Actually I have the thought (and hope) that a mosquito with a twisted sense of humour has caused the blister in my new tattoo. Could very well be a mosquito bite.
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  #14990  
Old 05-17-17, 04:38 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Got a tattoo redone one and a half week ago. At first it seemed to heal fine, but now it seems like some kind of blister has formed and it's very itchy. I will call the tattoo shop tomorrow and hope everything is okay, but I'm worried about it.
i know you probably have done these things before since you've gotten the tattoo already, but have you been washing it gently with natural soap and water, and using A+D ointment? i gave myself a stick n poke and used that stuff and here i am a year later with no problems. i mean, i'd still get it checked out of course and i hope it goes well for you ):
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  #14991  
Old 05-17-17, 04:45 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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i know you probably have done these things before since you've gotten the tattoo already, but have you been washing it gently with natural soap and water, and using A+D ointment? i gave myself a stick n poke and used that stuff and here i am a year later with no problems. i mean, i'd still get it checked out of course and i hope it goes well for you ):
Yeah, I have been following all the tips the tattoo shop gave me. I have been tattooed three times before and never had problems. I will go to the tattoo shop tomorrow, but I hope it is something that works itself out.
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  #14992  
Old 05-17-17, 07:45 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

You know how if you look at a bright light or the sun for long enough, than turn your head...everywhere you look you see a black spot where the light was? Like it gets burnt into your eye for awhile? It eventually goes away.

I've had something like that in my left eye since yesterday after noon. I think it happened just as my dad told me that my mom had passed. I didn't think much of it till later yesterday when I noticed it'd been there all evening...thought for sure it'd go away after some sleep. But it's still here through the entire day.

I wonder if it's from stress. I can't find anything on google about it, though I'm not that horribly concerned. I'm sure it'll go away...it's just something I find kind of odd. So many things are strange today. Nothing is quite real.
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  #14993  
Old 05-17-17, 08:14 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
I think it happened just as my dad told me that my mom had passed. I didn't think much of it till later yesterday when I noticed it'd been there all evening...thought for sure it'd go away after some sleep. But it's still here through the entire day.

I wonder if it's from stress.

So many things are strange today. Nothing is quite real.
dear friend. i'm at a loss for words on much of your situation. i lost my mum rather young and it didn't affect me so. *however*, i selected the sentences above because when you add them together...i can sorta relate. not the eye thing, specifically, but to having your body freak out from grief and have the world feel like ill-fitting clothing.

after esh died i couldn't stop moving. i was constantly rocking or going running or stretching my limbs. like, ALL OF THE TIME. and i developed something keith told me are "somatic effects" of grief. my body just needed stretching and my chest was always tight like when you have a panic attack and can't take a deep enough breath or a "good" breath, you know what i mean?

i also found that a lot of my symptoms (maybe i also just discontinued all my meds, too...which i don't advise) started coming out in weird ways. i would hear his voice and see images of him in front of me and hear him singing through the walls. i hopped a plane to iceland and kinda lost my **** in a foreign country for three weeks because my husband had a mathematics conference there. i spent his birthday seeing the midnight sun.

anyway, got off on a tangent there. my point, and i do have one, is that grief can make your body freak out on you. it's like a physical upheaval.

try to be gentle and kind to yourself. keep writing. try to stay connected to the outside world and stay grounded...use all of the tricks from therapy and groups...i'm happy to share ones that i've learned.

we all process grief in different ways and i was prepared in a large sense and also prepared to be overwrought with grief. i wasn't prepared for my body to lose it along with my mind. what you describe...i don't know if it's something grief related or not...but it could be. i kinda feel like everything that happens to you for a while will be.

i can't even fathom what you're feeling or not feeling right now, but you're much loved and ...i mean, i'm a big star wars fan

warm thoughts to you. xx
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  #14994  
Old 05-17-17, 08:47 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
You know how if you look at a bright light or the sun for long enough, than turn your head...everywhere you look you see a black spot where the light was? Like it gets burnt into your eye for awhile? It eventually goes away.

I've had something like that in my left eye since yesterday after noon. I think it happened just as my dad told me that my mom had passed. I didn't think much of it till later yesterday when I noticed it'd been there all evening...thought for sure it'd go away after some sleep. But it's still here through the entire day.

I wonder if it's from stress. I can't find anything on google about it, though I'm not that horribly concerned. I'm sure it'll go away...it's just something I find kind of odd. So many things are strange today. Nothing is quite real.
It may be caused by the stress and grief of your loss. I found this and it mentions blurred vision. Hope it helps.

https://www.dukehealth.org/sites/www...d_Mourning.pdf
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  #14995  
Old 05-17-17, 09:11 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by Greyhound1 View Post
It may be caused by the stress and grief of your loss. I found this and it mentions blurred vision. Hope it helps.

https://www.dukehealth.org/sites/www...d_Mourning.pdf
Quote:
Common Grief Reactions
Feelings, thoughts and emotions
– that may feel overwhelming at times:

Restlessness
Resentment
Anger
Irritability
Mood swings
Guilt
Depression
Confusion
Hopelessness
Forgetfulness
Sense of failure
Intense dreaming
Short attention span
Decreased self-esteem
Inability to make decisions
Oh look! They copy/pasted from the ADHD symptoms list!
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  #14996  
Old 05-17-17, 09:16 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by peripatetic View Post
dear friend. i'm at a loss for words on much of your situation. i lost my mum rather young and it didn't affect me so. *however*, i selected the sentences above because when you add them together...i can sorta relate. not the eye thing, specifically, but to having your body freak out from grief and have the world feel like ill-fitting clothing.

