ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community  

Go Back   ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community > ADULTS AND ADD/ADHD > Relationships & Social Issues
Register Blogs FAQ Chat Members List Calendar Donate Gallery Arcade Mark Forums Read

Relationships & Social Issues This forum is for adults with AD/HD to discuss how AD/HD affects personal relationships.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-29-10, 03:26 PM
greenmonkey greenmonkey is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: San Francisco Bay Area, CA
Posts: 58
Thanks: 22
Thanked 41 Times in 22 Posts
greenmonkey will become famous soon enough
ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

My background: I'm 27. I was diagnosed "likely AD/HD" by my general doc last Friday and prescribed Wellbutrin, an anti-depressant also used for AD/HD. I have read a lot in the past week about AD/HD and the more I read the more I can relate to it. I am seeking a second opinion from a psychologist or psychiatrist.

While doing some personal analyzing of my past experiences, I came to a curiosity. I'm not sure if this is the correct place for it, but here goes...

As the title states, can AD/HD and cheating be related? When I was 18 I cheated on my girlfriend with my ex. It turned into an ongoing sexual relationship behind her back. Inevitably she eventually found out. We got together again, I cheated again. It was a pretty vicious cycle, but one that I have only ever experienced with her.

Now, perhaps a disclaimer before this discussion gets going too far, that I am not seeking to justify any of my past actions. This is simply a thought experiment to discuss whether or not the existence of AD/HD could have encouraged me to make the poor decisions I did.

So, the girlfriend I cheated on, I loved. I know there are plenty of people who might refute that, based on limited knowledge of my actions, but it is what it is. I was in a bit of a self-destructive spiral with my cheating, grasping for some newness and excitement, and finding it in the wrong place. With the first go-around there was a lot of guilt involved, at least later on, but that didn't stop me. We would get together, I would be enthralled by what was happening, and immediately afterward mentally skold myself for what I had done.

I don't have any serious opinions one way or the other, but just some curious questions. Does AD/HD ever result in self-destructive behavior? Can cheating be encouraged by AD/HD?

I hold a personal philosophy that I wouldn't change anything in my past if given the opportunity, because I have learned and developed into the person I am today based on everything I have ever done, right or wrong. It is thought-provoking, however, to wonder if I would have behaved differently if diagnosed as a child with AD/HD and medicated for it.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-29-10, 04:04 PM
RedHairedWitch's Avatar
RedHairedWitch RedHairedWitch is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Wandering the wilds of Canada
Posts: 4,064
Blog Entries: 43
Thanks: 6,581
Thanked 8,493 Times in 2,827 Posts
RedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond reputeRedHairedWitch has a reputation beyond repute
Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

Plenty of people with ADHD don't cheat. ADHDers don't cheat, selfish a**holes do.
__________________
The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don't like can be overwhelming. And the longer it takes to feel different, the more it starts to seem like everything might actually be hopeless bull. ~ Hyperbole and a Half
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to RedHairedWitch For This Useful Post:
ADHDTigger (06-30-10), Michiko74 (06-30-10)
  #3  
Old 06-29-10, 04:11 PM
spaceyKP spaceyKP is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 48
Thanks: 13
Thanked 51 Times in 20 Posts
spaceyKP has a spectacular aura aboutspaceyKP has a spectacular aura about
Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

I don't think there's much a correlation between ADHD and cheating. Generally if you are hyperactive-impulsive it is normal to say/do things without realizing or understanding what the consequences would be. However, as an adult who's mature enough to be in a relationship, you would be well aware of the consequences of cheating to the point that your ADHD would not cause you to choose to cheat.
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
  #4  
Old 06-29-10, 04:13 PM
scout86's Avatar
scout86 scout86 is offline
Newbie
 

Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Asheville, NC
Posts: 2
Thanks: 0
Thanked 3 Times in 2 Posts
scout86 is on a distinguished road
Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

I think you brought up an interesting point, and here's why.

Impulsiveness and ADHD go hand and hand, thus making the chances of cheating increase.

I can only speak from my experience, but I make many mistakes which, if i had just taken the time to think them through, would never have happened.

In the realm of relationships, it can be hard having ADHD and loving someone because its hard to concentrate on them when so many other things are going on in your head.

Knowing how impulsive I can be, that lack of rationality lends itself to a valid explanation as to why I've ended up going out with other girls and been confused as to how it led to an attraction.

