ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Relationships & Social Issues
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-16-03, 10:18 PM
waywardclam waywardclam is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: the depths of Lake Superior
Posts: 2,998
Thanks: 0
Thanked 39 Times in 26 Posts
waywardclam is on a distinguished road
Telepathy & the female mind

Okay, someone tell me if this is because I am ADD, she is ADD, both of us are ADD, or just because I am male and she is female?

I am SICK AND ******* TIRED of being blamed when I failed to read her mind!

(Latest) Example: we went over to a friend's tonight where I played cards with the man of the house. My wife was extremely bored. After three games, I said, "Well we probably have time for a fourth, what do you think, hon?" She said yes, so I played one last game.

As soon as we left she freaked on me! She said, couldn't you see I was bored? When you asked me I was trying to tell you dear God no anything but another card game...

Now she is furious with me!

I think she should have been assertive and said she wanted to go home.

She thinks I should have picked up on her boredom and packed up early.

Both of us are FURIOUS with each other now.

This is just the latest example... she does this all the bloody TIME!
grrrrrrr
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-17-03, 02:13 AM
tudorose's Avatar
tudorose tudorose is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Oz
Posts: 4,016
Thanks: 4,704
Thanked 4,980 Times in 2,158 Posts
tudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond repute
Re: Telepathy & the female mind

Quote:
Originally posted by waywardclam

I am SICK AND ******* TIRED of being blamed when I failed to read her mind!

I would tend to think that it's her ADD. There's this thing called "Theory of Mind" which is where the person can't comprehend that others can't read their mind and they can't understand that people might not be the same as them.

From a female perspective - tell her to communicate properly or put a sock in it.
__________________
Half human, Half alien
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-17-03, 04:42 AM
Sc@tterBr@in_UK Sc@tterBr@in_UK is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Switzerland / UK
Posts: 394
Thanks: 0
Thanked 14 Times in 9 Posts
Sc@tterBr@in_UK has disabled reputation
To my shame I must admit I'm the same. Not sure if it's an ADD thing or a woman thing but my Mum's the same as well, although from what I can tell MOST women aren't quite that extreme.

I still have to regularly remind myself when telling a story or talking about something, that the other person doesn't know what I know, doesn't know what I feel and so on... I also sometimes can't find the words to explain something, but rather than being angry with myself for being unable to talk properly, I get angry with whoever I'm talking to because they don't instantly know what I mean.

I do tend to sulk sometimes when someone doesnt' instantly know I'm upset or have had neough/want to go home, although now that I'm more aware of the fact that not everybody feels/works that way, I do try and say what I feel/want more often (It's not always easy!).


Although I HAVE heard that complaint before unrelated to ADD, simply because men TEND to be less able to read subtle signals, are less likely to notice when a woman is unhappy (i.e. even if she turns her back and doesn't speak a word all night, the bloke happily continues to have fun with his mates and is often totally surprised when she later tells him she's unhappy). That problem is even more prominent with men with AD/HD since ADDers often tend to overlook these signals.

Women are generally better at that kind of thing although obviously ADD does affect that ability in both genders, just not to the same degree. (I tend to misread rather than not notice at all, at least in some cases - other times I do totally fail to realise that someone is upset etc.)
__________________
I'm not a 'people person', I am a one person at a time kind of person

[Diagnosed HFA/AS 'with considerable attentional dysfunction in December 2003]
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 11-17-03, 10:36 AM
ferrette1976's Avatar
ferrette1976 ferrette1976 is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 279
Thanks: 0
Thanked 2 Times in 2 Posts
ferrette1976 is on a distinguished road
I usually give my hubby a tap on the foot to tell him when I am bored and want to leave. Maybe the two of you should come up with a similar system.
__________________
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons; for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-17-03, 12:42 PM
Tara's Avatar
Tara Tara is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Middleboro, MA USA
Posts: 6,363
Thanks: 23
Thanked 493 Times in 229 Posts
Tara is a name known to allTara is a name known to allTara is a name known to allTara is a name known to allTara is a name known to allTara is a name known to all
I don't know if it's totally and ADD thing or a male female thing. No you shouldn't be expected to read her mind but maybe she expected that you could have read her body language. There are a lot of people ADD, non-ADD, male, female, etc who don't read body language well either.

I think my husband is pretty good about reading my body language but I never expect him too. I think if I was in that situation depending on who the people were I would have come right out and said I wanted to leave or said I was feeling tired out something like that.

Maybe next time you go out together the two of you could come up with some sort of plan before hand.
__________________
Tara
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-17-03, 05:45 PM
waywardclam waywardclam is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: the depths of Lake Superior
Posts: 2,998
Thanks: 0
Thanked 39 Times in 26 Posts
waywardclam is on a distinguished road
Thank you for all the responses... we've hashed this out, not to either of our satisfactions, but better than we were before it happened...
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-17-03, 09:07 PM
tudorose's Avatar
tudorose tudorose is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Oz
Posts: 4,016
Thanks: 4,704
Thanked 4,980 Times in 2,158 Posts
tudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond repute
Maybe the key is to agree to communicate more that what you think you should have to - in order for the important messages to get though.
__________________
Half human, Half alien
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-18-03, 02:11 AM
waywardclam waywardclam is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: the depths of Lake Superior
Posts: 2,998
Thanks: 0
Thanked 39 Times in 26 Posts
waywardclam is on a distinguished road
The trouble is she doesn't WANT more communication, she wants me to be able to tell without her having to say anything.

