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Old 10-12-04, 09:55 PM
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Adults with ADD - Anyone here never been married in their 30's?...

I am a 35 year old male, and really have had a hard time with relationships...I sometimes feel that I start gettting lonely and end of with the totally wrong person...I have moved in with 2 ex-girlfriends, that were both TOTALLY wrong for me(about the only thing we had was physical attration for each other)...does anyone else find it extremely difficult to find a GOOD compatiable mate??? I for some reason can never find a woman who is attractive, but ALSO a Caring, kind person! nowadays, with all the reality show BS, Ganster Rap, Violent video games, EVERYONE under 40 having multiple tatoos(MOST people are just getting them cause there in, NOT because they like them, its ridiculous)...society is pretty scary nowadays....I know I have my issues with ADD/LD and of course am not perfect....what's up????

The good thing is that I haven't been married, and don't have kids..with my job instability, no decent woman would want to be with me anyway(I for some reason still manage to get girlfrieds even with my lack of good jobs, or any job at all)..I am working on changing this, and remaining single, till I can manage some decent income and job stability...I know the day has to come fairly soon, because boy its been tough the last 3 1/2 years.
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Old 10-12-04, 11:21 PM
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Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

Hi. Then you gotta work hard to secure a decent job first. Good luck. Have faith that when it is time, someyou special will appear to you! It is also a person character, build a little on that, while your character shines out, i am sure you will attract someone kind u wanna meet! Pehaps it just takes time, so rest assured you will meet someone special... Maybe, i say maybe, attractiveness should not be considered first when you are looking for someone kind, caring. Ultimately u know which type of beauty is going to last. But it also depends which priority it is for u...maybe you can look at the character first and not judge everyone simply by appearance that even if they are attractive to u, u may not find their's characters suitable for u?

Good Luck!~
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Old 10-13-04, 12:18 PM
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well, I hear what you are saying... I get asked out by woman, and people tell me fairly often how handsome I am, etc..."you could model"...stuff like this....SO, in turn, I look for woman who are attractive. I work out and am very good shape...I think people in general look for mates that have similar traits as they do. Believe me my last girlfriend(we both decided to end the relationship 2 weeks ago) was NOT super attractive(we went out for 14 months)..she was a social worker and a GREAT person, with a wonderful personality. I overlooked the fact that she wasn't the most attactive person. I had problems with sex with her though...bascially after a while(actually even from the start) I had problems with having an orgasim...why? well, because I just didn't have much physical attraction for her...maybe I am the 'typical' guy, who cares to much about looks, I don't know....all I know is my Mother is a very attractive woman(she is 62 now, and still looks very good) she used to model back in college..anyway, my Mom is a SUPER nice, caring person, she works for the Mental Health dept where she lives and is a great mother to myself and brother...parents have been married 37 years.....I guess I just want it all....phycial attraction, nice person......oh yeah, without 2 kids and a divorce...am I asking to much at my age?? haha......


I think you can find someone you are very attracted to and ALSO find a great person who looks good on the inside as well...bascially, I have decided I will not settle. Again, my most important thing is getting MYSELF together at this point...thanks for the reply! anyone else, with thoughts????
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Old 10-13-04, 02:01 PM
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I had something to say but I'm second guessing it now.....

Wanted you to know I read your post, I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful.
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Old 10-13-04, 02:09 PM
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ahhh, all righty then, fasttalkingmom...
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Old 10-13-04, 02:36 PM
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Can your Mom introduce you to a nice girl?

Be advised...the girl will not be your mother and you will be sorely disappointed if you expect it of her.

Sounds like you're willing to improve yourself, for yourself not just other people. That's great. If ADD is affecting your job issues feel free to check out the threads in the career section here, if you haven't already done so.

You're on a good road...keep it up.
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Old 10-13-04, 02:36 PM
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Potential Mates in Today's Society

Hi Cameron,
I read your post and want to tell you not to give up on your quest for the right woman. She is out there, really. Lots of them.

From my perspective, one's attractiveness as a mate is inextricable from one's character. If a person exhibits weak character or values significantly different from mine, then that person is instantly demoted out of the potential-mate category. Trustworthiness and strong character are very attractive, and a person who has those can get progressively more attractive.