I, too, must make myself very clear so that no one gets the wrong idea:

I AM NOT USING ADHD AS AN EXCUSE.

I just think there is a valid point in saying that ADHD may put the odds against you in this case.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to scout86 For This Useful Post:
greenmonkey (06-29-10)
  #5  
Old 06-29-10, 04:24 PM
Imnapl's Avatar
Imnapl Imnapl is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 8,848
Blog Entries: 2
Thanks: 13,417
Thanked 3,792 Times in 1,934 Posts
Imnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond repute
Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

Quote:
Originally Posted by greenmonkey View Post
to wonder if I would have behaved differently if diagnosed as a child with AD/HD and medicated for it.
Most definitely yes. Many adult ADHDers are in therapy or being treated for comorbid issues /disorders because of a lifetime of undiagnosed and untreated ADHD.
__________________
Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden.

Phaedrus


Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-29-10, 04:26 PM
sPacie~Gracie's Avatar
sPacie~Gracie sPacie~Gracie is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 42
Blog Entries: 1
Thanks: 12
Thanked 17 Times in 9 Posts
sPacie~Gracie is on a distinguished road
Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

Read this book "Is it me or ADHD" such a great book for adders and non adders recomend!
__________________
sPacie~G
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to sPacie~Gracie For This Useful Post:
Imnapl (06-30-10)
  #7  
Old 06-29-10, 06:03 PM
salleh's Avatar
salleh salleh is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Emeryville, Ca/St. Joseph, Mi
Posts: 4,841
Thanks: 9,786
Thanked 8,348 Times in 3,313 Posts
salleh has a reputation beyond reputesalleh has a reputation beyond reputesalleh has a reputation beyond reputesalleh has a reputation beyond reputesalleh has a reputation beyond reputesalleh has a reputation beyond reputesalleh has a reputation beyond reputesalleh has a reputation beyond reputesalleh has a reputation beyond reputesalleh has a reputation beyond reputesalleh has a reputation beyond repute
Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

are you speaking of the book, "Is it you, me, or Adult ADD ?" and it's about relationships ? I couldn't find any book by the title you mentioned......
__________________
What a long strange trip it's been.........

....This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic lane"
Terry Pratchett

....If you're going through hell, ......keep going.....
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to salleh For This Useful Post:
Imnapl (06-30-10)
  #8  
Old 06-29-10, 07:59 PM
greenmonkey greenmonkey is offline
Member
 

Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: San Francisco Bay Area, CA
Posts: 58
Thanks: 22
Thanked 41 Times in 22 Posts
greenmonkey will become famous soon enough
Thumbs down Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch View Post
Plenty of people with ADHD don't cheat. ADHDers don't cheat, selfish a**holes do.
Nice. Way to add constructively to the conversation.

While I would like to respect your feelings, I would also like to point out that I wasn't implying "ADHDers are cheaters" or anything like that. I only wanted to discuss the possibility of increased likelihood of someone cheating (perhaps someone already prone to it) if they have AD/HD.

I AM NOT implying that any ol' person with AD/HD is more likely to cheat on their partner than someone else. I just wonder if I would have acted differently in the situations I was in as a teenager if I had been previously diagnosed and treated for my AD/HD.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-29-10, 09:52 PM
mADD mike mADD mike is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: I've moved back...apparently
Posts: 2,331
Blog Entries: 1
Thanks: 1,948
Thanked 3,349 Times in 1,288 Posts
mADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond reputemADD mike has a reputation beyond repute
Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

While I could see an ADDer with impulse control issues cheating once if the situation just hit them just right, to do so over and over again with the same person or different person wouldn't really be impulsive, but moreso premeditated. That speaks more to character than an impulsive mistake. Also, what a person does after cheating might reveal even more about them. Are they a stand up person that will admit what they've done, accept the consequences, and work hard toward reconciliation? Or do they have to get caught in order to come clean?

In the end, ADD can give us problems with impulsivity, but lots of people cheat because they frankly just want to, are selfish, have a lack of morals, put themselves in bad situations without proper boundaries, etc.
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to mADD mike For This Useful Post:
βĩο₱Ħعℓĩ (06-30-10), greenmonkey (06-30-10), Hearty Soul (06-29-10), RedHairedWitch (06-29-10), sarek (06-30-10), Sirrah (06-30-10)
  #10  
Old 06-29-10, 11:33 PM
Driver's Avatar
Driver Driver is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,958
Thanks: 158
Thanked 1,779 Times in 1,010 Posts
Driver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond reputeDriver has a reputation beyond repute
Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

Quote:
Originally Posted by RedHairedWitch View Post
Plenty of people with ADHD don't cheat. ADHDers don't cheat, selfish a**holes do.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

I'm not sure of any studies, but I'd bet my left nut that there's a strong correlation between people who cheat in relationships suffering from ADHD.

It's well-known that ADD'ers can have relationship problems, and ADD'ers are well-known for being impulsive and having strong desires for stimulating activities. What more ingredients do you need to seed cheating?
__________________
I'm on a horse.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 06-30-10, 12:29 AM
Imnapl's Avatar
Imnapl Imnapl is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 8,848
Blog Entries: 2
Thanks: 13,417
Thanked 3,792 Times in 1,934 Posts
Imnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond reputeImnapl has a reputation beyond repute
Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Driver View Post
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

I'm not sure of any studies, but I'd bet my left nut that there's a strong correlation between people who cheat in relationships suffering from ADHD.
Wow, risking gonads to prove a point; must be a guy thing.
__________________
Things are not always what they seem; the first appearance deceives many; the intelligence of a few perceives what has been carefully hidden.

Phaedrus


Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Imnapl For This Useful Post:
20thcenturyfox (05-11-19)
  #12  
Old 06-30-10, 12:35 AM
ADHDTigger's Avatar
ADHDTigger ADHDTigger is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 7,024
Thanks: 27,689
Thanked 13,644 Times in 5,041 Posts
ADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond reputeADHDTigger has a reputation beyond repute
Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

No value judgment.

I was diagnosed with Minimal Brain Dysfunction (aka ADHD) as a child. I am primarily hyper/impulsive. I was medicated off and on until puberty. After that time, ADHD no longer existed. Or at least according to the brightest minds.

I have been married twice. I did not find it necessary to cheat on my husbands, I am currently in a monogamous relationship of six years or so with my partner. I have not, nor could conceive of, sleeping with another man.

My partner has terminal cancer. I cannot conceive of being with anyone else ever.

I still have ADHD.

If one cheats, that is on his/her own. ADHD doesn't cause infidelity. It causes disruption to executive function.

Why you cheated on that relationship is deeper than ADHD and truthfully, has little to do with ADHD.

Just my two cents.
__________________
One day we will come to know the truth. This has been a test. Only a test.
If it were your real life, you would have gotten better instructions.


Never forget. "Normal" is just a setting on the washing machine.
Do you really want to be a setting on the washing machine?
If you do, wouldn't you rather be the spin cycle?
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to ADHDTigger For This Useful Post:
aeon (05-11-19), greenmonkey (06-30-10), Imnapl (06-30-10), meadd823 (07-01-10), RedHairedWitch (06-30-10)
  #13  
Old 06-30-10, 03:14 AM
ginniebean's Avatar
ginniebean ginniebean is offline
ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate
 

Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 11,786
Blog Entries: 27
Thanks: 22,964
Thanked 21,937 Times in 7,993 Posts
ginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond reputeginniebean has a reputation beyond repute
Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

The statistics on cheating aren't good. Something like upwards of 70% of people cheat on their partner. Clearly it's not an adhd thing.


People can have adhd and be ********.

The problem with questions of this nature is that these are issues of morality not biology (although I have heard the stuff about men must spread their seed around tripe I don't find it particularly compelling.. unless you want to accept that women will see you as a wallet .. it's just part of our biology mind you if you see relationships in this way you got bigger problems)


People associate the symptoms of adhd with moral questionability and that is really unfortunate.

I too have a lot of hyperactivity and impulsivity (along with the inattentive symptoms too) I too am a loyal and faithful partner and I couldn't see myself being able to cheat without getting caught. Not that I would want to.

Far too often people take an observation, add a little of this and look for a bit more evidence here and cobble together some idea or other that they think makes sense and more often than not it just doesn't equate to the reality.

Do people with adhd cheat more? Not likely tho I admit that the 'seeds' are there. Would they get caught more often? oh probably not being good at covering your tracks isn't all that unlikely.


Impulsivity isn't a good explanation for cheating..that's stretching it. (unless it's one of those.. "it just happened and what on earth did I just do!!!" one off sorta deals.


