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General Parenting Issues The purpose of this forum is to discuss general parenting issues related to children with AD/HD(ADD & ADHD)

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Old 07-04-18, 05:47 PM
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Shepherds VS Engineers, Parenting Vs Bad Parenting

This thread is meant to help learn how to promote positive development, in humans born with a AD(H)D temperament.

(This thread is not meant to blame anyone, but to promote the positive emotional environments, that promote positive emotional states, that promote healthy emotional development, in the lives of the parents and their children.

Biologically, when ever possible, our children are better with us, than without, this thread is also meant to help reduce the guilt parents feel, by promoting the different types of individual help, we all need, in our family life at home and "pastures" to promote positive development.)

Quote:
Quote:
1. Parents are Shepherds, Not Engineers
 ADHD is a disorder of brain development and functioning
 It is not a choice or the result of willful misbehavior
 ADHD is a strongly genetically influenced disorder in 65- 75% of all cases
 It is not the result of poor parenting or social learning and so it
cannot be unlearned just by changing the social environment
 ADHD cannot be trained out of the child
 Parents must accept and adapt to the child‟s ADHD
Parents must create a supportive environment (pastures) around the child with ADHD to reduce conflicts and impairments and promote the child‟s adjustment and positive psychological development as much as possible
http://www.caddac.ca/cms/CADDAC_pdf/...Principles.pdf
Although this thread topic is partly inspired by Dr. Mate's and Dr. Barkley's works', I also want to encourage a diversity of works' and insite by any other Attention Disorder specialists you prefer, in regards to the thread discussion subject, as well.

Quote:
Quote:
I have attention deficit disorder myself, and my three children have also been diagnosed with ADD.

I do not think it is a matter of bad genes and bad parenting, but I do believe it is
a matter of genes and parenting.

Neuroscience has established that the human brain is not programmed by biological heredity alone, that its circuits are shaped by what happens after the infant enters the world, and even while it is in the uterus.

The emotional states of the parents and how they live their lives have a major impact on the formation of their children's brains, though parents cannot often know or control such subtle unconscious influences.

The good news is that major changes in the circuits of the brain can occur in the child and even the adult if the conditions necessary for positive development are created.
-Gabor Mate, M.D., "Scattered", (introduction)



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Old 07-04-18, 06:09 PM
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Re: Shepherds VS Engineers, Parenting Vs Bad Parenting

This is quite a broad topic. Is there anything in particular you'd like to discuss. Is it what exactly the kind of parenting that creates a supportive environment looks like?
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Old 07-04-18, 06:30 PM
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Re: Shepherds VS Engineers, Parenting Vs Bad Parenting

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This is quite a broad topic. Is there anything in particular you'd like to discuss. Is it what exactly the kind of parenting that creates a supportive environment looks like?
Great question, thank you for the support.

I think we should start by focusing on how to create supportive emotional environments that promote positive emotional states in the lives of individual parent(s).

Thoughts?






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Old 07-04-18, 06:49 PM
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Re: Shepherds VS Engineers, Parenting Vs Bad Parenting

1. Reducing stress. I know when I've had a stressful day I struggle to connect with my daughter. I struggle to focus on her or play with her or get excited with her.

I'm not sure if that answers your question though because in a way a positive emotional state in an individual might be the absence of stress or the absence of excessive, chronic psychological stress.

2. Meaningful relationships. Adult relationships. Partly so that you don't feel alone or helpless when faced with this huge responsibility of taking care of a child and partly to keep you intellectually stimulated and connected to the world outside your parent role.

3. Time off. Time to de-stress but also time to pursue your own non child related activities. I really struggle with this because I don't do anything non fuzzling related while she's awake. Neither would she let me. At some point it's going to come back to bite me though.

4. Maintaining a sense of control or a feeling of being in control. I think there have a been a few studies that showed that in certain circumstances (when you think you can make a change for the better) a sense of control reduces the probability of depression. I know from personal experience that when I feel overrun and overwhelmed I don't function very well and my mood is the first to suffer.

5. Getting support and assistance for your problems (eg good healthcare in case your children have a medical problem.
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Old 07-04-18, 07:41 PM
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Re: Shepherds VS Engineers, Parenting Vs Bad Parenting

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post

I'm not sure if that answers your question though because in a way a positive emotional state in an individual might be the absence of stress or the absence of excessive, chronic psychological stress.
To avoid a heavy scientific discussion in the parenting section, maybe it would have been better if I wrote...

I think we should start by focusing on how to create supportive emotional environments that promote healthy emotional states in the lives of the individual parent(s).

(I think your list provides excellent reference points to the start thread discussion.)


Much appreciated!

All thoughts appreciated!





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Old 07-05-18, 04:56 AM
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Re: Shepherds VS Engineers, Parenting Vs Bad Parenting

The relationship that a child has with their parents is the most important one that a child will ever have. It is where they learn who they are and how they relate to the world around them. This is why modeling certain types of behaviors is so important. We try to model loving relationships in my house. My husband and I have always been in love desperately with each other and are very affectionate. We do not hide this from our kids because we want my son to see that being a "man" means expressing love is ok and we want my girls to see how a man is supposed to treat the woman he loves. We have always hugged and kissed our kids and said "I love you" so they can see that expressing their love for loved ones is ok and a good thing. My kids see how their Dad is with me and them, and our hope is that they will seek out equally good partners for themselves. They see how I might grab his hand somewhere or he might hug me and want them to know that expressing love isnt a weakness. We model to the best of our ability a stable, equal relationship so they know that healthy love is possible. Yes we have disagreements rarely, but we always apologize if something goes south so they understand the importance of accountability and that as parents we are flawed. I do not want them to grow up placing us on pedestals thinking we are perfect and then disappointing them when we fall from those pedestals. We want them to know they are worthy of love from anyone and that they can show their love and hopefully if they have kids they will be able to model this for them.

Love, understanding, respect, concern, empathy,compassion etc. is what we try to teach them with our own behaviors in hopes they will have a stable enough home and be confident in their own adult relationships. I hope that makes sense.
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Old 07-30-18, 06:04 PM
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Re: Shepherds VS Engineers, Parenting Vs Bad Parenting

I have been thinking about this thread discussion, and I wonder if even before we focus on how to create supportive emotional environments that promote healthy emotional states in the lives of the individual parent(s).

That each parent focuses on establishing individual self-parenting techniques to create self supporting emotional environment first.










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Old 07-31-18, 01:17 AM
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Re: Shepherds VS Engineers, Parenting Vs Bad Parenting

Parents should be able to spend a little time with their kids to better understand them
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Old 07-31-18, 04:37 AM
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Re: Shepherds VS Engineers, Parenting Vs Bad Parenting

I think one of the most important things a parent can do is to NOT shame or humiliate their kids.
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