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Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

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  #1  
Old 12-25-17, 03:07 AM
osum79 osum79 is offline
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Advice needed for brand new add/non add relationship

Hi all
I started dating a lovely adhder two weeks ago and I really need your advice.

Firstly let me explain i relate to a lot of adhd symptoms but im not diagnosed so for the moment im classifying myself as the non adhd half of the relationship. BUT until the last few years my life was characterised by themes of being scatterbrained , breaking promises due to forgettig i made them etc etc. In fact part of the reason im not feeling symptomatic right now is prob because ive been on holiday /not working while caring for my elderly parents for the past 8 months! Im still forgetful but its nothing compared to what i used to be like.
Anyway my point is - i can understand the chaos of the adhd brain!

The advice i need is this:
My man and i had 5 intense fantastic days (i was his hyperfocus and loved it)
He then went away for work, had a massive work crisis (he is a general supervisor and has to write all thr h&s reports etc)
Upon return 3 days later he saw me twice in between cancellations because he couldnt judge how long the report writing would take. Then he got hiy with a massive crippling migraine. He wouldnt let me come and support him, to bring him food or ice packs for his head. I was/ am so worried bevause he is staying in a hostel because he had to move out (just before the migraine hit) due to dramas with his landlord. He wont tell me where he is staying. I guess he can tell i would try to visit him.
After 3 days of migraine he went to a buddist temple. He has been there for three days but wont tell me where it is.
He has sent me one message every day from the temple saying he should be finished later that day and he really wants to see me.

I feel so bad when he never calls later in the day. I can see he is offline so i believe he really is at the temple. But gosh it hurts to have gone from so intense to so little contact so fast.

It is bringing up issues from the past (my ex neglected me and used the silent treatment to cope with emotions he couldnt express as did my mother) but i keep remindi myself this is completely different. This guy really likes me. I havent known him long enough for anything to be my fault.
He must really be in agony with that migraine. He said to me he is worried because he once had a migraine this bad for a month. Im trying to be patient and not have terrible imaginations that he is leading me on or secretly back with his ex (who he left 6 months ago).

What do you think?
I thibk i should hang in there and be there for him when this migraine eventually hopefully passes.
Ive read heaps about adhd since he told me he has it (he was diagnosed and medicated from age 7 but doesnt take adhd meds now as an adult) and i can see it will be a challenging relationship but i am up for it.
If he loves me i can handle it.
My problem with my ex was that his neglect and silent treatment was done in anger and that made me feel very unloved.
Do you think i should hang in there?

It is such a short relationship - that why i need some reassurance - it just feels like he could forget about me so easily after we only had one good week together.

What do you think?

Thank you !!
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Old 12-25-17, 03:18 AM
osum79 osum79 is offline
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Advice needed for new adhd /non adhd relationship!

Hi all!

I met an adhder two weeks ago.
First week was amazing - he hyperfocussed on me and i (think i either have cyclothymia or mild adhd) loved it! I love the intensity!
But in the second week he had work crisis, big reports to write, had to move out of his flat (is now living in a hostel) and then got a massive migraine and had to go to hospital and then went to a buddiat temple which is where he is now trying to quiet his mind and get rid of the migraine.

I get a message eah day saying he should finish that afternoon at the temple and he really wants to see me.

I believe him most of the time but i have these awful insecure moments where i think - your a fool , hes taking you for a ride, he is probably in a relationship, gine back to his ex etc.

He wouldnt/ wont give me the name of the hostel where he was staying or the temple he is at currently.

I feel like hanging in there - giving him the benefit of the doubt. But i dont want to be taken advantage of either.

After 3 days of knowing eachither we said we didnt want to see other people. I still dont. I really like him - so much! Everyone else bores me- i think its his adhd spark that draws me to him. I have a similar kind of spark for him. We both talk fast and interrupt eachother. I love it.

What should i do?
The waiting is gruelling!
Im trying to gill my time up but not much to do except learn new songs on my uke. No people around. Its the holidays. Not much to do at the beach by myself.

