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  #1  
Old 02-17-17, 07:12 AM
icantbelive93 icantbelive93 is offline
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Rant on my parents..

I have to get this off my chest...so my dad has never been diagnosed but my mom and i'm pretty sure he has ADHD (I have diagnosed ADD). My dad is 76 and my moms 63. My mom still works full-time but my dad is retired and has beginning stages of alzheimers. The thing is he keeps losing stuff and getting confused on stuff. He still uses a laptop and has an iphone but constantly has problems with it (like losing passwords or opening 10 different accounts for whatever reason and then getting them mixed up,etc.). Also, it's sad that I know this much but he has some sort of porn addiction or something and has also cheated on my mom in the past. It's made my parents marriage a lot worse.

However, my mom, being the loyal yet naive person she is never puts her foot down. They have had so many problems with credit cards and her having to clean up "messes" my dad has made online. If I was her i'd tell him he can't use the laptop anymore and can't have a smartphone (which she did for a while but because my dad is so obbsessive and a difficult person she always caves and lets him do what he wants). This has been going on for years. She gets mad at him cause like I said he is constantly making a mess and mixing things up or losing them online or for accounts (a lot of porn accounts that he has lost my mom's hard earned money on). Does she ever put her *****ing foot down? No!

It drives me *****ing insane. I love my mom and we have a really good relationship but sometimes I just wonna scream at her for how dumb she is and I guess weak or something. She works full-time and has to look out for my dad. She is extremely stressed. But she always down-plays everything. I had to push her for a long time to get my dad to a doctor to see if he has alzheimers or something. It was so obvious but for a long time she would say stuff like " oh he is just old". Um, no he is isn't just old. And guess what, I was right. The doctors said he has alzheimers. Grrrr if anyone took the time to read all that thanks.. sorry for the rambling. I'm sooo ******* mad.

Last edited by midnightstar; 02-17-17 at 11:17 AM.. Reason: paragraph breaks, fixing swear word filter
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  #2  
Old 02-17-17, 03:15 PM
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Re: Rant on my parents..

Watching your parents go through that has to be frustrating and painful - especially when you can so clearly see a better way.

But keep in mind that your mother sees things differently than you do - she judges by some of the same criteria, but some different ones too. She might be wrong, but she might have a valid point about something too.
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Old 02-17-17, 04:10 PM
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Re: Rant on my parents..

Quote:
Originally Posted by icantbelive93 View Post
I have to get this off my chest...so my dad has never been diagnosed but my mom and i'm pretty sure he has ADHD (I have diagnosed ADD). My dad is 76 and my moms 63. My mom still works full-time but my dad is retired and has beginning stages of alzheimers. The thing is he keeps losing stuff and getting confused on stuff. He still uses a laptop and has an iphone but constantly has problems with it (like losing passwords or opening 10 different accounts for whatever reason and then getting them mixed up,etc.). Also, it's sad that I know this much but he has some sort of porn addiction or something and has also cheated on my mom in the past. It's made my parents marriage a lot worse.
That is hard but-and I mean no disrespect here- its not your business. Its not your business what he looks at and who he talks to. Its your mom's business. Yes it hurts you, but you are not a spouse and there are so many layers to marriage- and the kids usually cant understand those layers.


Quote:
However, my mom, being the loyal yet naive person she is never puts her foot down. They have had so many problems with credit cards and her having to clean up "messes" my dad has made online. If I was her i'd tell him he can't use the laptop anymore and can't have a smartphone (which she did for a while but because my dad is so obbsessive and a difficult person she always caves and lets him do what he wants).
Yes, your mom needs to be clear about what she wants-taking away his stuff especially if he is unwilling isnt going to solve the behavior. Just because there is no phone or laptop doesnt mean the behavior will go away. It will just manifest somewhere else.
She also risks putting herself in that dangerous "mother like" territory.. and no matter what the reasons, its not a good dynamic.


Quote:
This has been going on for years. She gets mad at him cause like I said he is constantly making a mess and mixing things up or losing them online or for accounts (a lot of porn accounts that he has lost my mom's hard earned money on). Does she ever put her *****ing foot down? No!
But its STILL not your business.

Quote:
It drives me *****ing insane. I love my mom and we have a really good relationship but sometimes I just wonna scream at her for how dumb she is and I guess weak or something.
How do you know she is weak? How can you assume that? I think it shows strength to stick it out and at the least devotion, or trying to turn lemons into lemonade.

Quote:
She works full-time and has to look out for my dad. She is extremely stressed. But she always down-plays everything. I had to push her for a long time to get my dad to a doctor to see if he has alzheimers or something. It was so obvious but for a long time she would say stuff like " oh he is just old". Um, no he is isn't just old. And guess what, I was right. The doctors said he has alzheimers. Grrrr if anyone took the time to read all that thanks.. sorry for the rambling. I'm sooo ******* mad.
I cant even imagine how hard it must be for you and her. And it must feel good that you were persistant enough to get him help.
We all have needs, and in order to stay in any kind of mutual relationship whatsoever- people have to get something out of it. You may not see, understand or approve what shes getting out of it, but its not your call,sad as it is.
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Old 02-17-17, 05:34 PM
kilted_scotsman kilted_scotsman is offline
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Re: Rant on my parents..