Cameron, Just out of curiosity, I'm wondering if you could explain the ways in which these things have affected you personally?: all the reality show BS, Ganster Rap, Violent video games, EVERYONE under 40 having multiple tatoos(MOST people are just getting them cause there in, NOT because they like them, its ridiculous)...society is pretty scary nowadays . . .

I wish you all the best! GirlDriver
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Old 10-13-04, 03:16 PM
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well i'm guessing all the above mentioned 'society is pretty scary nowadays' comment has something to do w/ cameron's distaste with pop culture and perhaps his peers having bought into it.
it goes w/out saying that you can find an attractive and caring woman. there are lots of those out there.
i was lucky and i met my husband when i was 17...(i'm 29 now) we've been together ever since.
i'm not conceited by any means but i've had my share of ppl interested me..including male models and all kinds of other types (which is wierd since i don't look like a 'model'..i'm attractive..but i really think its b/c of my personality)
i think its harder for someone to find a mate when they're actually looking. you should just keep yourself open for the possibility...

just so you know: there are women that exist of the type that you're looking for. i myself do not have any tattoo's , am extremely caring, and i'm very driven and passionate...
i'm also a damned cool chic. (LOL i'm really honestly not conceited guys!!)
and i know that you can find someone who doesn't have a tatoo et al...
b/c we exist.
just hang in there and work on yourself...
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Old 10-13-04, 05:15 PM
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I'm sorry you're haveing such a hard time finding companionship. I think that there is a horrible double standard in our society that it's much easier for a woman who does not have a stable career/job to find a mate that is willling to expect that because men are often labeled that "providers". It seems to be instintual for woman to seek a provider.

I personally do not find this an issue, although I have ADD and work is hard, I've been the stable source on income for me and my husband for the last 4 years. My husband is always trying to get his own business ventures to work which sometimes brings in money and sometimes does not, so I've had to keep the same job for the last four years to provide a steady reliable way to pay our bills and also to give us medical insurance. (Although recently he has been at a government job since March which pays more than my job does and all that has done has given us more money to blow more than anything.)

I never looked at this a burden because they are all business ventures I supported... anyway, my point is, I feel like I would have to do this on my own anyway, that I am independant and that although I adore my husband I don't need him to survive. I am with him because it's who I choose to spend my life with, if he didn't have a job at all, because it was physcially difficult to do so, I would still be with him. Not all woman are looking to be supported, if you have other things to offer, friendship, humor, common interests, and are generally very helpful in other areas of life, your self worth as a mate shouldn't be so heavily based upon how much bread you bring in because poeple should be able to take care of themselves to begin with, not look for someone to be with souly to improve their situation but rather to share moments and time together.

Good luck and stay positive, you'll find someone!


Quote:
Originally Posted by cameron
I am a 35 year old male, and really have had a hard time with relationships...I sometimes feel that I start gettting lonely and end of with the totally wrong person...I have moved in with 2 ex-girlfriends, that were both TOTALLY wrong for me(about the only thing we had was physical attration for each other)...does anyone else find it extremely difficult to find a GOOD compatiable mate??? I for some reason can never find a woman who is attractive, but ALSO a Caring, kind person! nowadays, with all the reality show BS, Ganster Rap, Violent video games, EVERYONE under 40 having multiple tatoos(MOST people are just getting them cause there in, NOT because they like them, its ridiculous)...society is pretty scary nowadays....I know I have my issues with ADD/LD and of course am not perfect....what's up????

The good thing is that I haven't been married, and don't have kids..with my job instability, no decent woman would want to be with me anyway(I for some reason still manage to get girlfrieds even with my lack of good jobs, or any job at all)..I am working on changing this, and remaining single, till I can manage some decent income and job stability...I know the day has to come fairly soon, because boy its been tough the last 3 1/2 years.
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Old 10-13-04, 05:41 PM
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I don't think it's wrong to want to be with someone who is attrative. It's human nature. For me sex is a very big and important part of a relationship/marriage and I know it is for my husband as well. Being physcially attracted to someone is very important to some people and I don't think that makes you a bad guy.