Please advise!
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Old 12-25-17, 06:56 AM
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Re: Advice needed for brand new add/non add relationship

Quote:
Originally Posted by osum79 View Post
After 3 days of migraine he went to a buddist temple. He has been there for three days but wont tell me where it is.
He has sent me one message every day from the temple saying he should be finished later that day and he really wants to see me.
I dont know whats going on but not telling you where he is is odd. I dont believe it has anything to do with migraines so I dont think he is being honest with you.
Quote:
I feel so bad when he never calls later in the day. I can see he is offline so i believe he really is at the temple. But gosh it hurts to have gone from so intense to so little contact so fast.
I dont understand the temple thing tbh.

Quote:
is bringing up issues from the past (my ex neglected me and used the silent treatment to cope with emotions he couldnt express as did my mother) but i keep remindi myself this is completely different. This guy really likes me. I havent known him long enough for anything to be my fault.
He must really be in agony with that migraine. He said to me he is worried because he once had a migraine this bad for a month. Im trying to be patient and not have terrible imaginations that he is leading me on or secretly back with his ex (who he left 6 months ago).
Wait a sec.... hes 6 months from the ex and now you cant see or find him? And he is prepping you in advance with the month long migraine story? Red flags there. Think about it, why not tell you where he is? Would you bring him pain if you saw him ? Does he think you are a stalker? I think he is worried about being found.


Quote:
What do you think?
I think i should hang in there and be there for him when this migraine eventually hopefully passes.
Ive read heaps about adhd since he told me he has it (he was diagnosed and medicated from age 7 but doesnt take adhd meds now as an adult) and i can see it will be a challenging relationship but i am up for it.
If he loves me i can handle it.
The fact that he is no longer on meds is suspect too. Why not? Is his add so much better that he doesnt need them? It sounds to me like he is choosing to not take meds and I dont know why.

Quote:
My problem with my ex was that his neglect and silent treatment was done in anger and that made me feel very unloved.
Do you think i should hang in there?

It is such a short relationship - that why i need some reassurance - it just feels like he could forget about me so easily after we only had one good week together.

What do you think?

Thank you !!
I think repeating situations that started when you first understood negect(your mom) and then continuing to repeat them as an adult (your ex, this guy)means you havent gotten clean with the neglect and trauma of those old relationships. You will continue to seek and attract the same pattern of relationships if you do not learn to cope with the past and not let it affect the present. I think he doesnt feel as instense as you do and doesnt want to tell you.Almost like hes keeping you in the wait and see pile. IS that fair?To be the wait and see woman? I think you deserve someone who wants to see you and tells you where they live. adhd doesnt cause us to act this way-but lying does.
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Old 12-25-17, 07:08 AM
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Re: Advice needed for brand new add/non add relationship

This is purely a relationship thing and not related to ADHD at all. ADHD might make you terrible at being on time, but it won't make you ignore someone you're head over heels with for a full week. It won't make you forget to call when you promise to do so for a full week either, even less so while at a Buddhist temple where there aren't much in the way of distractions.

I'm really sorry to have to be the one to say this, but he's just stringing you along and hoping that you get the point and move on. It's totally spineless, but to be honest, from your post it seems like the news wouldn't go over too well. He's probably afraid of how much it will hurt you. You really should not be obsessing over him or trying to find out where he is so you can go there (that's creepy, imagine if the roles were reversed) if he obviously doesn't want you around.

You should have just left him in the past after his first failure to call or at least considered it a huge red flag, something he really would have to make up for if he's serious. After his second failure to live up to his promises, in only a week, there's no making up for it anymore.

Again, I'm really sorry to have to be so harsh, I'm trying my best to soften the blow, but you seem to have some serious codependency issues. No matter what, after a week you should not be obsessing over someone as if you had been married for 10 years. It's one thing if they start popping into your mind a lot, that tends to happen when we really fall for someone, but it's a whole 'nother thing when you have actual trouble moving on after such a short time.

Let him go and never again accept this kind of treatment from anyone, you deserve better.

Edit: Sarah posted while I was writing this and I think she's spot on with the reason behind the repeating situations!
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