Marrying an ADHD Man: Rage, Porn, Employment, Children

[jessicahawaii]

I visited this website approximately a year ago after a particularly trying time with my AD(H?)D mate. The thoughtful posts on this site made an impression on me and I found my way back here after my boyfriend had what I would describe as a rage event last night.

I have known him for five years and been seriously dating him for the last two years. Last night was the first rage/"temper tantrum" I have ever seen from him. He has said a few peculiar things to me throughout our relationship, particularly at times when our intimacy was growing, such as: "well you don't know how I am, though" or "we can't live together or you'll see what I'm really like" or once, "we should just get married, then you'll see." I always responded with amusement because I couldn't ever imagine what sort of skeleton he was thinking he was hiding from me.

Through the years he has gone through periods where he withdraws from communicating with me for a few days (we do not live together). I have now deduced that he does this to avoid exposing me to his anger. It seems to me that it comes about when something emotional will arise in our relationship (can be positive or negative) and he is unsure of how to process the change and the overwhelming emotion that he feels. He takes a few days to solve the problem in his own mind and he then returns to me as the normal loving man that I know him to be. These blank out moments in our communication were really troubling to me in the beginning, as I would think we were breaking up until he popped back up acting completely normal. Now, when he withdraws from me I am able to focus on other things instead of worrying about the state of our relationship.

In the case of this recent temper tantrum he seemed to vacillate between wanting to take some distance from me to process and feeling like he needs to be present for me (I just moved, got a new job, a new place to live, and am in an entirely new community where I only know one person aside from him). This resulted in me seeing this aspect of him that I have not been privy to before: anger that cannot be reasoned with that is directed at me, (though I feel similar to another person on this thread that his mean statements felt empty to me and held no real weight because they were so extreme).

While I have do not have advice to offer to the original author of this post, I am posting here as a thank you to all of you who have commented on this thread. I am very thankful to have re-found this website at a time when I needed positive concrete examples of constructive ways to approach this issue.

Thank you all.

Jessica

[ADDequate]

Originally Posted by Driver

Rage:
To me your description of his rage is of some concern, even though it happens only on average every 3 years. While it's normal to people to blow their top now and then, and ADD'ers more so, he's going too far.
Judgement: People will judge regardless, you can't stop it. All you can do is control how you respond.

Ignore what others think. What you think and how you feel together are more important than what others perceive.

Don't allow others to control your perceptions, remain true to yourself and your relationship.

It's your relationship, you are living and loving this man...not other people.

Originally Posted by Driver

Porn:
You might be cutting off your nose to spite your face here. The reasons men use porn are varied and complex, but I can guarantee you that he was using porn to solve a problem, and unless the problem has gone away, he'll fall back onto using the solution that works.

I would rather a partner use porn to stimulate than to look outside the marraige/partnership for stimulation with others. When you have A.D.H.D or your partner does the you have to be more creative to avoid boredom/stagnation and ruts. A.D.H.D men tend to need more stimulation than your average man as long as you both understand where each other is coming from and the reason for porn as inspiration and greater creativity rather than cheating of the mind/emotion then you should both be ok. Change your PERSPECTIVE of the problem. 90% of the problems in a relationship/marraige are not able to be fixed because we are wired differently so agree to disagree and respect each other. FOCUS on POSITIVES. FORGET your DIFFERENCES

Originally Posted by Driver

Employment:
Get medicated so he can hold down a job and be consistent.

Or have him work an "outdoor" job or something he enjoys and finds stimulating.

Originally Posted by Driver

Kids:
The most common challenge is you'll kids with ADD

A.D.H.D is hereditary. A.D.H.D kids are a handful (a lot of work...pain, sweat and tears) BUT also inspiring and you would not love them any less

[ezridax]

Originally Posted by vegasawaits

Children

We both really want one or more kids. What are some of the more common challenges that come up raising a kid with an adhd parent?

You may understand your ADHD spouse, and understand and respect his needs as an ADHD individual; but your kids won't. At least not until they're older. My DH has ADD and we have three young boys (oldest is 5) and while I love them all and wouldn't try to change things now, if I had it to do over I think I would have tried to have our kids at least five years apart for DH's sake (and so, indirectly, for mine).

It is terribly stresful for all of us, for DH to come home from work needing his downtime, but I am trying to fix dinner, and the boys all want attention from their daddy whom they have not seen all day; and DH being the family man he is, has a hard time saying "no," but saying "yes" too often for too long will eventually leave him overwhelmed and exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally. DH also works three jobs, so is gone 2-3 evenings a week, just coming home long enough to eat dinner with the family and maybe read a few books to the boys.

But I have needs, too. And three small kids is going to be overwhelming for anyone, ADHD or not. I need breaks, too. And sometimes there can be several days that go by where neither of us is getting the kind of breaks that we need and we start snapping at each other more and more, or else withdrawing from each other, and neither one is healthy for our relationship. And then, we also need to find time for each other apart from the kids...

But, we manage. And you can, too. But it's hard. Really hard. And we have to keep reminding ourselves that this phase in our lives will pass, that our boys will grow older and more self-sufficient and then we will have more time to ourselves (maybe). But in the meantime, we have to be proactive and make the time, and that can be very difficult to do for someone with ADHD who is prone to losing large chunks of time already and having no idea where all that time went. So it is mostly left to me to manage our time and I'm not always very good at it either, being a creative and spontaneous person myself.