Sometimes it is all upsetting to me, only because like you, my husband wants it all. You have to understand how difficult that is and how much pressure that puts on woman. My husband is always commenting about how one of his friends (he is in his 30's, I am in my early 20's) wives have let themselves go, how they are fat etc.... and it upsets me because although I work out and eat right I know that ageing is evevitable and I worry that he will wake up and want to trade me in for a new one.... I don't know why I mention this, probably just to remind you of what a sensative area this is to woman. It also makes me mad because when woman have children it changes their bodies, and when my husband makes these comments I can not help but be angry because this woman has had three kids, and although she isn't in greatest shape, I usually do not agree that she looks bad considering the circumstances (age, children etc.). I don't want children and neither does my husband but that doesn't mean my body isn't subject to gravity and I'm not going to look like I'm 18 forever.

And I think it is a lot to ask for considering your age. It is the norm for people to want to reproduce, and more than not, they do. So at your age, finding a mate without children is going to be very difficult. I have a 21-year old male single friend who is very attractive and he has trouble finding woman with out kids already.

Also, it sounds like you may be what is commonly refered to as a "Mama's Boy".... sorry, I don't mean to insult you, what I mean is that if you are constantly compareing woman to your Mother, that could be a big relationship issue. These woman are not your Mother, they are their own individuals and if you choose to be in a relationship with them you should not expect or try to turn them into well... your Mom.




Quote:
Originally Posted by cameron
well, I hear what you are saying... I get asked out by woman, and people tell me fairly often how handsome I am, etc..."you could model"...stuff like this....SO, in turn, I look for woman who are attractive. I work out and am very good shape...I think people in general look for mates that have similar traits as they do. Believe me my last girlfriend(we both decided to end the relationship 2 weeks ago) was NOT super attractive(we went out for 14 months)..she was a social worker and a GREAT person, with a wonderful personality. I overlooked the fact that she wasn't the most attactive person. I had problems with sex with her though...bascially after a while(actually even from the start) I had problems with having an orgasim...why? well, because I just didn't have much physical attraction for her...maybe I am the 'typical' guy, who cares to much about looks, I don't know....all I know is my Mother is a very attractive woman(she is 62 now, and still looks very good) she used to model back in college..anyway, my Mom is a SUPER nice, caring person, she works for the Mental Health dept where she lives and is a great mother to myself and brother...parents have been married 37 years.....I guess I just want it all....phycial attraction, nice person......oh yeah, without 2 kids and a divorce...am I asking to much at my age?? haha......


I think you can find someone you are very attracted to and ALSO find a great person who looks good on the inside as well...bascially, I have decided I will not settle. Again, my most important thing is getting MYSELF together at this point...thanks for the reply! anyone else, with thoughts????
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Old 10-13-04, 08:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fasttalkingmom
I had something to say but I'm second guessing it now.....

Wanted you to know I read your post, I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful.
Paula thats not very ADD of you

Were suposed to speak first then think after

Are you getting cured

Have you found a magic pill

Grin
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Old 10-13-04, 08:21 PM
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Hello Cameron

I could relate to your post. Seems like I get a lot of attention from women, especially at work. However, I have age identification issues. i.e. I'm thirty seven, but I still get carded for everything. And stalked by the early twenty somethings in the Grocery store.

Last winter I felt on top of the world, in that I'd found someone my age, who was also single...and held a Masters Degree. She enjoyed listening to Barry Mannilow, and things that I'd moved on from with each passing decade. Seemed like she was just as annoyed by my preference for Sublime and more recent music. Long of it short, we dated for eight months, and she moved in for six weeks. Then, I kicked her out.

I haven't had job stability issues, since 1994...excepting I did get laid off two years ago. Since the layoff, I've been working as a contract consultant for IT. And nice that two previous employers thought enough of my work to rehire me.

Mostly, I wanted to say...not to look at the job instability as a deterament. The right woman could really help balance you in that area, etc. Like my younger brothers wife, has helped him shore up some of his weaknesses...and now they're strengths.

I've also had a wonderful female friend these past ten years. She's a rare find, in that she has the character of my mother and grandmothers generation. But, she also had an older mom. I think her mom was 42 when she was born, etc. My mother was also a beautiful woman, but it's her character that I admired. mmm...my female friend? She's an attractive lady, but the chemistry for anything more...simply hasn't been there. Something we've openly discussed...lol

I'd love to have a wife and some kids, etc. But starting to give up on hope.

In the average week, I go to work. I play golf with my friends. I go workout, and play a heck of alot of guitar. Simply don't have any single friends, and as with finding single women...without children. Often it's even more difficult to find single friends to do things with in our area.

I think that my biggest struggle with ADD, has been that I get really bored with romantic relationships. I love the part where there's discovery of the other individuals interest, and a lot of activity. Thing is I don't make the transition to sitting stagnant in front of the TV so well. btw...I can't stand a couch potatoe. So much so, that I might spend, maybe an hour a week on my sofa? Otherwise I'm in my office studio...playing guitar or working on something of interest.

I don't know what the answer is fella, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. Attractiveness is often in the eye of the beholder. Like I've heard a lot of guys say they think my brother's wife is super attractive. n' she is a cute girl, but I think what hooked my brother...is that she also seems to have the character of my mother's family. That's a rare find today.
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Old 10-13-04, 11:08 PM
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Wow, a LOT of replies....interesting persepctives....

Slippy, yeah, you do sound fairly similar to myself(although I watch a lOT of sports, some on TV some in person, but other than that don't watch TV really)...I also workout a lot, and play golf...anyway, where do you live? It gets harder and more frustrating the older you get to find a decent woman. I have just had some real disasters, that make me very frustrated with woman. I think sometimes I portray the "cocky" image to woman, and they just want to have sex and that's it(I think they assume I'm some sort of a player and not looking for a girlfriend)..I don't really know! The thing that I have encountered over my dating years is, that the more attractive the woman, the more screwed up she is(not that I am perfect or anything..haha)

Bunnystar, come on! you can still find attractive, single woman(without kids, or never been married) when you get in your mid 30s..that's a ridiculous statement! there are a good ammout of woman in there mid 20s who I could date without a lot of carry on items.. maybe not many in the 30s....I live in California, more and more people are single and have never been married, even at my age.... I guess I could be considered a moma's boy, to be honest, I don't care if I am....I also do look for woman with the same characteristics as my Mom has(she even likes and KNOWS about sports, like college football! she is From ALabama, so that explains that) ...don't see anything wrong with that...BUT, when I meet someone I don't compare them to her...I realize everyone is different and unique.

I love it when people say, "don't look for woman"...yeah, sure! so your just supposed to be in the supermarket one day and some hot looking woman comes up to you and asks you out! don't think so.. I have been asked out, like I pointed out earlier, but they are always by woman I don't find attractive. I actaully just got asked out by a classmate at school Monday night(in college trying to finish up the BS degree), but again, I am just not interested... .....I also do not have really any friends(never really have had many, due to my LD/ADD)....believe me I am NOT in a meeting a woman mode right now! i need to finally foucus and get myself back into the workforce and finsish up school. I have said to myself I will not be pursuing a relationship, until I have a stable job(career) for a minium of 6 months...I think medicaiton, and coaching will really get me on the right track..life as been a real rollercoaster the last 4 years or so for me.

Thanks for the replies.
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Old 10-13-04, 11:56 PM
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Well, I do watch football but only if I can't get tickets to a game. Like going to see hockey too, excepting this year it'll be the local teams vs. NHL. Drat the owner's closing the doors.

Real disasters? lol me too. Job thing has gotten easier, but I struggled for a long time. Used to change jobs every year, if not monthly. Women? uhh, I'm going to sit on my hands right now...so that my typing stays nice.

I try to look at things from the perspective, most 27 year olds are just now leaving home. So maybe there's a lot of us thirty somethings, who are the twenty somethings of yesteryear?

I'm in North Carolina right now. Lived in Florida and Texas. Just got back from L.A. Gotta say, the further west I go, the more aggressive women are...as to asking one out.
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Old 10-14-04, 12:50 PM
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Yeah, woman in LA are very aggressive... A lot of attractive woman in California, have 'attitudes'. The more attractive the worse they get(espeically 20 somethings)..I think it has a lot to do with how current society is...anyway, that's another topic, I don't want to get into.

Slippy, have you given up hope then for ever getting married and having kids?
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