What you are describing is a situation that will get much much worse.... ADHD is nothing compared to the dementia

I've been through the Alzheimer parent thing..... if your father has a diagnosis of Alzheimers, you, your mother and the rest of your family need to sit down and begin to work out what structure you're going to put in place to look after him as the condition worsens.

A significant part of this will be developing "boundaries" so your father develops a routine that can survive Alzheimers. It may be your mum doesn't want to think about what Alzheimers might mean.... but that is not a good strategy.

With Alzheimers, routine and making sure you shore up your finances are important. It's also important to put in place a routine that will allow the main carer(s) to get a break regularly....once the disease really kicks in it's very difficult to change the routine or bring in new people to help.....

Alzheimers is REALLY brutal, not just for the person with Alzheimers.... the carers also have a gruelling time. UK research indicates that family dementia carers have reduced lifespans and spouses of dementia suffers often die before their dementia partners, worn out by the process of caring.

The way forward could be to "take charge" sit your mum down and begin to discuss what dementia might mean and how to put in place a care regime. Look at your finances, the design of the house, the availability of support through friends, charities, church groups etc.

It's also important to "get inside his head" there's a book called "Contented Dementia" which describes the Alzheimer thought process and how you have to understand where they are..... the bonkers things a person with Alzheimers does makes perfect sense to them..... so if you know where they're at you can use that to guide them.

The worst thing for Alzheimers/Dementia is stress so taking away things like running money etc can actually help......but it takes time and standing your ground.

Best wishes

kilted
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Old 02-17-17, 08:53 PM
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Re: Rant on my parents..

I'm another son of a Alzheimer's patient. Like Kilted said, Alzheimer's is brutal on the whole family but especially for the primary caregiver. By the way, your father doesn't have ADHD, it's the Alzheimer's taking over his mind that makes him the way he is -- except for the porn addiction, that's not related to Alzheimer's.

Alzheimer's is a horrible, just terrible disease which can drag on for years and years before the patient finally passes away from it like my father did -- he was almost 90. Instead of being mad at your mom and adding to her frustrations and despair, give her all the support you can possibly give to her. It's obvious that she loves your father very much. Don't be mad at her, help her and bear her up because she's going to need it as the disease progresses and gets much worse in your father. Let her know you are there for her. It wouldn't be a bad idea to do the same for your father. Your mom is going to need your help. Plan on that now and commit yourself to it. She can't do this alone. She'll need someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. Be Patient with her and understanding.
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Old 02-18-17, 04:46 PM
icantbelive93 icantbelive93 is offline
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Re: Rant on my parents..

Thanks guys. I've calmed down a lot since I wrote the post. I'm just really worried about my mom. And I actually don't think she is weak, she is very strong and I look up to her a lot. She is a great woman. She also is not dumb at all. I was just very frustrated yesterday cause it all seems so hopeless. My mom won't help herself or do anything to relieve herself of some her stress. I'm pretty sure she is either very close or in the middle of a burnout. She has a lot of the symptoms. She even has talked about suicide. I don't think she meant it but it still worries me so much. I don't know what to do. I've tried encouraging her to see a therapist. I feel like either she doesn't want to or doesn't have the energy to seek out help. She is extremely stressed. I try helping out as much I can and I was wrong about saying she is weak..I sometimes have a hard time understanding why she won't get help, but when I really think about it I can understand. I don't want my mom to end up with a heart attack or worse cause she didn't seek help. It's not like I can force her to get help. I'm so scared for what is to come. My dad isn't a mean guy, he has a gentle heart but he can be very difficult. He doesn't mean to be but he is a huge HUGE stress on my mom. Plus she works full-time. Also, I said we think he has ADHD because he has a always, even before the alzheimers, had a lot of the ADHD symptoms. He just never got diagnosed. Onbviously what is happening now is the alzheimers not ADHD.
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Old 02-18-17, 05:12 PM
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Re: Rant on my parents..

I'm so sorry you and you are family are in such a difficult situation. Alzheimer's puts a huge strain on everyone.

Regarding your parents relationship I think I can relate a bit. My parents' relationship is very one sided too with my dad dominating and sometimes almost bullying my mom.

It's very difficult to watch. And it's painful. I tell myself it's none of my business like sarah said but it still hurts.

Anyway I think you need to respect your mom's decision. If she doesn't want to change the situation there's nothing that you can or should do.

I try to appreciate my dad's good sides. Like yours he's not a bad person. Just a bad husband.

Your mom seems to need more support. You sound very supportive so that's great but I'm wondering if counseling or something may help
Maybe she is depressed.

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Old 02-18-17, 08:20 PM
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Re: Rant on my parents..

Does your mother know any friends and acquaintances of hers who are going through something like she is? She may understand them better than she understands you. I mean, if a therapist is not in the cards, see if you can convince her to get in touch with those friends.
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Old 02-19-17, 08:56 AM
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Re: Rant on my parents..

Quote:
Originally Posted by dvdnvwls View Post
Does your mother know any friends and acquaintances of hers who are going through something like she is? She may understand them better than she understands you. I mean, if a therapist is not in the cards, see if you can convince her to get in touch with those friends.
Not that I can think of.
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Old 02-23-17, 08:53 PM
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Re: Rant on my parents..

I tell my off sick of hearing her say no to grand kids never this world is horrible when family says no never hang with friends more see family is how I do
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