after esh died i couldn't stop moving. i was constantly rocking or going running or stretching my limbs. like, ALL OF THE TIME. and i developed something keith told me are "somatic effects" of grief. my body just needed stretching and my chest was always tight like when you have a panic attack and can't take a deep enough breath or a "good" breath, you know what i mean?

i also found that a lot of my symptoms (maybe i also just discontinued all my meds, too...which i don't advise) started coming out in weird ways. i would hear his voice and see images of him in front of me and hear him singing through the walls. i hopped a plane to iceland and kinda lost my **** in a foreign country for three weeks because my husband had a mathematics conference there. i spent his birthday seeing the midnight sun.

anyway, got off on a tangent there. my point, and i do have one, is that grief can make your body freak out on you. it's like a physical upheaval.

try to be gentle and kind to yourself. keep writing. try to stay connected to the outside world and stay grounded...use all of the tricks from therapy and groups...i'm happy to share ones that i've learned.

we all process grief in different ways and i was prepared in a large sense and also prepared to be overwrought with grief. i wasn't prepared for my body to lose it along with my mind. what you describe...i don't know if it's something grief related or not...but it could be. i kinda feel like everything that happens to you for a while will be.

i can't even fathom what you're feeling or not feeling right now, but you're much loved and ...i mean, i'm a big star wars fan

warm thoughts to you. xx
<3's his Per-Pers.

You are so sweet, and I am SO sorry for your loss. I feel horrible knowing that I'm causing you and countless others pain, as they're reminded of the loved ones they themselves have lost over the years.

I love you guys.
We WILL get through this.
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  #14997  
Old 05-17-17, 09:30 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

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Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
<3's his Per-Pers.

You are so sweet, and I am SO sorry for your loss. I feel horrible knowing that I'm causing you and countless others pain, as they're reminded of the loved ones they themselves have lost over the years.

I love you guys.
We WILL get through this.
please don't worry that you're causing me pain. i LOVE remembering him. i think you would like him

if it helps you, please continue to share. i know i'm not alone in being grateful for your friendship and ability to hear you in your time of need.

much love. xx
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  #14998  
Old 05-17-17, 09:53 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

It bothers me that I never had a chance to get to know Esh (am grateful to be able to read many of his words) nor had a chance to sit by a fire with psych's mom (with my vegan marshmallows....lol). It comforts me to know their energy is alive and kicking in our hearts while our tears work hard at washing away the pain. Loss is so f'n hard to process. Hugs to all.
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  #14999  
Old 05-17-17, 10:10 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

thank you psychopathetic, fuzzy, and lunacie, for your replies to my post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lunacie View Post
Oh my, I felt like that so often, especially in the early years of being a parent.
The depression would get so bad I'd think my family would be better off without
me, but I couldn't bring myself to do anything that would leave my daughter a
very dark legacy.

I felt like a failure much of the time, but a couple of years ago my daughter
posted a Mother's Day message on facebook that brought me to tears. What
did I actually do right as a mother? I loved my daughter unconditionally. Even
when a friend dared her to shoplift and they got caught, there was no shaming
on my part. I supported her in choosing a diversion program so it wouldn't go
on her record.

I loved it when she brought friends home for dinner or to spend the night.
Most of them called me "mom." They still do when we hear from any of them.
I loved that too. Even when she went to a party with one friend and someone
slipped the friend a mickey. We all spent the night nursing the friend through
delerium because her own mom would have thrown a fit.

If you love your daughter and do the best you know how to do, and keep
learning so that your best gets even better, your daughter will love you
unconditionally too.

Here's what my daughter wrote: http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=185554
i just read that post. it's lovely...and inspiring

i just love her so much and yet i have the most awful, graphic intrusive thoughts that i have a hard time believing she wouldn't be better off without me in her life.

when the house is quiet at night, if i don't take my meds and knock myself out, it tortures me. and i feel like i had SUCH a great day with her sometimes that i don't want to risk having a bad one.

i've had these dreams lately where i follow through on one of my plans. and i can't dwell on it because it's like i fantasize about it. i can feel it happening because i've tried something very similar, just at a different location, before. i'm not going to do it right now. if i were i wouldn't be admitting to it on here. part of me is selfish and doesn't want to give her up. but then i think, if CPS knew the horrible ways my head thinks...surely they'd take her.

my psychiatrist assured me yesterday, again...he's a patient man...that he's a mandated reporter and he knows i'm not a danger to her. that my intrusive thoughts in this case aren't psychosis, but ocd-related. that's helps to hear....and it doesn't. i'm on six medications. SIX! and still they torment me sometimes. in the night. when it's quiet.

i wish i could get a dog. since orwell passed i have nobody to really reality check with me. my husband would do it...but i try to keep some of these nastier things to myself. i didn't tell my psychiatrist about the fantasizing. i can't stomach going back in again and i know it will pass. i just have to endure.

it sucks though. it sucks to worry that the thing i love the most i may be damaging. and it sucks to see ghastly images of her broken in various ways with me responsible.

i endure. that's what's bothering me right now. i endure this.
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Old 05-17-17, 10:11 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

Quote:
Originally Posted by psychopathetic View Post
You know how if you look at a bright light or the sun for long enough, than turn your head...everywhere you look you see a black spot where the light was? Like it gets burnt into your eye for awhile? It eventually goes away.

I've had something like that in my left eye since yesterday after noon. I think it happened just as my dad told me that my mom had passed. I didn't think much of it till later yesterday when I noticed it'd been there all evening...thought for sure it'd go away after some sleep. But it's still here through the entire day.

I wonder if it's from stress. I can't find anything on google about it, though I'm not that horribly concerned. I'm sure it'll go away...it's just something I find kind of odd. So many things are strange today. Nothing is quite real.
Sounds like an eye floater. Google those. Just one is nothing to worry about.
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