My position is that this is impossible and unfair to me.

But she is a lot more reasonable about this when she isn't upset... when she is upset she tends to revert to expecting me to read her mind...
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-18-03, 02:44 AM
tudorose's Avatar
tudorose tudorose is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Oz
Posts: 4,016
Thanks: 4,704
Thanked 4,980 Times in 2,158 Posts
tudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond reputetudorose has a reputation beyond repute
Okay,

I have difficulty communicating when I get upset too so I can understand that BUT it doesn't make it fair to you.

When she's in a calm & rational state of mind, discuss the possibility of some non-verbal cue's or actual cue cards that she can use when she gets upset so that way she can communicate with you without having to talk.
__________________
Half human, Half alien
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-18-03, 09:01 AM
Wheel1975 Wheel1975 is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,777
Thanks: 0
Thanked 14 Times in 13 Posts
Wheel1975 is on a distinguished road
Re: Telepathy & the female mind

Quote:
Originally posted by waywardclam
Okay, someone tell me if this is because I am ADD, she is ADD, both of us are ADD, or just because I am male and she is female?

I am SICK AND ******* TIRED of being blamed when I failed to read her mind!

I won't say why it is.

Mind reading and the expectation of others to mind read are both no no's.

She's wrong. You are right.

So what?

How are you going to take care to conduct yourself appropriately?

What, if anything, are you going to do to try to FORCE her to realize the error of her ways? (should anyone ever FORCE anyone else? Does being right "matter?")

Careful! These are trick questions! (At least i think so!)
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 11-18-03, 07:28 PM
joanrdtobe's Avatar
joanrdtobe joanrdtobe is offline
Favorite "Aunt Joan" to Little Jessica
 

Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Florida
Posts: 3,674
Thanks: 1
Thanked 35 Times in 26 Posts
joanrdtobe will become famous soon enough
Paul: As a woman -- in my opinion -- I think what you're talking about in your wife -- is indeed a woman thing.....not an ADD thing....We want our male partners to read our minds -- as it has to do with the fact that many of us are insecure and question our mate's love for us...

In the case of you and your wife -- by supposedly knowing what's she thinking -- before she has to say anything -- well there's some unspoken validation of your love for her.....it shows her you must REALLY love her....because after all you're so intuned to her and you KNOW her so well.....

No it's not fair...nor is it a realistic expectation....but some women are like that....
__________________
Joan

"If you change the way you look at things -- the things you look at change"

Dr. Wayne Dyer (The Power of Intention)
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 11-19-03, 01:02 AM
Jellybean's Avatar
Jellybean Jellybean is offline
ADDvanced Forum Guru
 

Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: florida
Posts: 1,155
Thanks: 0
Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts
Jellybean is on a distinguished road
I think what you say is true Joan, but I feel that some men are like that too. I became a good mind guesser after 7 years with a "Clam". always walking on eggshells.
I am sorry for your troubles Waywardclam, relationships/marriages can be so frustrating. All our problem are do to our insecurities.
__________________
"Time flies like the wind,
fruit flies like a banana."
(bar bathroom wisdom)
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 11-19-03, 01:40 AM
Wheel1975 Wheel1975 is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 1,777
Thanks: 0
Thanked 14 Times in 13 Posts
Wheel1975 is on a distinguished road
Oh, and part two...

Al-anon identifies your perdicament... and suggests that when YOU are nolonger expecting to be able to read her mind, and are secure in your thought that you can't and don't need to TRY TO read her mind, that you can detach from both her expectation and her unreasonable wrath, as "her problem" lower case, no yelling, and not your job to fix. You simply say, if you must, "its not my job to read your mind, and I can't do that anyway. I love you regardless." and drop it. Without tieing yourself in a knott. Well, that is the "detach with love" idea at least... : ) good luck!
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 11-19-03, 02:53 AM
waywardclam waywardclam is offline
Banned
 

Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: the depths of Lake Superior
Posts: 2,998
Thanks: 0
Thanked 39 Times in 26 Posts
waywardclam is on a distinguished road
Thank you all for the added perspectives... they really help me keep my sanity... sometimes I know what's right, what is the best thing to do, but need someone else to say it to my face to make me realize that yes, I do know it already...
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 11-21-03, 03:44 PM
Keppig's Avatar
Keppig Keppig is offline
Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Manchester, NH
Posts: 1,309
Thanks: 0
Thanked 148 Times in 23 Posts
Keppig has disabled reputation
Oh easy answer! Women depend on what a person is feeling or appears before making a decision. Men go by their word of mouth.
Easy! Its a Men are from Mars thing. Don't you have the book?
__________________
Kassie
New Hampshire
Regional Forum Leader
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
The rest of the Chapter...if you want any more go buy it. pith30 Short Stories 3 10-27-05 12:02 PM
A Mind That's Mine Nova Chit-Chat 0 10-19-05 02:52 PM
Industrial Society Destroys Mind and Environment sushil yadav Meditation and Spirituality 5 08-26-05 09:41 PM
Flying Through My Mind Lattebon Short Stories 0 04-13-04 12:37 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:22 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums