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  #1  
Old 06-21-18, 07:05 PM
saltandpepper saltandpepper is offline
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Best Friend with ADD is suddenly acting indifferent to me

Dear all,

This post might be lengthy but I really need to vent. I have read some threads here and you seem like such amazing people. I just need some advice during this confusing time

Background:

I met my friend (we are two guys, if that matters) 3 years ago in Uni and we clicked instantly. It was such an amazing feeling to find a friend like him. He has now grown to become one of my absolutely closest friends. He has had quite a rough time lately with University taking its toll and some minor health issues. A part from this bumming him out from time to time things have been normal (nomal = fantastic).

We usually hang out several times a week or othervise maintain daily contact through messages. The urge to hang out this often is not a one-way thing, rather I would say he is the one taking most initatives to meet up.

We have been there for each other through good times and bad times providing comfort and love in abundance. He will often say how much he loves our friendship and how he struck gold finding me, and I would reply the same!

Now all of a sudden, and when I mean "sudden" I mean literally by the flick of a finger, he went all cold on me. He started by replying to my texts with single words, ignoring some of my questions. Upon me asking if he wanted to hang out I would get confusing anwers like "dunno", "maybe".

After a couple of days with this behaviour I finally managed to ask him what was up (I let him know that this is confusing and wondered how I could help) and he just wrote that things are too intense now and he need some time to himself.

I let him know that I understand and asked him another question. He never replied. It has now been 1 week without contact and I decided to check in on him and ask how he was doing, he has ignored that message as well.

I love him to death and I want the best for him and one part of me is very understanding and feels good about him taking some time to focus on himself. The other part of me is so hurt, to the degree of feeling tortured. Not because he wants time for himself but because of the unexplainable and very sudden indifference to me together with this silent treatment and unwillingness to even attempt to make me understand this change of behaviour .

It is difficult to one day receive lots of love and the next day be completely ignored.

He has told me before never to forget that he loves me regarless if he feels down and is not motivated. Maybe it should provide me with some comfort but I feel like now is the time I need to hear those words

Have any of you been in a similar position as him and understand this behaviour?

Do you have any thoughts on how I can be there for him during this phase?For example if I should check in on him now and then or just leave him be?

And the final question:

Do you think I should let him know that I feel hurt by his behaviour? I feel hesitant on doing this because I do not want to shift the focus from him to me when he is having a rough time...
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  #2  
Old 06-21-18, 07:31 PM
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Re: Best Friend with ADD is suddenly acting indifferent to me

Being given the silent treatment hurts.

But the problem here is that ADD or not you have no control over anything except your reaction.

Do some research on "love bombing" followed by "discard". If any of that rings true you may have your answer - you might not like the answer.

Instead of wondering what you have done or whether they like you any more try this:

***these are not my words I saw this on another forum unrelated to adhd***

Reframe "He's not talking to me right now because he's busy"
Reframe "He's not talking to me anymore because he has an issue I'm not aware of and not responsible for"
Reframe" He's not talking to me because he's been abducted by aliens"
Reframe- insert your own here
And so on. At the end of the exercise look at every single statement including the ridiculous ones and realise that not a single one of them is any more or less true than any other because you are not a mind reader.

**** end of borrowed comments ****

The issue here is if someone says they don't want you in their life you don't get to decide that they do. No matter how much it hurts. Being ignored hurts.

People with adhd have issues with boundaries. Whatever he is doing it's in his own best interests.

As much as it hurts you should probably stand down. If he comes back and you can talk find out whether this relationship needs better boundaries.

Do some research on "love bombing" followed by discarding.
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Last edited by tudorose; 06-21-18 at 07:49 PM.. Reason: Added more in
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  #3  
Old 06-21-18, 09:24 PM
saltandpepper saltandpepper is offline
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Re: Best Friend with ADD is suddenly acting indifferent to me

Thank you so much for your answer!

I did some research on love bombing and discard and in this case I do not recognize the so called "phases" of love bombing, such as idealization and devaluation. The narcissistic traits described by the examples I read are just not there. The only thing recognizable is that this happened once before and for a period of time we had less contact only to resume the same intense friendship at a later stage.

What I do recognize from other threads is the behaviour of self isolation and I believe perhaps the lack of boundaries.

The two times this has happened it has transpired in this order:

1. Gets anxiety related to School (finals, projects etc) and at the same time has a very outgoing and social phase where he hang with friends almost every day (with me 1-2 times a week)
2. After some time he starts getting trouble sleeping, only manages to get 4-5 hours of sleep every night
3. Onset of muscle pain and such physical symptoms
4. Enters a phase of slight depression
5. Self isolation and the current phase of giving me the cold shoulder

Does it perhaps sound like this could be lack of boundaries to the point where he simply gets burned out/mentally exhausted?
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Old 06-21-18, 10:51 PM
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Re: Best Friend with ADD is suddenly acting indifferent to me

That sucks. I really feel for you, and I know what that pain feels like. In general, the best you can do is just to let him know that you'd love to have the chance to chat, but that you understand/accept if he's not in the mood. Ultimately, we can't force people to spend time with us. There could be many different reasons behind his silence, and there's no way to know for sure which one is true.

I don't think it's necessarily wrong to reach out to him again, but what do you think you can say that you haven't already said to him? If he says he wants some time to himself, maybe you should just take him at his word?
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Old 06-21-18, 11:24 PM
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Re: Best Friend with ADD is suddenly acting indifferent to me

Quote:
Originally Posted by saltandpepper View Post
I did some research on love bombing and discard and in this case I do not recognize the so called "phases" of love bombing, such as idealization and devaluation. The narcissistic traits described by the examples I read are just not there. The only thing recognizable is that this happened once before and for a period of time we had less contact only to resume the same intense friendship at a later stage.

What I do recognize from other threads is the behaviour of self isolation and I believe perhaps the lack of boundaries.

The two times this has happened it has transpired in this order:

1. Gets anxiety related to School (finals, projects etc) and at the same time has a very outgoing and social phase where he hang with friends almost every day (with me 1-2 times a week)
2. After some time he starts getting trouble sleeping, only manages to get 4-5 hours of sleep every night
3. Onset of muscle pain and such physical symptoms
4. Enters a phase of slight depression
5. Self isolation and the current phase of giving me the cold shoulder

Does it perhaps sound like this could be lack of boundaries to the point where he simply gets burned out/mentally exhausted?
I am glad to hear that you don't recognise any traits of narcissism. I got badly burned by a narcissistic friend a couple of years ago so it's something I always check for.

I do believe that it could be a boundaries issue. As someone with adhd I know I can get carried away and overstep the mark. Then I freak out about the situation I've gotton myself into and worry about the expectations of me from thereon in and stress about how I can back away and get myself out of it.

Social relationships are very hard if you have adhd. When he comes back again have a chat about boundaries and ways to help him feel safer. It could also help him avoid getting into serious harm down the track if he can learn it with a friend.
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Old 06-22-18, 06:32 AM
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Re: Best Friend with ADD is suddenly acting indifferent to me

Everyone seems to be telling you to lay back and let things happen on their own but I disagree. Yes the adhd plays into things but I do not believe discarding and ignoring a friend is one of the symptoms. He may very well have sh*t going on but a simple "i have sh*t going on" message will alleviate your worries and maintain communication. I do not see anything wrong with that. It is odd and weird and IMO mean. Why does he get to decide when the friendship is important? Why are you expected to wait and see? If you were doing this how would he act? I think a message about how this hurts you is a good thing and then let it drop. Once we make our needs known, then we have the ability to let something go. If someone chooses to ignore our needs after they hear what they are- thats on them. You have to act like you are worthy enough to be given an explanation. That you deserve communication. The rest is up to him. Friendship breakups are just as hard if not harder than romantic ones simply because we tend to allow ourselves to be completely vunerable with friends. Friends provide different support than a S/O and we take the breakups with friends a lot harder. All that trust and love being withheld hurts. I think you have the right to say what you feel but then the rest is up to him.
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Old 06-22-18, 02:26 PM
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Re: Best Friend with ADD is suddenly acting indifferent to me

Hi again and thank you all so much for all the support and feedback. I did take the step to let him know how I felt.

He had not been replying because he felt very bad about this and wanted to provide me an answer which I deserved. He apologized deeply and understood my feelings.

Everything went very well, we had a phone call and are now on good terms. Basically the issue was that things became too intense for him (contact every day etc) and he felt that it became very exhausting.

He admitted that he was guilty of initiating most contact and was himself confused why he felt like he does now.

Our type of friend relationship is new to him (to me as well!), unchartered territory, and he could not really explain why things became like this, especially since it happened once before and we resumed the same intensity.

We do have a very platonic relationship, I can see that, and we both are overanalyzers of minor things. I just think it became too much at once.

We are now looking forward to see each other in a couple of weeks, just enjoying the summer.

Every single one of you which replied to my post helped me immensely and I am forever thankful for that! As I said, you guys are amazing people, thank you for the support!
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