What is more likely is being seen as attractive is highly rewarding, highly stimulating, for men often the 'chase' is such an ego reward that some will even become addicted to that phase and set themselves on repeat.

Low self esteem may be more of a factor than impulsivity. Getting a quick ego boost could be pretty seductive.. tho destructive in the long run.
Reply With Quote
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to ginniebean For This Useful Post:
ADHDTigger (06-30-10), emma13 (06-30-10), greenmonkey (06-30-10), Imnapl (06-30-10), Michiko74 (06-30-10), RedHairedWitch (06-30-10)
  #14  
Old 06-30-10, 03:30 AM
Sirrah's Avatar
Sirrah Sirrah is offline
ADDvanced Member
 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Essex, UK
Posts: 241
Thanks: 120
Thanked 425 Times in 139 Posts
Sirrah is a name known to allSirrah is a name known to allSirrah is a name known to allSirrah is a name known to allSirrah is a name known to allSirrah is a name known to all
Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mADD mike View Post
While I could see an ADDer with impulse control issues cheating once if the situation just hit them just right, to do so over and over again with the same person or different person wouldn't really be impulsive, but moreso premeditated. That speaks more to character than an impulsive mistake. Also, what a person does after cheating might reveal even more about them. Are they a stand up person that will admit what they've done, accept the consequences, and work hard toward reconciliation? Or do they have to get caught in order to come clean?

In the end, ADD can give us problems with impulsivity, but lots of people cheat because they frankly just want to, are selfish, have a lack of morals, put themselves in bad situations without proper boundaries, etc.
Coming from someone that has done the same thing - cheated on a partner multiple times. I very much lean towards this reasoning.

Impulsivity in combination with personality problems would cause one to act this way. But then, so would personality problems alone. Impulsivity alone, however - I just can't see it.

A factor, maybe. The fundamental cause? No.

There's things with ADD we can move out of the realm of moral judgement. I don't believe cheating is one of them.

Although I haven't cheated on my current partner of 9 years. I still consider myself "weak" in this respect. I don't trust myself completely. But everything in my mind points to my low self esteem. Negative beliefs. Yeah, I have a "thrill seeking" mentality, but cheating probably wouldn't be such a thrill in the first place, if my weak ego didn't need such gratification. (Or something like that.)
__________________

Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Sirrah For This Useful Post:
Imnapl (06-30-10)
  #15  
Old 06-30-10, 04:38 AM
emma13's Avatar
emma13 emma13 is offline
Contributor
 

Join Date: May 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 253
Thanks: 173
Thanked 425 Times in 174 Posts
emma13 is a glorious beacon of lightemma13 is a glorious beacon of lightemma13 is a glorious beacon of lightemma13 is a glorious beacon of lightemma13 is a glorious beacon of light
Re: ADHD and Cheating -- Related?

i would rather look at a different connection between adhd and cheating.

you can't blame that much on impulsivity unless you really jump on the first attractive person you see that day. and you are also smashed and the person fully agrees with everything. kinda hard circumstance to find. otherwise you have time to realize what's going on, and it becomes premeditate.

how about this theory:
add gives you this ability to see the big picture, regardless if you accept it or not. so your brain registers that your partner is not so attractive anymore, and is looking for someone else more stimulating. the cheating is still premeditate but you already know deep inside that the current relationship is not working. but being such a chronic procrastinator and hating to deal with "crying" consequences and hating to hurt people, you can't just stand straight and admit it. voila, the vicious circle is here.

this makes a lot more sense for me than "it was an impulse and it led to x no. of hours with that person...oh 3 times a week also".
__________________
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to emma13 For This Useful Post:
ADHDTigger (06-30-10), greenmonkey (06-30-10), Imnapl (06-30-10), Michiko74 (06-30-10), sarek (06-30-10)
Reply

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Dodgy diagnosis? (long rant/post) tribalsushi Adult Diagnosis & Treatment 9 09-07-13 01:34 AM
Adults with ADD - Cheating on Partners SoCalGuy Relationships & Social Issues 240 03-12-13 05:05 PM
50 Conditions that Mimic ADHD dude102 Adult Diagnosis & Treatment 6 06-18-12 03:24 AM
not necessarily ADHD related, but i have ADHD and i have an SO issue mollycase Relationships & Social Issues 3 04-09-10 12:07 PM
Book it: Rose still living a big lie Andrew ADD News 11 01-18-04 09:32 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:38 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums